- I don't know why my mom suddenly decided to give me an hour of time to talk on the phone tonight. I think it's because she felt bad for me. Or maybe it was the fight that I had with my dad today that caused her to lighten up a bit. If for no other reason than to keep herself in my good graces. It's a long story, but what else have I got to do today?
Early this morning, my mom made some breakfast for me, and then some burgers for lunch. But she saw me moping around the house in silence, trying to catch glimpses of the television programs she was watching while walking through the living room. You know, I never expected to miss the mind numbing monotonous 'hum' of TV shows, sitcom babble, and wacky commercials, until I was cut off from it. Now it's all I think about. I just..I need some damn NOISE in my life somewhere! Some conversation, some music, some internet chat, some video games...SOMETHING to break this silence! It's driving me crazy! Now I see why people go so insane in solitary confinement. Geez, and this is only day three.
Anyway, my dad called the house this afternoon, and I could tell by the look on my mom's face that she wasn't happy to hear his voice. Lord knows that I wasn't. So, she gives me the phone, and my dad says, "I know you're on punishment today, but I want to talk to you. Get dressed, put some shoes on, and I'll meet you out front. I can be there in twenty minutes."
What the hell was he talking about? I didn't wanna meet him. I didn't want to even SEE him! Didn't he get that through his head the last time we were together? So I was like, "Why?"
And he said, "I just want to talk to you in private for a bit."
So, I asked him again, "Why? I can't go anywhere. I'm on punishment." I said, using that as an excuse to not have to deal with him.
But he's like, "Billy, just...please. Ok? Be out front. I'm on my way."
"No." I said, and I think it surprised me just as much as it surprised him. But once it was out, I stuck with it. If he wanted to be 'gone' so fucking bad, if he wanted to get so far away from this life and this family, then let him stay gone. He can't just dip back into my life when he feels like it. So when he asked me what the hell my problem was, I said, "Nothing. I didn't even have a problem until you decided to call over here. I'm fine, I just don't wanna go anywhere with you today. If I'm on punishment from my friends, then I'm on punishment from you too. That's just the way it goes."
So he's like, "Don't talk to me like that. I'm still your father."
And before I even had a chance to think about it fully, this little teenage itch, this rebellious urge, decided to suddenly rush to the surface and calmly challenge his rule of the roost. And I actually heard myself say, "You abandoned us for another woman. As far as I'm concerned, your little 'visit' to our house would be little less than tresspassing." I don't know where it came from, but I was trembling inside when I said it. I couldn't tell if it was fear, anger, excitement...or just plain misplaced adrenaline. But those little quakes and shivers made me feel like I was damn near invinceable. There's something about challenging your own father that's SCARY, but liberating, you know? And finally, I just told him, "You know what? I don't even know why you even care anymore. So just leave me alone. Go be 'happy' with somebody else." And I hung up the phone.
Now...normally...an act of defiance like that would smother me under so much parental punishment and suffering that I'd never see the light of day again. And from the look on my mom's face, I half expected her to break off a broomstick and start hitting me repeatedly over the head with it. But it had to be done. I said what I felt inside and that was that. It was almost like I didn't have any control over it whatsoever. And it felt great! So...why did I suddenly feel like crying. I don't even know where the emotion came from, but it got caught up in the back of my throat, and my eyes began to water up all on their own. And the realization just settled in. I had just hung up on my own father. My hands were shaking. And just before the first tear fell, I went to my room and closed the door.
My mom came knocking lightly on my door about ten to fifteen minutes later, and found me sitting on the bedroom floor staring at nothing. She came in and sat on the bed in front of me, this weird look on her face. It was some mixture between sad and concerned, you know? She sighed and said, "Billy, why won't you talk to me? I know that something is bothering you. You're just not yourself these days." I didn't answer her. What was I supposed to say? She doesn't even have any idea of who I was in the first place. "Billy? Honey, you know, your father and I love you very much. And none of this is your fault..."
"I KNOW it's not my fault." I interrupted. And lowered my head a bit, wondering why I should even have to GO through something this stupid just because THEY can't get along.
"You're gonna have to help me understand what's going on with you, honey? I mean...yelling at your father? Fighting in school? Kicking your best friend out of the house? What's happening here? What are we doing?" I just curled my knees up under me and turned away from her slightly. She doesn't understand. She doesn't know anything. What am I supposed to tell her? That her only son is a fag? That he's been sucking hungrily on some other cute boy's dick and basically let him abuse me while doing it? That my best friend ran off with a girlfriend that she barely even knew about? That the 'prettiest' boy in school hardly even talks to me, and I'm hurt because kissing him is all that I can think about when we're together? That I had to smash someone in the fucking teeth for even suggesting that me and Bobby Jinette were lovers...and that behind closed doors I jack off over how good it felt to be pressed up against his soft succulent ass for just a few seconds? I mean, exactly what part of my life could she POSSIBLY relate to in a simple conversation about what's wrong with me? The most frightening and confusing aspects of my entire existence are wrapped around a subject that I can't even TALK about. So how is she gonna help me? I'd rather she just leave me alone. "Billy, come on. I know this separation has been hard on you..."
"It's NOT the separation." I said.
And she asked, "Well, what is it then? TALK to me!" She badgered me for a while, and that same strange emotion got caught up in my throat again. I SWEAR, as some more tears rolled down my cheeks, I could literally FEEL the words leaping up into my mouth. They REALLY almost left my lips. The pressure to hold them back was almost too much to bear. 'I am gay'...I could feel it. I could say it. I could. I could get it off of my chest RIGHT now, and never have to say it again, because she'd already know! But...if I did, then my whole life ends. My world gets destroyed and I have to rebuild it all over again from scratch as someone else. Someone 'gay'. And I can't do that. I don't even know how. So I held it in, and the force it took to push it back down into my stomach caused me to curl up even tighter, and sob into my folded arms. I don't think my mom knew what to do with me, so she stopped pushing. She squatted down a bit, and kissed the top of my head while I gently cringed from the contact...even though it felt good. And then she left me to cry on the floor like some kind of baby.
I don't know how I got so depressed today, but it's the lowest I've felt in a long long time. And suddenly, I didn't mind being so cooped up in this house all weekend long. I doubt I had the energy to really be 'entertaining' to anybody else anyway.
Still, my mom decided not long ago, to give me an hour's worth of phone time to talk to my friends. I guess to cheer me up. Who knows? I suppose that's her idea of a temporary truce. So who did I call? Brandon, who else? I just..sighhh...I don't know what I was thinking. I just...I was feeling bad, and hurt, and I was trying not to cry. And for some reason I thought...if I could just hear Brandon's voice, just for a little while, then I'd be ok. I can't say how or why, I just knew that Brandon was the answer for everything that could ever hurt me, and he'd be my only comfort.
But he wasn't home. :(
His mom said that he went out somewhere, and I didn't have the heart to leave him a message.
So I decided not to call anyone else. If Brandon wasn't there, nothing else could make me smile. So why even bother?
Whatever, I'm depressing myself even more. I just wanna snap out of it. I'm going to bed early tonight. I know it's Saturday, but I'm really tired And the sooner this day is over, the better. I'll see you later.
- I think I feel a little bit better today than I did yesterday. But I have to admit to being confused as to why my dad didn't come breaking down my bedroom door with his belt raised to 'teach me a lesson' after what happened on the phone. He didn't yell, he didn't scream, he didn't even call back. It made me wonder if I had ended up really hurting him instead. Which was sort of my 'goal', I guess...but I didn't expect for it to actually work. Then again, maybe I was right...and he really didn't care anymore. Sigh...who needs these thoughts?
My mom, on the other hand, who had been so stiff on the phone ban, as well as the rest of my punishment, seemed to be really loose on it today. She kept quietly taking peeks at me out of the corner of her eye, and at one point today, she told me she loved me. For no reason at all. Great. Now she thinks I'm some kind of 'problem child' in the making. Like I needed to add THAT to my life right now.
You know...it's really stupid of me, I know...but I kept thinking about AJ today for some reason. It was just a few thoughts here and there, but I kept seeing his smile in my mind. I kept thinking back to our first kiss, and how weak it made me feel inside. I know it's over and I should leave it at that, but I kinda missed being held, and kissed, and touched, and told that I was beautiful. It wasn't until this morning that I realized how long it had been since I had anybody tell me that. I can't believe that there's anything about that jerk that I actually miss. But it's true. I wanted to feel him against me again. I miss his skin. And the way his tongue used to lick little circles around my navel. And the way he would suck on my earlobe when he hugged me from behind. I miss his taste, and the way his boner would jump and twitch three or four times right before he came, and I felt the liquid shoot into my mouth. I dunno...I guess I'm just horny. Whatever.
I was really surprised to get a call from Brandon tonight. I guess he knew it was me that called yesterday after all. I thought that maybe I had been overly emotional, or that I was making stuff up in my mind. But I was right all along...hearing Brandon's soothing voice on the other end of that phone was like...magic to me. It really did make me feel better. I'm surprised my mom even let me take the call, but she didn't seem to mind. Anything to keep me from tearing my hair out at the roots, I suppose. I took the phone in my room, and Brandon seemed to be trying to talk normally, but he sounded kinda sad.
Finally, after some uncomfortable silences and a few weird comments, he asks, "Can we talk for a sec, Billy?"
Of course, I thought we WERE talking already, but I said, "Sure. What about?"
And he's like, "Are you mad at me?"
And I'm like, "MAD at you? No. Why would I be mad at you?"
And he's all, "It's ok if you're mad at me. I mean, you'd tell me right?"
Of course, I'm really not making any sense out of this at all. So I say, "I promise, I'm not mad."
So he goes, "So why don't you talk to me anymore?"
I'm like, "WHAT? I talk to you all the time!"
And he says, "Not like before, you don't. Did I do something wrong?"
I TOTALLY don't understand this boy. It took another five minutes of denying that I was mad at him before he even began to believe me. So then I told him, "Brandon....I think about you all the time. I never stop. I mean...I wanted to tell you that, but you were acting like you didn't wanna hear it." I said, feeling my heart beating extra hard all of the sudden.
"Of course I wanna hear it, Billy. I just...I don't know how to..." He got frustrated with himself for a moment, and tried to put some words together that didn't sound...crazy. "I just don't want you to stop thinking about me, ok? I mean, I'm trying to...make things...better. But...I'm not sure if I....can you give me some more time?" I was quiet. Was that supposed to be 'decoded', or what? I swear, that's exactly how he said it. His voice was trembling. It gave me a shiver inside to hear it, because it sounded just like I do when I'm trying to say something 'cuddly' to him. You know, before he shoots it down by not responding to it at ALL! But, like everything else that Brandon does, it was incredibly cute, and I covered the receiver with my hand so he wouldn't hear me giggling a bit.
And I told him, "I can tell you tomorrow at school if you want."
And he was like, "Tell me what?"
"That I'm thinking about you." And I giggled a little bit more, and he heard me this time.
"You don't have to." He says. But at least he's smiling a bit. I dunno, you could just hear it in his voice.
"I will. So get ready to prepare an answer for lunch time. Ok? Cause that's when I'll tell ya."
And he laughed. He actually gave me a bit of that sweet little laugh of his, and my spirits suddenly got lifted to the point where my emotions felt like they would float away if I didn't anchor them to the ground somehow. And shortly after that, he said, "Ok. I'll think of something good to say."
And just as we were saying goodbye, you wanna know what I said??? It shook me up so bad, that I actually slid down off of my bed as the words left my mouth! I said, "K...g'night, Brandon. I love you." I know that I kinda mumbled it really fast under my breath and all, but I DID actually say it out loud! Omigod!
And then he says, "You too." And he hangs up. He said 'YOU TOO'!!! So, now...wait...does that mean that he loves me? Or does that mean that he was just wishing me a good night? Or was that just kinda weird polite common response type of thing where someone says they love you and you automatically say 'you too'? Kinda like saying 'Bless you' when somebody sneezes. Who knows? But NOT knowing the answer was even more exciting than knowing the answer. Um...I think!
But, anyway...I have to think of something cool to say to Brandon tomorrow now! And then something cool to say when he says whatever it is he's gonna say when I say what I say! Omigod! What do I say? I'm gonna think about this for a while. I've gotta go. I'll definitely write in what happens tomorrow! Later!