Date: Tue, 4 Apr 2006 15:45:31 -0700 (PDT) From: Carmine Trust Subject: Bulimia 9 "Have you ever used Laxatives?" asked the calm female voice.My shrink,or whatever it was that she called herself.She was a tall woman with a full body and a very intriguing face.This was my third visit into her office since I got into the clinic.So far things were not looking good.We haven't gotten anywhere in my progress to get better, mainly because I didn't feel like following the 12 steps program.I told them right out that I'm an atheist.It was a lie.I just didn't feel that the 12 steps was the way to go.I didn't want to put my life in God's hands.I didn't want to get helped.This was awfully frustrating.People here disgusted me.The food they made me eat disgusted me. "What about diet pills?" I flinched.She must have seen it because she told me to be "out with it".I tried to remember but the pictures in my head were blurry.This was a moment in my life I tried hard to forget.Diet pills.How I fucked myself over with them.I couldn't sleep,I couldn't sit still for a minute.I had the most awful headaches known to mankind.But the worst part was the Hallucination.It happened only one time and after that I never took another diet pill. I felt dizzy so I got down on my knees and fell head first onto the carpet.Everything was slow motion.When my head hit the carpet I heard an annoying sound.It was a telephone ring but maximized about 100 times.I -snail like slowly- covered my ears with my hands.The ringing stopped.But something more disturbing came in its place.Someone was signing under their breath.There were no words,just this melody spilling from a strangers mouth.What was disturbing was that I couldn't tell if it was a female or a male voice.It kept going on.I felt the room spinning.It kept going on and on and on like a nightmare that just didn't end.The voice.It came from different directions.Then a fast movement.I felt fear rise from the pit of my stomach.My stomach was in my throat.The movement left me speechless.I didn't know what it was but it moved really fast.I started bawling like a baby and covered my eves.The sound didn't stop and instead of seeing the movement I felt it.This was a nightmare.I cried louder to shut out the sound.I felt something on my shoulder and then I think I died. Except , I hadn't.Here I was.The woman looking at me with interested eyes after she heard my story.Even in the day time and in her presence I couldn't help but gulp and sweat a little while thinking back on that awful event. "That sounds traumatic," she said "It fucking was," I replied back and smiled when she had the nerve to look annoyed with me for cussing. "So I take it you stopped after that?" "DUH!" "Jesus you're such a child." "Fuck off" She smiled "You have some nerve" "So do you" "I'm going to enjoy this immensely" "What?Torturing me?" "Helping you," she said with a helpless yet hopefull at the same time smile. I was about to respond with a snappy comment when a knock on the door startled me. "Come in" "Hey Luc" "Conny?What are you doing here?" "Sorry about interrupting your session but I've got news about boy wonder here." I flinched at what the fat woman called me.Ever since I've been in this hell hole she made it her job to make my life even more miserable. "Fatty," I childishly shot back.My shrink was not happy about this. "AIDEN!You seem to have a problem with healthy people and I don't like this at all." "She's not healthy.. obscenely obese is more like it." Conny took a few threatening steps towards me.The anger in her eyes actually freaked me out a bit. "Conny," said my shrink Luc " this is very inappropriate.Just get on with the news".Conny shot me her last evil glare and went on to say "His mother just checked in and it seems she brought someone along." That spiked my curiosity.Could it be Cal?I already forgot our last awful encounter.It wasn't his fault.He was sick.He was going insane and I didn't know how to help him.God knows how much I've longed and tried.But he didn't just have mood swings.He wasn't just Bipolar.No it was something inside of him.Something that tormented him immensely.Something I thought I could help him with.Little did I know.He was more important to me than my own health.I missed his smiles.I missed the way he would kiss my cheek or my neck and not my lips because I was too frightened to kiss him back.I missed the way he put up with my whining and said it was cute.I didn't think about our last encounter.I deleted it from my memory,erased it completely like it never happened.I don't think he would even remember.He seemed to be in some sort of sick state when he did what he did to me.At the time I didn't think he might be crazy.I loved him.I thought about him every minute of every day.I was heartbroken about not seeing him.Not seeing his face,his smile,his beautiful mind.But all my hopes were destroyed when she spoke the words "it seems that his daddy took some interest" like a life sentence to my ears. My dad.My father.I was so fucking pissed.Pissed beyond belief.Luc has asked me to have a family therapy later that day.I was outraged.Was she insane?I told her that it most certainly would not be all right.She didn't listen.Now we were waiting in her office for my parents to show up.She was smoking and that agonized me.I asked her for one but she spoke my words back in my face : "it most certainly would not be all right".I pouted.Then the door opened.I looked away.I felt afraid.This came way too faster than I expected.It wasn't supposed to happen like this.HE wasn't supposed to be here.FUCK!I was furious with everyone and everything and I couldn't even look at him to show him how furious I was.I was looking out the window when I heard Luc speaking. "It would be better if both of you stayed on that side of the room." I flashed her a look of relief that she met with her own look of a sadness.I still didn't look at THEM though.I was afraid.I heard my mom's whimpering.She was crying.God she was so weak.I couldn't stand the sound.Fuck. "Aiden,would you care to say hello to your parents," Luc asked. "No," I answered coldly still not looking. "Jesus Christ who fucking raised him to be this rude?" I heard a manly voice say.I was about to fucking flip.I looked on impulse and he was looking at me right back with annoyance and anger that surprised me.Here I thought he was gonna come and try to make things up.But no.He wanted to make fun of his only fucking pathetic son. "No cussing Mr.Moffit," spat Luc angrily. "Sorry," he said totally unapologetic.I was still looking at him and he at me.He was taller than me and mom.Had black hair and a scar above his upper lip.He had dark piercing eyes and he was my father. "Not you," I whispered inaudibly. "What?" he asked. "NOT YOU. You asked who raised me to be this rude so I answered your question," I said and looked back to stare out the window.I haven't even taken the time to spare my mother a glance.Only now I heard her bawling already.It was so annoying. "Maybe you want to take a break Grace?" Luc said concerned. "Here I'll take you to the bathroom" "No," I screamed "You can't leave me alone with HIM!" My father had the audacity to laugh at that."Go on,I won't say anything until you're both back.Cross my heart," he said to Luc and she actually fucking smiled at him.Can you believe how fucking betrayed I felt.This was fucking bullshit.FUCK!!!!!!!Luc and Grace walked out the door.This left me staring at the man who brought me to this fucking awful world. "You look skinny," he said nonchalantly. "Fuck You," I said straight to his face.He glared. "That's not a nice thing to say to your father is it?" This man was unbelievable.I had to fucking laugh at this. "You're kidding me right?Father....I don't have a father.I never had a father.Obviously there was a man who fucked my mom and then became and alcoholic and left her but I don't really consider him to be my father you know" "Well he is, so get used to it" "Fuck off" "Or what" "Or I'll walk out that's what" "Try, you little spoiled brat." Now it was my turn to glare. "Fucking bastard" "What did you just call me?" "You heard me,"I said as he came closer and closer.He was too close for safety now. "Get away from me,"I tried to say but it came out in a high pitched kiddy voice.I tried to run but his strong manly arms stopped me.I was crying.This was embarrassing.I started hitting him.I fucking hated this man.He just caused me so much humiliation.I though he would punch me,but he didn't.He just stood there and took every girlie punch I threw.When I was so tired I thought I would collapse he put his arms around me and hugged me close.My whimpering stopped and the room felt really small and silent all of a sudden.I felt his body shuddering.He was crying and simultaneously kissing my head whispering "I love you, I love you, I fucking love you" into my hair.I was paralyzed.I was shocked.To say the least,I didn't know what to do.