Date: Wed, 31 May 2000 14:41:48 EDT From: Josh Rysh Subject: Bleeding Hearts - Chapter 20 Well, here it is...sooner than i thought. When i started working on Bleeding Hearts this last time it was like seeing old friends after a long time. Must be a sure sign that i'm beginning to heal at last. I hope so anyway. I'm sorry you've had to wait so long and as you will see, the story isn't over yet. But we're getting much closer..maybe one more chapter, i'm not sure. After that i will get really serious about looking into publishing. If it does get published it will only be after extensive rewrites and the finished product will be a much expanded version of what is on here. Think of this as a rough draft. Well, let me know what you think of the first chapter of BH in 6 months. I don't know when 21 will be ready, but its well under way already, so hopefully it won't be another six months. :o) Write me at Rysh@hotmail.com http://www.familyshoebox.com/family/bleedinghearts Chapter 20 The phone suddenly became heavy and my arm slowly dropped down until I was holding the phone at my side. I could still hear Adam's voice squawking but I could no longer understand individual words. I couldn't seem to find words to say either. My mind had become a total blank. I heard Kane as if from a great distance asking me what was wrong. Then I felt him come up behind and me and gently take the phone from my hand. Then I heard him talking to Adam, asking him what was going on, asking when he'd be home. I heard the phone hang up and then Kane was standing in front of me. "Killian, snap out of it. I need your help," he said. I forced myself to focus on him. "Why are you acting like this?" he asked, "You weren't close to that guy were you? Wasn't he the jerk?" I shook my head to clear it. "We used to be friends. I've known him since we were little kids. We grew up together. Now he's gone. The killer got him too. And he's not going to stop till he gets me." I was getting more and more hysterical with every passing second. Kane grabbed my shoulders and shook me, "Killian, listen to me," he said urgently, "No one knows if Zack was murdered yet. All they know is that he was dead in the creek. Maybe he got drunk and fell in. Don't jump to conclusions yet. Dad said they are sending his body up to Baltimore for an autopsy; it's a rush too because of everything that's been going on. Besides, why would anyone want to kill Zack?" "I don't know. I just know that this is bad. Very bad. It's too much to be a coincidence." "Well, of course, it's bad. It's always bad when someone dies. But you need to calm down right now. Dad wants us to lock all the doors and windows. Help me do that." We went around the house locking and checking all the doors and windows on the first floor, then after some thought, the windows on the second floor as well. We'd watched too many movies though, and by the time we were finished we'd thoroughly spooked ourselves. Kane had brought a bat with him, which we retrieved from the closest, and I armed myself with a large kitchen knife. Then we barricaded ourselves into the living room to wait for Adam to get back. As we were sitting there, it suddenly occurred to me that we were acting like little kids. It was broad daylight and here we were hiding in our living room. The more I thought about it the more ridiculous it became until I was laughing out loud. "What's so funny?" Kane asked sounding a little insulted. "Just that, here we are, you're 14 and I'm 16, and we're acting like a couple of babies scared of our own shadow. It's broad daylight. I'm not going to live my life in fear. I had plans for today and I'm sticking to them." "But Adam wanted us to wait for him here," Kane protested. "I'll leave a note. Do you wanna come with me or do you wanna stay here?" "I'm not staying here alone!" "Ok, then lemme go shower and get dressed and we'll go see Asher and maybe go see Jake if we have time." I became sober again quickly, "He must be really shaken up. I mean having a dead body found in your backyard has got to be horrible. I wonder who found him?" "Dad didn't say," Kane said. I shrugged and sighed as I stood up. I returned the knife to the kitchen before heading up for my shower. Adam was home by the time I showered and dressed. He and Kane were talking quietly in the living room when I came downstairs. The bat was still resting across Kane's lap. They both looked up and fell silent as I came in "What?" I demanded. "What do you mean?" Adam asked innocently. "You stopped talking when I walked in the room. You must have been talking about me." Adam and Kane exchanged glances, then looked back at me. "Sit down, Killian," Adam said. This wasn't going to be good. I crossed the room and sat down on the couch next to Kane. "Does this have to do with Zack?" I asked. "Yes. I couldn't go into it over the phone, or rather I could but I didn't want to. I wanted to be here to tell you in person." "Why? Tell me what? What's going on?" "Killian, I told Kane that they were taking Zack to Baltimore for an autopsy, and they are, but what I didn't tell him is that they don't really need to determine the cause of death. They pretty much know that already." "What are you saying?" Adam swallowed and took a deep breath, "Killian, Zack was murdered just like Seth. His throat was cut. He was most likely dead before he was thrown into the creek." I sat stunned for several moments. "I don't understand," I said finally. "Well without the autopsy and all the forensic examinations, nothing is positive, but it's a little much. I mean no one likes coincidences and it's a little much to believe that we have two killers running around our little town. Zack's throat was cut...just like Seth's. The police don't understand what the connection could be yet. They are still looking into it. They do think that it was Zack that either broke your windows or left the note, or maybe both. The fabric fragment that the police found matched a tear in Zack's costume." "But that doesn't make sense. If Zack is the killer, who killed him? And if he isn't, why would he leave that note?" "Like I said, the police are working on that. Now that they are taking this case seriously, it's not up to us to figure it out anymore. As of right now I want you out of this, completely and totally. I want to know where you are at all times and I don't want you going anywhere alone. You are to come directly home after school and nowhere after dark until this killer is caught." "But I..." "But nothing, Killian. I want you out of this. And I mean out. I was crazy with grief when I agreed to let you get involved with this in the first place." "I'm already involved, Adam," I argued. "This is a cold blooded killer we're talking about. He's already killed two boys, one of whom was my own son. Killian, I have come to love you as if you were my own son. You and Kane are all I have left. I don't think I could bear to lose either of you at this point. I couldn't bear it, Killian. Do you understand what I am saying?" His voice was so thick he could barely even speak and tears had begun to roll down his cheeks. I sat stunned for a second as the impact of what Adam had just said sunk in. Then almost without thinking, I was off the couch, on my knees in front on Adam with my arms around his waist as I sobbed into his chest. I felt Adam gently wrap his arms around me and after a few beats, I felt Kane slide in next to me to complete the group hug. "We're a real family now, aren't we?" I heard Kane whisper. "Yes. Yes, we are." Adam answered. * * * After I got myself back together I called Jake to see how he was doing. Todd answered the phone and said that everyone was pretty shook up right then and that I should call back later. "Todd," I called as he went to hang up. "Yeah?" he said. "I didn't see you last night. Were you there?" He was quiet for a moment. "I was upstairs in my room. Costume parties aren't really my thing." And he hung up. I sat staring at the phone until the operator came on and told me that if I wanted to make a call, I needed to please hang up and try again. I hung up for a second then picked up again and called Asher. Asher wanted me to come right over, but Adam didn't want me to go anywhere and couldn't take me anyway, and since my car, while having been released from impound was now at the shop getting the glass replaced, was unavailable I couldn't go. We settled for talking on the phone for several hours. We talked about everything from the beginning till now, all the misunderstandings, the hurt feelings...and our true feelings for each other. As we talked things began to fall into place for me, like seeing a puzzle come together before your eyes. I knew now, that it was Asher who I truly loved. By the time we hung up, I had my first official boyfriend. * * * It was two days before I got my car back and several more before Adam would let me go anywhere except school. Meanwhile, Adam called the police twice a day to check on the case progress, which was minimal. All they would tell him was that they were pretty sure it was someone at the party (Well duh! I was pretty sure of that too. Give me a detective badge and get me on the force!) and that they were still examining evidence. They did give us one piece of information that lifted a huge burden from my shoulders. They told Adam that the medical examiner had placed the estimated time of death at or around 12 midnight. I felt guilty for even still having it in the back of my mind, but I had never been able to completely shake the idea that Asher had something to do with the murders. But when I found out about the time of death, I was finally able to put that nagging doubt to rest. I had been with Asher, Kane and Jake all night except for the brief time I was with Dash, and they were with each other that whole time. Suddenly, I couldn't wait any longer to see Asher. Of course, Adam didn't want me to go anywhere by myself, but it didn't take too much whining before he agreed to let me drive directly there as long as I called as soon as I got there. I was out the door before he could change his mind. Marcus answered the door. "Killian, hey! Come on in. Dude, did you hear about Zack? Well I mean sure you have, wasn't that awful? He died while we were at the party! I mean we were right there! It could have been any of us!" "Not really," I said without thinking. I picked up the phone and called Adam and assured him I was safe and sound at the Davis'. "What do you mean?" Marcus asked as soon as I hung up. "Well, just that...if the murderer killed Zack, he must have had a reason. I don't think it was just a random murder...any more than I think Seth was killed in a random mugging." "Whoa! Zack was murdered?! And you think it was connected to Seth's murder?" Oops. I had forgotten that the police hadn't yet released the information that Zack was murdered; just that he was found dead in the creek. I had already said way too much and didn't know what I should say now, so I settled with, "Yeah, I do...it just makes sense you know? I mean I don't know that he was killed, I just assumed..." Smooth, real smooth, Killian. "You know more than you are saying don't you?" "Hey, is Asher here?" I tried desperately to change the subject. "He's upstairs in his room. Have you talked to the police?" "Something like that," I called over my shoulder as I loped up the stairs. Marcus went as far as to follow me to the base of the stairs, and for a moment I thought he was going to follow me up, but then he just shrugged and wandered off. I breathed a sigh of relief and walked down the hall to Asher's door. I stood in front of it for a few seconds before taking a deep breath and knocking. I watched in amusement mixed with apprehension as Asher opened the door and his eyes widened in surprise. What if he wasn't happy to see me? I mean I hadn't called first or anything. "Hi," I said suddenly shy. This was the first time I had seen Asher since we'd become boyfriends and I was surprised at how nervous I was. I'd known Asher almost all my life, why should I be nervous? It wasn't long before my nerves were calmed though, as Asher broke into a huge smile and opened the door wider. "Hi, come on in," he said softly. I stepped into the room and he shut the door behind me. As he turned to face me, that strange phenomenon that always seems to happen to me at key moments in my life went into effect - time slowed to stop. Nothing else existed as I looked into his beautiful blue-gray eyes; it was just Asher and I. As one we stepped towards each other. It was as if we melted into one another as we embraced in a tender hug. Again moving as a single unit, we pulled back slightly only to move back in again - this time for the softest, most gentle love-filled kiss I had ever experienced. In that moment, in that utterly perfect moment that would be burned into my memory for the rest of my life, I knew I had made the right choice. I knew that I was meant to be with Asher, for now and forever. He completed me. As we stood there with our arms around each other and my head on his shoulder, moving to the silent sounds of music that can only be heard with the heart, the notes of a song I had heard that had been popular on the radio a while back began to float through my mind. Soon, the words followed and I began to softly sing the words. "Maybe it's intuition. But some things you just don't question, like in your eyes, I see my future in an instant. There you go. I think I found my best friend." I was very self-conscious about my voice. Not that I couldn't sing, I'd been told I had a very good voice. In fact, I had been in chorus all the way through middle school, often getting solos. But when all the other guys' voices had begun changing, mine hadn't. Now my high voice was perfectly suited to the Savage Garden song and I began to sing louder and with more confidence as I neared the chorus. I saw tears forming in Asher's eyes and I felt a similar response in my own. "I knew I loved you before I met you. I think I dreamed you into life. I knew I loved you before I met you. I have been waiting all my life. There's just no rhyme or reason, only a sense of completion, and in your eyes, I see the missing pieces, I'm searching for. I think I found my way home..." Before I could go into the chorus for the second time, Asher stopped me with another one of those tender kisses. This one quickly escalated to a deeper level of passion. Suddenly, Asher pulled back. His eyes locked on mine as if he were searching them for something. "Stay with me tonight," he said softly. I stood there for a long time. Too long I guess, because before I could say anything I saw the fear and uncertainty flicker through his eyes. "Killian?" he asked with fear in his voice. "Asher, I want to. I want to so bad." "Then what's stopping you?" he said, pulling me closer and running his hands up my back under my shirt. "I can't," I felt his hands freeze on my back and I rushed on, "Asher, I want to do this right. More than anything I want this to work. I don't want to miss anything along the way; I don't want to skip any steps. I don't want to do anything that would ruin what we have." His arms dropped from around me and he took a few steps back, away from me. Pain was written all over his face and I knew that I had goofed once again. Why couldn't I ever get anything right? "So...let me see if I've got this right," Asher said slowly, on the verge of tears, "you are saying that sleeping with me would ruin our relationship?" "Asher, that's not what I meant...well actually in a way it is, but not in the way you mean." "Please explain it to me then," he pleaded in a desperate voice. "I used to think that love was this unstoppable force and that it just picked you up and took you along with it, like a fast moving river or a tidal wave...but now I know that what I thought was love was just lust. Real love develops over time, more like a tiny trickle of water from a spring carves a canyon over time. Adam has helped me to see how important sex is; it's a beautiful and powerful thing, and Asher, I do want to share that with you. But I want it to be right. I want it to be perfect. I don't want to rush into something this important, something that has such a huge potential to change everything." I closed the distance between us again. "Asher, I realized something when we talked on the phone the other night and it was confirmed so strongly just now when I was in your arms...I love you. I love you, Asher!" Tears spilled over and ran down his cheeks but he just ignored them. He reached out a trembling hand and touched me softly on the cheek, just for a second and then it was gone, leaving me wondering if it had even happened. "Killian, I've loved you for years. I was so jealous when I saw you with Seth. I wanted so bad to tell you how I felt, but I was scared. And then when you got hurt and I thought I might lose you...I was terrified. When I finally told you I thought everything would be perfect, but nothing went right. I was still scared at first and then there was Gilly. When you said that she was just a cover I thought that maybe I still had a chance but then I heard you talking to Jake and it was like I had lost you again. And now after all that...here you are, standing here telling me you love me. I want so much to believe that - to believe that you do love me - but I'm scared of losing you again. Maybe tomorrow it'll be someone else, maybe Jake again or that guy Dash or someone new. Maybe I'm not enough for you. Killian, I love you with all my heart. When I'm with you, it's the happiest I ever feel, and when I'm not with you it's like a part of me is missing. You're all I ever think about. But as much as I love you I don't think I could take getting dumped on again. Why am I never enough for you?" I reached out and gently wiped the tears from his soft cheeks. "Because I was stupid and confused; I didn't see what was right in front of my eyes. I won't be gone tomorrow or the day after that the day after that or ever again. There won't be anyone else. What I'm trying to say is...you are enough. You are all I want - now and forever. You complete me." Asher let out a muffled sob as he collapsed into my arms. I felt my knees buckle as well; I felt physically drained, as if I'd run a marathon. I steered us over to his bed and lowered us onto it. We wrapped ourselves around each other and I held him until he fell asleep. Once I was sure he was in a deep enough sleep, I slipped out from under him and with a soft kiss on the lips, I left him for the night. I had a lot on my mind on the drive home. * * * For Asher and I, the next month passed by in a haze that only those who have experienced those first few intoxicating weeks of a new love could understand. Nothing else seemed to matter or if it did, only in the abstract, as if everything was far removed from us. Oh, I kept up with the developments on Seth and Zack's murders but that was about it. And even though the police were now taking both killings very seriously, those developments seemed to be few and far between. They insisted that they were still examining the evidence and that they were confident that they would find the killer. Jake hadn't talked to me much since I'd told him about Asher and I. After a lot of talking and consideration, Asher and I decided to come out at school. We didn't make a big production or really change how we acted, but we told our close friends and let the word spread from there. For the most part, no one really seemed to care. In fact, several people who I would have never expected had gone out of their way to let us know that they supported us. Gilly was still pretending I didn't exist, but two of her closest friends made a point of showing that they were behind me and Asher 100%. Not that everything was a fairy tale (no pun intended). There were still a few jerks that would make crude comments under their breath every time one of us walked by, and more than a few incidents of name calling, but as Adam said, what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. And as time went on and it became obvious that our supporters outnumbered our detractors, those incidents became more and more rare. All in all, I felt worse for Jesse than for Asher and I. I had seen him a few times wondering through the halls looking as if he was lost. I felt myself actually feeling sorry for him. I know Zack was the real brains behind their dynamic duo - what little brains there were - and I was sure that Jesse must have really been missing him. I didn't let myself dwell on it too much though, after all, he had made my life a living hell and beat the crap out of Asher. And besides, I had more important things to worry about...like how much I loved Asher...and seeing my mom again. Thanksgiving was only a week away and I was beginning to get very excited. Mom was planning on coming down for a big Thanksgiving feast that Adam and Steve had been planning for weeks already. Besides those of us who lived here and Mom, we were also expecting a few other couples who didn't have families or whose families were either too far away or not exactly welcoming. It was the Saturday before Thanksgiving and after much begging and nagging, Adam had finally agreed to let Asher and I drive to Rehoboth Beach and do a little early Christmas shopping at the outlets. The outlets there have all the best stores; Gap, Old Navy, Pacific Sunwear and hundreds more. The only stipulation he gave us was that we had to be home before dark. We had a great day of goofing off and we even did a little shopping. We would have got home in plenty of time too, if Asher had suddenly had one of his brainstorm ideas. "Hey, let's go home the back way!" he suggested out of the blue. "I don't know the way," I argued. "I do, and besides, it'll give us more time to spend together. We've got plenty of time." So of course I agreed. Two hours later, we were hopelessly lost, I was tired and cranky, my car was riding dangerously close to empty and the sun was riding dangerously close to the horizon. My teeth were gritted so hard my jaw was beginning to ache and it had been a while since Asher had tried to say anything. Suddenly I started to recognize our surroundings. "I think this is near where Jake and Gilly live. I'm going to try to find their house and call Adam from there." "I dunno, Kill," Asher said uneasily, "You and I aren't exactly their favorite people right now. It may not be such a good idea to just show up on their doorstep." "We don't really have much choice. I'm not sure I can make it to the gas station and its almost dark. If we run out of gas somewhere I want Adam to know where we are and if I don't call him and it gets dark before we get home we won't be allowed to go anywhere alone again until we're 18." "I'm sorry," he said weakly. "Let's go the back way," I snapped in agitation. "Geez," Asher pouted, "I said I was sorry. I thought I knew the way. You don't have to get nasty. You could have said no, you know." I pulled into the Sheridan's driveway with my jaw set again. I threw the car into park and jumped out slamming the door behind me. Asher stayed in the car, staring straight ahead with his arms crossed over his chest. I stalked up to the door and knocked. Of course, Todd answered. "I thought we'd gotten rid of you, fag," he snarled when he saw who it was. I tried not to, but I couldn't help but flinch. "Nice to see you again too, Todd." I quipped, hoping to seem as if he hadn't got to me. " Look, I'm sorry to bother you but can I please use your phone." I hated to have to ask him anything, and I almost just went back to the car, but I could feel Asher watching me and I was damned if I was going to go running back like a puppy with his tail between his legs. "You want to use our phone?" he said incredulously. "I'm almost out of gas and I need to call Adam." "Who is it, Todd?" Mrs. Sheridan called from down the hall. "It's Killian," Todd said as if he was telling here there was a dead rat on the front step. "Well for goodness sake," she said as she came into view, "Come on in, Killian. It's good to see you." "It's good to see you too, Mrs. Sheridan," I said truthfully. "I need to use your phone for a minute if that's ok." "Of course, it's ok. Come on, I'll show you where it is." I edged past Todd, who still stood in the center of the doorway as if he didn't want to let me in, and followed Mrs. Sheridan down the hall to the kitchen. Out of the corner of my eye I thought I caught a glimpse of movement at the top of the stairs, but when I looked again there was nothing there. I wondered if it had been my imagination or if Gilly or Jake had been there a second ago. In the kitchen, Jamie was perched on a stool stirring something in a big pot on the stove. "Hi, Killian," he chirped. "Are you staying for dinner again? I'm making pasghetti sauce." "Yes, Killian, why don't you?" Mrs. Sheridan added. Obviously she was either blind as to how her three oldest children felt about me or she just didn't care. "Thank you for the invitation, but I have a friend in the car and I really need to get home. Actually, that's why I'm calling Adam now." "Well, the offer stands anytime," she said, and then turned to the counter where she was chopping vegetables for a salad. I made a quick call to Adam, which he was very appreciative of, thanked Mrs. Sheridan and again and beat a hasty retreat - or tried to at any rate. I almost made it out the door when Gilly called my name. I turned around to see her coming down the stairs looking for all the world like a modern day Scarlette O'Hara from Gone With The Wind. I almost expected her to swoon and say, "Whatever shall I do? Wherever shall I go?" Instead she had me caught in a glare that would have left me dead on the spot if looks could kill. "This may be the last time I ever have the chance to say this while we're alone and I'm not going to miss it," she hissed venomously. "I just want to say that you are the lowest scum I have ever met. I can't believe I ever had a crush on you. You are such a sleaze. You not only cheated on me - with my own brother - but then you turned around and dumped him. God, I hate you. I wish I had told everyone at that damn party just what an asshole you are. You are so lucky that Jake stopped me. Although now I bet he wishes he hadn't." "Gilly," I said as soon as she took a breath, "there is so much wrong with that bunch of shit that I don't even know where to start. So I'm not even going to try. Good-bye, Gilly. I'm sorry you got hurt, but we both knew there was nothing between us from the beginning." "What about me?" Jake asked from the top of the staircase. "Are you sorry I got hurt? Was there ever anything between us?" I looked up at him and I could see the raw pain in his eyes. "Yes," I said much more gently than I had been speaking to Gilly. "Yes, I am very sorry you got hurt and yes there was something between us. It just didn't work out. I hope we can be friends again someday." "Oh please. Give it up, Killian," Todd snarled as he came up behind Gilly. "Your goody-two-shoes act is getting really stale around here. We've seen what you are really like. Now get out and don't come back again. You aren't welcome here anymore. I don't care if your damn car is on fire." I looked up at Jake one last time before I turned to let myself out, but he was gone. The image of his tear-stained face followed me all the way to the car. I slumped into the drivers seat and rested my head on the steering wheel. "Didn't go well?" Asher asked. "Don't start," I said warningly. "I'm not trying to. Really. I'm sorry, Killian." I sighed. "I'm sorry too. And no, it didn't go well. At all. To say the least." "What happened?" "Let's just say that I had to go through hostile confrontations with almost every member of the family except Jamie." "I'm sorry, baby," Asher reached over and took my hand. "Yeah, me too," I said with a squeeze back. I sat up, started the car and drove away without looking back.