- Well...I tried to get a jump on my History paper, but I barely got through the research part of it. Sighhh...not that I could really concentrate on anything for longer than 30 seconds at a time anyway. I wish I could let this go, but....every minute of the day, the ache gets a little bit worse than it was the minute before, and I'm almost sick with the feeling of it.
What does Brandon think about me already??? I mean...ARRRGH!!! Where is he? What is he doing? What is he thinking about? Stupid fucking wedding! I'll bet he's out there somewhere with girls drooling their nasty spit all over him. I just know they're gonna make him dance with some girl. I just know it. They always do that at weddings. They better not touch him! Not until I get my answer. They'll spoil everything. I just....I just...I'm so hurt that I can barely think straight. I literally curled up on my bed today and didn't move for over a half hour because of it. I mean...what would be the point, right? Why didn't he just say that he loved me back? Or that he hated me? Why couldn't he at least say, "I'm not gay, fag boy?" Anything would be better than this. Well...maybe not the 'fag boy' comment, but shit....you know what I mean.
The worst part is that I think I fell even deeper in love with him the moment that the words left my mouth. Which makes this confusion all the more agonizing. Ah well, at least I know that I'm not alone in my suffering tonight.
I got a rather disturbing call from Jimmy tonight. I guess Lee kept his word. He told him that he wasn't really into that stuff and said that he was so sorry for leading Jimmy to believe that they were heading towards being a couple. Naturally, Jimmy didn't take it well. In fact, after a huge crying fit, Jimmy said that he told Lee to get the hell out of his house. But talking to him on the phone, even that didn't help. Jimmy said, "I loved him, Billy. I loved him sooooo much. I was really beginning to believe that just ONCE I could be happy with somebody. That just ONCE somebody I loved could love me back! How could I be so fucking stupid?"
And I told him, "You weren't being stupid, Jimmy. It just sorta happened. I know it sucks, but you'll find somebody that will make you happy someday. Seriously." It was a lame attempt at a pep talk, and I doubt I fooled him, even a little bit. How can someone with my screwed up sense of a love life possibly cheer up a heartbroken teenager?
He told me, "I still love him. I still feel it. And my heart feels like it's going to cramp up and stop working forever. I just don't understand, Billy. We were so good together. He was sweet, and sexy, and affectionate...we laughed and cuddled all the time. What did I do wrong?" I told him that he didn't do ANYTHING wrong, but who honestly believes that when they've been dumped by somebody else? Jimmy started saying that he never felt so rejected before in his life, and then he started crying so hard that I could hardly catch the next few sentences. But I know that the gist of it was that he didn't ever want to fall in love again. How many times have I tried to make myself that same promise? More times than I can count, I assure you.
SHIT!!! I just remembered that this week is the 18th!!! I've got that big science exam to study for on Friday! It snuck up on me. I have to remember to make time to do that once my History paper is done.
Sorry...where was I?
So Jimmy and I talked for almost an hour, and most of it was him crying and sniffling over Lee. The rest was full of general comments about how much love hurt, and how it wasn't worth it anymore. It was one of those moments that I wish I could tell Jimmy the truth about me. That I could share what I was going through with Brandon and let him know that I understood completely. But I didn't. I'm sure the last thing Jimmy needed to hear right now was that his first big crush pretended to be straight just to keep from having him want me. He slowed down little by little, and after a while, he said, "I'm sorry, Billy. I just...I don't have anyone else to turn to. Not a single person in this world. If it weren't for you, I'd be all alone right now. So thanks, ok?" I have to admit, it made me feel good. He also said, "Can I ask you a favor?"
And I was like, "Sure."
And he said, "Sometimes it really really hurts, and I don't know if I can handle this by myself. I know it's a lot to ask, and I don't wanna drag on you or anything, but....if I'm feeling bad, can I call you? Please?"
I'm like, "Of COURSE you can call me, dude. I'll be here, k? And I hope you feel better. Try to cheer up for me."
And he said, "I'll try. G'night." And he hung up before I said goodbye. I hadn't seen Jimmy this upset since....well, since that 'thing' he almost did to himself. God....I hope he's ok. I don't want him to go through with all of that again. I don't want to go through it again myself.
It made me wonder....is that gonna be me when Brandon gets back from his week away from school? Am I gonna be the one with tears in my eyes, trying to retrace my every step and figure out where I went wrong? Left instead of right? Up instead of down? I feel bad right now, but I still have that unknown variable that keeps me guessing, and allows me to float on a very thin cloud of hope. If Brandon comes back and tells me no, it'll drop me. What will I do if that happens? Is it going to be as bad as I think it's gonna be? I don't even know. What happened to me? How did Brandon get to be the end all be all of my life anyway? What happened to Jamie Cross? What about Sam, or even AJ? I was totally cool just seeing Brandon once in a while in the library before. Just admiring the curve of his ass in a student chair and a nice pair of pants. Now my whole damn world has been turned upside down and I'm writing his name in my notebook every single day. I think about him, I dream about him, I kiss the back of my hand and imagine it being his sweet lips against mine. Since when did I become so goofy over him in the first place? I should really let this go. Yeah....I think I'm gonna let this go.
Anyway, I tried to write to Lee tonight, just to make sure that he was ok too in all of this. But he didn't answer. I know he was online, he just didn't write back. He must be feeling guilty. Lee is one of those people that's so incredibly lovable in the eyes of everyone he comes into contact with, that he suddenly doesn't know how to handle it when someone gets angry with him. Knowing Lee like I do...he's probably feeling so guilty that he's afraid to talk to me. He takes these things kinda hard. I'll give him some space. I guess he'll talk to me when he's ready.
I've gotta go. If I don't get some more done on my History paper, I'll be screwed come Thursday. My teacher doesn't exactly accept 'I was hurting because my whole life is screwed up' as an excuse for turning in a late paper. Deadlines suck. I'll seeya later.
- Billy (Trying to focus)
- Yawwwwwwn.....I'm so damn tired right now. You have no idea. I don't think I slept all that well last night. I had this weird dream that I was at this wedding with Brandon, and he was marrying Lee! What's worse, is that everybody at the wedding was naked, and Brandon and Lee started doing this really hot 69 at the altar, but when I tried to get up, my bare butt was stuck to the front pew with some kinda super glue. So I was screaming for them to stop it, because Lee wasn't even gay, even though he was extremely hot, but Brandon didn't care because....well....he was extremely hot. And it ended with me literally ripping the skin off of my ass to interrupt the wedding. I think that's a weird one for the ages, huh? No more microwave Philly Cheesesteak sandwich thingies before bed.
Anyway, today was an interesting day. I saw Jimmy briefly in the halls, but he was surrounded by his group of female buddies while he tried to hide his face from everyone else. I think he must have cried himself to sleep and then started again the second he woke up this morning. That's what it looked like, anyway. His eyes were super red and swollen, his hair was more messed up than I had ever seen it before, and his lips were twisted into this permanent frown. He seriously looked like a completely different person today. Our eyes met very briefly, and I gave him a nod, and he gave me a little wave...but a tear dripped out of his eye before he even turned away to go to class. It really hurt to see him so sad. There wasn't really much I could do but be there for him when he needed me. And even then, it's not like I could magically say anything to take the pain away or make him feel any better. But if he trusted me, I guess it's the least I could do. After all, nobody should have to endure that pain alone.
My English teacher gave us a three page paper to do for Wednesday. Sighhhh....as if I needed MORE to do! But she's pretty much demanding that it be done by Wednesday, as it's going to be a big part of our semester grade Ok.....so, I'm thinking, if I work REALLY REALLY hard on my History project tonight, then cut some corners on the English assignment tomorrow...then I can finish my English paper by Wednesday, go and visit my dad on Wednesday like I promised, spend some time there, then get what's left of my History paper done on Wednesday night. Then if I study real hard during study hall on Thursday, and then again Thursday night, I can get some study time in for my Science test on Friday. I think that should work out fine as long as nothing comes along to screw that up. Ok...so keep that in mind...History paper on Thursday, English paper on Wednesday, Science test on Wednesday...no wait...on FRIDAY, and then visit my dad....um.....oh yeah, on Wednesday! Cool! Done.
Oh, I talked to Sam today. And you wanna know something, he actually smiled a little bit, and it just....it did something to me, you know? It brought me back to the times when we used to be so easily compatible. The times when he was the closest thing I had as an actual 'companion' in this life of mine. Thick and thin, good times and bad. He's still at odds with Joanna, but I didn't really get into detail about that. I don't think he really wanted to talk about it. And God knows that *I* certainly didn't wanna talk about it. Anyway, by the time we were finished sharing a few low key giggles...I thought about maybe asking him if I could call him on the phone or something. It might be cool to just....connect again on some level. I don't know, it just....was an urge I had. I didn't ask though. He almost looked like he was waiting for it, and I...I just figured..he wouldn't want to. Or something like that. I don't know, whatever. But it was good to see him.
I saw Bobby Jinette again today in gym, and he seemed to blush every twelve seconds. He invited me to come over again this weekend, but I wasn't really sure that I wanted to at first. I told him "Maybe", because I just didn't wanna come out and say 'no', you know? It might give the impression that I really didn't like the time we spent together this past weekend. Which...I don't think I did, really. But there was no need to hurt his feelings by telling HIM that. However, I was swayed a little bit when I saw him showering after class today. There is nothing more erotic than watching the gentle slide of shampoo suds sliding down the back of Bobby's neck and running softly between those shiny wet ass cheeks of his. I jacked off twice today just thinking about that plump piece of meat. Sighhhh....I swear, if I could just get the chance to fuck him just one time...I'm gonna be all over that! Hehehe! I swear, he's orgasmic to watch. Mmmmmm!
Ok, I can barely keep my eyes open right now. I have to stop. I'm soooo tired. Actually, it's a bit early, but you know what? I'm going to bed. I can barely even see straight, so it's not like I'm going to be able to really put any serious effort towards my History paper anyway. I'll set my alarm to go off two hours early tomorrow, and I'll try to hurry and squeeze it in then.
I'll see ya soon.