- Ok...so...I wasn't quite sure what else to do. But I'm kinda winging this as I go along. I guess I'll worry about the consequences later. See...my dad called the house and left a message on the answering machine. He was asking for my mom specifically, and he said, "We need to talk about things..." I'm wondering if that lawyer guy called him too. Or if maybe he just found out about these mysterious 'papers' of hers. I didn't know what to do, or how in the hell I thought this was going to stop them from talking, but I erased the message right away. I made sure to erase his number from the Caller ID too, just in case she checks and calls him back. I just....I don't want them to start talking about things like that just yet. The longer I can hold out, the better. Maybe my dad will get tired of this other so-called lady and he'll wanna come back home. Maybe we can just forget this whole stupid thing ever happened. At least...that's what I'm hoping for. PRAYING for. I really don't wanna my parents to call it quits. What teenager does?
Besides, I've got enough to worry about.
I kinda did something rotten to Bobby Jinette today, and I thought that I might...call him up to apologize or something. Not tonight though. Maybe tomorrow. I know that he doesn't mean any harm, he's just being...sweet. He follows me around, he smiles at me the whole time we're together, and he keeps doing these really cute things around me. Like...sometimes, when he's being bashful, he shrugs just one shoulder when he talks. Just the right one, never the left. It's like the shoulder helps him to get the words out or something. Well, maybe I'm being dumb. I just thought it was cute, that's all. But anyway, he asked me if I was doing anything special this weekend. Which was frustrating! Because having to say no repeatedly to a cute boy with an ass like that is seriously working on my nerves, not to mention that it makes me question my sanity. But...I was kinda mean to him about it. I said, "I'm BUSY! Don't you get it? This weekend, next weekend, every weekend from now to forever. So stop asking me already."
Yeah, like I said...it was mean. But that might have more to do with Jimmy than anything. I'll get more into that in a minute.
Anyway, I knew that I had hurt Bobby's feelings the second the words left my mouth, and I felt really bad about it. He had such a painful look on his face, and he said, "Sorry. Didn't want to bother you. I was just...wondering." But it was really soft, and he was like, "I've gotta go back to my locker. I think I forgot something." And he walked away from me without saying anything else. I really fucked up, didn't I? I just didn't...I'm not trying to....he won't STOP, you know? And every time I'm not mean to him, I end up leading him deeper and deeper into this fantasy that will never happen, right? So....yeah, I'm stuck. I'm probably going to have to make up for it now. And being nice to Bobby is going to put me right back where I started.
Sometimes, I think fate likes to punish us by putting us on the opposite end of our own sins. Because with me constantly running around behind Brandon and lusting over him with a giggle and a blush every single day, I guess I know how he feels now. And now that Brandon is being mean to me...I know how Bobby feels too. I just wish the answers were a bit more clear for me. Right and wrong used to be so easy to figure out before these damn hormones turned on for everybody.
Speaking of Brandon, I can't really explain it, but I kinda...didn't go to lunch today. I don't KNOW why I didn't go! I just...I was totally on my way down to the cafeteria, I was doing just fine, and I thought about whether or not Brandon was still going to be acting weird around me or if he was coming out of it. And for some reason, both options just...scared the shit out of me. I could literally feel my heart pounding in my chest. I got so nervous that I just kinda slowed down, and then I chickened out completely. So I went to a study hall and hid out for the whole lunch period. My stomach was grumbling all day long. I shoved my face full of so much junk food when I came home that I could hardly breathe. I don't know what caused that, but I hope it was a one time thing.
Now then....I saw Jimmy in the halls early on in the day, and he pushed his friend Stacy to talk to me. Why he needs her as an 'ambassador' between us, I'll never know. But I saw them both from down the hall, and he sent her over to make amends. She said, "You know...Jimmy is really upset about what happened, and he wants to talk to you."
So I'm like, "So why doesn't he just come talk to me?"
And she says, "Because he thinks you hate him now."
Geez, he doesn't have to overreact THAT much. I told her, "I don't hate him, Stacy. I just think he's being selfish."
She asks, "Selfish about what?"
And I have to ask her, "Oh...so, he didn't tell you what happened?" Which, I guess kinda makes sense, you know? She said that she had no idea. She just knows that we were fighting. I couldn't really explain it without getting into some of his private details. I couldn't explain why I was upset without getting into a bunch of my own. So I told her to tell Jimmy to just come talk to me. He was already watching us from down the hall, he might as well just tell me what's on his mind.
So she goes back and tells him and he walks over all shy and apologetic. And he says, "I'm sorry, Billy. K? Please don't be mad at me." I told him I wasn't, and to forget about it, but when I asked if I could still come over, he still cringed a little bit. And then he told me, "Billy....look, just...not tonight. Ok? NEXT week! I promise! But not tonight." Arrrgh!
So I'm like, "Why???"
And he looks around, and whispers, "Because I wanna see how far me and Lee can go tonight. I want him to..." And he looked around again, and said, "I wanna go all the way this time."
I said, "I thought you guys already went all the way."
But Jimmy said, "No...I mean ALL the way. You know?" And he made this gesture where he was putting his index finger in the hole the other fingers were making.
He was smiling when he said it, his eyes were practically twinkling. But I suddenly found it hard to look him in the eye. I don't know....something about the idea of Lee and Jimmy finally doing it 'all'...it just hurt a little bit. My heart sank. And I was almost sick from it. After a moment of Jimmy looking for a reaction from me, I said, "Oh...I get it."
And Jimmy was like, "Please tell me you understand. It's really important for us to have just one more night alone. And then, I'm thinking about asking him to be my boyfriend. Like...all the time." I think that statement hurt even more. I don't know, maybe it's just because I'm alone right now. I just didn't wanna hear that at that particular moment.
So I shrugged my shoulders a little, and he was still waiting for me to say something. And I asked him, "So....are you gonna do him...or is he gonna do you?" I don't know why I asked, I just needed something relevant to say.
And Jimmy giggled and bit his bottom lip, looking around us again. And he said, "Lee's got a really cute ass, but I want him to do me though. That would be so hot. My mom has these candles at home, and I found one that was about the same size as Lee, you know?" I was literally sulking inside My insides turning cold with every word. "Well, I kinda...'tried' it, and it fit. It doesn't hurt at all. So I'm thinking...if I get myself ready before he comes over, then maybe we can...you know...do it then." I think my mind was wandering, and I started fishing around in my backpack for some phantom object that I knew wasn't there. Anything to keep him from seeing the mixture of jealousy and misery in my eyes. And then he asked, "Do you think I should buy some....condoms?" The way he whispered the word 'condoms', you would have thought he was asking for cocaine. "I mean, I think I should get some. If I go to the drug store and ask to buy them, then....they can't say no, right? They kinda HAVE to sell them to me, right?"
I couldn't believe I was even having that conversation at that particular moment. I just shrugged my shoulders again and told him, "Whatever." And then I made up some excuse about getting to my next class early to check on my test grades. So he left me alone, but that shit stayed on my mind for the rest of the day. I don't know, maybe it made me crankier than usual. Or more scared than usual. Or just plain...sad.
I know Lee always gets to Jimmy's around 7 o'clock on a Friday, and his mom leaves shortly after. That was about two hours ago. So....I guess they're 'doing it' by now. Lee is probably on top of him right now, taking the rest of his virginity, and kissing him and everything. I suppose....I should start thinking of them as a couple now, huh? Oh well...I don't care I guess I should be happy for him. For both of them. I wish it was me instead...but, you know...whatever.
I think I might pass on going over there next weekend. I'll leave them to their love and sex and just...stay out of it. Besides, for some odd reason, I feel like my heart would break if I saw him kiss Lee in front of me
Okay, now I'm just depressing myself. I'm gonna wrap this up before I make it worse. I'll write more later. See ya.
- Billy (Still alone)
- Wow...ok, I just...I got off the phone with Brandon about five minutes ago, and I'm just...I'm feeling good. Only Brandon can make me feel so GOOD! So effortlessly, too. I can't believe that I actually talked to him the way I did. It just felt....like such an incredible and mature conversation, you know? The whole time we were talking, I was thinking "Whoah...we're like...REALLY talking. Like adults." I don't know, it's silly. But I'm serious. It was just a really cool talk, that's all.
I was gonna call Bobby and apologize, but I knew that if I did that and was being nice to him again, he'd probably ask me to hang out tomorrow. And that's just digging myself into the same hole. So I figured, if I call him tomorrow instead, at night, then we won't be able to do much until next weekend. And I'm sure I can come up with a much more polite excuse by then.
Anyway, I kept thinking about that hurt look on his face when I yelled at him. And I kept thinking about my mom and dad and what must have gone so wrong as to make them not want to live together anymore. And I kept thinking about Jimmy and Lee and how happy they were becoming as they discovered each other more and more. So...I wanted Brandon and I to stop fighting, or whatever it was that we were doing to each other. And I called him up out of the blue. I couldn't believe that I was dialing the numbers on the phone, but I didn't stop myself. I was shaking a lot, but when he picked up and we got through some 'polite' small talk...I told him that we needed to talk.
I can't believe how much I sound like my dad when I say stuff like that.
And I was just like, "How come you're mad at me?" He tried to deny it at first, but I just didn't want him to bullshit me at that moment. I needed the truth. So I said, "Come on, I KNOW you're pissed at me, and whatever it was that I did, I'm sorry, ok? I don't want to keep guessing about what's wrong. I want us to be cool again."
And he was quiet for a second, and he said, "I want that too, Billy."
And I asked him, "So what's the problem, then? Tell me. Please?"
He told me, "It's a bunch of stuff."
So I asked him, "Like what?" And he just refused to give me a clear answer. And somewhere, deep down where I didn't think I had even an OUNCE of courage, I came right out and asked, "Is it because I said you could give Bobby Jinette my phone number?" Um...yeah, I said it. Out loud. On the phone. To Brandon. I think it shocked us both for a second, and he didn't quite know how to answer that. And I'm glad it was his turn to talk, because I didn't really know what to follow it up with.
Then he shocked me, by saying, "Maybe. I don't know. Probably."
And I was like, "Oh..." And then it was quiet for a second, and I was shaking soooo bad, but I said, "....You know, we only talked like once or twice. That's all."
I think he was nervous too, because his voice was trembling a little, and he told me, "Bobby said you guys were in swimming class together...." He didn't give any real reason for bringing that up, but it scared me. But not in a bad way. In that really cool way, where you're frightened, but you kinda wanna keep going. And he said, "It's ok if you wanna talk to Bobby, dude. I don't want you to think I'm being weird, just..." And he let his sentence hang right there. His voice had gotten so soft, and so cute.
Somehow, this conversation had kinda transformed in to this clever maneuver around what we were really trying to say, skating around the edges and never just...sighhh....saying it. But...I told him, "Well, if it came down to it, I'd kinda like to be with you instead." I said, and there was dead silence on the phone. So, I HAD to say something before I rattled myself to pieces. "....OK?" I asked.
And he said, "I have to go, Billy. K?"
But I told him, "Please don't go, Brandon. Stay and talk to me for a while. Please?" And he asked me why, and I said, "Because I don't want you to go yet. I wanna be with you for a while." I was quaking to the point of TEARS at that point, but I was hoping he didn't reject me. Not this time. And I told him, "It sucks to think about you and not have you there, you know?"
And he asked me, "You still think about me?"
And I whispered..."All the time."
Well, that led into a conversation that lasted over two hours. My mom actually had to force me off the phone. It was a bit awkward at first, but after about ten minutes, we got our friendly vibe back. But...it went a little deeper this time than before. At least for me it did. And it was like I fell in love all over again. I feel like I did the very first time I saw him sitting in the library, with his head down in those books, studying his every curve. If anyone had told me back then that I'd be talking to him on the phone and telling him how much I think of him...I would have thought it was a cruel joke. But it happened. Brandon and I talked about everything from our parents, to school, to God, to music, and we just...opened up until our ears got all sweaty and we had cramps in our shoulders. You know? It was....great. It was really great.
I think I'm gonna tell him. I think I'm ready. I think he's ready. All I've gotta do now is get him alone.
I'm getting all wiggly inside now. I've gotta go. I've got a 'confession' to plan.