- Have you ever had one of those days that was so 'up in the air', that it didn't quite seem to have any real purpose in your life at all? No effect, no importance, nothing. I wonder if someday in the future, I'll be laying on my death bed, and regretting that I just let this day go by so....'wasted'.
Well...I suppose it wasn't completely wasted. Jamie Cross talked to me in the hall today. It wasn't anything special, but he remembers my name. So that's a plus. No invites to hang out at his house again. No invites to go to lunch with him and his friends. Just....small talk between two boys who are sure to fade out from one another and return to being that pretty face in the hallway again someday. Oh well...at least I got to be near him for a little while. I guess I should be thankful.
I wish I could have at least grabbed a big juicy handful of his ass or something though. Just to say that I did it.
Bobby came back to gym class today, but I think it was only because he's three absences away from failing completely. I said hello, but he was hardly talkative. It was like it hurt him to look at me. I never really expected him to invest any kind of real emotion in me. I thought he was just...you know...horny. Like I was. I saw him at his locker, standing there all quiet, and I thought about how I felt sometimes. Being gay. And all alone. Just wishing that I could understand what was so wrong with falling for another boy, so that I could be disgusted too and make another choice. That's what I saw when I looked at Bobby today. And I think I really hurt his feelings last week. I truly suck for that.
Then he started taking off his pants, so I had to look away. Whether he's really speaking to me or not, he still has the most delicious ass of any boy on the planet. It's really hard not to stare once you get a peek at it.
I sorta heard through the 'gossip network' that Sam and Joanna are officially not speaking to each other. Which is a step away from breaking up for good. But they're not quite there yet. I wonder what really caused things to go south with them. I mean, Sam talking to another girl doesn't seem like it would be enough to destroy things. Then again, if Joanna nagged him enough about it, he probably started to throw some of that friction back in her face. Sam has never been one to put up with much of that nonsense. With him and his mom going at it the way they do from time to time, he's developed a pretty fearless attitude when it came to someone trying to back him into a corner. Hehehe, I remember one time he threw a brick at the guy in the ice cream truck and broke his side window! Hahaha! Sam gave him a ten dollar bill for some ice cream, and the guy only gave him change back for five. I doubt that the guy was purposely being shifty, but that didn't stop Sam from raising such a ruckus that the guy actually decided to drive away from our block. And the next thing you know, there was a hole in his window, and Sam and I were practically jumping over hedges to get away from there before he called the cops! Hehehe...yeah, I remember that. Sighhhh...you know, good times and bad...I really do miss him sometimes. I miss having a best friend in general.
Oh yeah....then there's Brandon. Maybe it was a depression, or just a bad mood that did it. Who knows? But I didn't even try to go for it today. What's the point, you know? He's leaving for a week the day after tomorrow. It was stupid of me to think that I could really just 'say' it and have everything be ok. That's just not realistic. The most I can hope for is that he'll understand me being gay and won't be too weird about being seen with me afterwards.
I dunno...whatever. Like I said, I'm just in a stupid mood. And I don't even feel like writing anymore. Goodnight.
- You know what Lee asked me tonight? He wrote me a message and was like, "Did you talk to Jimmy yet?" What the fuck does he MEAN 'did *I* talk to Jimmy yet'??? Why would *I* have to talk to Jimmy about anything??? Exactly how did I get to be the 'ambassador' in this situation? That's not even REMOTELY fair! He's the one who got his dick sucked and a piece of ass! Let HIM take care of this mess!
So I'm like, "What are you talking about? No! I'm not talking to him for you."
And Lee is all, "Why not? I thought you were gonna help me out, Billy?" But I told him that I wasn't going to break him up with Jimmy. I can't just 'take care' of the problem just because Lee doesn't wanna be confrontational or whatever. Besides, what would it sound like coming from me? Like, I talked to his boyfriend and came back to say, 'Jimmy, he doesn't want to be with you anymore'. That's not cool at all.
I don't think Lee was really upset with me. I'm not really upset with him either. I'm just not going to get myself any deeper in that situation. It'll only make things worse and hurt Jimmy even more if Lee just starts backing away from him and not even getting up the nerve to talk to him about it himself. That's all. I told him, "I'm sorry. Look, just tell him before he really falls in love with you and can't let go. It'll be ok. He'll understand."
Lee's like, "No he won't. I think he really believes that we're a couple."
And I said, "You can't just expect it to go away, dude. You've gotta talk to him."
But Lee had a good point when he said, "It's going to be pretty hard to tell him that I'm not gay, Billy. I mean...we've done things with each other. Lots of things. He's not gonna believe that I just suddenly decided to be straight again. It's gonna look like I used him."
"Well..." I said. "...You kinda did." There was a short pause after I said it, and I wondered if that last comment really hurt Lee's feelings. I didn't mean it that way. I started to type out an apology when he sent another message.
It said, "You're right. You're totally right. I'll talk to him this weekend. Face to face." I have to admit, it kinda surprised me. Face to face? I was gonna suggest he be a chicken and toss it in an email or something. I suppose Lee wanted to be more noble about it though. And he said that he would take care of it. He even said he was sorry for suggesting that I should do it for him. It got to the point where I had to stop him from taking so much blame. Then, he typed, "Thanks, Billy. That's why I love you, dude."
Now...I'm not sure what kind of 'switch' that turned on inside of me, especially since I know the situation. But some kind of horned up hormone flared up, and I wondered what laying naked side by side in Lee's arms would feel like. What does his kiss taste like? What do all of his mouthwatering parts taste like? I'll bet it's like that faint scent of vanilla that he always seemed to hold in the fabric of his clothes. My mind wandered, and he asked me if I was still there. I don't know what made me ask, maybe a moment of weakness, but I did it anyway. "Hey Lee? If I had kissed you instead of Jimmy...would you have had sex with me?" I remember typing it out, and staring at that sentence for a few moments with my finger hovering over the send button. I think I actually clicked on it by mistake, and it was too late to take it back after that. So I started biting my nails nervously, and waited for a reply.
It seemed like it took him FOREVER to answer me! I was about to just turn off the computer and escape so that by the time we spoke again, I could just pretend that it never happened. At first he just sent a couple of question marks, which scared me a little bit. "???" That's all it said. I felt so stupid! I shouldn't have asked him a question like that! That's GAY!!! Why the hell did I do it! But then...he sent another message and asked, "You mean, if you and I were to, like, fool around?" Arrrgh! Why oh why did he have to ask me for details? Now it's like I have to....*confirm* it or something.
So, too scared to not answer, I said, "Um....yeah."
There was another pause, a short one, and then he said. "Yes. Definitely." I literally felt an orgasm rush through my entire body when he said that. I mean, the fact that he said 'yes' was enough to make me shiver and shake...but adding the word 'definitely' was like....wow! I found myself panting a little bit, and didn't know what to write next. But after another few seconds of waiting, Lee just said, "I've gotta go. Dinner time. I'll see ya soon, Billy. K?" I found the strength to say goodbye, but not much else. That's a conversation that I'm going to be thinking about for a long time to come. I wonder...if he'd let me...I mean, even after he and Jimmy...what if he...? Ok, I'm not gonna drill myself with that scenario.
Anyway, I saw Brandon today, and he seemed to be in the same kind of shitty mood that I was in yesterday, if not worse. So he was hardly in the mood to giggle all that much, not that he didn't give me a polite grin here and there while we were talking. You know....he's even pretty when he's sad. In fact, he's almost sexier when he's feeling down. It's like this slightly sensual pout in his lips, and his eyes look all soft, and his hair is all still and draped down over his eyes. It's like an artistically moody black and white photo or something. It's times like that where I wish I could just lean forward and cheer him up with a nice, long, kiss on the lips. I asked him if he wanted to talk about it, and he just said, "Things are just not the way they're supposed to be. That's all."
I didn't know what that meant, so I asked him, "Why not?"
He's like, "Because..." Then he looked down at the table for a long time, and I waited for him to say something else. "...I just get sick of being afraid of everything. I'm sick of not knowing what to do about...stuff."
And the words were really close to almost coming out of my mouth. For no reason at all, I wanted to tell him that I loved him. I really wanted to. So I said, "I know what you mean. Sometimes I get scared of 'stuff' too. So..." Our eyes connected for a second, and he looked like he was almost begging me to say it. Even *I* was almost begging me to say it. But no matter how hard I pushed, the words would NOT come out. So, instead, I said, "I like you a lot...Brandon." He didn't say anything right away, so I looked down at my lunch tray, and started spinning my soda around. Anything to keep from looking at his eyes. "...And I think about you...like...everyday. And sometimes...I feel like..." I couldn't stop talking. I couldn't stop shaking. And it almost felt like my stomach was going to burst any second. But I said, "...I feel like...I like you...more than a lot." I know I mumbled it under my breath, but I'm sure he heard me. I'm sure of it.
I wish I had gotten a reply. I wish I could sit here and write down all of the awesome things that he said to me afterwards. But to be honest, the rest of our lunch period was incredibly awkward. If we made eye contact, it was by mistake. And even then it was only for a few seconds. But, as terrifying as it all was for me to have to sit there and eat lunch with a boy that I just...'subtley' spilled my guts to...he didn't hate me. Actually, we didn't know how to talk to each other on this new level, but it almost felt like something good was happening. At least I think it was. He did blush a few times. I don't know if that counts as me telling him how I feel, or if I have to do better. But for now, it's a rush to know that I made some kind of serious attempt to say something in a cafeteria full of kids who would probably beat the shit out of us both if they knew we were over there being sensitive.
I waited all night for the phone to ring. But it never did. If it weren't for talking to Lee, I would have gone insane from waiting. I could have called Brandon myself...but what would I say? I can't believe he's leaving tomorrow. For a whole week. Why? Sighhhh...I miss him already.
I'm gonna stop writing now. I suddenly don't feel so good. I think I'm gonna lay down and just...I dunno...think about stuff for a while.