- Ok, before I punish myself for missing another weekend...I have a totally legit excuse for not writing down what happened! Sam came over on Saturday and wanted to hang out all day. It was like he didn't wanna go home. Then, my mom ordered pizza for the both of us, and it got late, and she rented a movie....one thing led to another...and the next thing I know, he was taking a shower and spending the night at my house.
(I honestly wish that I could peek in while he was all wet and naked. Hehehe, out of CURIOUSITY, that's all! WHAT??? I've never seen my best friend naked before! That doesn't make me a total perv, does it?)
Anyway, he didn't leave until Sunday night, and by the time I finished my homework for today, I was tired of writing. But I won't miss anymore weekends, k? Even if nothing happens, I'll just...umm....write 'nothing happened' and close the book back up. Hey, it's better than nothing, right?
Ok, today. It's Monday. Let me start off with one name...
You know....sometimes I can look at him with such an everyday gaze, and not feel really screwed up inside. But...other days...I feel completely baffled by him and everything he is. I mean, really confused. It's so weird to be taken over by the feeling so suddenly, sometimes in mid conversation. And I find myself being totally vunerable in front of him. To the point where I'm, like, completely 'blanking' on what I'm gonna say to him next. It SUCKS! But it isn't any of the BIG things that really catch me off guard. It's the little things. Tiny little details. Like...all of the sudden, I'll notice just how brightly those big hazel eyes of his shine when he smiles. Or, I'll realize how tall he is, and how his body seems so well formed and put together in this really beautiful way. Or I'll start paying attention to the way he occassionally tilts his head to the side to keep his hair from laying funny across his eyebrows, or the way he sometimes has to keep rolling up the sleeve on his right arm because it uncurls itself every few seconds. But he never rolls it up properly so it'll stay, he just pushes it back up and waits for it to inevitably fall down again to his wrist. It's hypnotic to watch, I swear. I can't explain it, but little things like that seem so damn CUTE to me! And yet, some of my infatuation for him seems to have died down a bit. I can't see why though...because he seems more beautiful to me than ever these days. And he's SO sweet! Unneccessarily sweet! When he talks to me, it's like he's known me his whole life. He's just easy to talk to, and think about, and dream about, and BE around! But that instantaneous rush of sexual energy that I get with Jamie or Simon or even Sam...it just doesn't happen that much around Brandon anymore. Not unless I force it. And believe me...there have been a few 'self inflicted' orgasms where I've done exactly that. But...something's changed as far as my attitudes towards him. I don't know why. Once I find out what that is, I'll write it in here and let you know. Or....let ME know, as the case may be.
Oh yeah, Sam's mom got a call from the school today about one of his grades slipping, and that explains a lot. He was probably scared to go home this past weekend because he knew he'd be in deep shit when she found out. Ah well, I'm glad I could provide him a temporary sanctuary when he needed one. Anyway, it's his Geometry class, I think, and they totally snitched on him. Which sucks, because I know that's going to lead to less and less time that we get to hang out this week. His mom will definitely put him on lock down for a while until his grades come up, and force him to study until he's ready to jump out of the window to escape the agony. And naturally he'll do something dumb to try to get out of it early, or bend the rules, and he'll get grounded even worse than before. It's a pattern I've gotten used to over the years. And getting him out of being grounded is like trying to help a 2 ton rhino escape Alcatraz 'undetected'. Just not possible. However, I guess I should be thanking the angels for this little turn of events. It might just be enough to keep his search for this mystery girl of mine down to a severe minimum. Hell, by this time next week, she might not even like me anymore. Crushes DO come and go pretty fast in this place, afterall.
I've just realized something today. That once you let a girl get into a certain habit, it is absolutely IMPOSSIBLE to break her out of it! I'm talking about Michelle and the way she gropes me all the time when I go to class now! I honestly think that she's getting a bit too used to having her hands all over me in one way or the other. She's always grabbing my hand, or bumping into me, or standing so close to me that her breasts are touching my arm. Either that, or she's running her fingers through my hair. (I think she's got a blond fetish) And it feels good, really it does, but I'm kinda looking for that same level of attention from a GUY instead!!! You know? And girls, especially 'touchy-feely' ones, are like..."closeted gay boy" repellant! They'll avoid me like the plague! At this rate I'll NEVER get any hot boys to talk to me! Michelle, is gonna give me a false reputation. I sometimes wonder if she's just playing around and having fun to be friendly with me...or if she really likes touching me. I wonder if she feels that same gentle electric spark when her hands glide accross my scalp, the way I did when mine glided across Simon's soft skin the other day. That would be flattering, but....empty, somehow. I guess it's more of a curse to be liked by girls at school than most would believe. Especially when you're good lookin' and gay. (Wow, did I really just write that in my journal? That sounds so cocky. Scratch that from the record) Whatever, I'm looking into ways to break her out of her addiction to me and my 'soft sided' appeal. I'm sending her to "Billy Chase Rehab". So we'll see how that works out in the end.
I guess I'm left to a night of video games and tv tonight. Until Sam gets back to civilization, I'm on my own. Who knows? Maybe that's a good thing. Time will tell. Later.
- AHHHH!!!! I TOUCHED HIM!!!! OMIGOD!!! I actually...TOUCHED Jamie Cross today!!! Oh....oh WOW!!!!! JESUS!!! And, you know what??? He didn't even notice it!!! Hold on, I've gotta catch my breath!
See...we had this fire drill at school, right? And we all had to 'calmly walk out of the door in an orderly fashion', just like they always instruct us to in case of emergencies. So....it's chaos at the front door, with all of us just being scrunched together in a tiny area and bumping into one another...and that's when I saw him. My sweetheart. My angel. Jamie Cross was standing RIGHT next to me, and people were pushing behind me and on all sides of me...so I soon found myself pressed up against him in the most awesome way imaginable! Aww man, he smelled so GOOD! So, there I was, smashed up against the hottest body in the whole DAMN SCHOOL!!! ME! Billy Chase! With my chest pressed tight up against his back in a hallway full of kids! Oh God...it was magic! Pure magic! I remembered EVERY detail! His warmth, and his texture, and his scent! Oh man, I wonder if I can still inhale some of that scent out of my shirt! I'll never wash that shirt again, if only I can capture that sweet candied fragrance in it somewhere.
Ok....so...I was crushed up agaist him, and he was crushed up against the person in front of him...and I just...I let my hand drop down to my side naturally. And with another gentle push of the crowd...it actually bumped into his ASS!!!!! AHHHHH!!! Oh SHIT...MY hand touched Jamie Cross' ass! It was soooo soft and bouncy, and my knuckles were, like, right in the crease between his delicious ass cheeks...I couldn't believe what was happening!!! I, literally, almost came right there in my pants in the middle of a crowd! He didn't say anything, so I just kinda left my hand at my side, and I got to rub it up and down a few times. DISCRETELY of course! I didn't want him to know what was going on. But I was soooo hard! ROCK hard! I could smell the soap on his long neck from his morning shower still. I could see the individual strands of his blond hair. I could hear the sweet and crisp crackle of his voice as the sound resonated in my ears. His shoulder was right there, about even with my lips...and I just wanted so badly to lean forward and kiss him on his shoulder. Man...that would have been the most blessed experience of my LIFE! Kissing Jamie Cross on the shoulder. Oh wow...I'm SOOOOOO in love!
I absolutely HATED it when we all actually made it outside that door and onto the school's front lawn. Because people started spacing out, and it meant that I had to be away from my baby again. I can't believe that this was the closest I've ever been to him. That this is the most I've ever touched his sexy body at any one time. The air felt so cold when we were apart again. Sighhhhh....so cold. These are the things that I know I'll remember even if I grow to be, like, 150 years old. Now I know what it's going to feel like when I one day get to lay my head on his shoulder and snuggle up to him in bed. A level of comfort that previously remained untouchable by everyone else on the planet except for him. I know what it will feel like to hold him against me and be completely powerless to stop the love in my heart from overflowing onto the carpet...pressing my lips to his in an attempt to let him catch the leftover emotions that I can no longer contain. God...he's so damn beautiful.
I spent the rest of the day today either being horny enough to hump the shelves in the library, or being so dazed and amazed that I was staring off into space as though I could see every oxygen particle in existence as it bounced around the room.
I wonder if he felt me. I wonder if Jamie got turned on by the contact. Maybe he'd let me get a little bit more intimate, like the ways I can touch Sam in an affectionate way from time to time. Or maybe he'd let me feel him up the way Michelle does to me, playful and innocent as it seems, but with the intent of getting that final step closer to the sexual frontier that I have yet to explore. Or MAYBE...maybe he'll let me touch him even MORE...like the way I got to get my hands on Simon the last time he came over to my house. Ohhhh...now THAT would be TOO much! I'd probably pass out and wake up with my head in his lap! I swear, if I ever get the chance to talk to him, the courage to talk to him...then I'm going to make it something special. I'm not going to go blabbering about how I feel about him, but I want to at least make an impression. I want him to see in me what I see in him. Unlimited beauty...on a scale that no other teenage boy has ever experienced before. Hehehe, and I KNOW that's next to impossible...but I want him to see something special in me. I could make him SO happy. I know I can.
You may think that I'm gushing, but sometimes you get so damn FULL of this nervous energy, you just want to talk about the object of your affections all day long, see him everywhere you go, and hold onto him with your hands around his waist and your head on his shoulder, for the rest of your fucking LIFE! I don't mean to go on and on, but I seriously can't help it. Sometimes I don't even know that I'm doing it. I don't think I ever really counted how many times his name comes across my lips in a day. I never realize that I'm talking about him AGAIN, until I'm already in the middle of a sentence. He's soooo serious to me.
Hehehe, you know, I've REALLY gotta stop this! I'm outta here before this gets too ridiculous!
- A weird collection of thoughts have been running through my mind today. Mostly about Simon coming over tomorrow for another attempt at me making my move on him. I guess you could say that I've suddenly gotten really scared of the idea. Before, I was so pumped up for it! I was ready to go for it at full speed, and was excited to be setting up an actual 'plan' that would allow me to get him naked and start giving me some good lovin'....hehehe!
But....now? Sigh...now I'm not so sure how to feel about it. I'm kinda expecting this to really happen this time around. I sort of promised myself that it would, no matter what. And now that the act itself is kinda set in stone, for ME anyway, I don't know what to do. Like I said on previous pages, I never ever actually had any real 'sex' before. And the inner workings of the whole thing are starting to get more and more frightening by the minute. I'm coming to the conclusion that as bad as I WANT to have sex...I don't know SHIT about actually having it! People don't ever talk to kids about those kinds of things. Even though sex is on our mind more than any other creature on the fucking planet right now! I guess it's 'safer' for me to fumble around with another boy and totally screw it up then it is to talk to me about it when my hormones are at their craziest peak. Grrrr! I have a penis, he's got a mouth and an anus, this shouldn't be too hard to figure out. The thing is, I've never really had anyone else touch my 'thingie' before. What if he touches me and I go off like a fire hose without warning? I never did anything more exciting than hump the mattress! So I don't exactly know how to...um...'piston' into anything. I don't know how to please somebody with oral sex, either. I used to suck my thumb when I was little, but somehow I don't think this will be quite the same thing. All I know is that I shouldn't use my teeth. But they're kinda....already there. Permanently. How do I not use my teeth when he's got something big and juicy in my mouth and I'm sucking on it? Mystery.
Kissing I think I can work out, that's pretty much an improvisational thing. But after the pubery monster got a hold of me, I'm barely able to WALK straight without tripping over my own two feet. My body already doesn't feel like it's mine anymore. So exactly how am I going to manage to come up with special orders for this awkward machine of mine to tell it to move, wiggle, expand, and contract, in a sexual way? How am I going to make Simon happy when I'm so busy trying to find the 'advanced instruction manual' to my little friend down there in my pants. I've gotten used to aiming for the center of the toilet when I go to the bathroom, but unless Simon is into a bit of that freaky golden shower shit, I don't think THAT particular skill is going to help me out in this situation. So the big question remains...what am I going to do with this thing between my legs once Simon gets here and he's waiting for me to start things off?
I never thought I'd say this, but maybe I should put this off for a little bit longer. JUST until next week! I mean, I STILL want this! I want it so bad that it's driving me crazy! But I don't know what I'm doing or where to go to find out. I never felt so clumsy or clueless or worried about things like this before. I mean, what if I hurt him? Or if he hurts me? Or what if I'm just no good? There aren't exactly any tutors out there for this sort of thing. Well...there ARE...but I'd need 200 dollars, a fake moustache, and a hotel room to get them to help me. And where am I gonna get 200 dollars from?
Ah shit! Ok...it can wait. JUST until I do a little bit more research. Maybe a few push ups and sit ups wouldn't hurt either. You know, you'd think that something you fantasize about for 85% of your average day would come as second nature to you. Well it doesn't. And now I'm talking myself out of what might have been one of the greatest afternoons of my LIFE! Exactly what is it about my life that DOESN'T suck right now? If anyone figures that out, let me know.