I was walking past Mr. Dunn's room on my way to class, and he came outside to get my attention. "Kevin...hold on for a second."
I have to admit my recent humiliation was still burning deep in my chest, hollowing me out like a quick working team of emotional termites. But with all of the bullshit teachers that you have to deal with in the first 18 years of your life...when you finally get one or two that your actually 'like' and have respect for...it's kinda hard to walk away from them when they call. "Yeah?" I said, keeping my gaze down at my shoes.
He stopped for a moment. "You alright?"
"I'm fine." I said. "I've got to get to class, so..."
"I know, I know...just..." He stopped again. "Kevin? If you have some time, I want you to come by my classroom after school. Ok? Just for a few minutes. I want to talk to you."
"Whatever." I said, and looked up at his eyes briefly, as I began to walk away from him.
"Is that a yes?" He asked.
"Honestly? I don't know yet." I told him truthfully. "Sorry, Mr. Dunn...I've just got..."
"...'Issues'. Yes, I know." He said. "But if you get the opportunity, come talk to me. Ok? It's important."
I didn't want to tell him I'd be there if I wasn't going to be there. I didn't want to make any promises, knowing that the rejection of my very last subject could be the one to truly break me down. The LAST thing I wanted to do was go to Mr. Dunn with even more tears in my eyes, whining about...my insignificant problems. AGAIN. So I gave him a noncommittal nod instead, and left him standing there with a concerned look in his eyes.
I made sure to hand my interview tape with Jeff to Carter at his locker. It's a good thing that I recorded it, because I can't honestly tell you ONE thing he said to me yesterday. I don't know why half naked cute boys even bother to talk at all. It's not like I could 'absorb' anything with all that visual candy wiggling right in front of me.
Carter took it, and then 'backed away' from me again without saying much. This time, I think it hurt even more than last time. Simply because I was starting to think that he wouldn't forget. What if I fucked things up? What if Carter stops talking to me? Without him, the whole school paper is gonna go to shit. And something about that really REALLY hurt! I think..I think it hurt a lot more than I expected it to.
Funny thing is...I don't think it was the paper that I was gonna miss.
I skipped my lunch period today in order to rendezvous with target number five...my last hope at redemption. I was literally walking around with all of my eggs in one basket now, and I HAD to be careful. One stumble, and the whole thing goes up in smoke.
Originally, I had Daniel pegged as my number two target, for the simple fact that he was so 'soft' in his character. Don't get me wrong, he wasn't really effeminate or anything...at least not in a gay way. He was just...soft. Soft skin, soft gestures, soft spoken, soft hazel eyes, soft personality...he was like a really slim teddy bear.
Daniel wandered that really fine line between 'indie rock' boy, 'emo' boy, and 'goth' boy. He seemed to balance himself, quite effortlessly, at the nucleus between all three. And there was something so vulnerable about him that you couldn't help but to fall in love with him the second you took a good look at him. He had this sun touched brown hair that not only hung down to his neck on the back, but always managed to cover his eyes in the front too. How he could walk around school and SEE through that veil of silky brown hair, I'll never know. But it gave him this gentle mystery that was even more alluring to me. And his hair would stop right above those full lush lips of his. Kissably pink, slightly pouty...they were amazing. You could stare at them for hours if given the opportunity. His clothes were always black, red, or some other obscuring color that seemed to hide his body from you at every turn. But you could tell that it was just as soft and 'smooshy' and flexible as the rest of him. One day he wore this really tight white t-shirt, which I remember because it was a rarity, and the way it was clinging to his tight slinky frame was like...the most erotic thing I had ever seen in my life. Well...next to Jeff Patton undressing in front of me. But...you know, with a happier ending.
I had to go outside to find him. He was hanging out across the street from the school, in a small area under a tree where other students went to smoke. Now, normally, I'm not into smokers myself, but something about the way Daniel did it was cute. Just seeing those rosy lips wrapped around ANYTHING was a dream come true for me. So I held my breath a bit, and waded through the other smokers to sit down next to him under a nearby tree. I couldn't tell where my confidence was at that moment. Was I anxious to find out whether or not he'd be interested, or was I scared shitless that he was gonna outright reject me like everybody else? I couldn't tell. All I know is that I had this really jittery feeling in the center of my chest, and it wouldn't go away.
Daniel had his Ipod earphone in, and took them out as I sat down. "Hey, whassup, Kev?" He said quietly. There was something so delicate about his voice that made you squirm inside, you know? You could make out every word, but it was like a gentle breeze blowing in your ear. If he's the one, I can imagine many long hours of cuddling up to that sweet tender body of his for hours on end. I'd never let him go. He'd have to literally fight me off with a stick.
"Hey, Daniel...." I said, afraid to continue with much more. I don't think I was ready for him to say no. I don't even know if I was ready for him to say yes yet.
"Say, man, you got a light on you?" He asked. "I'm out of spark, dude."
"Oh...um...no. Sorry. I don't smoke."
"Ah, that sucks." He said calmly, and looked around for somebody else who had a lighter on them. "Hold on a sec, I'll be right back." He said, and I watched him pull his slender legs up underneath him as he got up to go borrow a light. I watched him for a moment, and sighed as I looked at his sleek profile, wishing I could move up and hug him around the middle...and bury my face in his neck. This had better work. He'd better be gay. Oh please, oh please, oh PLEASE, let him be gay!
He came back to sit down beside me, and I did what I could to strike up a small conversation. I didn't know how to really approach him, as our relationship was pretty much stuck at a level of 'recognizable acquaintance' But Daniel was mellow and easy going enough to talk about pretty much anything. And that helped a lot. I studied him and his reactions to little hints here and there, but I was too scared to really say anything too obvious. After Mickey's big mouth in the hallway today, I had lost a bit of my nerve. But, luckily, none of my determination. So I kept his attention as best as I could while he leaned back and chatted it up with me for a while. And that's when I found my opening.
"...Yeah, so I don't really make plans or anything, but Scott wants me to check out this party, so I figured I might go. It's no big deal though." He said, still puffing away. Wow...watching him suck the smoke out of a cigarette was like magic.
There's my window. Engage. "So you're gonna go out this weekend? That's..you know, cool."
"Yeah, well...what else have I got to do, you know? My dad's been bugging me to help him clean the gutters on the roof. Dude...I am SO not into that." He said, and I grinned a bit.
"So...are you just going with Scott, or...?" Go ahead, say it. "I mean, are you gonna take your 'girlfriend' or something?" Don't fuck this up for me, Daniel. Please?
"Girlfriend?" He asked with a smirk. "I don't have a girlfriend, dude."
Ok.....wow...um...OK! So this is GOOD! This is really GOOD! "Are you sure? I thought...you know, you'd have girls flocking around you at all times"
"I do, but trust me, I can do without them. Believe me." He said, raising my heart rate to a level that I could hear racing through my ears
"So...never? I mean, no girlfriends for Daniel?" I asked, hopeful.
"HECK no! At least not in the foreseeable future, man. Not my thing at ALL. Believe me." He smiled.
OMIGOD! I FOUND one!!! He's the one! He's like ME! And to think...I almost chickened out! "Cool." I giggled nervously, a blush rushing up into my cheeks. "Me either."
"Good deal." He smiled.
I hesitated for a moment, but this was something that I definitely wanted to pursue quickly. I just needed to talk to him somewhere a bit more private. "Daniel...do you wanna, maybe...come over or something tomorrow? I mean, just you and me. We could hang out for a while?"
Daniel turned to me, his hazel eyes shining brightly through his soft veil of brown hair, and he said, "Yeah, man. Sounds killer. We could catch up on some stuff."
"Yeah..." I said dreamily. "We could finally...you know...get to know each other better. Maybe talk about...stuff."
"Alright. I'm totally there." He said, and my heart filled to the bursting point as I imagined myself kissing and sucking on the most delicious pair of lips in the whole 10th grade!
And then...somebody else came along and did it for real.
This...girl leaned over Daniel from behind the tree, and gave him a warm greeting as she gave him a warm and loving kiss on the mouth. It was like suddenly being swatted in the face with a fucking tree branch! I mean, what the hell was going on? "Hey baby, you got a cigarette for me?" She asked.
"All you ever need, as long as you kiss me for each one." He replied. And I just sorta sat there with my mouth open, hoping that the pieces of my broken heart didn't accidentally slip out of it.
He handed her a cigarette, and she kissed those beautifully cushioned lips AGAIN before walking over to be with her friends. I felt so.....betrayed! I really DID! What the fuck? "I thought you just said you didn't HAVE a girlfriend?" I said, unable to hide my insult.
"Yo, shhhh...chill out with that shit, man." He said with a smile. "Rosalyn's not my girlfriend. I'm just banging her. Don't go putting all that commitment and attachment shit in her head. It's more fun just getting blown every now and then." He did NOT just say that to me! Then he puts his fist up to pound with me. "We don't love them, ho's, right dude?"
I gave him a very weak pound, feeling my heart collapsing from the inside "Ho's...right." That was it. My last chance. My only hope for something real. "I've gotta go." I said standing up and brushing myself off.
"So...hey, we still on for tomorrow?"
"Whatever." I didn't even turn around to look at him when I said. I just..left. What's the point of appreciating someone's beauty when it's so obviously out of your reach?
Final Analysis: Sighhhh..Just Forget It.
I opened my notebook, looking a the big scratch outs over the names that came before Daniel's...and as I put my pen down at one end of his name...I hesitated. Because I knew that scratching out this one last name would mean total defeat. It would mean a level of isolation that I wasn't really ready to deal with. And yet, if the school paper taught me anything...it's that the truth is absolute. And trying to mask it doesn't do anything to make it less true. So...with a deep breath, I dragged the tip of my pen back and forth over Daniel's name, and looked at all of my targets in unison. Marc McCaffrey, Ralphie Escott, Jeff Patton, Mickey Slade, Daniel Harries...all failures. Every last one of them.
Which leaves me to come to only one conclusion.
It was like having no soul at all. What motivation is there to even wake up in the morning without the thrilling possibility of love and companionship to look forward to? I have two things in my life that really drive me...the school newspaper, and finding some other cute boy to love and have sex with. And since both of those things are rapidly falling apart before my very eyes...there really isn't a whole lot left to fight for.
I have no idea how I made it through the rest of my school day. I couldn't go past the main hall for fear of running into Mickey again. I couldn't get anything for lunch because I was afraid of running into Ralphie. I was scared to go to gym too early because I was scared to cross paths with Jeff. I had literally painted myself into a corner here, and I wasn't sure how I was going to find a way out. I wasn't even sure if there was a way out. I'm just...behind enemy lines, with no hope of finding a single 'teammate' to help me out. Not one. I could feel the same thoughts repeating in my mind, over and over again. I could feel the emotions spinning themselves into an endless swirl, as my heart got heavy, and my eyes began to wrinkle up as I fought back the tears that were coming so freely. I had to just close my eyes for a moment, and lean back against the lockers, as I attempted to swallow it all down. I didn't want to do this here. I'd rather cry it out at home. Please just let me make it home.
Hearing that final bell was the most relieving sound of the day. I doubt I absorbed anything 'academic' the entire day. So my entire purpose for even being IN school was merely for show. I left my last class, and got my stuff out of my locker. I was almost home free. I can go home...'deal' with this acid eating away at the center of my heart...and hopefully, I can come back with a much better plan than the one I had before. I've waited this long...what's another couple of months, right?
My heart was telling me to go straight home, and not so much as lift my head on the way out the front door...but I didn't. If nothing else, I had an obligation to at least humor Mr. Dunn by showing up for a few minutes and hear what he had to say. Although I doubted that I had much of a mind for the 'school paper' business right now.
I walked to the door of the classroom, and quietly knocked on the frame to get his attention. "You wanted to see me?" I said, hoping to get this over with.
"Kevin...come in. Close the door." He said, and he moved around to lean against the front of his desk as I plopped down in front of him. It was hard to lift my gaze up from the floor. It had gotten so heavy since my final rejection. And when Mr. Dunn didn't say anything for the first few seconds, I thought my hurtful thoughts would swirl up and swallow me whole. "You know...I thought about what you said yesterday. About nobody caring?"
I glanced up, and he had his arms folded, that concerned look in his eyes, and I felt bad for even bringing it up. "I'm sorry about yesterday, Mr. Dunn. It was just...stupid and pointless, and I shouldn't have mentioned it."
"You know...if it bothers you, it's hardly 'stupid and pointless', Kevin. It matters. Everything matters."
"I wish it mattered enough to make things...better." I told him.
Mr. Dunn stood up, and turned another chair backwards to sit in front of me and talk to me eye to eye. "I've had you in two or three of my classes in the last year and a half, and no matter what you're doing...you just seem to attack it with so much passion. A lot of teachers can go through their whole careers, and have maybe three good students with the kind of passion you have. It's a dream for me to see someone with your determination." Then he put a hand on my shoulder to get me to look up from the floor. "But you can't 'force' things to happen by sheer will alone, Kevin. You just have to open your eyes, and your mind, and look through the passion to see what's really there."
I wasn't sure what he meant, but nodded anyway. This whole conversation was already causing those bad emotions to bubble to the surface, and I just wanted to make him think that I was 'all better' so I could go home. "I just wanted...." I stopped myself, feeling choked up in the back of my throat, and shrugged my shoulders to let the comment to stand on its own.
"Well, I can't deny...you made a very good point yesterday. You were right. There are a lot of people who see others in misery...and, for whatever reason, don't say anything. I guess I'm just as guilty as anybody else."
I gave him a strange look. "No, Mr. Dunn..I don't blame YOU for what happened with the paper. That was TOTALLY not what I meant, ok?"
"Kevin..." He said with a pause. "...I'm not talking about the paper." And then he turned his hand over, palm facing up...and I saw a small, darkly drawn, letter 'C' on the inside of his wrist! I don't think it registered at first. I kind of examined it for a second, my brain attempting to process what was happening here. And little by little, as layer after layer of doubt was stripped away...something clicked, and my eyes popped WIDE open! "You're not as 'alone' as you think."
"OMIGOD!!! MR. DUNN...YOU READ THE SITE?!?!?!" I shouted, jumping up from my seat! I think it startled the hell out of him, because he jumped too, and to grab onto both of my shoulders to calm me down.
"SHHHHHHH!!!! Kevin...!" He said with a chuckle, and he struggled a bit to get me to sit back down. "Hehehe, ok, I was NOT expecting that...at ALL!"
"I'm sorry! Omigod...I just....wow! So you know about the...the...'thing'....right?"
"The 'C' symbol? Yes...I know about it. But I'm telling you this in the STRICTEST of confidence, do you understand?" He said. "If this gets out, it could affect my job. Do you understand?"
"Totally! I TOTALLY understand!" I said, trying hard not to squirm and pop back up out of my seat. "So...I'm not the only one here that likes boys?"
"Not by far. I guarantee you." He said, and then...something...'uncomfortable' crossed my mind. And I think he saw it in my eyes. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing. Rally...it's....it's nothing." I told him, but he wasn't buying it.
"Come on, tell me."
"Well...I mean, like...you're not gonna.....like...'touch' me, are you?" I trembled when I said it, but I guess it was out there, so...whatever.
His face got serious, and he said, "Why, Kevin? Do you want me to touch you?" And there was a truly disturbing silence between us for a moment...before he suddenly broke out into a hearty laugh. "Hahaha, Kev...I'm just KIDDING you! Geez, loosen up!"
"ARRRGHH!!! Mr. DUNN! Jesus, you SCARED me!" I said, as he leaned forward to laugh even harder.
"I'm...hehehe...I'm sorry. I couldn't help myself!" Then he wiped his eyes and sat up straight. "Ahem...sorry. That was really not very 'professional' of me, was it?"
"No!" I said with a fake pout.
"Well, don't worry. It will relieve you to know that I am very happily involved with a partner of my own, and he is every bit as old and decrepit as I am at age 35. So you can shake that sweet little teen tushy of yours in somebody else's direction. Ok?" It was a comforting thought, and it relaxed me to know that he was just trying to help. "Kevin, listen to me...I grew up in this town too. I went through the same confusion, had the same questions...thinking 'why oh WHY am I the ONLY one?' And...I remember how difficult it was...not having anybody to talk to." He pointed at my hand, and said, "I saw that when you walked into the classroom yesterday I wasn't sure if I should believe it or not, but...after your little speech yesterday, it wasn't hard to put two and two together. And you were right. I saw you sitting there all alone, feeling like you didn't have a friend in the world...and even though I was right here next to you...I didn't say anything. I felt kinda bad about that."
I lowered my head again. "It just...it hurts, you know? There's nobody else around here like me. Nobody."
"Ohhh, come on now, Kevin. You don't really believe that, do you?" He asked me.
"Well, there's YOU...but even you're taken already." I told him, and he giggled at the comment.
"I used to think the exact same thing. But you know what? It's not true. There are boys who like other boys all over the place. And many of them are right here in this school. Many of them are gonna be really cute, many of them are gonna be really sweet, and if you're lucky...you might just find one that fits you to a tee."
"But how am I supposed to FIND them, Mr. Dunn? Everybody's so scared of being called a queer or a homo that nobody wants to be gay. *I* don't even want to be gay. How am I supposed to find a boyfriend in this place with that working against me?"
He smiled and said, "You just have to stop looking at what you want...and start looking at what you have. Chances are, the boy who is most excited to be a part of your life...is someone you see every single day, and never pay attention to."
"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked, but he just smiled and ruffled my hair a bit.
"You'll figure it out. I've got faith in you." He got up and went back to his desk. "Just know that I used to think the same thing when I was a teenager, and I met my current boyfriend right here in this high school. In the library of all places. Sometimes, if you just look in the right place, you find what you're looking for. And I did." He said. "Listen, anytime you need a friend, anytime you need someone to talk to, somebody who's been through this kind of thing before...you can come to me. Ok? I promise not to turn any more blind eyes to you. If you need me, you got me. My door is always open."
I got up from my chair, and walked behind his desk to give him a big hug around the neck. He patted my arm a bit with a grin, overwhelmed by my emotional embrace, and I tried my best to keep any tears from falling as I held him. "Thank you, Mr. Dunn. You have NO idea how much this means to me."
"Well, let's just say that I wish it was something that someone else had done for me when I was your age. Good kids like you deserve a fair chance" I finally found the strength to let him go and stand straight again, and then backed up a bit, grinning from ear to ear as a single tear dripped from my eye and slid down my cheek. "Just remember...you're not alone. And people do care, even when they pretend not to. Sometimes they just need a swift kick in the pants to show it." I nodded, and I thought about running up to hug him again, but that would have been mushy and weird. So I kept a LITTLE bit of my manhood in tact and headed towards the door.
"OH...and don't worry, I'll be sure to get the rest of the paper's articles and pictures to you first thing tomorrow morning if I can, ok? I promise!"
"No need. It seems that Carter brought over all the paperwork before last period."
I was a bit...taken aback. "He what?"
"He brought me a folder. Completely rewritten articles, edited to perfection, pictures of the can drive, sports events listed...and a rather scathing opinion piece on the school's cafeteria food." He held up a folder, and it was thick with material. "All typed up and ready to go."
"Wow..." I said quietly. "I had no idea."
Mr. Dunn smiled. "It looks like he REALLY wanted to impress you. There's a lot of extra work in here."
"I guess it would be. He is my right hand man, after all." I said.
And Mr Dunn raised an eyebrow. "Is that what he is? Hmmm..."
He didn't answer. He just told me, "A reporters research isn't done until he's covered all the bases. Maybe you've got a little bit more research to do." And he went back to grading papers as I stood there...a wrinkled forehead as I tried to get some meaning out of it. No such luck. So I left him to his work, and I went home. Maybe it's one of those things that I'll understand when I get older.
On the way home, I opened up my notebook again, and I searched through all of my research on the boys that I was investigating over the last two days. I studied the reasons that I thought they'd be gay. I studied the evidence that I had to support those theories. I went through the whole history of the things that I knew about each one of them. And then...I went back to the page where I scratched out their names...
God...it still hurt my heart to just look at it.
But what was I missing? Five boys, five attempts, five failures. What's the malfunction here?
I was walking up to my front porch, when I saw Carter sitting there on the steps waiting for me. It was a pleasant surprise, considering I was going to call him anyway. "Dude, you are SO kickass for what you did with the paper today! You turned it in a whole day early. I was thinking we were gonna go into major 'crunch time' on this one..."
But Carter seemed extremely nervous at that moment. He stood up quickly when he saw me, and fidgeted in his bag to give me the audio tape I gave him earlier. "Yeah, well...I figured that I could...um...finish if I skipped gym."
"Aww, dude, you didn't have to ditch gym just to..."
"No, it's cool. I don't even like gym anyways. Too much testosterone in that place." He said. I could have sworn that he was trembling. "So..I typed up the...uh...the..."
"The interview with Jeff?" I asked.
"Yes! The...the interview. I double checked everything, so..."
"That's awesome. You're awesome. thanks, Carter."
But he continued to quake in front of me. "Yeah, well...I made sure to edit out the...last part on the tape. You know..when he..uh...well, I didn't put that in there." What the heck was he getting at? I was completely lost until he said, "That Jeff can be a real jerk. I'm sorry. He shouldn't have treated you like that."
Then it hit me! Did I record the conversation where Jeff threatened to beat the shit out of me??? "OH...oh, dude...you know what, that was just some fucked up...random..."
"Yeah! Totally! I know that!" He said, his hands quivering as he fought to hold himself together. "I just wanted to let you know that I uh...took it out...so..."
"Oh. Ok." I said, and Carter looked at me with this....terror in his eyes for a second...and then he jerked forward and kissed me on the cheek!
I thought he was gonna be SICK, the way he was shivering! He shoved his hands in his pockets and stuttered, "So...yeah. The paper stuff is done, and...yeah. Well..."
"Carter...?" I asked, raising a hand to feel the spot on my cheek where he had just...kissed me.
"NO! Don't say anything! Please? Ok? Just...um...I'm gonna go. I've gotta...I've gotta go. I'll see you...later. I guess." Then he nervously asked me, "Is that ok?"
I had never seen a set of eyes so beautiful, a set of lips so sweet. Somehow...this weird visual 'fog' had been instantly lifted from my eyes...and I think I actually noticed Carter for the very first time in my life. I had suddenly found his true heart lying unnoticed in this giant emotional 'blindspot' of mine...and I think Mr. Dunn's comments to me started to make sense. It was...a big absent piece of the puzzle. The black void in my notebook of possible matches. He was...the previously underappreciated 'Boy #6'.
I blushed, unable to speak at all...but I did manage to work up a smile.
Carter saw my grin, and let out a deep breath of his own. He was still shaking, but I assume that it was for a whole new reason. "Well...then..." Carter said, and a sweet rosy blush flooded his cheeks as well. He paused for a second, not knowing what to say...and then he quickly leaned forward again to kiss my other cheek. He watched my eyes for a reaction, and I think he found what he was looking for. "Cool. This is...this is cool."
"Yeah..." I said.
Carter fidgeted some more, his eyes looking down at his almost 'tapdancing' feet, and he said, "So..if I'm reading this right...and I'm NOT saying I am...but if I am...then I think..." He stopped for a moment, almost as if he expected me to finish his sentence. Then he moved forward and kissed me gently on the lips...still testing me for some kind of trick. He continued with, "...I think that we should, like...hang out...more. Like, not like...we've been hanging out. But more like...how boys and...girls hang out. Sorta like...partners. Well, not PARTNERS...but something...sighhhh, nice." He was soooo bashful about it. It was adorable. And feelings that I didn't even know I had rushed to the surface so fast that I couldn't control myself. He saw me standing there...and then he kissed me on the lips again. Finally, he grinned and asked, "Do you care that I'm doing this to you?" I shook my head. "Because I can really stop if you want me to."
I leaned forward to kiss him on the cheek, the same way he had done to me, and even though I was trembling with joy when I did it...I think that the proper message was conveyed. You would have thought that he had just found a winning lottery ticket. His grin spread out in both directions, almost straining his cute face with it's brilliance. "I don't want you to stop." I told him.
"Ummm....ok." He said, his voice cracking a bit. Then he moved forward and kissed me three or four more times until we both started giggling from it. "Hehehe...I'm sorry. I've been...um....waiting. for like...a year." I still found it hard to even look him in the eye, but bit my bottom lip as we both tried to escape the awkwardness of the moment. "Soooo...I'm gonna go. Ok?" And he snatched one more kiss from my lips. "Sorry. Last one. Wait...one more!" And he did it AGAIN! Hehehe, then he forced himself to stop.
"I'll call you later?" I asked him, now trembling myself.
"Ok. Yeah. Call me." He said, then giggled, "Hehehe, um...please call me? Really. I'll be waiting and...it'll drive me crazy if you don't."
"I will. Count on it." I said, and he leaned in to give me a peck on the lips. I did the same, and we traded small boyish smooches until it almost became a little 'game' between us. And then he giggled again before walking off of my front porch. He waved at me three or four different times as he walked away from me, and it took me about five full minutes to realize that I wasn't moving. Hell...it felt like I was FLOATING!!!
These things don't usually have very happy endings in small towns like mine. In fact, I always figured that the odds were greatly against me. But..every once in a while...if you just believe in just a little bit of magic...you get to beat the odds. And you find that familiar sparkle in the eyes of someone that you never thought would share the same feelings. In the least likely of places, where the most magic lies, I guess.
I went into the house, lost in a daze, and laid back on my bed to just smile dreamily at the ceiling for a while. Wondering what it would be like to kiss Carter when we're not both...well, scared shitless of one another. Hehehe! And, at some point, I put in the video tape that he gave me yesterday. Just to watch something that he went out of his way to tape for me. Just to have a piece of his 'effort' close to me, you know? And as I watched the interview with Chase Tremier, the SUPER cute teen star of the new movie, 'S-K-Y-L-I-G-H-T'...I took a closer look at the screen. And as he sat on the couch, there was a small dark spot on the back of his right hand. I paused the tape to look closer...and sure enough..it was a letter 'C', right there in the open! On TELEVISION! I stared at it for a while, my hand over my lips in shock, and started to laugh uncontrollably to myself. I think that was the moment that I literally went crazy! A teeny bopper magazine cover model boy...wearing the symbol...that's TOO much! TOO much!
I needed my notebook...
I Am Not Alone. I Was 'Never' Alone.
Case closed. Mission accomplished.
Wait until Mr. Dunn hears about THIS one! Hehehe!