- Strangeness. That's what today has been. Pure strangeness.
It all started with an early phone call, and went downhill from there. Or is that uphill? Or maybe it just went straight, with no hill at all...but it was, like, raining pink lemonade....which equals strangeness.
My mom had gone out to get some groceries for the week, so I was ripped out of a deep sleep by the annoying ring of that damn phone. I had to roll out of bed to pick it up. "Hello?" And it was my DAD, of all people. Needless to say, it was a bit of a shock to hear his voice. It had been a while.
He was all like, "I need to talk to your mom. It's important." But after I told him that she stepped out, he asked, "How is school going, champ?" And he said, "I don't want to be a stranger to you, Billy. Why don't we make some time to get together for dinner this week? I'd love to see you." It was such a numb feeling that ran through me. I hardly remember what I said in response to his questions. I just kinda rattled off whatever mechanical instant reply that I could think of. The concept of him really being 'gone' from the house...so far gone that he had to call me on the telephone just to hear my voice....really began to sink in all over again. As if for the very first time. I have to admit...it hurt.
By the time he had finished talking, I had agreed to come visit some time soon. Next week. As mad as I was at him for what he did before, I miss him. I wanted to see him. So I said that I'd come by on Wednesday. I have a five page History paper due on Thursday, but if I get an early start on it, I can finish a day early and be ok. Despite the argument we had on the phone...I mean....he was my father. I wanna spend time with him We talked for a few minutes more about nothing special, but before he hung up, he told me, "Take care of yourself, and I love you very much. Ok, tiger?" It would have choked me up if he didn't immediately remind me of how 'important' it was that he talked to my mom right after that. This wasn't just an erased message on the machine this time. This was a direct request, person to person, man to man. It would be kinda hard to convince either one of them that I just 'forgot'.
Did I learn my lesson and finally give her the message? Hell no! I don't KNOW what my excuse is gonna be, but I'll handle that when she twists my arm and demands one. For right now, all I know is that them talking possible divorce is NOT gonna happen! Not now, not ever! I'll block divine messages from God himself if I have to! My mom came home with the groceries, and I kept my mouth shut. That's that.
Anyway, that wasn't the only weird thing to happen today. You see, I kinda forgot that I had locked myself into hanging out with Bobby today, but he was quick to call me and jog my memory around 1 o'clock. Not that hanging out with Bobby was going to be a bad thing, I just wish I had been given a couple of days to...I dunno...'prepare' or something. I picked up the phone and he was a bit nervous, but talked like everything was cool. I just happened to notice a bit of a shake in his voice. Plus he sounded like he was moving around a lot while he was on the phone. Like....'pacing' or something. He beat around the bush for almost ten whole minutes, talking about school and movies and random stuff that he seemed to pluck out of thin air for no reason at all. And then...he finally popped the question. "So....do you still think you wanna hang out today?" He almost said it as if it wasn't the sole reason for him calling me in the first place. What could I do? I was already the 'bad guy' for hurting his feelings, I at least owe him some friendly company. You know...no hard feelings and all that. So I told him that I was free if he wanted to get together and do something, and he practically hit the ceiling. "Cool! Well, um....do you have a pen? I'll give you directions on how to get here!" I took down the information, showered, got dressed, and went over on my bike. Which is pretty good for drying your hair out when it's wet.
Bobby has a really cool looking two story house, with one of those fancy kitchens and really nice furniture. You could tell that his parents put extra money into designing it and making it more pretty than 'functional'. I liked it though. It kinda smelled like lemons and walnuts. Hehehe, I swear! It was that exact combination of scents, if you can imagine it. Bobby opened the door looking just as dressed up as he does when he goes to school. Which was weird for just 'hanging out' on a Saturday afternoon. I was expecting sweatpants and a t-shirt. But I guess his parents put just as much money into his clothes as they did the furniture. He was really happy to see me. So happy that I was a bit uncomfortable at first, because whatever expectations he had concerning me were way beyond my ability to perform, I'm sure. He hardly said anything at all at first, just asked me politely to take off my shoes, and then he kinda stared at me with this big cheeky grin on his face. It was as if Justin Timberlake had just stepped into his house and asked him if he could take his clothes off so he could feel more at home. It made me blush a bit, and I quickly kicked off my shoes so I could get out of his line of sight.
I tried really hard to be normal, you know? I gave Bobby a chance, and I was having fun. Like I said, he's cute, and he's cool...but we're just not...sighhhh, I don't know. Something doesn't really click with us where I just feel totally comfortable around him. I keep wondering what I should talk about. And when I finally did start talking, I had to ask myself if he was really paying attention. He was interested....BOY was he interested...but that's not the same as really being into what I was talking about. I think he just liked being able to stare at me up close for a while. I guess it was just an awkward thing, trying to extend our conversation beyond our usual short walk from the school hallway to the gym locker room.
Then, he's like, "You wanna see my room, Billy?" And he seemed to be trembling when he said it, so I told him that would be cool. We went upstairs, and the first thing I noticed was that his room was REALLY clean! I mean, obsessively so. I didn't know that boys my age really did that...cleaned their rooms, I mean. He had everything neatly stacked and in order, a couple pair of shoes had been paired up outside of the closet, the bed was made, it was like a Sunday paper sales catalog photo. Weird. I wonder if Brandon's room looks like that.
Sighhhh...don't know why I said that. I'm only gonna depress myself again I'm putting it out of my mind now.
Anyway, Bobby and I hung out for a while, bordering on being 'chums', but not really knowing how to make that leap. I hate to say it, but I was almost ready to go home after the first half hour. Maybe it was just the idea of thinking about Brandon knowing exactly how I felt about him without giving me the same courtesy of knowing what the hell was on his mind that was bothering me. Maybe it was just....missing him SO much after just one weekend day that had me feeling so down. Who knows? But I almost felt guilty for trying to use Bobby as a temp while his love was gone from my life.
I think he sensed it after a while, because he said, "You're not really having fun, are you?"
I lied and said, "No, I'm fine. Just have a lot on my mind."
I wish I could describe my surprise when Bobby said, "Billy...I know we're not exactly 'friends' or anything outside of school....but if it's alright with you, I wanna change that. I like you. You make me smile, even when you don't know that you're being...um...." And he paused for a second, and covered his face with his hand. "....Uhhh....cute."
"Can I have something to drink?" What? It was all I could think of to say. He was being flirtatious and weird again, I had to say SOMETHING!
So he said "Sure!" And I followed him back downstairs to the kitchen. And I looked at that ass in front of me, and I let it invade my thoughts, and I wondered what it would be like to 'accidentally' bump into him naked and slide right up that tight asshole to the hilt! By mistake of course. The round globes of his perfect ass and his sweetheart smile was a deadly combination when you paid attention to it. Even fully clothed, if he were to sit on my lap, I'd cum in an instant. I'd cum HARD!!! I doubt that I could take it without passing out.
Did we have a good time together? It's hard to tell. I found myself slightly detached from Bobby today, but aroused by his beauty at the same time I suppose that I should be nice to him, huh? Because if it turns out that Brandon hates my guts when he comes back from being around REAL men...then Bobby may be all that I have left. We played some games, we talked...well, I talked, and he just sorta giggled nervously the whole time. But there was no doubt about it, he really did have a crush on me. The way he looked at me, with such a passionate longing that rivals even the most basic of human needs...it reminded me of the way I used to look at Sam when I first discovered that I liked boys. The way I look at Jamie Cross whenever he passes me in the hall. The way I looked when I first saw Brandon sitting at that desk, with his soft dark hair resting over his eyes, his long legs lazily stretched out in front of him...making me wet with his amazing persona. With lips that begged to be kissed, time and time again.
Sorry, got off track there for a sec...
Anyway, I saw that look in his eyes, and did my best to keep it from landing on me for too long. I diverted his thoughts with every random topic that I could think of. But he wouldn't budge. His eyes twinkled, and he kept scooting closer to me, and sometimes he'd touch my arm. Exactly what did he think was going to happen here today? I don't know, but I was able to keep his horniness at bay the whole time I was there. Not that it was easy.
When it was time for me to go, I had been mentally molested inside and out, I'm sure. But he didn't say anything. He didn't 'try' to say anything. It was almost as if....he was just happy to have me around. I dunno, like I said, it was strangeness.
Shit, my mom wants me to wash the dishes. I've gotta wrap this up. Next she'll be talking about the state of chaos that my room has been in for the last few weeks. And I'm afraid that I'm not going to be half as interested in cleaning it up as Bobby was.
But, first...I can't just hold this in and not write it down. Not when I'm feeling like this. Brandon is....he's gone. I mean...not for good, or anything...but he's too far away for me to feel his love any more. If it was ever there to begin with. And it hurts, you know? I keep trying to say to myself that it's all a part of my imagination. That I'm just making this up because I subliminally WANT to be sad and depressed. But...I don't know...he's never seemed so far away before. What is he doing? Who is he talking to? What does he think of me after I said what I said to him yesterday? Does he even care? It's twisting my insides up in a tight knot just thinking about him, and I can't STOP thinking about him. As usual. Am I in love? Is that what this is? It can't be, because this doesn't feel good at all. This isn't what I felt with Sam, or with Simon, or even with Jamie Cross. This isn't what Jimmy talked about when he got to have sex with Lee for the first time. This isn't what I felt for AJ when we first went out together. I don't know WHAT this is! But it hurts! It hurts so much that it's like having a decaying cavity in the center of my soul, and it won't go away. I can't even ignore it long enough to enter ONE lousy day's worth of events in this diary! I just want it to go away. If Brandon doesn't love me...then I'd rather not have this feeling inside of me at all.
But what if he does? What if he does love me? That question is what makes it hurt so much. That question is what makes the pain stay right where it is until he gets back. Geez, and I thought I was being tortured before!
Ok....Mom's calling me again. I've gotta go. I'll write more tomorrow. Promise. Later.