- I don't exactly know where my efforts got so terribly out of balance all of the sudden, but I wish I could trace it back to a certain event or two so I could fix it. Because I'm beginning to run out of ideas as to how to handle things again.
Naturally, I'm talking about the biggest enigma in my life right now...Brandon. You know, I was starting to make some real moves on him, and I thought that he liked that. But today it was like he was shutting me out or something. He didn't sound like he was too happy on the phone last night, so I figured I'd be extra nice to him today at school and kinda 'cancel' everything out, you know? Well...he just wasn't into it. I sat across from him in the cafeteria, I tried to be talkative, I tried to be funny...I even offered him gum...and he didn't seem to care much at all. About anything. I asked him what was wrong, and he just said, "Don't worry about it. It's not important." Of COURSE it's important! Because the sweetest, most incredible boy in my life is feeling down, and I can't get in close enough to find out why.
Finally, I said, "You know...I was thinking about you last night. I know you like it when I think about you...." BUT before I could even finish, he kinda rolled his eyes and got up from the lunch table to go get an apple juice from the machine on the other side of the cafeteria. Let's just say that it was a 'not so subtle' hint that he just wanted me to leave him alone. Or at least shut the hell up.
What could I do, you know? I mean...he didn't want to talk to me. And I've been hurt before by stuff like that, but coming from Brandon....it just dug such a deep hole in my heart that I could hardly breathe. Even when he came back to the table, I just let my head droop and looked down at my tray for the rest of the period. I probably should have just left the table. Just being there must have been making him even angrier with me. Normally, I'd be ready to give an attitude back to anybody who threw one in my direction. But not my Brandon. I couldn't. In fact, I almost wanted to cry. It was the quietest lunch I've ever had in my life.
He's still beautiful. I wish I could tell him how beautiful he is. Maybe when he's done being mad at me, I can say it. I didn't mean to do anything wrong, I swear. I didn't want to play this game anymore. I want him to lay next to me on my bed again, and smile at me like he did last Saturday I want to see that sweet blush spread out from the corners of his grin, or hear that sensual giggle on the other end of the phone. Please don't be mad at me, Brandon! PLEASE? Whatever I did, I'm sorry, honey! I promise I won't do it again. Just...go back to loving me, ok? Just a little bit? If he could just go back to making me confused and keeping me guessing...I promise I won't complain anymore. I PROMISE! Awww....I miss him so much. And it's only been a day.
I talked to Bobby before swimming class, but made sure to keep my eyes forward the entire time I was getting dressed in the locker room. I was tempted to take another peek, but since it only ends up getting me in trouble. I decided that it totally wasn't worth it. Anyway, he was being kinda quiet today as we were walking towards the pool, and he kept putting his hand on my arm to slow me down from walking so fast. Like...he wanted to talk for longer or something. I just wanted to get away from him, you know? But he just kept pestering me with this fumbled conversation while I tried to avoid the fact that he was being extremely cute about it. What am I doing? I don't even LIKE Bobby Jinette! So why is my heart beating so fast? This is just stupid.
Then you know what he says to me today? He's like, "You know...I probably wouldn't even be able to come back to gym class if you hadn't stood up for me like you did, Billy." And he smiled at me. His teeth are really small and white, you know that? They're like baby teeth or something. Anyway, so I tell him not to worry about it, and I try to speed up my pace, but he slowed me down again. That hallway never seemed so long as it did today. Then he's like, "Listen...that stuff that Kyle said to you, about you and me...that didn't really 'bother' you too much, did it?"
And I said. "That? No. I don't care."
For some reason that made him smile really wide, and he turned red in front of me. Then he's like, "Cool. It didn't bother me either. Not at all. He's a jerk. But...you know...I'm glad you don't think it's...like...wrong. Or whatever. Well, you know what I mean." Did I? And then he, like, giggled or something to himself and looked down at the floor. So I'm like, wait! Did I just accidentally 'confirm' something that I didn't wanna confirm? Because Bobby seemed extremely flattered by the fact that the idea of us being a couple didn't disgust me. At that point, I was almost ready to run away from him before he got a chance to ask me another question. I didn't. "So....can I call you some time, Billy?" He asked.
I didn't know what to say, but I didn't wanna say yes! So I'm like, "Um..well, I dunno. I've got a bunch of homework and stuff...so I don't know if I'll be able to talk all that much."
And Bobby is like, "Well, not every day or anything. Just once in a while. I like talking to you. You're cool." He was practically humping my leg with his affections at this point.
So I told him, "Well...I guess so. Once in a while isn't so bad." Well that just about made his day. He practically skipped the rest of the way to gym. I just happened to get lucky enough to ditch him after class by changing in the boys bathroom instead of the locker room and hurrying off towards the East staircase. There's gotta be a way to keep him from thinking about me that doesn't involve some threatening words and a tire iron. We'll see.
I had a 25 minute conversation with Lee online tonight. He wanted to call, but I don't think I could have made it through a half hour of hearing his cute little vocal gestures and expressions tonight. Not while picturing him getting the hottest blowjob of his life from Jimmy LaPlane. It was basically a typical conversation, but it seemed so fake tonight coming from him. Simply because every word seemed to skate around the issue of him having these super hot mind-blowing homosexual experiences with a friend of mine, and he didn't wanna tell me what happened or why. I think the thing that keeps going through my mind the most is whether or not he'd let me do it if I had made a move on him a long time ago when we were all hanging out at the mall together. Somehow, I doubt it. And that kinda hurt a little bit. So I found it hard to take him seriously.
One thing did catch my attention, though. Evidently he says that Joanna is mad at Sam for talking and laughing with Sarah Maxwell after school today. Sarah's some girlie girl cheerleader type, you know? Not somebody I would expect Sam to be interested in. Lee agrees with me. He said, "Joanna's just freaky like that sometimes. She gets upset easy about stuff like that." It's nice to know that even Mr. Perfect Relationship has an occasional flaw or two for her to steam over. Why did I even date her, anyway? She can be such a bitch.
Sighhh...I heard the phone ring, but it was my aunt for my mom. I was hoping that it was Brandon, fearing that it was Bobby, and kinda 'wishing' that it was AJ. I need some sex. I don't know how long it's been, but masturbation isn't necessarily taking care of the horniness I've got like it used to. In fact, it only makes it worse. Sighhhhh....I miss having a boyfriend. I've gotta hurry up and find a way to tell Brandon I love him before I go cruising the streets for strangers.
I've gotta go. Later.
- NO!!! This is all wrong! You know what? I think Bobby Jinette just officially 'hit' on me over the phone!!! Like...seriously! Even worse, he asked me out on a DATE!
Ok, look...it all started in gym. I thought about maybe changing in the boys bathroom before class too, instead of just after. But that would mean that I'd have to walk through half the school barefoot, wearing nothing but a speedo (Since all the towels are in the gym locker room). Somehow, that just didn't appeal to me at all. So I saw Bobby again, and we walked to gym together. He made sure to talk to me while he was changing too, which...you know...forced me to 'look' every now and then. Well, that...super sweet, succulent ass of his was just soooo....ripe and plump and delicious looking...it was SO fucking hard to try to stay at 'half mast' the whole time. I hurried up and got into the shower with my speedos on to rinse off before class, and he walked over to join me to talk some more. And he was smiling a lot, and he said something about wanting to see this new movie in the theaters this weekend, and was kinda prodding me to go with him. So I lied and told him that I had seen it already on a bootleg copy. Anything to avoid having him actually ask me out
Then I saw Kyle in the shower across the room from us, so I'm like, "Hey, Kyle! What's up?" It was weird and random, but I was kinda hoping that Kyle would jump on the fact hat Bobby and I were so friendly in the showers, and might make enough of a fuss about it to let me off the hook. I was just PRAYING that he'd come up with a good way to tease us both and get Bobby to back off a little. But Kyle just nodded and turned around to ignore me. Dammit! Ever since Sam threatened him to keep quiet about me, he's been one tame puppy. Thanks a LOT, Kyle! Why is there never an asshole around when you really NEED one, huh?
So, we're in class, and Bobby keeps swimming close to me, and sometimes I could swear that I feel his hand on my leg! So I'm seriously reaching the point where I wanna punch him in the stomach for touching me! Not because I hate him, it was just some weird knee jerk reaction, because I'm trying to keep from being so close to him. But I make it through class and I'm seriously considering just ditching tomorrow, just to avoid him and his suckably thick ass cheeks! But it doesn't stop there.
After class, I go into the showers really fast to wash the chlorine off, and I close my eyes as the water is running over my face. Well, I hear Bobby say that his shower went cold, and he moves under MY spray! And just as I wipe my eyes and I'm able to see again, Bobby literally pushes back a little bit, and rubs his butt across the front of my speedos!!! I haven't felt that soft warm squish against my dick since Kyle pushed us together in the first place. And for a quick second, I couldn't help but think about how much I wanted to grab a tight hold of his hips, dig my fingernails in, and finally feel what it's like to completely sink myself into somebody's insides and plug away for all I was worth!
I couldn't take anymore, my dick was getting so hard, so fast, that I almost couldn't get out of there in time. I practically 'pit-patted' my bare feet out of there and tried to rush back to my locker before I got hard enough for someone to notice. I was half bent over and my feet were sliding all over the place, but I was seriously feeling my hardness angle upwards, and I wouldn't be able to hide it after that. So I escaped, and yanked my clothes on as fast as I possibly could. I was still wet, so my clothes had these wet spots all over them, but screw it, I didn't want to be caught with a boner in gym class around a bunch of other boys! By the time Bobby came into the locker room to put his clothes on, I was fully dressed and locking my combination lock. I don't think I've ever high tailed it out of a locker room so fast!
Anyway, he called three times tonight, I didn't answer the phone. I'm literally scared to talk to him now! Is that crazy or what? I wish I had Joanna back so I could throw him off of my trail a bit and make him think I was straight again. What kinda sense does that make? A closeted gay boy actually running from a an interested cutie with an amazing ass! Ridiculous, right?
Oh....and Brandon ducked out on me at lunch today. He gave me some bullshit excuse about going to the art room to finish a project he was working on. But...you know..what was I gonna say? 'No, you stay here and eat lunch with me and pretend to like me again, or else?' I wonder if Brandon has a swim class coming up? I'd share a shower with him any day.
Anyway, I'm trying to avoid the depression that comes from having him back away from me emotionally like this. But it's hard. The less I get to spend time with him, the more I realize that I never really had him in the first place. I've really gotta just...tell him how I feel soon. Actually..you know what? I'm gonna tell him. That's all there is to it. I'm inviting him over next Saturday, and I'm gonna....find some awkward ass way to say, 'I love you, Brandon'. I'm putting it in writing now, so I HAVE TO do it! I just have to. So...yeah. There it is.
Shit, the phone is ringing again. It might be Bobby. I've gotta hide out until he gets back to his senses. He's gonna mess around and out BOTH of us if he's not careful! Can we say 'discrete'? Geez!
I'm outta here. Later.