The Boy In The Mirror-Installment 3
5D Space--It's all in Perception, BABE
Diary: Dima, November 16th
"...Adriano; he used to always tell me... that life was attainable on any level. If I wanted something, needed to be somewhere, to be someone... it was all possible. I asked him how. He said... 'change my dimension'. I walked away expecting another stupid story... but he went on.
"If you can't achieve a goal you are passionate toward... what do you do? Give Up? Nope... most people try an alternative angle to try and reach that goal. Yes, they change their view, outlook, dimension, perception. Whatever you wanna to call it. And they try from THAT view and THAT new set of ideals and thoughts. And they continue this process until they find a way of doing whatever they're doing, which gets them to their goal. Easy shit, hmm? Living in a world far beyond the one we see when we open our eyes is up to each one of us. We were born with a certain view of the world, a common way of how we see it. Varies from person to person slightly; on average. We know that shit 'n all dude... but we only see what we are allowed to. We only know what we are limited to. Its all in perception, babe..."
When he put it like that, it did make sense. And maybe it is my perception which has kept me here. Grasping onto all the common things in my life, which tend to me the negative factors which I have surrounded myself in. Maybe if I changed the way I looked at things, then things will change. Its worth a shot I guess. But this may have to be induced my a positive mood to get things going. Walking up and masking everything negative with phony positive thoughts only masks my problems, doesn't solve them. but then again... Do I have problems even? How much of what I have been supposedly allowing to consume and control my life... is real? Couldn't a lot of it just be a bunch of bullshit fake obstacles I put up to keep myself safe on some level? Am I really this shy? Am I really this socially fucked? Who really knows... being emotionally unstable... that's a problem... But I'm so scared, and so alone. Making friends seems impossible here. But its that kind of thinking that will keep me erratic. What to do, oh cruel world... what to do...."
The day was getting stranger by the minute. Every pulse, ever second, every minute things were... what was this the twilight zone? Now where was I...
OMG!!!!! So here I am... in my fucking towel... the entire time... mystery boy showed up at my door... made himself comfy in my room... and I was so caught up in the anxiety and excitement of 'social contact' and someone paying attention to me... I was walking around in my TOWEL? Only my towel? I turned about 24 shades of red... I felt a surge of fear overcome me as I realized how practically nude I was, standing in front of this 'oh so dreamy' demi-god. I gripped myself with my arms and... well... I couldn't look back at him. I felt so embarrassed and paralyzed with fear of being in such a position. But I looked up at him, or at least tried to... really slowly... and looked at his eyes, and squeaked out "Uho" faintly, with a bit of a sheepish smile. I got scared again and made a dash for cover... the bathroom!
"Dima! S'okay dude! Get back here!" he called after me, giggling at my antic disposition.
I couldn't look back, I was practically naked and embarrassed as hell! I manage to fuck up EVERYTHING don't I. So here I am, leaning over slightly behind the now closed bathroom door. To what end?!?! What the hell was in here for me? MORE towels? Oh great! Toss me a fucking needle and I'll MAKE some clothes! Now I really was trapped. What was I gonna do? Walk back out there for him to laugh at me some more? Man I really know how to put on a show. I didn't wanna look like dumbass to the only kid who bothered to take notice of me. Especially not him! Man I'd DIE if he tossed me aside I'd... -how the hell did he know I wanted milk?!?!!? Questions all these questions!!! I started breathing faster... and I heard him get up and slowly walk toward the door... and he tapped on it slightly.
"You're priceless man! You don't have clothes in there do you. S'okay... here I tell ya what. You tell me which drawers your clothes are in and I'll get ye some if you're too embarrassed to show yourself to me again. Or, I'll clothes my eyes and you can get them yourself. I know privacy sucks in these rooms, practically no walls! Its okay Dima, I'm not like gonna make fun of you! Lighten up!" He said, sill giggling.
At least he seemed to give a shit. It was strange... he was actually comforting. Slowly I turned around after a brief pause... and I heard him walk away from the door. I turned the knob slowly... and opened it. I looked out cautiously to see him standing a few feet away.. his eyes totally closed, smiling intently for some reason. I didn't waste any time. I, practically bouncing on my toes, made my way over to my dresser, passing by the shattered mirror. I saw him through the altered image and one eye was open. Why the hell was he looking at me! He said he wouldn't. I HATED being watched! he musta realized I saw him cuz he closed his eyes really quickly. I got to my dresser and rummaged round. I pulled out my cobalt blue sweater and tossed it on, and attached on my silver chain. I looked on for a pair of baggy jeans and boxers... I wanted to take my towel off but I was afraid he'd see me. But then again, sliding my boxers up under my towel would be kinda tough and... wet! So I took the chance... I threw off the towel, grabbed my Tommy boxers and tried to put them on at lightning speed... only to get off balance and fall flat on my bed... butt in the air. I let out a yelp and that must have caused him to open his eyes... cuz as soon as I did, he burst out into a fit of laughter. Oh god I wanted to die.
"Awww! He can't even dress himself now! Mm whoa, nice butt buddy, I mean... this just gets better!" He just kept laughing... and I just kept feeling myself sinking lower and lower. He was laughing so hard his eyes we closed again so I got up, got y boxers on, and tucked in my dick in place. I quickly grabbed my pants and out them on, and grabbed a nearby belt. I straightened myself up. This was NOT a way to start my day. "I'm uuh, done... now." I said.
He sighed again and sized me up. Gave me two thumbs up and a big wide smile. This guy was freakishly outgoing. To be honest I didn't understand it at all. He should have been gone long ago, he had enough shit on me to last him a while. He saw my bare butt too! NO ONE as seen that! Why him why him! He said it was nice though... but still any other guy would have been gone the second I screwed up and tossed me off as a loser, no? Come to think of it... why was he here? I got a bit defensive.
"So, umm, what do you want..." I said, sheepishly but coldly as well. I was still embarrassed and trying to hide it.
"Well, umm, Dima. I was hoping you know... me and you could like, have breakfast. I take it you didn't eat yet, right?" he said, smiling still. That's it. No one suddenly after three weeks just, walks up to my door and starts asking me to have breakfast. Could he be playing me? Could there actually be school? The phone call was just faked? This was set or something. This was totally fucked up.
"Listen... I dunno what you think you're doing but I have enough shit to deal with. If this is some kinda fucked up game you guys are playing, just... leave me alone okay? No one's even fucking looked at me, or talked to me since I got here. THREE WEEKS AGO. Why would you suddenly care now. So what's the deal hmm? Why me." I was so shaken up, I think I might have had a few tears in my eyes too... or it felt like it. My eyes were closed but I'm almost never that direct. And never that cold. I had to let it out, I had to expose myself. I had to humanize myself... just in case. but when I opened my eyes, he was less than foot in front of me. He looked sad for once... concerned. I think I actually hurt him. Once again, I ruined something. I mean... it was too good to be true right? And maybe for once, reality was tossing me something that was so good and true? A second chance? I looked down, and felt the presence of his finger slowly coming toward my face. His soft finger slid up my cheek, wiping away my tear under my left eye. Touch was electric, my cheek tingled. The more pressure he applied as he moved his finer, the more intense the feeling was... and it penetrated deep into me. His touch was like... a religious experience to me. It was odd. Jeremy was probably one of the most adorable, desirable looking boys I'd ever seen. For some reason he was here and was acting as a friend. It seemed so strange, but for the first time, I felt safe. One of THEM actually cared about one of me. His touch let me know that somehow. It let me know a lot of things that I just cannot explain. I smiled and looked up... and mouthed 'thank you'.
He sorta smirked back, looking deeply into my eyes. He seemed to care. I felt connected to him. I had a feeling I had just made my first real friend here. And it was brilliant. And at the same moment... he nodded at me. He reached over to the table and grabbed the box of Cap'n Crunch, and took out one of the yellow thingies. He brought it up to my face and put it on my lip, I parted them a bit and for some reason instinctively closed me eyes... I didn't even think about WHY he was doing this. He pushed it in through my lips and I let it sit on my tongue dissolving. It was sweet, it tasted sweeter than any other one I'd ever had. It was... special. The moment was so... strange. In less than 20 minutes I had made my first friend, embarrassed myself beyond all imaginable limitations, and was now experience the most sensual moment of my entire existence thus far. I must have been enjoying it too much, reading too deep into things. Maybe he was just being playful.
"Well I'm glad to see you're enjoying yourself!" He proclaimed. "Anyways we gonna eat or what? I'm starving!"
With that he opened the cupboard and grabbed two bowls. I picked them myself cuz they looked kickass. They're made of class, and they're dark blue. I just thought they looked really cool. He filled both bowls and tossed in some milk and brought me a bowl with a spoon. I smiled shyly and said thanks. We started talking. Since my lil outburst of frustration I had gone back into my shell and I think he was trying to help me out or something. He kept asking me all these questions, finding out what I liked and stuff. He went on about himself and the school and his family and friends and stuff. It was so cool to hear actually... It was captivating. Turns out, he was also an athlete. A sprint kayaker actually. He told me not to laugh, cuz he'd force me to try it otherwise. At that point, I kinda would try anything. He had me. He was wicked. I felt kinda a lesser because I wasn't able to open up to him equally as much. But I knew he was gonna be an awesome friend. He was understanding and he actually cared about me. We finished off our bowls and tossed them in the sink. I walked over to the window and looked out. He came over behind me and put his arm around me. After about a minute he spoke up.
"Dima, I'll be honest with you. I know this has got to be totally strange. I mean. I know things that you thought no one else would, I've acted on your weaknesses, been unnaturally friendly, and well... I must seem totally weird. But I know you obviously aren't too worried about it. At least not anymore. I want to make something out of you and I. This school can be cold and painful unless someone reaches out to you. Usually we allow the newbies to try and make an entrance to our groups themselves before we try and help the ones who are too shy to do anything. Most kids here don't like newbies anyway. A lot of the people here can be really materialistic. Its a class system here sadly, with your prep dynasty and all that crap. Its lame I know. But as long as you remember that its all a bunch of shallow bullshit, you can literally control a lot of people for the better. Anyways, I've watched you now and then since you came into the school. I feel bad for not coming to you sooner but, I couldn't... its hard to explain. Anyways... umm... I'll explain everything to you I swear. Just trust me when I say I know you okay? I can see who you are. And I'm reaching out to help you, okay? I don' think you should be alone in this. I think you've got some talents deep within you that just might make you big in this school. But you have to trust my sincerity okay? I'm here because I want to be your friend. You are special. but the choice is yours."
I looked up into his eyes and they were searching me for an answer. What was I supposed to say. It was out of nowhere... and I had almost no idea what he was talking about. All I knew is that this boy, this beautiful, sexy, sweet and caring boy wanted to be my friend. And he meant it. I smiled, and I took his hand in mine. Such strange a day is this.
Jeremy and I spent the day together. We ended up taking a bus downtown to the mall. I was sure he was gonna bring some friends along too, but I got this feeling he thought I might not be ready for that yet. But he was going to get me with his friends, he was going to make me a part of something. For once in about three years, I felt totally good again. He actually eventually got me to start talking freely with him. Without superegos flying editing everything I thought. It was amazing. I actually trusted him. And I felt I might just be able to be myself with him too. I could laugh, be dramatic be sarcastic, crack jokes... and he loved it. I loved it. And it wasn't a dream... it wasn't. It was totally real... I had a real friend now in this new place. And I felt he was going to stay. Now all I have to do is find a cool place to eat din din at with him!
Retrospect: Dima, months earlier
Midnight... he's writing. Blue smudged stains on five different pages. It's raining outside --hard. But the noise of the tormenting storm was silenced eerily within the walls of his room... it was comforting. The air is cold. But he doesn't notice such small details... he's numb. Any emotion and feeling is focused in his deep crystal blue eyes. And still... he writes... and then, as if musically, he violently snaps...
He rises so quickly, and without warning... and in a blink of an eye... throws the paper weight his little sister gave him for his birthday into his mirror on the opposite side of the room. It shatters... and in his other fist... he sends all five pages of his emotional quest into the flames of his fireplace... which eagerly accepts his work. But they hunger for it for an entirely different reason. A physical need...
The full-length mirror shattered, the paperweight decorated with the unique skill of a seven year old lay in pieces three feet in front of it. He is damn lucky his family is gone for the weekend. He couldn't take society now...