- Do you have ANY idea what happened to me today??? I'm walking to school, minding my own fucking business, right? And just before I cross the street to get to school, Joanna walks up beside me and has the nerve to frown her face up at me! At ME!!! And she's like, "I hope you're happy!"
I'm thinking, 'What the fuck did this heartless BITCH just say to me???' But I'm so outdone by the fact that she even got it in her head that she could even TALK to me, much less send a snide remark in my direction, that all I can get out is, "Huh?"
So she says, "Sam got suspended for the full three days for fighting yesterday. Not to mention he's got a black eye now, and almost got his nose broken. I just hope you're happy."
I'm totally confused at this point, but we get the walk signal, and she starts walking across the street. I hurry to catch up, and ask, "Why the hell would that make me happy? That has nothing to do with me!"
She's like, "Whatever." But I demand to know what she's ranting about. So you know what she says to me??? She says, "It's already bad enough that you would be so homophobic that you would punch someone in the mouth just for making a JOKE! But now you've got Sam acting just as barbaric as you did, just because somebody repeated it. Why don't you fight your own battles from now on?"
WHAT?!?! "Wait...you're saying that Sam got in that fight yesterday because of ME???" What is she TALKING about?!?! And did she just call me a 'homophobe'? How can I be a homophobe? CAN I be a homophobe? Is that even possible?
She's all, "Somebody makes a joke about you being a homosexual and you HIT him? Real mature, Billy."
How DARE she look down on me! "You know what? You don't have any idea what you're fucking talking about. So don't go calling me a homophobe."
Joanna kept walking, basically blowing me off. And I'm telling her that I didn't know anything about Sam getting into any fight over me, and she just didn't believe me. She just kept saying "Whatever!" While I'm trying hard to suppress the urge to grab her by the throat and squeeze until her fucking head falls off. And then, she hits me with, "First he practically threatens to beat the hell out of Kyle and tells him to 'apologize' to you for being an asshole, then he gets beaten up trying to defend you, then he gets suspended for you for THREE days...and you can't even be bothered to TALK to him. Some friend you are?"
I don't think my mind really absorbed what she said at first. But with my emotions suddenly under 'attack' like that, all I could say was, "Maybe our friendship guidelines didn't cover someone stealing my bitch of a girlfriend when I wasn't looking!" That...definitely got her attention, and she turned around so fast that I almost put my 'dukes' up to instinctively defend myself. You know one of those moments where you're sorta giving your parents a hard time, and then you make that one comment that kinda crosses the line? Where all of time stands still and you suddenly wish you could suck those last few words back in your mouth and pretend you never even let them out? This was one of those moments. I honestly thought she was gonna 'swing' on me or something.
But instead, she hit me with something a bit more hurtful. She said, "You wanna know something, Billy? Sam didn't 'steal' me away from you. He didn't come creeping around uninvited, and he wasn't hitting on me. Sam is cute, he's fun to be around, and he spends time with me. He comes to the mall with us, he sends regular emails and text messages, he calls me on the phone almost every night...he cares about ME. Not like you, where you disappear for no reason, never call, and it takes some great effort to even get you to notice me. He's not too 'busy' to be with me, and I happen to find that more attractive than someone who is too absent to call me once in a while." I honestly didn't think that she could say anything to really hurt me, especially when I was so fucking pissed at her I mean, 'sticks and stones', right? I know words aren't supposed to hurt....but....ouch! "So yeah, when I got tired of unreturned phone calls and emails and you running out of the mall on us without even telling us where you were going...I decided to go for someone better. Who wasn't so selfish and actually liked to hold my hand in public for a change." She hiked up her backpack on her shoulder and told me, "You can hate Sam all you want, but I went for him first. If anything, Sam was trying to reject me All he ever talked about was you, and stuff you guys did together, and some stupid Hill 'thing'. But you know what? We fell for each other, and we're happy. So you can be mad all you want, it doesn't change the fact that he's better for me than you ever even tried to be. So why don't you just leave him alone so we can get back to caring about one another like we're supposed to?"
I swear...I could feel my testicles get smaller and smaller with every word she spoke. And when she finally finished and turned to walk away from me...the worst thing that I could shout back to her was..."OH YEAH?!?!?!" Which I'm sure must have had a 'humongous' effect on her ego. Needless to say, that little conversation fucked up my entire day.
It just...I couldn't get it out of my head. Why was Sam fighting for me? Why did Joanna think that I was so terrible? Why couldn't I be there more instead of just...I dunno, screwing it all up like I did? Am *I* the asshole in all this? Did Kyle just apologize to me because Sam told him too? Was Sam trying to be a good friend after all? Was it a trick? Was it the truth? I don't think this whole damn situation left my mind once today, not even for a minute. I couldn't even think of a worthy comeback to tell Joanna later if I saw her again. I couldn't tell if I was hurt, or depressed, or angry, or just plain...annoyed. All I know is that I just didn't wanna think about it anymore, and yet, if I didn't write it down in this diary, my head was gonna explode.
Whatever it is that I'm feeling right now, it's got me, like, paralyzed. I'm not sad enough to cry, I'm not mad enough to break something, I'm not guilty enough to apologize, I'm not proud enough to brush it off like it didn't matter. And somehow I'm stuck in the middle and not able to do...anything.
I saw Brandon today, but I hardly remember what happened. Looked at Bobby's ass in his gym shorts, had a short conversation with Jimmy about Joanna calling me homophobic...which he laughed at...and I think I failed my history test because I spaced out through half of it and didn't get time to finish it. But...I don't remember any of it. Not really. I just remember that look on Joanna's face when she said what she said. And it just drowns out every other thought in my head.
Anyway, like I said...I don't even wanna think about this anymore. I just wanna try to push the thought far enough out of my head so I can get some sleep. I'm not gonna write about this anymore. I'm done with it. So what? I lost a girlfriend, a best friend, my boyfriend AJ, my friend Simon, and my dad...all in a couple of weeks. I can live with that. Fuck it. I'm never there anyway, right? So I deserve it. I guess I just don't need anybody then.
Ok, I'm done. In fact, I'm probably gonna end up tearing this page out of this book. I don't necessarily wanna remember this day anyway.
- I'm not writing about yesterday, so forget it. I am going to avoid that topic altogether if I can. I'm not gonna tear this page out either. I changed my mind. I suppose I should remember the 'bad' stuff too, ya know? Besides...I already started writing this new entry on the back of the page and I don't wanna write it again. So I guess I'm stuck with it.
I've got some weird news today.
Our gym teacher told us that tomorrow is our last day of baseball. I was hoping that we could play a sport with more 'body contact' so I could maybe get another push up against Bobby Jinette's bubbled assets. But what the teacher told us actually might have been a lot more than I bargained for. I mean, I was standing out there, and thinking of what it would be like to get a closer look at Bobby's ass without having anybody notice...and then the coach tells us that we're starting SWIMMING on Monday. Swimming!!! Ok, let me tell you something about high school swimming classes and closeted gay teenage boys...they don't exactly go together too well. It's all about being in a locker room with 30 other cute teenage boys, stripping down completely naked, showering together, and then squeezing our eternally horny 'dangly parts' into a pair of really tight wet speedo briefs, with a noticeable pouch for the whole world to see. NOT good! It's like dropping a diabetic in the middle of Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory!!! And not ONLY am I going to be naked around other naked cute boys...but now I'm gonna see Bobby's big round juicy....ASS...completely naked! Like...completely! No clothes whatsoever! I'm gonna see it dripping wet, and smelling like soap and chlorine, right there next to me...with him smiling and wanting to hang out and talking all sweet to me before and after class! That's enough temptation to give Christ a run for his title! I have NO idea how I'm going to worm my way out of gym class for three weeks in a row while we take swimming, but I'd better think of something by Monday. Because I've somehow found myself walking a thin line between being a homophobe and a homosexual in the eyes of my classmates, and getting the hardest, longest, tightest, jizz leaking, boner of my LIFE in a locker room full of naked boys is *NOT* gonna help! Especially since defending myself against that particular rumor makes me look...um...'evil'. Or something.
I'd like to think that I could get away by just not looking at his ass. But I'll know, deep down, that I wanted to look. And that's gonna make me just as hard, knowing that it's right there next to me and I can't stare at it. In fact, it's even WORSE, because then my imagination is gonna picture this magnificent piece of delicious ass meat...and it's gonna be more immaculate and mouthwatering than anything else on the Earth in my mind I'd be better off just looking at it, just so I could see that it's just an ass, and not all that special. Right? Dammit...straight boys don't have to think about shit like this. It's so not fair.
Brandon is still coming over on Saturday. I made him promise. But today I was kind of in a bad mood. You know...mostly because I'm still thinking about yesterday. But...I'm not talking about that, so...whatever. The whole time we were talking today at lunch, which was a pretty casual conversation...nothing special, I just kept looking at him and noticing things. Not like the everyday cute stuff, but the really special stuff. Like how he always asks me about what's going on in my life, not just at school. And how he looks at me when I speak, and pays attention to every single word that I say. Or how his lunch is always this well balanced meal type of setting, or how he always gets milk or qlemonade instead of carbonated soda. I love the way he wipes his mouth with a napkin sometimes, even when there isn't a single crumb on it. It's like he does it out of habit alone. I noticed how his fingernails are all the same length. I think he actually clips them. He doesn't bite them off like I do. God, he's beautiful. I always knew he was beautiful.
But for some odd reason today...that fact really depressed me.
Joanna was right. I'm nowhere near being in Brandon's category of beauty. He's like...incredible. And me? I can't even keep my own father from running out on me. I don't know...I was partly fascinated, and partly wallowing in self pity. He's so much prettier than me. So much nicer. And smarter, his grades are pretty far up there. He's neat, and clean, and taller than me too. I don't know if it was the way I was looking at him or just the way I was looking at myself, but whatever it was...it let me know that we were an odd match. At least for today. It makes me wonder if I ever even had a chance.
Anyway, my Mom is calling me to take out the trash. And even though she doesn't seem as mad as she was last weekend, if I still want Brandon to come over...I guess I have to put on my game face and give her the 'best behavior' act until then. Especially since I haven't officially asked her yet. I figure, if I don't ask, I don't give her a chance to say no. If she says no, I'm stuck. But if she doesn't get a chance to say no, then she can't say that she said no. See? There's an exception to every rule.
Gotta go. See ya soon.