"Billy Chase #99"
- Something is just...wrong. I mean...have you ever had that feeling? That you were somehow just pushed off of the path that your life was taking...and now that you're lost in the 'wilderness' somewhere with no way how to get back to the main road again? That's how I feel right now. I wonder if anybody else on the Earth ever feels that way. I hope so. Because it can be an extremely lonely feeling, thinking that you're the only person on the planet who's too stupid to get things right.
I know that I said that I wouldn't see Bobby any more. But he asked me if he could come over tomorrow. I haven't decided whether or not I'm going to stick to it yet, but I found myself saying 'yes' before I even had a second to think about what I was doing. It's scary, because I now realize that this is the first time that I'm willingly going along with this. I mean, the first time was more of an accident than anything. The second time was a weird sexual explosion type of thing, where I swore that I'd never do it again. But now? I've seen Bobby in school, I am fully aware that I'm nowhere near being in love with him, and I've already promised myself that I wouldn't have any more sex with him. (Even if it's the most incredible sex EVER! He's sooooo good at it!) So that means....if I go over there, then I'm breaking my own rule on purpose I'm deliberately pushing this thing further than it has to go. So...I should tell him no, right? Or...do I let him come over and just...not 'do' anything with him? To kinda show that I have the will power to be alone with him and not suddenly wanna jump on his super sensual bones? What if I give in, though? No...I won't give in. I won't even have him over. Sighhh...but he had the 'poutiest' look on his face when he told me his parents were back in town. He was trying to think of places where we could go, and wanted to come over to my house just for an hour or so, before my mom came home. I shouldn't have said he could come over. That's where I fucked up. I should have flat out told him no. I should have let the weekend be the weekend, and enjoyed the memory of some really hot sex before I had the chance to screw it all up. This CAN'T turn out good for either one of us.
But...as much as I hate to say it...Bobby REALLY wants some more! And...so do I.
I got my science test back today. I somehow managed to score a 'C-' on it..which sucks, but it's better than I thought I did. I suppose randomly guessing at stuff that 'sounds right' can score you a few extra points every time. The teacher said that we have only ONE chance to take a make up test, and that's tomorrow. I might just give it a shot. Hopefully I can at least pull my grade up to a "B" on that thing.
Now...for the Brandon update...
I think...well...I think I did something wrong with him. And somehow I've got to figure out what that is. Because it's becoming clear that whatever it is that's making him hate me, it's my fault. You know, I honestly didn't expect for things to get more difficult when I told him how I felt about him. I kinda figured that things would go the optimistic route for a change. I thought that I could just express my true feelings to him and open my heart and everything would be all sunshine and gumdrops from then on. BOY, was I way off on that one!
It all started when I went to lunch, and Sam came to sit with me. I didn't think anything about it, because we've been talking for about a week now. I didn't think there was anything unnatural about Sam being around his best friend, you know? But when I saw Brandon coming out of the lunch line, I got extremely excited...and almost wanted Sam to....like...leave, or something. I literally tensed up with a smile and thought that I should just take a deep breath and make room for him at the table But he took one look at me and stopped walking entirely. I didn't get it. Why did he look so hurt? Did he not expect me to be there? What was going on?
He looked at me for a second, and then he rolled his eyes and walked off to sit at another table on the other side of the whole cafeteria! All by himself, no less. Yeah, it hurt at first. A LOT! And I slouched down in my seat, playing with my food and trying to have a decent conversation with Sam at my table. But I couldn't help it...I kept looking over at Brandon, hoping that I could find enough anger somewhere in the pit of my stomach to keep me from crying my eyes out. There's something about having your heart broken that makes you feel like you've got an intergalactic black hole in the center of your chest, sucking the life out of you from the inside while you try desperately not to implode and collapse on the spot. And as I was looking over at him, feeling like a TOTAL idiot for saying anything to him about my feelings in the first place...I saw him look back at me, and then roll his eyes again.
I don't know what it was, but I had had enough! That was IT! I told Sam that I'd be right back, and I got up, and I marched right over to Brandon's table to find out what he fuck his problem was. Of course, I was scared shitless every step of the way, but I didn't stop. I was determined to..to....well, fuck it! I didn't know WHAT I was gonna do at that moment! But I was gonna figure something out, and SOON, that's for damn sure!
I was so mad, and so terrified, and so confused, and so hurt...all at the same time. But I walked right up to that table and I put both of my hands on the top, looking him dead in the eye! I said, "Ok, I give up! What is it? What did I do to make you so mad at me?"
And he's like, "Why don't you just go back over there and eat your lunch?" But he's being all pouty and stupid about it.
So I say, "No! I want you to tell me what I did! You haven't bothered to call me, you won't talk to me, you dodge me in the halls...and now you can't even eat lunch with me anymore? I mean, what IS it with you?"
Well, he kinda sucks his teeth, and then he starts packing up his lunch like he's gonna just leave me standing there. I still looked angry on the surface...but inside I really wanted to drop to my knees and BEG him not to go! I didn't care HOW many tears it took to keep him close to me, just so long as this isn't the end of everything in my world that made me feel 'real', you know? Then he's all, "I'm glad that you're...happy...or whatever. I just don't wanna look at it, ok?"
And that's when things got kinda twisted. I was like, "Huh? What are you talking about?"
And he says, "Look, just forget it."
But I say, "I don't wanna forget it. I wanna know what's wrong." And he's kinda not looking at me, and his hand is tapping on the table, and I'm like, "Dude...please, just talk to me. I mean...is it because of what I said? Before you left, I mean?" Not that I dare repeat it. He doesn't seem to respond well.
After I said that, he just got up from the table and got his stuff. He told me, "Look....I get it, Billy. Alright? I was being stupid. And I fucked up. I should've.....I should've told you....sighhh...whatever..."
I said, "You didn't fuck anything up? I PROMISE, you didn't fuck anything up! I just want you to talk to me! Tell me you hate me, tell me I'm sick, tell me it's weird! But don't just leave me wondering what's going on with us. Because I really wanna know, ok?"
I think Brandon was kinda almost crying or something, and I couldn't understand what the hell I was doing to make him feel so bad. I was rapidly searching my brain for the right combination of words that were going to somehow put things together and make him show me that smile that I loved so much. There had to be SOME magic key here that was going to open him enough to say something that made sense. There HAD to be! Then I saw him look back over at my lunch table, and he's like, "I'm fine. Really. It's not important. You and Sam are...you're back together again, and that's great. Just great."
I stopped for a second and said, "Me and Sam? Together? What are you talking about? Dude, you have gotten me so confused right now."
He cuts me off, and he says, "I KNOW why Sam doesn't like me, Billy. He never has. I mean, I'm not an idiot. I'm not gonna get in the way, ok? You guys weren't talking for a while, and he wasn't around, and I came along thinking that...whatever......it was a 'game'. Just a stupid game, and I get it. So go be 'happy' already. I'll just...go away and leave you guys alone." What the fuck was his malfunction??? He's making it sound like me and Sam were dating or something! Is he bonkers, or what?
"Brandon, you and me need to talk. Seriously. No more bullshit. I want to talk to you and find out what's going on and I just....I wanna be friends again. Like we were."
And he's like, "I can't."
And I'm like, "You can't talk to me?"
And he's all, "I can't be friends with you any more. I'm sorry, ok? But I just can't."
He literally 'gutted' me with that sentence. But something kept me talking. Maybe it was panic, I don't know. My mind wasn't really working properly, and my heart had almost stopped beating completely. "So....what? You're just....not gonna talk to me any more? Ever? Is that it?" I asked.
He said, "I don't....I don't know. Billy, I just...I have to go."
But I tell him, "No you DON'T! You ALWAYS have to 'go'! Lunch isn't over yet!"
And he says, "Yeah, but I can't talk about this now. And you can't just leave it alone, so..."
"Well talk to me later then! Please?" I was almost seeing a tiny little crack in the armor. Something was hurting my Brandon, and I'd go to war with ANYTHING that was causing him any pain!
Even....even if it was me.
He said, "Fine. Later then."
And I ask him, "When?" But he shrugs his shoulders. He just wanted to leave the lunchroom without answering me. He wouldn't even look me in the eye. So I told him, "No, I'm serious! When?"
He's like, "I don't know. Later. Just...later." What does THAT mean? Later, like, tomorrow? Next month? Next year? The day after the Cubs win the World Series? WHEN???
So I say, "TONIGHT then! I'll call you! K? Just tell me what time."
And then he looks at me with a really sad face, and he says, "Anytime is fine." But this time he literally squeezes past me to get by and leave the cafeteria. He took his lunch and everything. What was I supposed to do? Chase him and pull on his shirt tail and yap at his ankles like an angry poodle for the rest of the day? How am I hurting him? And what's this business with Sam? It's not like Sam deliberately made a point of hating him, he's just....selective with his friends, I guess. But like I wrote in this book a long time ago, that's just his personality. Sam and I were still really close back then. He can be kinda 'competitive' with his friendship sometimes. That's all. ARRRGH! What am I doing that's fucking everything up? PLEASE just tell me, so I can do the opposite and make him like me again. Geez, I never thought it would hurt this MUCH to be so far away from what we had together before. Whatever it was...I enjoyed it. I thought he was enjoying it too.
Well...I tried to call Brandon over and over again tonight, and he didn't pick up the phone. I guess I should have expected that. If I hadn't waited until it was too late to get out of the house, I certainly would have gone over there and dragged him into talking to me. As 'stalkerish' as it sounds, he would be worth humiliating myself just to see him again. I never should have said anything. I should have kept my mouth shut and just..let fate handle it. I should just go with Bobby and be satisfied. Might as well be happy for what little scraps I get thrown at me from destiny's buffet table.
Anyway, I have to end this here. I didn't get much study time for my make up science test tomorrow, and I'm gonna stay up late tonight to get it done. I'm gonna do even WORSE on that make up quiz than I did on the original if I don't, I can feel it. I hardly have a chance to do anything any more, and when I do get a chance, I can't concentrate worth shit. But....I suppose it was for the greater good. Because I had totally forgotten about Lee's super long email that he sent me. And he sent me another short email tonight that said, "I'm sorry for dumping on you, dude. You don't have to answer that email if you don't want to. Actually, just erase it and forget about it, k? I'm sorry for bothering you." Bothering me? Awww, NO! Lee, you're not bothering me! I love you like CRAZY dude! I just....I just....I read the email, and it was beautiful, and I WANNA answer, but there's a lot to reply to and it's late and I....well, there was Bobby, and Sam wanted to make up for the first time in FOREVER, and Jimmy was hurt and needed someone to talk to, and tons of homework, and that STUPID history paper, and that fucking English paper that my teacher read in like two minutes and decided she hated it, and that last test that I had to study for, and my DAD wanted attention, and my MOM wanted attention, and Brandon's being weird...
I guess I just didn't...fit Lee in anywhere during all of that.
Wow...I just realized how much I really suck for that. Lee's been so awesome to me and he took the time to give me such an important piece of himself. And I didn't even answer. I didn't say anything. Now that I think about it...it hurts to think that he was waiting for me to reply, and I've been too wrapped up in my own shit to give him the time. I suppose that's what Joanna meant by me never being there. About never being accessible, never caring, never communicating. No wonder she hates me so much I wouldn't be surprised if Lee started to hate me too.
Sighhhh...No. I've gotta do something. Screw studying for my science test I know it's due tomorrow, I just...I know Lee needs a friend right now. He's counting on me. I can push aside a few personal issues for someone I care about. That's what friends do. I'll answer it all tonight. I'm gonna start right now, as a matter of fact.
Later. And wish me luck tomorrow. I'll need it.