- Arrgh! No escape! Is Bobby, like, stalking me now or what? I already had to get a zero in gym for ditching today, and now I've gotta watch the phone and scan all the messages too for the next few days just to make sure my mom doesn't get the call from the school computer! But as soon as I got home, he like....CALLS me! I guess I should have expected him to call me, but I usually don't pick up without checking the caller ID first. Well, this time I made the mistake of taking a chance, and sure enough, it bit me right in the ass. So he's like, "Hey, Billy. I'm glad I caught you." And I'm just gritting my teeth and wishing that I could disguise my voice and tell him that I wasn't home.

So, I'm like, "Hey." But I'm totally not jazzed to be talking to him.

He says, "I wanted to talk to you yesterday, but you ran out so fast that I didn't get a chance." Psh! You'd think he'd take the hint. I asked him what he wanted to talk to me about, and he said, "Look, I wanna hang out with you some time. Seriously. Do you wanna go somewhere? Maybe just spend some time together?" How does he DO that? How does he just speak a few words to me in the halls everyday, and then just...ask me to hang out as though I wasn't practically a stranger to him a few weeks ago.

I ask him, "Hang out and do what?"

And he's all, "I dunno, whatever you wanna do, I guess. You wanna come over?"

"No!" I think I said it so fast that it caught us both by surprise. There was a silence for a second, while I was smacking myself in the forehead for being so nervous. Then he giggled from the other end of the phone. "What?"

And he's like, "You're so cute, you know that?" Now see, that just crosses the line of being a 'friendly comment'. That was CLEARLY a gay comment! You can't just hand a male 'acquaintance' from high school a gay comment like that and not flinch! I could be some gay bashing homophobe for all he knows! Joanna thinks I am! Unless....

Unless he knows I'm gay too.

Did I do something to tip him off? Is he just guessing? What if he knows? Like...REALLY knows? What if I can't hide it from him? What if he has that 'gaydar' thing? Did he catch me staring at his ass? No. He doesn't know. How could he know? Then again, how did I know about him? Because he was staring at other boys in the locker room and started drooling over Brandon. What if he saw ME staring at other boys in the locker room and drooling over Brandon??? Awwww...he could totally ruin everything! He'd make it so obvious if we were...well....we're NOT dating! But if we were, and...like, tried to keep it a secret, he'd be so bad at hiding it. But...when we were together....all alone and naked...wait...why is my mind wandering??? Back on track!

So he asks me again if I wanted to do something some time, and I told him, "I don't know. I'm kinda busy these days, Bobby. I'll...I'll think about it, ok?" Which doesn't solve the problem, but at least it buys me a few days to stall him so I can come up with a legitimate excuse. He seemed to be ok with that.

Then he says, "Ok, hehehe, maybe this weekend, k? I'll seeya later." I think he was blushing. You can kinda hear it in his smile, you know? Weirdness.

I had an interesting run in with Jamie Cross at school today. Which reminds me, there are an unnatural number of phenomenally beautiful boys in this school. And I kinda want them all! Anyway, he actually approached me as I was going down the stairs to the lunch cafeteria, and said that he loved the work that I did on his project last week! You hear that? He 'loved' it! Awwwww....I could hardly stand when he told me that. Did you know that Jamie's eyes sparkle extra bright when he smiles at you. He has to be smiling directly at you personally...nobody else can see it from any other angle. It's so cute. They're like...Gatorade blue or something Hehehe, he still makes me squirm inside when he's being nice to me.

He said, "I've still got until Monday to get it all together, but I'll give you a copy when it's all done. Cool?" And I'm like special. Just being somewhere in 'public', where people could see Jamie Cross talking to ME..it made me feel so cool! I wonder if the people passing us on the stairs were watching and envying me the way I used to envy anybody else in Jamie's presence. He's, like, such a celebrity to me. I was still pretty speechless, so all I could do was nod and smile and try my hardest not to turn deep red in front of him. And THEN...he's like, "You know, I'm getting ready to go grab some lunch with some friends of mine at the burger joint around the corner, you wanna come?" DO I WANNA COME???? What the fuck would make him ask me that??? What the hell do I do??? "I think we can squeeze you in the back seat, if you're interested." I'd squeeze into ANY tight space with Jamie 'fucking' Cross, are you kidding me???

But.....ARRRGH....I kinda fucked everything up! Well, I mean, not really..I just....I couldn't. I'm SO gonna hate myself every time I look back in this book and read this entry! But...Brandon was already kinda mad at me, and I didn't wanna ditch him for lunch. It would only make things worse. Even if he doesn't wanna talk to me, I can't just...not be there. You know? So I had to make a choice...sighhhh. And I chose Brandon. But I did it with a WHIMPER, believe me! Jamie heard it and laughed when I said that I couldn't. Then he says, "Don't worry about it, hehehe! Some other time, then. Thanks again for the interview though. I'll see ya 'round!" Then he went to go be beautiful and cool and sexy with somebody else. He'll 'see me around', sure. Whatever. There is no way in hell that Jamie Cross is EVER gonna ask me to hang out with him and his friends ever again. Never. There will never be another interview, there will never be another visit to his house to be alone with him, there will never be another chance to share a lunch with him, and watch those perfect kissable lips chow down on burgers and fries from the other side of the table. God gave me one chance to finally get my ONE childhood wish to come true, and I fucking blew it. Sometimes, I don't see what keeps me from drowning myself in the bathtub.

So I ate lunch with Brandon instead. And it was more of the same. He was pouty and weird, I was pouty and weird, and we might as well be on two different deserted islands as far as conversation is concerned. But, even though I missed out on spending time with the hottest blond cutie on Earth..I was glad that I came to lunch. For some odd reason, I find more comfort in sitting here in silence with Brandon rolling his pretty eyes at me, than anywhere else on the planet. He completes me, even when he's mad at me. Sighhhh...this MUST be love if it's making me act this backwards.

Anyway, I'm going to bed. I'll write more later. See ya.

-Billy

- There's a weird feeling in my stomach today, and it won't go away. I could be overreacting, but....it's just some stupid jittery feeling that refuses to leave me alone. When I got home from school, the phone rang. And I made extra sure that it wasn't Bobby Jinette, as I was able to expertly dodge him for an entire day without running into him once. I had a close call around last period, but I quickly ducked into the girls bathroom and waited for him to pass. Aren't girls supposed to scream or something when you do that? The only two girls in there were Becky and Hillary, and they just kinda sneered at me, saying, "What are you doing, dork?" You would think that they would be...I dunno...a bit more 'threatened' by me or something. Whatever. That's not the point of this story at all.

So I picked up the phone, and there's this...'man' on the other end. He's asking for my mom, and I tell him that she's not home and ask if I can take a message. Well, he says he's some lawyer guy, and he's all like, "Please tell her to give me a call, and let her know that I've drawn up those papers she's been asking for." Papers? WHAT papers? Hopefully he's not talking divorce papers! I ask him to tell me, and he says, "I'm afraid that's a private matter. I'll have to discuss that with her directly So please let her know where and when to reach me." He gave me all the info, and I wrote it down on the pad next to the phone...um....yeah. I left it there for an hour or two. But it was driving me CRAZY just being there! So....just five minutes before I expected her home from work, I charged into the living room, tore off the top page, and ripped it into pieces too small to tell what it was. I tossed in the trash bag in the kitchen, right next to the leftover lasagna that had been sitting in the fridge for a week and a half. No WAY she's getting that message. Not if I can help it.

Anyway, since that damn phone call, I've been cursed with the constant feeling that I'm gonna lose my lunch any second. It's not cool. Not at all.

I sat with Brandon at lunch today as always, determined to wait out this silent tantrum of his and find the chance to just blurt out how I feel at the bell, and run out of the lunch room before he has a chance to laugh at me. (Yeah...that's kinda....like...the best plan I've come up with so far. But DON'T worry! I'm working on it!) He almost smiled a couple of times. At least I think he did. But, now that I promised to tell him as soon as he stops being angry with me, I don't know if seeing him smile makes me feel better or scares me shitless. Either way, I was sure to keep paying attention.

If only I could find the right words to say, 'I love you'. Well...you know, besides just saying, 'I love you'. I mean...should it be like this big speech where I can kinda break him into it easily? Or should I just get him alone and tell him without any bullshit at all? Catching him totally off guard. Or...or maybe I should just lean forward and kiss him, and pray that he doesn't beat me up? Ok..I'm not even gonna PRETEND that I have the courage to go through with that last one. But, I'll have to think of something, because he won't be pissed at me forever. Well, at least I hope not. Whatever.

Confusing.

Oh man! Do you know what Jimmy did to me tonight? He basically 'closed' my invitation to hang out with him and Lee on Fridays! Can you believe that shit??? Where does he get off pulling some shit like that? I talked to Jimmy on the phone, and I remember that Lee kinda wanted me to hang out, and I thought it would seem weird if I'm turning them down all the time. So I'm like, "I thought maybe I could come by tomorrow night and hang out with you guys? Just for something to do, you know? I can pay for the video if you want." I even offered to pay for the video! I mean, come on!

Well, Jimmy kinda clears his throat, and he's like, "Umm...yeah, sure. I mean, if you really WANT to, I guess it's ok." What the hell is THAT about? He didn't sound like he meant that at all.

So I asked him, "Well, is that ok? I mean, you don't sound too thrilled with the idea of me actually being a part of the group."

And you know what he says? He says, "Well, I'm kinda working on building something with Lee right now. And so far it's been awesome. I just don't want anything to come along and mess it up. No offense." No offense??? Is he kidding me! I'm the one who introduced him to Lee in the FIRST damn place! ME!!! He was my friend first, and now I can't hang out with him because Jimmy wants to put Lee's extra sexy dick in his mouth every weekend? That's not fair! Besides, he's just fooling himself. Lee's not gonna just suddenly roll over and be his boyfriend or anything! It's not gonna happen. And the fact that he would even 'suggest' that I wasn't welcome...that just really upset me!

So I tell him, "Fine. Forget it. I don't even want to come over."

And he's all, "I didn't say that you CAN'T come over. I just wanna spend some time alone with him, that's all."

I'm like, "Like you didn't spend ENOUGH TIME 'alone' with him already!"

And he's like, "Come on, Billy...this is different! I just...I like being alone with him right now, ok?"

And I said, "So I'll just come in, say hello, and hurry up and leave before you two start 'kissing' each other. How about that?" And Jimmy says, "Don't be like that. That's not what I said at all. Quit being a baby." A BABY??? I'll show him being a baby! I said, "You know what? If you didn't want me to come over and just wanted to keep MY friend all to yourself, then you just should've said so in the beginning. So, whatever. Have fun. I don't care anymore."

So he's all, "Fuck you, Billy."

And I'm all, "Fuck YOU, Jimmy!" And I hung up on him. I went through all of that effort to build up his courage to get him to talk to Lee and invite him over, and what does he do? He forgets all about me and runs off into the sunset to be all shits and giggles with some other guy. I was his friend when everybody else was calling him weird. I came to visit him in the hospital when he was hurt. I even gave him his first kiss! How can he just suddenly 'outgrow' our friendship and go give his attention to somebody 'better' than me? Huh?

Whatever. Fuck him too.

There's that feeling again in my stomach. I'm gonna go lay down. Some days are just meant to be forgotten about, you know? Seriously.

I'll see ya soon.

- Billy