- Ah shit...I can't even say that it was an accident. I did it on purpose this morning. I set my alarm for two hours earlier than I usually wake up, just like I said I would. I even went to bed a bit EARLY last night, and I really wanted to get up this morning and put some time into my History paper. I just...I couldn't! I know, I know...I'm being a lazy fucking asshole right now, and I *KNOW* that it's due the day after tomorrow...but when my alarm went off I just could NOT get up. My body was just....too exhausted. My eyes hurt, my body was numb, and all I could think of doing was drifting right back out of consciousness. It's like my body didn't want to listen to me. So...I just went back to sleep I fucked up. But I STILL have a chance! I mean, I crammed really hard to finish a great deal of it during study hall today. And I've still got some time tomorrow, right? So...I'll just keep trying. I've gotta push it aside to finish my English paper after all.
Anyway, I had something really cool happen today! You know, since Brandon has been gone....
Sighhhh...it sucks SO much to say that. 'Gone'. He's NOT 'gone', he's just extremely unavailable for the time being. Still....I wish he would, like, CALL ME or something. Just...just to let me know that he was thinking about me. I'd just really love to know that he was thinking about me. I miss that.
Sorry. I'm way off topic here.
So, since Brandon has been....'unavailable'...I've been pretty much eating lunch by myself. Which can be a little humiliating in front of the rest of the cafeteria when you're not really used to it. It's like you can feel their eyes on you, saying, "What a loser. Eating by himself? Ugh!" I don't know why. People eat by themselves all the time. But in high school, it's just different, I guess. So I'm sitting there at the table, trying to get rid of my food as fast as possible so I can retreat to a library somewhere and get out of the social spotlight. Not to mention that it would be an extra twenty minutes or so that I'd get to work on my English paper for tomorrow. I haven't even STARTED it yet, and she's pretty much demanding that I hurry up and get it done. I swear, that lady thinks that writing her stupid paper is all I've got to do with my life. I just love how every teacher treats their students as if they're the only class they have with homework. ANYWAY....off topic again....
Guess who came over to sit with me today??? SAM!!! I'm serious! And it just so happens that he was wearing that deep red t-shirt that I love so much on him. The one that makes his blond hair look all shiny and golden, and his eyes look really soft and stuff. He's so cool in that shirt. So he's got his lunch tray, and he stands my table and says hi. And I'm like, "Hey, Sam! What's up?" And we talk for a few seconds, but I noticed that he wasn't really going anywhere. And he was still kinda waiting at my table, and finally I'm like, "Do you wanna sit down?"
And he says, "Do you mind?" Which seemed like a really odd question at the moment, but I guess I have been pretty mean to him the last few weeks. So I told him it was cool, and we actually ate lunch together today! Omigod, things just seemed to click again! I mean...we actually had fun! We even laughed together for the first time in forever. I LOVED EVERY SECOND OF IT!!! God....I really missed him!
I was going to work on the English paper...or was it my History paper....no...no, it was English...as soon as I gobbled my lunch down, and it would have really helped to have some extra time to write. But...sighhhh....this was Sam! My best friend in the whole world! And we were sitting face to face, chatting and laughing and just being friends like we used to be! I couldn't just 'stop' and say, "Sorry, Sam. I've gotta go write stuff for somebody else." That's just fucking stupid! How many chances am I gonna have to reconnect with someone I really care about like this. I was almost ready to tell him that I forgive the whole offense and just wanna go back to the way things were before her royal pain in the ass came between us. But I didn't get the chance to touch on a topic of conversation quite that serious during our lunch period. Just as we were getting up to go to our next period class...Sam gave me the sweetest smile and held his hand up for a half hearted high five. Which I gave him, along with a smile of my own.
He said, "I miss you, Billy. I really do. Listen, maybe we can go to the Hill and hang out this weekend? If you want to."
HELL YEAH, I want to! I honestly think that I've been feeling giddy ever since he mentioned it! So that's been a big part of this giant smile on my face tonight!
Oh wait, the phone's ringing. I'll be right back....
Well...so much for me working on either one of my school papers tonight. It seems that I had a bit of an 'emergency'. I just got off the phone with Jimmy, and he's really depressed right now. He could hardly stop crying, and he just needed a friend right now. Wow....he's really broken up over losing his relationship with Lee. I should have seen it coming, but I didn't think that he'd really fall that deeply in love with him. And now he's just....empty inside, you know? I think the break up is just eating him alive right now. He actually said the words, "Billy...I'm just getting that feeling again. Like I just don't wanna 'be here' anymore." What does THAT mean??? I nearly jumped out of my skin when I heard him say that! I was seriously ready to leave my house and go over there to talk some sense into him until he started to calm down a bit. I mean...there's something about someone else's sadness that makes you weak inside as well. It's like...it shines this harsh light on everything that's wrong in your own life, and it makes you sympathize with their pain in such a way that it makes you feel just as bad as they do. But the mere MENTION of suicidal thoughts??? Especially from someone who has acted on those thoughts before??? It makes you so brittle inside! It's a panic that makes you completely helpless in an instant. But if he needed me, I would have gone over there. I already had my shoes on. I guess he just decided that he wanted to be alone instead. He said, "I just don't know who I am without him in my life, Billy. I feel so....trapped. Like...my last chance to be happy was just snatched away from me. I wish I could be a bigger man about all this."
I tried to tell him, "It's ok, Jimmy. You'll be ok. If you just hang in there, you'll get over him, I promise." But I don't think that was what he wanted to hear at all. He felt totally worthless at that moment, and I had no way to even ignite a spark of hope in him for anything better. Not that I wasn't willing to stay up all night trying if that's what it took.
Instead, Jimmy sniffled a little bit and said, "I'm sorry. I'm really really sorry that I had to call on you, dude. It just....it was one of those nights. Everything hurts, and the whole world is just....shit right now. It just.....it hurts soooooo much! I can't make it go away, not even for a minute. I just wish I didn't have to dump all of this on you at once. Thanks for listening, ok?" I did what I could to comfort him, but I couldn't do much more than turn his nearly hysterical sobbing to somber tears and sniffles. Something he did more for MY benefit than his. But it helped, and I'm glad.
I told him, "It's ok dude. I'll be here if you need me again. K? I mean that." And he said goodnight shortly after that.
So...I hope I did some good. I really do. But...my English paper is gonna look like shit tomorrow. I'm majorly sleepy right now, but fuck it....I'm gonna work on it. I'm gonna try to finish, no matter how long it takes. I figure, if I work hard on it tonight, finish, and then sleep when I come home from school tomorrow, I'll be ok. I'll sleep for a little bit, maybe an hour or two, then I'll get up, drink some caffeine, and force myself to finish that damn English paper if it fucking KILLS me!!! Then Thursday will be taken care of, and I'll spend all night studying for my Science test on Friday. And then I'll be free to hook up with Sam on Saturday and have some fun! Oh wow....that's gonna be awesome! I'm gonna flip out if we make up and start hanging out again! I miss him so much! Times like this really make you remember why having good friends in your life is so important! So....yeah, I think I've got that planned out right! Ok, I'm gone. I'll write more later.
I've got an English paper to finish! It's only three pages, how hard can it be?
- Ok, so, all of those plans that I made for tonight to get things done and actually have my work finished on time...they all went to shit. Life never EVER goes the way it's supposed to when you're working really hard to finish something before the deadline.
I guess I shouldn't be so upset, I mean...I got to spend time with my dad for the first time in a long while. Yeah, I kinda forgot about that yesterday. I didn't remember until I was leaving school and his car was out front waiting to pick me up. So much for going home to get some sleep. Not that I didn't get enough sleep through study hall and two of my classes. Not to mention that I was a total space cadet during the test review in Science today. So studying for that exam is gonna be beyond difficult. I couldn't help it, I was a total zombie all day after working on that damn English paper until almost 4 in the morning. I could barely go three minutes without yawning and stretching, while everybody stared at me and wondered what the hell my problem was. The fucked up part is that my English paper still looked like shit. But she demanded that it be turned in today, with no late credit available if it wasn't on her desk this morning. So I gave the bitch her stupid paper. I hope she fucking CHOKES on it! Thanks for robbing me of my life, my sleep, and my free time, you heartless succubus! I hope she's happy!
Anyway, I was too exhausted to work on my History paper in class, and I slept through study hall, but I got a little bit of time to work on it by skipping lunch. Which REALLY sucked because I was hoping that Sam would show up again. If he did, then I must have missed him, and I guess I'll have to talk to him later. Sighhhh...I wish we could have shared a few more laughs today though. I suppose my 'slave labor' is more important right now. Grrrr!
So my dad picks me up after school, and I totally forgot that I was supposed to go to his house today to spend some quality time with him. MORE time that I didn't have to spend! But....dammit....I needed to be there. I WANTED to be there! So I went, and tried my best to stay awake. We talked for a bit, nothing too serious, and basically had a decent time together. Which was a comfort because I thought for sure that this was going to be the 'Your mom and I are splitting up for good' speech, with that random bitch in his corner as a cheerleader. But he was basically just being a nice guy today. He even gave me some money for my pocket, so I'm 20 bucks richer today! That's always a plus!
The bad thing is...as much as I tried to just relax and spend time with my dad...all I could do was look at my watch. I mean, that History paper was breathing down my neck pretty hard, it's due tomorrow, and I'm not even CLOSE to having it finished, much less editing it down to make sure it's presentable. I hate to say it, but being away from my writing was just...'frustrating'. How sick is that? I can't even have any fun in my real life because I have this stupid obligation to some homework that my teacher is gonna read once, check for errors, and then toss aside like it never happened. My dad tried to talk to me, but all I could do was tap my feet impatiently and think to myself that I had to get out of there soon. I mean...I just....didn't have TIME to just sit there and chit chat! I didn't have time to relax and play around! I love spending time with him, but I've got shit to do, and it has to be done soon before my teachers start ripping into me for being late!!! So...what could have been an opportunity to touch base with my father, turned into this stressful absence from my common sense, trying to pretend that everything was going great while I was panicking in the back of my mind. By the time I left, I think my dad's feelings were slightly hurt. I mean...I didn't wanna run out on him and make him feel bad. I SWEAR I didn't!!! I just....aww...I had SO much that I had to finish! I'm so sorry that I couldn't stay and just give him my undivided attention. I'll make up for it later. I will. If I can just make it through this week, I should be ok. I just have to...push harder, I guess.
Oh yeah, I got a message from Lee tonight, finally. In response to the one I sent a few days ago. He really wanted to talk. I think he's feeling pretty bad about the whole Jimmy situation, and he's just now finding the courage to open up to me about it. I should have at least offered him a few words of encouragement. But if I didn't get this paper finished tonight, my ass was gonna be toast. So I couldn't really get into it at the moment. So I told him to just put his thoughts into an email for me, and I'd talk to him as soon as I could. Well...a few hours later, he sent me a HUGE email that was nearly six pages long! Talking about how he felt about Jimmy and how bad he felt for hurting him, and their friendship, and....he just poured his heart out to me all at once. I don't think I've ever seen Lee so 'open' and vulnerable before. I mean, what he said was unbelievable, and it told me more about him than I ever dared to ask before. Just reading it kept me glued to the screen for over a half hour. I didn't have the time to answer him tonight, but I definitely wanna talk to him some more about this stuff. He really...just amazed me. Wow! Ok....so, this weekend, I'm gonna definitely send him a long email back to touch on everything he mentioned. I know that Jimmy is hurting, but I honestly started feeling bad for Lee too once I finished reading his 'epic' letter to me. I hope I'll be able to help somehow when I get the chance.
Anyway, I have to get focused and go finish that History paper. I can't do anything else, which includes writing in this damn journal! Hehehe! So wish me luck! I'm EXTRA sleepy after not having any sleep last night, so I'll need it. But there are four more cans of Mountain Dew in the fridge. If I drink all of those in the course of the next few hours, I should be able to stay up for most of the night. And I'll be able to finish. Then...tomorrow, study for Science. Yeah....Science test. I'll be ready.