I finished my history paper. I did. I only got to sleep for 35 minutes last night, but I was determined to get it done. A few times, I literally fell asleep while I was writing, and had to start all over because I was scribbling a bunch of random 'nothingness' on the notebook paper. God....I'm sooooo exhausted right now, but at the same time, I'm just happy with the fact that I finished. Seriously. I worked my ASS off on that paper last night! And despite all of the fucking ass backwards obstacles working against me, tiring me out, trying to make it impossible for me to finish in time...I made the deadline anyway! Woo hoo! It's an amazing feeling! It truly is!
Not only that, I had a pretty awesome day today. Well....except for ONE tiny problem. My mom kinda knows now that my dad's been trying to reach her. Arrrgh! I don't think they talked yet, but somehow she knows that he called, she knows that he told me to tell her he called, and she knows that I've been erasing messages. She's GOTTA know! I could tell by the way she was looking at me. So I'm seriously fucked in that regard. But the strange thing is that she didn't totally come down on me today. I really expected to be one step short of being sent off to military school when she figured out what was going on. Instead, she just......she told me that she was disappointed in me. In a really calm voice. Then she rubbed my head, and she said, "I'm sorry, Billy. Just...don't keep any more messages from me, ok?" And she kissed me on the forehead. Then she just went to her room and closed the door. It's been about two hours now, and I haven't heard a peep out of her all night. I can't tell if she's mad at me, or mad at my dad, or mad at all. But I have this strange feeling in my gut that tells me that things are going south for us a lot faster than I ever could have suspected. Shit....I hate feeling helpless.
I don't really know what to say about any of that stuff, and it's making my belly ache just to consider the consequences of my mom's sudden silence...so let's just say we get on with the 'good' part of my day, shall we?
By the way....Brandon didn't call me yet. I jump up like a fucking speed freak every time the phone rings, still hoping it's him.....calling to say that he thought about what I said, and that he loves me too. So far, I haven't been that lucky.
Ok, so the GOOD news is...I saw Sam again today. He came by my table at lunch, and even though my whole body was totally numb from a lack of sleep...I brightened up right away just seeing his face. You know, I'm sure that I wrote about this before, but I seriously used to have such a crush on Sam. Well, I still do, kinda. Ok, there, I said it. Hehehe, I think being apart from him for so long has suddenly taken a bit of that brotherly love away from our relationship, and I'm starting to remember just how incredibly HOT he can be when he's being cute...you know? He just....he does something sweet to me that nobody else can, and it's mostly because we've shared so much for so long that it's hard to see myself with anyone else and truly being happy. It's like we're soul mates. He just doesn't know it yet. I love talking to him, I love laughing with him, I love being there when he has problems, I love having him there when I have problems too. We 'fit'....you know? We fit better than any other two people on the Earth. Why would God make us so perfect, and put us right here in the same neighborhood, if we weren't meant to be together? Huh? Does that make sense? I know, I know...and I'm trying to keep myself under control. But I honestly feel like...something this beautiful, this amazing, just HAS to be here for a purpose. So....I guess that keeps me charmed by everything he does. And I love it.
So, today, while we're giggling about the fact that our lunch lady wears a hairnet on her head while her 'beard' is left alone to drop more disease spreading hair follicles in our food...Sam says, "You wanna know something, Billy? I hate fighting with you. You know that right?" He said it so...sincerely. I wasn't prepared for it.
"We weren't really....fighting, Sam. I just...." I didn't even know how to finish that sentence. I really didn't.
So he's like, "Well, whatever it was, let's not do it again. Ok? Seriously. You're my best friend. I don't ever wanna lose that. There's nobody on this planet that's gonna replace what you and I have together, I promise" Awwww, it was so sweet of him to say that. And THEN he reached out a hand and said, "Look, I was an asshole. A BIG asshole! And I should never have muscled in on you and your girl. I've been hating myself ever since the first day it happened.....and....I'm sorry. Ok? I'm truly sorry for hurting you dude."
I don't know why it was so easy to say, or why this huge invisible weight was suddenly lifted off of my shoulders the second the words left my mouth, but I actually heard myself say..."It's alright. Forget about it." Of course....it's NOT alright! I mean...is it? I was extremely hurt, depressed, betrayed, and ignored! It's not alright, and it CERTAINLY isn't forgotten! But...for some stupid reason, it felt better to forgive him and get rid of the pain than it did to hold on to it and work hard to find new reasons to hate him everyday. I just missed his smile. I missed his entire existence. Hating him was like being without oxygen, refusing to breathe when I knew that I needed air in my life. He asked if I wanted to hang out on Sunday. And I felt a bit weird trying to start all over from scratch with him after what happened, but I couldn't stop smiling. I was like, "Yeah, sure. You wanna go to the Hill? Just for old times sake?" And he said that would be awesome. I honestly blushed and giggled, trying not to let on that I was overjoyed to have him back. Hehehe! I dunno, it just felt good.
Speaking of things that feel good, hehehehe!
I kinda had an 'experience' with Bobby Jinette today! I'm not sure what happened, but....well....I guess it kinda felt good too. Geez, I can't believe that I'm actually giggling to myself while I'm writing this. But, I dunno....he was like....being really cute today. Shit, am I blushing? Man, I've gotta get a grip. Seriously.
Ok....so, Bobby was just being cool and sweet today right before gym class...and I don't think I've ever seen him be so 'sexy' before. Hehehe, I'm SERIOUS! It's like, he just tapped into something today that really rubbed me the right way. And at one point he asked me if I wanted to come over to his house on Saturday. He was smiling and blushing a little bit, and he gave me this little feminine shrug of the shoulder that was just....hot. Hehehe, ok, I know this sounds strange, but I was really turned on by it. I know that Bobby and I aren't really 'compatible' in the best bud department. But just talking to him today was enough to convince me that he deserved another shot. Maybe just one. Hehehe, you know, he is sooooo cute sometimes! I think I've been hiding that fact from myself for a long time, even while watching him shower naked, but there was something about the way he said, "C'mon, Billy. Why don't you come over for a little bit and get cozy with me for a while? It'll be fun." That just...made me bashful, you know?
Now...I know that Brandon is supposed to come home some time this Saturday, and I was REALLY anticipating a phone call from him the second he stepped through his bedroom door. Even if he told me to fuck off, it would be a release from the torture of not knowing what the fuck is going on with his heart! I've been trying hard to avoid the depressing thought that he just....doesn't want me. I've been trying my best to avoid thinking about him at all. Writing about him. Dreaming about him. Jacking off with his image in my mind. But it's kinda hard to just 'forget' that the most important emotional expression of my life has been completely left in the hands of someone else, to caress or totally MANGLE as he saw fit. So I've been keeping the concept of his return in the middle of my mind for the whole week now. If I'm at Bobby's on Saturday...then I won't be here when he calls me to tell me....whatever he's gonna tell me.
Then again, wouldn't it be majorly cool if he called and I wasn't here? Like...if he thought that I just didn't care one way or the other? Maybe he would know what it's like to have to sit there and WAIT for someone to determine the outcome of the rest of his miserable life. Yeah...if he wants to talk to me, let him leave a message or something. And I'll get back to him when I 'feel' like it. Jut like he's doing to me. I kinda like that idea.
So, yeah, I'm going to Bobby's again on Saturday. And I'm gonna have 'fun' this time too!
Anyway, I've gotta get some more study time in on that test for tomorrow. I might have skated by with my English and History papers, even though they weren't as good as they COULD'VE been if I had more time...but a 'test' isn't hard to fake. There's no staying up late or rushing though it in study hall. I kinda have to concentrate on it.
Plus I still have that really long email from Lee to answer too, and I know he's waiting on me to say something. I'll....sighhh....I'll just have to do it later. I'm already exhausted from everything I did today, I still have homework for tomorrow, AND a test to study for. But I'll make an effort to answer it tomorrow. I should get a chance to do it then. It's only one more day, it won't hurt. Besides, Lee knows I love him. Hehehe, I just wish I had known he was down for 'fooling' around before Jimmy found out. I might have gotten some enjoyment out of the deal.
Ok, gotta run. I'll write more soon! Later!
- Shit, I don't have much time. My mom is suddenly on this weird 'you don't spend any quality time with me any more' kick tonight. I mean, we live in the same house, how much 'quality time' does she need? I think she's just been kinda looking for me to be around her ever since I went to my dad's on Wednesday. Is this where the parental competition thing begins? God, I SO don't wanna deal with this thing right now.
Anyway, I studied for my test last night, and thought that I had it down. But when the teacher passed that paper out today, I drew a total blank. I mean, I don't think that HALF of those questions were even in the homework I studied from. I'd like to be optimistic and say that I might have gotten lucky and passed...but who am I kidding? I'd be lucky if I got a 'D+'. Shit, that's gonna suck when it comes time to average out the grades. I shouldn't have fallen asleep during that damn review session.
Also, my English paper came back with more red ink on it than the black ink I used to write the fucking thing! My English teacher is such a bitch! She's all like, "This looks rushed, and this is a mistake, and there are spelling errors, and inconsistencies...not your best work, Billy." Whatever! If she wanted my 'best' work, then what the fuck was she pushing so hard for me to meet that fucked up deadline for? She demands 100% of my life for her little assignment, rushes me to get it finished, and then complains when it's not perfect. It's not exactly a 'winning' combination. Fuck her, man!
Alright, my mom is calling. I'll write more tomorrow. Besides...I'm gonna try to answer that note from Lee if I can. See ya.