- You know, just when everything in life feels dismal and unfair, where nothing at all could possibly hope to fix it or mend the scars it leaves on you...some really awesome stuff takes place! And it makes things whole again. Like...balanced, you know? The only BAD thing about it is, I feel really guilty about enjoying it! Because it's one of those 'bad for them, but good for me' type of things, you know what I mean?
Let me explain....
First of all, whatever Sam and Joanna have been going through lately, it all came to a head today at second period. I mean, there was actual yelling and slammed lockers involved. I was actually able to catch a good part of the argument in the hall on my way to class, and I had to fight really hard to keep from smiling! The two of them were looking at each other like they never wanted to see each other again! And all because he shared some laughs and a few friendly words with Sarah Maxwell. Remind me to run up to that girl and give her a great big kiss on the mouth for causing the beginning demolitions in this supposedly 'perfect' union between boy and girl!
Besides, after what Joanna said to me about wanting to be with Sam because she was...'tired' of my lack of commitment, or whatever...the bitch deserves it. I hope Sam fucks Sarah Maxwell on video tape, so I can sell it to all of Joanna's friends and force her to watch it over and over again! Like I said, I feel slightly guilty about enjoying such an obviously hurtful situation...but I'm smiling anyway. Fuck her! Now SHE knows what it's like to not be 'good enough' to be loved by someone you fucking TRUSTED to be somewhat 'careful' with your goddamn FEELINGS!!!! You feel that, bitch? It's rejection! Let it burn! *I* did!
I wonder if this changes things between me and Sam? I can't quite be sure I mean...can we possibly be friends again with Joanna out of the picture? I don't know. But I doubt that I have to worry about Sam stealing Brandon away from me! Hehehe! So that's a plus.
Speaking of Brandon...do you know that he gets more and more 'pretty' every single day? He really does. Especially today, because every shy and super cute tactic that he's ever used against me was in full effect during our lunch period. He was so.....so....damn BEAUTIFUL...that I could hardly stand it! I thought that maybe he'd pretend to forget about our phone conversation on Saturday. I thought he'd go back to trying to confuse me with bashful grins and dodgy conversation. But he didn't. In fact, he smiled and blushed a LOT today! He even said, "I'm glad you called me on Saturday, Billy. You were right. I was mad at you. But I'm sorry, ok?" Just hearing that made it nearly impossible to breathe. It was so....arrrgghhh! I don't have a word to describe what I was feeling right then. I don't have a word to describe how I'm feeling right now! But he really made me melt with that comment. Yeah...'melt'...that's a cool word.
But, somewhere, during all this 'coolness'...Brandon told me that his cousin Ashley is getting married this coming weekend. And he's leaving town..for a WEEK! I mean...I was just getting to a point where I felt like we'd be able to finally be able to talk about 'stuff'. You know? And he wants to jet off to go be pretty with someone else? That's not cool at all! I mean....I just...I was gonna TELL HIM!!! Fuck! Now he's making me rearrange my plans! Should I...should I tell him before he leaves? Or should I tell him when he gets back? If I wait until he gets back, I might have lost my nerve. But telling him before Saturday??? I don't know if I'll even HAVE the courage by then!
I was trying really hard to not let on that I was seriously having my life turned upside down with this sudden announcement, but it was hard to smile when I was so worried about what to do.
You know, sometimes, Brandon drinks milk, and he gets this little wet 'milk moustache' thing that he only lets stay on his upper lip for, like, a second. Then he licks it away with his awesome pink tongue, and it's just...sighhhh....really cute. I don't know why I brought that up. I just wanted to remember that for some reason.
So anyway, he's leaving on Saturday, and I'm gonna try to find a way to sorta tell him....that 'I love him'....before he's gone. Ohhhhhh God, I'm actually trembling with fear just writing that sentence! How the hell am I supposed to speak the words out loud? I'd just write it on a piece of paper and hand it to him if I thought I could run away fast enough to be COMPLETELY out of sight by the time he read the note. Why is life making this so complicated? I should just fucking tell him, right? Just stop being a sissy and fucking TELL HIM! Ok, screw it...I'll do it tomorrow. I'll do it at lunch if I have to! I have nothing to be scared of It's Brandon we're talking about. What's he gonna do? Hit me?
Oh man..........what if he hits me?
No! No! What the hell am I talking about??? Brandon's not gonna hit me! That's just stupid thinking. Ok, so it's settled then. Tomorrow....I tell him. I say, "Brandon, I love you." And I just.......wait for a reaction. That's all there is to it.
Sighhhh.....all there is to it.
I completely forgot to call Bobby yesterday to make amends for yelling at him on Friday. I suck for that. He didn't show up to gym class today, meaning he ditched on purpose. So he must be pretty hurt. I've gotta find him and do something to make him feel better. It's not like me to be so mean. I think mean THOUGHTS sometimes, sure...but what happens in my head, stays in my head. Hurting someone else's feelings is lame. Anyway, I'll make it a point to find him tomorrow.
I saw Jimmy in the halls twice today, and I kinda expected him to be feeling really down and depressed. I was ready to go over and offer my condolences and do my best to cheer him up after his weekend with Lee. But, much to my surprise, Jimmy was giggling more than ever. It struck me as odd, but when he finally got me far enough away from 'people', I figured out why. He could hardly contain himself when he whispered, "I think I've got myself a boyfriend, Billy! Not just ANY boyfriend...but the most wonderful boyfriend in the whole WORLD!"
It was a relief at first, because I thought his break up with Lee was going to be devastating for him. So I'm like, "Who is it?"
And Jimmy goes, "What do you mean, 'who is it'? It's LEE!"
Okaaaaay...assuming that there aren't TWO extremely cool, unbelievably cute, boys named Lee running around this part of town...I'm gonna guess that we're thinking about the same one. I'm not sure what Lee said, or didn't say, to Jimmy on Friday night, but I don't think he got the desired message to compute. Then again, what kind of 'easy let down' can you give a gay teenage boy after you've just taken his virginity by sinking, balls deep, in his most private orifice?
So...here I am again. Wondering if I should make any of this my business to the point where I'm the one telling Jimmy that Lee's...um...not really his 'boyfriend'. I should probably stay out of this completely, shouldn't I? I mean, Jimmy is gonna really get hurt when he realizes what's happening. Or not happening, as the case may be. And while I feel sorry for him for having to endure that kinda pain...at LEAST he got to sleep with one of the cutest boys on the PLANET!!! **Repeatedly**!!! I'd definitely suffer some heartbreak for that golden opportunity!
Sorry. That's a bit too 'honest', isn't it? Sigh, whatever. I'll never stop kicking myself for not wrapping my lips around that boy's boner first!
I just hope that Jimmy will take it well when Lee tells him the truth. For now, I just kinda gave Jimmy a fake grin and said, "That's great, Jimmy Really. I wish you guys the best." I couldn't even look him in the eye when I said it. I just....I just hope that the height of his fantasy will keep him afloat for a bit longer. After my experience with AJ, I know what it's like to give your virginity away to someone who turned out to be..
...Less than what you were hoping for.
Anyway, I'm going to bed. I'll write more tomorrow. Right after I tell Brandon I love him. As soon as I get home, I'm sure I'll have plenty to say! Right? Yeah.......right. There's that shiver again. I've gotta grow a pair and stop being a wuss. Wish me luck.
- ARRRGH!!! Dammit!!! You know what? I should have told Brandon that I loved him yesterday instead of today! I totally would have done it yesterday if I had thought of it then!
Ok, before I start mentally punching my cowardly self in the stomach...let me explain! Everything that Brandon did today, from those first few minutes before school where he was locking up his bike, to eating with him at lunch, to seeing him in the library later on....was just....too much! I don't know how else to explain it. He was cute, he was funny, he was sweet to the point of me being reduced to a stuttering idiot right in front of him! And....and....and......awwwwwwwww, if you just could have seen him. I think his big beautiful eyes were shining extra bright, just for me. But don't think that I chickened out lightly! No way! I was determined to tell him, just like I said I would be. I walked up to him early before school, and while he was at the bike rack, he smiled at me and said, "Hey, Billy. I was hoping to catch you early today. I was wondering if I could borrow your notes from yesterday. I have no idea what I did with mine." Naturally, I had to think extra hard about whether or not I wrote anything even remotely 'gay' in my notebook. I'd be humiliated if I had absentmindedly written Brandon's name somewhere in there and he saw it. I think it was alright though. So I let him have it. Then...
I'm like, "Brandon?" Hoping that this would be the moment. That I'd just say it, and he'd say it too, and we could get all of this tension out of the way so we can get to more 'fun' things. Like hot passionate naked tongue kissing.
But he said, "Don't worry, I won't mess up your notebook, I promise. I might draw some dirty pictures in it for you, though." He, like, giggled in the cutest way when he said that. And I figured a joke might be a way to loosen up a bit.
But without thinking, I said, "Are you gonna draw naked pictures of yourself in there?"
And he blushed, and softly said to me, "I'd draw naked pictures of you in here if you wanted me to. But you'd have to pose for me, so I get it right." And I know that he was kidding...but that didn't keep my confidence from shrinking down to almost nothing instantly. I was practically speechless for the next few minutes, and when we walked into the school together, I could barely even say goodbye to him. Strike one.
At lunch, I saw him again, and thought about trying again. But I don't think I had ever seen the cafeteria so crowded before. It was rainy and kinda dark outside, so a lot of kids just stayed in today. I don't know, it just felt like the whole damn school was there all at once, and they could hear every word I was saying. Or even THINKING for that matter. There were people sitting at the table next to ours, people sitting at the table behind me, people sitting at the table behind him...we were boxed in on all sides. I couldn't even play around and be flirtatious without someone overhearing us. This was definitely not the place to do this. If he says he loves me back, I didn't want anybody to hear him. And if he says, "Ewww, don't touch me, fag!" then I REALLY didn't want anybody to hear him. So...yeah. Strike two.
Then....in the library...it was half empty, it was quiet, and he was looking extra cute. But...there was something in his eyes today. I wish....sighhhh....I wish I could explain it. Somehow, just having him look at me like that...it hurt. In that good way, you know? I didn't talk much, I just...stared at him while he talked. Trying to nod my head and mumble a response whenever I could catch my breath. My eyes became so fascinated with his lips that it was hard to look at anything else. I was just obsessed with the concept of kissing those lips and releasing myself from this...enjoyably constant pain! I just....I don't KNOW why I chickened out that third time. But it was too much for me to handle. It made me too weak to speak. Too weak to think. Too weak to move. All I could do was 'feel'. And what I was feeling was too strong for me to deal with and function on some kind of intelligent level at the same time. So...strike three it is.
This is harder than I thought it would be. And I'm beginning to think that it's gonna take more than courage to do this. It's gonna take a leap of faith that will break me up pretty badly if he's not there to catch me.
The deeper I fall, the harder the consequences.
I did see Bobby come back to class today, but when I apologized to him, he accepted it right away. Really fast. Maybe too fast. And it didn't feel sincere, you know? It was like he was trying to avoid me or something. So he's just like, "It's ok, Billy. Really. Don't sweat it." And he walked ahead of me towards the locker room. Sooooo.....does that mean he's still hurt? Or are we cool now? No idea on that one.
That lawyer left another message on my answering machine at home again this afternoon. And I took care of that one too. I doubt that my dad is too happy with me after our last conversation, but maybe I should make some kind of effort to visit him some time soon. Maybe I can plant the seeds that'll get him thinking straight again before that dumbass lawyer jerk gets in touch with my mom. This stupid problem can still be solved, I'm sure of it.
Anyway, I'm gonna veg out in front of the TV tonight. My homework is already done for the night, and I've got nothing better to do. So I'll write more tomorrow. Maybe talking to Brandon will be easier then...when I'm not so goofy over him. It must have been the rain.
Yeah...that's it...the rain. Later.