- I'm so worn out right now! I think my arms are going to actually fall off of my body when I go to sleep tonight! My mom became a major Work-Nazi today after I had Brandon over to the house yesterday. She had me mow the whole lawn, front, back, and both sides. Then she had me wash all the laundry, fold it up, and put it all away, linens and everything. And I had like two days worth of dishes to wash. And when all of THAT was finished, there was still the matter of cleaning my room to deal with. (But that part wasn't too hard, because I had already made everything tidy for Brandon ahead of time. But try cleaning anything up when you're exhausted and it's still hard labor.) So now I'm so fatigued that I can barely keep my eyes open, and my arms are so tired that even this pen feels heavy. Sigh....
But I can't, even for one second, deny that every last minute of this agony was worth it. Just to spend those...few precious moments with my baby. God, I can't believe I'm smiling again. Just thinking about him makes me smile. And I don't just mean a slight curl of the lips in either direction to make a happy face....it's more than that. He actually makes my whole BODY smile! I can't explain how or why it feels like that..but I'm telling you, that's exactly what happens whenever he crosses my mind. My heart smiles, my shoulders smile, my stomach starts giggling, my feet chuckle, my knees grin...I can't describe it! It's just this amazing feeling of weightlessness that makes you feel like you're flying all damn day. And realizing that there's an actual person out there that can bring that kind of love and beauty into your life...it's like finding God. It's like the angels had bottled lifelong bliss and handed it to you to enjoy as you wish. I hope this feeling never ever goes away.
I kinda...broke my rule and called him today. I don't usually like to appear too pushy or freaky about stuff like this...but I couldn't help myself today. Not today. It did cross my mind that he might have heard me say 'I love you', and I was hoping that it didn't really sink in anywhere serious. It made me nervous as hell, you know? I mean, I always figured that just saying the words 'I love you' would be simple and would kinda...I don't know...stop there. But now that I'm thinking about it more...there's, like, consequences involved in saying it out loud. Some kinda weird chain reaction that I can't control anymore. And it all depends on how he takes it. Dammit, I wish these little things didn't stress me out so much.
So I called him, and said hello, and he said the same. We talked for maybe...15 minutes, I guess. But something was weird about it. I mean, did I say something wrong? Or did I say something right? Or did he not notice that I said anything at all? Brandon and I had some uncomfortable pauses between us, and finally, after the third or fourth time, I said, "Well...I guess I should let you go."
And he's like, "Yeah. I'll talk to you tomorrow though, k?" Which kinda stung a little bit. When I say, 'I guess I should let you go', you're not REALLY supposed to actually...GO!
So yeah...I've fallen right through love and ended up landing in confusion again. But...he did smile a bit, and laugh a few times, which was pretty cute. And he wasn't distant. Just...I was kinda looking for us to be on some whole other level after what happened on the bed yesterday. Some kinda elevated connection. His sock feet were soooo smooth. I just realized how close our dicks must have been to each other while we were laying on our sides like that! Wow! I just thought of it just now! If we were both hard, we might have been long enough to....like...'touch'!!!
Sighhh...omigod, that's awesome!
My mind kinda pulled a dirty trick on me today. Out of nowhere, my thoughts wandered to Sam and what kinda punishment he must be dealing with for being suspended. I guess Monday will be his first day back in school. You know, there's some dumb sentimental connection to that boy that refuses to let go, and it bugs the shit out of me. It's like my heart just doesn't 'get it'. I don't wanna think about him anymore. I DON'T! Because thinking about him makes me feel...I dunno...weird. Like I've lost my friggin' house keys in the park or something. You wanna just keep walking and forget about 'em...but they're your HOUSE KEYS! You HAVE to go back! Otherwise it plagues your every waking thought until you find them again.
What kinda shit is that, anyway? Fighting for me. I never asked him to fight for me. What was he thinking? I didn't need him to tell Kyle to back off either. I could have handled that myself. Sam's not even talking to me, right now. What made him think that getting beat up in school was gonna impress me? It doesn't. I don't care. He's still with Joanna, after all. And if nothing else, that alone makes things....complicated.
Anyway, whatever. He'll be back tomorrow. And I can go right back to forgetting that we were ever friends.
The best of friends.
I'm about to pass out for the night, and I don't have anything but Tuesday's 'homework' to keep me awake. Psh! Yeah, like THAT'S gonna work! Besides, I just talked to Jimmy on the phone, and he's really freaking out about something. I mean, he was literally shaking, and I could hardly understand what the heck he was talking about. But he's got something monumental to tell me and he refuses to do it over the phone. What the hell is that about? What happened this time? Did Lee let him sniff his underwear or something? Hehehe! Actually...I wonder if he tricked Lee into a kiss too. That would be...nah. That can't be it. Besides, if it was about Lee, I'm sure Jimmy would have just come right out and said it. Probably a billion times in a row. Whatever. I'll try to talk to him about it tomorrow. He can be such a spaz sometimes.
- OK!!! OK!!! This HAS to be documented in here somewhere!!! I can't....I just don't have the words to....UGH!!! I'm PISSED! No, wait...I'm kinda happy, but...! Shit...I'm so damn horny that I can't keep my hands off of my own goodies! And I'm just....downright ashamed of how jealous I am on top of it! That fucking Jimmy LaPlane! That fucking BASTARD! What the hell could he have POSSIBLY done in his life to deserve such a...such a...amazing fucking experience!!! I seriously don't even know what to say right now!!!
You remember how Jimmy and Lee kept inviting me over on Fridays to watch movies and stuff? And I haven't been able to go yet because I'm always doing other stuff. Well...ARRRGGHHH!!! Ok, so let me tell it the way he told it!
Jimmy refused to tell me on the phone what happened last night, he refused to tell me before school, and he refused to tell me in the hallway. The whole time I'm like, "WHAT??? Tell me already, and quit being a freak!" But he kept saying it was too big to mention it inside. He wanted me to come over after school so he could tell me the whole thing. But I'm on punishment for another day to make up for Saturday, so I couldn't do it. I tell him that it'll have to wait until Tuesday, but he's really itching and bubbling over to give me the story. So he suggests that we go out someplace during lunch. Which sucks because I really wanted to spend some time with Brandon today and make sure that we're...you know....'ok'. But I agree to it anyway and end up having to tell Brandon that I was going out for a while. He looked really cute when he said it was ok. He had this pretty smile and blush on his face when he saw me, and I SO wish that I had the guts to kiss him right at that very moment. His lips would have tasted just right at that particular second. Everything was right. Everything was perfect. And his hair had flopped down a little, and his eyes were just the right color and....
Sorry, I'm losing my train of thought here.
Anyway, I had to see Brandon later, but he's cool with it. And the way he smiled when he saw me let me know that, if nothing else, we could slip right back into the way things were before. Even though I was secretly hoping for more. But we'll cross that bridge when we burn it...or cross it..whatever. And Jimmy and I leave school to walk down the alley. Jimmy is walking so fast that I can hardly keep up, you know? I'm like, "Dude, slow down! What the hell is the matter with you, anyway?" And he's looking around and trembling and giggling...I haven't seen him act this weird in a long time. So I ask him, like, "Are you feeling ok?"
And he goes, "I'm so freaking BETTER than ok, Billy!" And it's really hard to calm him down, but he starts telling me about Friday night, and I'm thinking 'great, here we go again' with the whole crush on a straight boy thing. He goes on and on about how cute Lee was, and how he smelled so sweet, and how his hair was still damp from the shower and it was so sexy looking on him and blah blah blah. Now, this is nothing that I haven't heard Jimmy ramble about before. At length, no less. So I'm wondering why this was so monumental that he couldn't just put it in an email for me to skim over and scroll through without the added theatrics. Then he says, "So we were on the couch, and it was so cool being able to cuddle up with him like we always do. But tonight he was sooooo hot, that I was like, out of control, you know?" At this point, I'm getting really frustrated with the fact that I didn't spend my lunch period with Brandon when I could have waited until Tuesday to hear this. "...And then....he kissed me!" I remember letting my mind wander for a second or two, and wondering if I had suddenly missed an entire hour of conversation that would somehow fill in the blanks between cuddling on the couch with an accepting straight boy and a fucking homosexual tongue kiss!
I remember looking at Jimmy and saying, "Wait....whaaaat???" And he said it again. So I'm like, "Who kissed you?"
And he's like, "Lee!!!"
Ok, so none of this computes at all! And I have to wait a few seconds before saying, "Get the fuck out of here! No way! Dude, is this a joke?"
But Jimmy INSISTS, "NO!!! Billy, I swear to God, it's no joke! He really kissed me!"
So I'm like, "WHY???"
And he said, "I don't know! But we were watching the movie, and some people were kissing in the movie...and we were all warm and close and comfy...and when I looked up into his eyes, he just kinda stared back, and then he gave me a little peck on the lips. Which surprised the shit out of me, but I couldn't really move, you know? So I kinda waited to see if he'd smile or play it off or something. But instead, he leaned in again, and this time he kissed me for REAL! Tongue and everything!"
Ok...so now I'm turning colors from furious red to envious green, wondering how in the hell I could have missed out on all this. From LEE??? Are you fucking kidding me??? LEE??? Lee is like...that really hot celebrity in the movies that everybody gossips about being gay, but it's always like...'c'mon! Be serious'! I'm trying to keep my poker face on so he won't notice. I say, "Wow..."
And then Jimmy looks around us again, physically reaches out a hand to stop me from walking, and with a huge grin...he says, "...And that's not all, dude." I gave him a confused look, and he said, "We were making out for a while on the couch, and then we went back to watching the movie, you know? He didn't say anything at all. He just held me, and I laid my head on his shoulder, and he was sooooo warm..."
But I'm like, "Tell me what happened! Come on!"
So he says, "Well, every now and then we kiss a little bit more, and the movies credits are rolling, and we're tonguing each other all soft and slow. He's a REALLY amazing kisser, Billy. Oh wow, his lips were, like, MADE for kissing. Anyway, the movie is over, and the DVD goes back to the title screen, and I kinda feel this hard thing poking my arm as I wrap it around his soft stomach. And I know exactly what it is. So...I kinda....you know..." He blushed. I was waiting, actually feeling my breath get short with the anticipation. "...I let my hand 'fall' on it. I was so scared at first, but I rubbed it, and he liked it. So we stopped kissing, and we just both kinda looked at it while I was feeling him up. And then...he kept pushing his hips up...so I leaned down and started...kissing it a little bit."
WHAT?!?!?!?! Kissing *IT*?!?! HOW THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN?!?! I'm trying sooo hard not to explode, but Jimmy keeps going and I'm just trying to keep my blood pressure from soaring through the fucking roof! It actually HURT to be hearing this! "You....you.."
"I was kissing it with his pants still on, and he was running his fingers through my hair with his eyes closed. Then he reached over and turned out the light beside the couch, and all we could see was the light from the TV. And he kinda moved my head for a second to unzip his pants...and then he let me..."
"YOU GAVE LEE A BLOWJOB????" I screamed! And Jimmy ducked down, telling me to fucking be quiet! He grabbed me by the arm and started walking really fast while dragging me behind him to keep us moving in case anybody heard that.
"Yes!" He whispered. "It was my first time, but he really got into it. It was really beautiful, Billy! Every inch of him is soooo hot. I was sucking for all I was worth, and he tasted like heaven, dude, I swear!"
I was shocked. I was so damn shocked that I could hardly function. After all the stuff I've been through, I get to rub sock feet with Brandon...and Jimmy gets to wrap his lips around one of the most lick-a-licious boners in teen boy history??? Lee is like a perfect 10! I couldn't really speak, but managed to say, "Um...I can't believe it."
"Me either!" Jimmy giggled. "I didn't swallow or anything. I mean, he let me keep sucking him for a while until he was ready, and then he got up and went in the bathroom to 'finish'. But the whole time he was gone, I was just on the couch, like...totally dazed. My heart was beating a zillion miles and hour, and I was licking my lips. God, Billy, it's like I can still taste him right now!"
"I didn't even know Lee was gay." I pouted. Not that I could let him know I was mad. I just...whatever.
But then Jimmy said, "I don't think he is. I mean...I don't know for sure But...Friday night he was." Jimmy giggled so wide. I just wanted to strangle him. Dammit! I should have been there. None of this would have happened if I had been there.
The rest of that conversation was a blur. But Jimmy did manage to let me know that NOBODY was to know about this under any circumstances. Penalty of death being the threat used to back it up. There was no explanation given for why any of this took place, but Jimmy was totally glassy eyed about it all. And he even went so far as to say, "Listen...don't take this the wrong way, but if Lee invites you over next week...can you kinda tell him you're busy? I mean...maybe he'll wanna do it again, or something?"
I asked him, "Are you sure that Lee didn't...I mean....he didn't 'say' anything or...I don't know...did he..."
But Jimmy cut me off and just said, "I don't know. But I'm sooo gonna give it to him any time he wants it if he asks for it! Hehehe!"
So yeah...baffled on that one. That just really hurts. I can feel it. So unfair, I swear.
Oh, Sam came back to school today, but I didn't see him. Not once. I heard through the grapevine that his eye was still pretty black from the fight, and someone in his gym class said that he had a bruise on his side that was pretty big. But we didn't cross paths, so I didn't see it for myself.
And we started swimming in my own gym class today, but thankfully all we did was safety rules and locker assignments for the high school pool. So I didn't have to worry about seeing Bobby Jinette naked just yet. But it's coming. It's definitely coming. By the way, no matter what kinda pants that boy wears, it's always tight across his butt. Not uncomfortably tight or weird looking. It's just that those fine round melons of his just push that fabric out in such a fucking erotic way. It leaves you breathless, it really does. I wonder if this is how straight guys look at big boobs?
Anyway, this is my last day of punishment, and I put that damn homework assignment off for as long as I possibly could. So I guess I should actually try to finish it, huh? Ah well, I'll write more later.
Arrgh! Just the picture of Jimmy going down on Lee is so fucking hot! I can't IMAGINE what I'd be feeling if it was me! Lucky son of a bitch! When is fate gonna shine on ME like that?
- Billy (Angry as HELL!)