- Ok, so I did something kinda low today. I wasn't planning on it really, but I was desperate. Basically, my mom was putting together a list of chores for me to do on Saturday as sort of a 'last penance' for my fight in school. And I had to tell her about Brandon coming over tomorrow. Dammit, if I could have only made it one more day, I might have gotten away with it. Anyway, when I told her, she just kinda looked at me. You know, that look that kinda says 'Oh, so you just think you can do whatever you want around here, huh?' The kind of look that silently let me know that she regretted easing up on my punishment to begin with. She asked me, "Exactly what made you think that it was alright to invite a friend over to this house when I clearly told you that you were grounded?"
I don't know what it was, but I suddenly got these imaginary flashes of her saying no, and then having to make that embarrassing call to Brandon and telling him that my 'mommy' won't let me play with him. Then I had a few weird thoughts about him being naked somewhere else. But I think that was just a hot fantasy of mine. Anyway, I panicked, and my hormones took over with this strangely sinister idea. So...I said, "I've just been feeling really down lately, with you and dad splitting up and all. Brandon said it would be ok for me to talk about it, and I never really talked about it before...so I invited him over. I just wanted someone to talk to, that's all." Yeah...I said it, pouty face and all. God, I felt so wrong for that. Using my parents impending divorce as an excuse to have a cute boy over to the house. I even gave her the puppy dog eyes.
I don't think she bought it, not 100% anyway. But she sighed and said, "Listen, come this Sunday, I want the lawn mowed. No questions asked. You got it? I want your room spotless, laundry folded, and dishes washed." She said, arms folded. "And you still owe me a day. So you come straight home from school on Monday." I nodded, and that was that. I would have felt bad for using such an underhanded tactic to get Brandon over here, but I almost couldn't stop myself from smiling at the idea of getting away with it. I mean...my sweetheart was coming over tomorrow. How could anything about that be upsetting?
Oooh! The most awesome thing happened today! I was going in to the library to make some copies for my science homework, and I saw Jamie Cross in there with some friends. It's always so cool to just catch a peek of him from time to time. He's so incredibly gorgeous that it just brightens up the rest of your day, you know? Anyway, he actually sees me at the copier, and I'm trying to look...but not look like I'm looking, you know? And he says, "Hey Billy!" It still makes me melt to think that he even knows my name, much less is willing to speak it out loud in a library full of his friends. I never felt so 'worthy'. I kinda smiled and gave him some dorky wave with my hand, figuring that he was just saying hello But then he calls me again, and he motions for me to come over there where he was sitting! WHAT???
I was just....so unprepared for an event of this magnitude! I couldn't even MOVE for the first few seconds. I had to ask to make sure he was even talking to me. And he WAS! So I was shaking sooooo bad all the way over there, and he said that he was doing a class project where he needed to interview other students and ask questions about the high school and our 'experience' here. He wanted me to sit down with him after school next Wednesday and just...and just talk to him. Sighhhh....does he have any idea how hard it is to 'just talk to him'? To HIM? But I nervously nodded my head and accepted before I even knew what I was doing. I assume it was another situation where I panicked and my hormones stepped in to get what they wanted out of the situation before I screwed up. So....yeah...Jamie Cross and I have a...date....this coming Wednesday. Just to sit in an empty study hall and...talk. Sighhhh...that in itself already sounds like the hottest wet dream EVER. After all the years I've spent slobbering and stuttering and tripping all over myself to just get five minutes alone with Jamie Cross...that day was finally coming! And now I don't know what to do with it! God, I hope I don't mess up! What if he thinks I'm a nerd? Or a jerk? Or just plain stupid? I better think of something intelligent to say to him between now and then or I'm fucked!
I think that's pretty much it. I cleaned my room up and made sure that it was totally ready for Brandon tomorrow. I should probably be more antsy and jittery than I am about him coming over, but I'm surprisingly calm. Weird. I don't really expect any big confessions or sexual interludes, so I don't wanna get my hopes up. But I certainly won't stop him if he tries Hehehe! Oh, I almost forgot, Jimmy called tonight. I guess he still wanted me to hang out with him and Lee tonight. It's sorta their Friday night 'thing' now. But they sounded all giggly and happy without me. I don't know, I think I would be, like, a third wheel or something if I went over now. They've gotten so close so fast, and I love them both, but I was a bit hesitant to go over just to be a spectator to their private show. You know? Maybe I'll go next week. Just so they don't think I'm avoiding them or anything. They are my friends after all.
- What just happened here? That's what I would like to know. Ok, I'm not going to skip anything at all, and I'm just gonna tell this whole thing in order so I can make sure that I'm not just making this up in my head. Because, honestly...I don't know whether I'm coming or going right now!
Ok, so my mom and I make a deal that Brandon can come over today, and I'll make up for it by doing extra chores on the weekend, AND giving her an extra day of grounding on Monday. I thought that was all settled, but it was slightly embarrassing when she stayed around the house on purpose just to meet Brandon. I mean....UGH!!! Having someone you REALLY like meet your mom is like...the most nerve-wracking experience in the WORLD! It's one of those times when you open your eyes and realize that literally everything your parents do is humiliating and weird. You cringe the entire time, just praying that they won't say something stupid to make things even more uncomfortable than they already are. And of course, they always do, and all you can hope for is an escape route that takes you far enough away from them to not have to deal with it anymore. Needless to say...spending time with Brandon is something I would MUCH rather do alone, you know?
Anyway, so that whole awkward meeting took place and I dragged him into my room to 'pal' around until she left the house, and then we got to be 'normal' again.
I found myself caught. Unsure of myself, uncomfortable in my own skin, just cowering helplessly in his presence. God, he smelled good. I think he was wearing this light sheen of body spray or something, but it was soooo sweet. I literally just leaned over and sniffed his neck a few times while he was on my computer. Is that weird? Yeah...that's probably weird. Anyway, I was just so nervous inside. I thought that I was gonna be calm today and not get my hopes up, but the second he rang my doorbell, all of those jitters just slammed into my ribcage all at once and I just couldn't do anything to settle them down. It was like having a 50 pound weight tied to your nuts and letting it hang between your knees while jogging around the block. I could seriously feel it in my stomach. I doubt I said ANYTHING right today. But the beautiful thing is...Brandon didn't seem to care. It's like, this awesome angel had come over to see me, and me alone, and nothing that I could do was going to make him think any less of me. Even if I was being a total dork. Why oh why is he the only person on the Earth who can make me feel this way?
Like....like I 'matter'?
I noticed today that Brandon stares a lot. Or maybe it's just me being terrified of the look of those big bright eyes of his. I don't know. But sometimes when I look at him, he stares back at me so hard that I'm afraid that he's gonna read my mind or something. Even worse, I'm afraid that I'm going to break down and confess everything I feel about him in this tireless rant of stupidity and freakishly pointless conversation. Sometimes I just know that he can feel my love for him radiating out of my every pour, and it scares me. I don't know why, but it scares me.
Then...I think about him never knowing or understanding just how badly I truly appreciate him for everything that he is...and that scares me even more.
I was gonna offer him soda, like always, but he never drinks soda when we're at lunch. (So strange that I'd remember something trivial like that) So I offered to make him some kool aid instead.
And he's like, "No."
And I'm like, "It's no trouble."
And he's like, "You don't have to. Soda is ok."
And I'm like, "You don't even like soda. Don't worry, I'll make it"
So he says, "You don't have to do that."
And I'm all, "But I want to. And we'll both have some, k?"
So he finally lets me make it, and I hope he liked it because I kinda...you know...made it just for him. I felt like such a weirdo watching him take his first sips to make sure he liked it. I mean, it's kool aid, there's really no way to make it 'wrong', you know? I just...I needed him to like it. I needed....arrrghh...I don't know...I just needed him to like it. That's all I've got to say.
So, we go back to my room, and we're talking while I watch him drink. And he keeps licking his lips, which is really driving me crazy because it's so damn sexy the way he keeps doing it. And his sweet kissable lips have this thin layer of shiny saliva on them, and all I wanna do is lick his lips for him the next time. But I'm sooooo scared that I'm gonna do something wrong. Then again, I'm scared that I'm gonna do something right too. Because...well...I'm not exactly sure what that's gonna mean. You know....if he says 'yes'.
I get the crazy notion in my head that I should just come right out and ask him if I can kiss him. Jimmy did it to me, right? And it was my first kiss ever, and I liked it. Right? So.....maybe if I just ask him, but...like...make it look like practice or something for 'girls', then he'd go for it. Well, that's what I was thinking. Damn, I'm trembling right now just thinking about it. So I'm almost ready to say it. My breath is caught up in my throat, and my lips are open, and my tongue is all ready to just go for it...and Brandon is looking so damn cute that I can hardly breathe! I want him so bad that I was seriously dizzy from it. And all I could do was giggle. All that came out were giggles and blushes and stupid little whimpers. But he's just sorta laughing along with me, which makes him even cuter than before.
I HATE myself! I totally hate myself! I can't even look Brandon in the eye, much less tell him, "I love you!" So while I'm being stupid, he actually starts talking. I try to get a grip on myself, I try so hard! But as he's talking, his eyes are blinking kinda slow...and it seems really...sexy and flirtatious, and he's got those long lashes, and I'm wiggling around trying to contain myself, but I can't. And then, he swings his legs up and sits next to me on the bed. And we're both sitting side by side with our sock feet all stretched out in front of us. And I remember staring at his feet. Brandon has got, like, perfect feet....you know that? Anyway, I think he said something like, "Your bed is really soft."
Yeah...your bed is really soft. I don't know what it was about that single sentence, but it was just so hot to hear him say that.
So I'm like 'thanks'. And I smile, and my foot kinda touches his by mistake, but I guess he likes it. I mean, he didn't move away. So I rubbed my foot up against his foot for a few seconds, and he looks at me, and he giggles a little bit. It was so cute. The same kinda half giggle that he has on the phone, but it was so much sexier in person. He looked me in the eye, and we both blushed a little bit, but I couldn't stare at him for too long without getting all horny and out of control. So I looked back down at our feet instead.
I just....sighhh....I remember rubbing the side of my foot up against his, and him doing the same to me. My toes were just kinda sliding up and down the long arch of his foot, feeling it, tracing its delicate curve. His feet were just slightly bigger than mine, and his socks were so white. They looked brand new. And there was just a hint of moisture from when we had our sneakers on, but his feet were so warm and soft that there was actually something 'erotic' about it all. We didn't say anything at all. Not a word. Occasionally we would look up at each other and smile, or giggle a bit, but then we would both look back down at our feet. So, I kinda rolled over onto my side, facing him, and he did the same facing me, and now all four of our sock feet were just kinda rubbing and touching. It just felt better than anything I've ever felt before. I can't even describe it. I was hard as a rock, but I don't think he saw though.
I kept looking at his face every minute or so, and his smile was so awesome. I wanted to kiss him so bad. I kept screaming inside like, "KISS HIM, STUPID!!! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR???" But I couldn't. It's like..his eyes were too 'powerful' or something. They frightened the hell out of me! Mostly because it almost looked like....he wanted to kiss me too! At least, I think he did. I don't know! Grrrr! I'm so fucking LOST about this stuff!
So we keep rubbing feet, and finally I try to look at him for a bit longer in the eye. And he gave me the most adorable grin. I heard my mom come back in the house, and the front door closed, and she was moving around in the living room. But we just kinda...kept going. And then, he put his hand on my side as we were laying there facing each other. He didn't do anything much, he just kinda....put his hand on my side. And I froze. I think I leaned forward a bit, to see if he would kiss me, but I can't remember. I was trembling too bad to really think straight. And my mom called my name, but I didn't answer. I didn't want to break the moment.
So I whispered, really low and really soft, "I love you, Brandon." I KNOW I did! Didn't I? I'm pretty sure I did. And he was too close not to hear me. Or maybe he thought I said something else. I just remember him smiling and looking all....'emotional' or something, and then rubbed my cheek with his hand. My mom called for me again and she was much closer this time, so I thought she might open the door and we had to separate. Two boys lying on the bed together like we were doesn't look good at all. So we sat up and put some space between us. But....wow....I know what I said. And HE knows what I said. So...does a smile and a rubbed cheek means that he loves me back? Or was that just a silly, 'shut up, Billy' kinda thing? I think the fact that he didn't run out of my house screaming, "Help! Faggot in the house! Faggot in the house!" should be a good enough sign. But...he left me kinda thinking that...he liked me.
I think he really likes me. I'm too weirded out to make that call right now. But I swear, I wrote down EXACTLY what happened! So when I look at this tomorrow, I hope to have a clear enough mind to examine it fully and come up with some kind of rational explanation for what took place. I can't believe I almost kissed him! I can't believe he almost LET me kiss him! My feet were tingling for the rest of the night. God...he's HOT!!! Hehehe! He just is! And every time I think about him, I have like this full body orgasm type feeling that won't go away. I just need to figure out what's real and what's...um...too good to be true. I've gotta think more.
Anyway, I'm going to bed. It sucks that my mom was in the house for the rest of the time that Brandon was here. And that kinda forced us to be somewhat distant. Well...not distant...but just friends and no more. You know? But I've gotta admit...I've never felt more in love with him than I did at that moment. And even though it scares me to think of what comes next...I can't wait to find out!
I've gotta go! But I'll write more soon!