Date: Sat, 29 Oct 2005 08:33:43 -0500
From: M Logan <mlogan6969@hotmail.com>
Subject: By The Way - chapter 10

By The Way
Chapter 10

Y'all know the disclaimers.

*	*	*	*

I'm not gonna get into all of the details of that first night when Alan and
I were together.  Mainly the reason is that whenever I read nifty stories I
never care to read about sex between guys if they're under the age of
eighteen.  Kinda creeps me out a bit.  But I can tell you that on that
first night we did some kissing.  Some heavy kissing while our hands
wandered, basically that's all we did.  You can use your imagination for
now.  Later on I'll get into the nitty gritty, but on with the story!

For the next several weeks Alan and I hung out a lot more.  Surprise!
While I had always enjoyed his company in Spanish class we started really
becoming better friends.  Yeah there were plenty of sleepovers after I was
done working on the weekends.  I was still at Kroger along with Charles,
and we had even both been promoted to cashier.  Whoopidy- doo!
Unfortunately Charles and I didn't have any classes together, though we all
took the same ones; so the only time I'd see him would be at lunch, in
between classes, or at work.

Christmas was sneaking up on me and during the first week of December I got
a phone call from Don.  He had finished his finals for the quarter and was
home for a whole month.  God, I couldn't wait for college myself.  I could
seriously look forward to four weeks of vacation, instead of the two that
you normally get in high school.

Anyway, all of the things that Alan and I talked about that night in his
backyard sort of went out the window.  I could feel a pull towards Don that
was unmistakable.
  Suddenly I'd reverted back to how I felt the previous summer and Alan
went on the back burner.  Or at least the middle burner.  I was really
excited that Don called me but I could feel an inner struggle the whole
time we talked.  I'm sure you already know what that struggle was: Don or
Alan.  It seemed that Don was winning.  And all it took was a phone call.
Was I weak-kneed or what?  I had no idea then but that struggle would
plague me for years.

I don't really know what was still drawing me to Don.  Actually I should
correct that.  After all this time I do, in fact, know.  He was the first
guy that I loved and I couldn't shake the feeling.  It really made me feel
like shit being around Alan and feeling that way.  I think he sensed
something because he went into sort of a somber mood when he found out that
Don was back in town.  I guess it's really hard to hide a crush that you
have on someone and I suppose I was like an open book to Alan.

Coincidentally the three of us attended the same church.  I had to work on
Christmas Eve until 6:00 when the store was supposed to close, and Kroger
was a madhouse.  The entire time I was working the lines from the cash
registers stretched at least halfway down the grocery aisles, so how
anybody who wasn't in line did any shopping was beyond me.  The lines never
let up, but finally around 3:30 I was able to take a break.  The lines for
the express lanes were about twenty-five minutes long so I went to another
grocery store in the strip mall where there were absolutely no lines.  I
bought a Snickers bar and a Coke then headed back to the Kroger Deli to eat
it.  As I did I passed all of those people in the express lanes and mumbled
out loud, "There are no lines at Big Star."  A few customers laughed but
everyone stayed where they were.  I guess they thought I was kidding.

Don still worked at Kroger during this Christmas break and he was coming
off of his break as I was going onto mine.  I'd asked him if he wanted to
come to Midnight Mass with my family but he wasn't sure, because Carl was
also in town and they might be doing something together that evening; maybe
he might head over to Carl's.  In other words, he couldn't make up his mind
so I was the second best thing to do if his plans fell through with Carl.
I see this now, after nineteen years, but back then I was like a puppy
following his master's bone.  Or Don's bone.  I told him that I'd come by
around 10:00 that night and see what he'd decided.  How pathetic.

My break ended and it was back to the maddening Christmas rush.  I was so
busy that I couldn't even catch a breath.  Why do people wait until
Christmas Eve to buy a turkey or a ham?  Or all the fixin's?  Criminy!
Around 5:30 I glanced up from the ten millionth item that I'd scanned that
day and saw the human package come in the door.  I couldn't help but smile
and nod my head.

"Hey bud, what're you doin' here?  Last minute shoppin'?" I asked.

"Yeah, but I ran up to Big Star to pick up some wrapping paper and tape,"
Alan said.  "D'you know there are no lines there?"

I turned to the people in my line.  "See, I told you so."  The ones nearby
just gave me a blank look and I went back to my scanning.  "So what's up,
man?"

"Nothin'.  Just wanted to know when your family was goin' to church."

Oh crap.  "We're doin' Midnight Mass.  What about y'all?"

"Same.  Want me to pick you up?"

Fuck.  I turned and looked back at Don who was two registers behind me.  He
glanced up, saw Alan and nodded.

"Um.  I might be goin' with Don.  Or he might be goin' with us, I'm not
sure."

Alan looked a little puzzled.  "Oh.  Okay.  Well, I was right here and
thought I'd ask.  I guess I'll see you later."  I could tell that my
reaction had bothered him, and why wouldn't it.  My reaction was basically
the same as Don's was to me: Sure, if I don't have other plans.  Did I see
this then?  No, because I was such a shmendreck.  Do I see it now, as I'm
writing this.  Oh God yes.  I was just in my own little Don-world again and
was blind to everything else around me.

"I'll see ya, then," I said.  Alan looked at me for a moment and then left.

That night after work I showered and got dressed for Mass.  I told my
parents that I'd meet them at the church by 10:30.  There's a choral
program at 11:00 before every Midnight Mass that we always went to, which
is why we had to be there so early.  I drove over to Don's house and saw
Carl's van in the driveway.  Not good.  I should've seen it as a
premonition and kept on going.  Of course Don couldn't go to church with me
because he was doing something with Carl after all.  I was hurt and pissed
but had I been thinking like an adult instead of a dopey seventeen year old
I wouldn't have gone over to his house in the first place.

But I wasn't an adult.  I was that dopey seventeen year old.  I felt hurt
and was pissed as I stormed out, slamming the front door when I left.  I
got to the church, which was already crowded, and found my folks sitting in
a pew and holding a spot for me.  I looked around a bit and saw Alan with
his family in the next section, a few rows up.  He and his brother were
talking and laughing about something, then his brother saw me.  It was
always kind of odd for me whenever I was over at their house because at the
time Alan's family didn't know that he was gay.  His brother had heard
rumors about me, from Don (again, something I ignored out of sheer
immaturity), and wasn't really outwardly hostile to me.  He was just sort
of, I don't know, always watching me.  As though I was going to pull down
Alan's pants and put something in my mouth in front of the family.  Anyway,
his brother spotted me and sort of sneered my way.  This caused Alan to
turn around and see what he was looking at.

He waved as I walked up to the pew where he was sitting.  There were no
seats around and the church was filling up fast.  I knew that I was going
to sit with my parents but had hoped that he and I could sit together.

"Keller not here?" he asked.

"Nope, couldn't make it."

"You gonna be okay?" his brother snickered.

I gave him a look that said, 'what the shit?' and then Alan elbowed him in
the ribs.  I rolled my eyes and shook my head.  "Oh well," I said.  "Just
wanted to come over and say hi.  Merry Christmas y'all," I said to his
family.  I went back and sat next to my folks.  Mr. Dam, Mrs. Dam and the
whole Dam family, as my grandmother used to say.  I sat on the edge, on the
outside of the family, next to the aisle.  I was really disappointed
because Don wasn't there.  I hadn't seen him in months, and finally when I
did he was hanging around that vapid, empty-headed individual, Carl.  How
was my friendship not better than Carl's? I wondered.  Don was always
complaining, or always complained, about how unreliable Carl was, how much
of a dickhead he was, and yet he still hung out with the guy.  I, on the
other hand, was very dependable and was a nice guy.  Why would he chose
Carl over me, especially after hardly seeing each other since school
started?

After Mass was over everyone slowly made their way out of the church.
"Paul!" I heard Alan call out.  I turned around.  Man, he looked fine in a
coat and tie.  I didn't really notice before because he was sitting down.
What a good lookin' guy he was.  Is.

I smiled when I saw him.  "Hey man what's up?"  We did our little
handshake, which was basically a sideways high-five, then made a fist and
bumped the top and bottom of our fists, then pressed the knuckles together.
A simple "hand thing."  How and when we came up with this I don't remember,
it just seems like we've always done it.

"Dude, I wanna come by tomorrow.  I have something for you," Alan said.

"No sh-" I remembered where I was.  "No kidding?  You didn't have to do
that.  But that's cool 'cause I got something for you too."

"You did?" he looked surprised.  Actually I didn't.  I had bought a really
nice sweater for Don and quickly decided to give it to Alan.  I mean, I
didn't want to be a dick and not have something for him if he was giving
something to me.  Martha Stewart would be proud.

"Yeah man.  I'll call you in the morning, sometime after we do our shpiel."
Just then my parents came up.

"Alan!" my dad said.  "Merry Christmas!"

"You too, Mr. Lyons," he said, flashing his dimpled smile that I soooo
loved to kiss.  "Mr. And Mrs. Lyons, these are my parents, Ben and Allison.
And my brother Steve."  Everyone made their rounds of 'hellos' and
'howdy-dos'.  Looking back it seems funny how relaxed it was for The
Parents to meet.  His family also met my brothers and grandmother who were
just coming out of the church.  After talking for a minute we all bid our
farewells and went on home.  A part of me wished that I was going to Don's.
Another part of me wished that Alan was coming home with me.

*	*	*	*

Christmas Day was a flurry of activity in our house.  At least in the
morning.  We always ate our meal in the early afternoon and I knew that
Alan's family ate theirs on Christmas Eve.  I called him late in the
morning and invited him over to give him his sweater; or should I say Don's
sweater.  Oh well.  When he came over my parents asked how his family was,
oh it was so nice to meet them, all the typical bullshit.  I went to the
tree and pulled a still-wrapped box from beneath it, handing it to Alan.

My mom said, "I thought that was Don's."  Thanks Mom.

"Nope, it's for Alan," I said.

"But I thought that the tag said 'Don' on it."

Oh crap.  "I just must've mis-written it, that's all.  No big whup," I
said.

Alan just laughed and handed me a small box.  "I hope these are the
earrings that I've been asking for," I said and Mom and Alan just laughed,
then she headed out to the kitchen to do whatever she does on Christmas
Day.

We both opened our presents at the same time.  Was that really way-gay?  To
buy a friend a gift in high school, especially if that friend was a guy?
Were more gay signals being broadcast across the planet at that moment?
Hell, who knows.  Who cares.

I had bought the sweater at Macy's and it was black with two broad blue
stripes going across the front.  It looked really good on him, especially
with his hazel eyes.  I opened the box he gave me and looked in.

"Oh man!  Awesome!" I said, pulling the brushed silver watch out.  The face
was sort of cobalt blue and had two smaller dials in addition to the actual
watch face itself that had the dates on one and a compass on the other.
"This is, like, so friggin' cool.  Thanks man!"  I looked to see if anyone
was near the living room, then I gave him a quick, silent kiss.  He was
beaming.  "I've never seen a watch with a compass."

"That's so you'll always know which direction you're going."

"Well, I guess you're sitting north of me," I said.

"Why's that?"

"Because the arrow's pointing to you."  I thought about this for a second
and then looked up at him.  He smiled and raised his eyebrows at me.  I
laughed and put the watch on, then we did our "hand shake thing" and headed
into the den to watch whatever football game was on.

My folks really like Alan, which was cool since we hung out so much.  I sat
in the kitchen yentering with Mom and Grandma as they finished making
dinner; Alan was in the adjoining den with my dad and brothers.  Over the
past couple of months he had slipped into my family as if he'd always lived
with us.  Alan is basically a really good guy who never really meets a
stranger.  Today we'd say something really stupid like, "he fits in his own
skin."  Whatever.  He's just a really nice guy and people feel comfortable
around him.  He could talk sports with my dad, which I couldn't because I'm
such a retard in that area, or he could just blab away with my mom; they
both really liked him.  And not once did Mom ask me if I did drugs with
him.

The rest of Christmas break I pretty much only saw Don at work.  Carl was
in town so he was never really available.  But I was still the puppy,
hanging on every word and hope that he'd start hanging out again like we
had months before.  The one thing bad about puppies is that it takes them a
long time to figure things out for themselves.

*	*	*	*

Our last weekend of Christmas break myself, Alan, Deanna and her friend
Tammy went to go see the movie "Stand By Me."  It had already been out for
a while so we had to hunt down a theater that still was showing it.
Finally we found one not too far from Northlake Mall and made the drive out
there, which was about a half hour away.  The theater was actually pretty
packed and we had to sit up near the front.

I must say that I absolutely love that movie.  Y'all know what it's about
so I won't go into it.  I was surprised that such a great movie could come
from short story.  Gotta love Stephen King.  Anyway, I was doing fine up
until the scene near the end where the 'writer' in the story lets the
audience know what happens to the main characters after they were grown.  I
was doing alright until he started describing how River Phoenix's character
died trying to break up a bar fight.

That was it for me.  I didn't lose it then, at the theater, but I had this
enormous lump in my throat.  Here are four kids who have this great
relationship, something monumental happens in it, then they all grow up and
go their separate ways; one guy ends up dying, of course the one who
reminds me the most of Don and how close he and I once were.  I was okay
until the drive home.  I couldn't keep the tears from streaming down my
face.  I was so filled with sadness and just plain grief because I really
felt that I was missing so much, now that Don was off living his own life.
For some reason the story in the movie seemed to parallel that of my own
life.

Of course maybe I was hormonal, who knows.  But nobody in the car really
talked that much; I guess I made them uncomfortable with all of my crying.
But I didn't start boo- hooing, just sniffing and wiping my eyes.  For
friggin' twenty-five minutes we rode home like that.  Halfway home I had to
turn on the radio just to bring some sort of joy into the car.

Right before I dropped Alan home I tried to make jokes to alleviate the
situation, and it seemed to work a bit.  We were all laughing and I even
started joking about my reaction to the movie.  They all got a kick out of
that.  So I dropped Alan and then Tammy off at their houses.  As I pulled
up to Deanna's house I threw the car into park.

"So, wanna talk?" she asked.

I looked up and shook my head a bit.  "Oh God, that movie just hit me right
here," and I tapped at my heart.

"I mean, it was good and all, but to cry over it?" she laughed.

"It just made me think of Don, that's all.  I mean at one time we were
really great friends.  Closer than brothers, or close as brothers, I should
say.  Then once he left...I just don't get it."

She sat there, saying nothing.  That was exactly what I needed though.
Silence.

"I just thank God for Alan," I said.

"Y'all are getting pretty close, huh."

I nodded.  "I've never been good in the friends department-"

"Oh bullshit," she interrupted.

"I haven't."

"You idiot, you know more people than I do."  I pondered that for a minute.

"Yeah, but I don't feel like real friends with them.  It's not often that I
feel comfortable with someone.  Comfortable enough to not even talk.  Does
that make sense?"

"I think so."

"Well, with you and Alan, it's like if two of us are in the same room or
hangin' out or whatever, we don't always have to talk to fill in the void.
It's like...how do I say it... we don't get uncomfortable if nobody's
talking, thinking that something needs to be said or spoken."

"Ahh.  Gotcha."

"Don and I were that way, now he's gone."

"So what's your problem?"

I sat there thinking of that.  What was my problem, exactly?  I had lots of
friends that I hung out with all the time.  I also had Deanna and Alan who
were at the time my closest friends.  "I guess I'm missing something that I
can't have?"

"Yeah.  Now why don't you try concentrating on the things that you do have.
Because you being miserable sucks.  Plus I hate seeing people feel sorry
for themselves."  We both laughed at that.  "Concentrate on your friendship
with Alan."

Deanna had no idea about Alan and I.  Hell, nobody did.  We kept our
necking and petting (Geeze, a gay dude had to come up with that term) to
ourselves.  We'd even double date, take the girls home, then give each
other hickeys.  Where you couldn't see them, of course.

"But we're graduating soon and he's still a junior," I said, referring to
she and I being seniors.

"So.  You going to Budapest anytime soon?"

"No," I snorted.  "But still-"

"Still nothing.  Just be his friend, dumbass."

"That's what I thought would happen with Don," I told her.

"Don, shmon.  Enough with him already!  If you wanna have friends keep
concentrating on the ones you have.  They come and go babe.  Get used to
it."  Leave it to Deanna to tell me like it is.  Like I always knew it deep
down inside.  "Don didn't turn out to the be greatest friend to you.  So
what.  You're seventeen for cryin' out loud.  You'll have more friends."

I sat there and looked out the window.  "What about Alan?"

"What do you want from him?"

"I want to stay friends," I said.

"Then goddammit, just be his friend.  Don't puss-out on me."

I died laughing.  "Chick, you got one helluva way with words."

"Well?" she said.  "If you want something different with Alan than you
have, or had, with Don, then you have to do something different."

I looked down at the steering wheel and found that I was tapping my fingers
against it slowly, just as he had that night in front of his house.  I
smiled as I realized that I had picked up one of his mannerisms.

"Can I ask you something?" she said.

I nodded.

But she never spoke.  I turned and looked up at her questioningly.  "What?"
I asked.

"I...um...feel funny."

"You?  Yeah right," I laughed and she smiled.

"Are you..."  She paused.  Oh shit.  Now I knew what was coming.  I thought
about how I'd answer her before she even asked the question.

"What."  I said.

She took a bit of a breath.  "Are you gay?"

I started the car up again because we were getting cold, and cranked up the
heat.  Why do people need to know which side a man's bread is buttered on?
It's not like she was going to ask me out.  Or hell, maybe she was.

"Why do you ask?" still tapping my fingers on the steering wheel.

"Well, you hang out with Alan a lot.  I mean, y'all are practically
inseparable.  And now all of this.  I mean, how many guys worry like you do
about other guy friendships."

I shrugged my shoulders and lay my head against my window, feeling the cold
of the glass against my skull, my chin in my left hand.  It's funny how
many deep conversations are in cars, don't you think?

"What if I am?"

"Oh hell, I don't give a shit," she said.  I died laughing at that.
"You'll still be my bud."

I smiled.  "Yes Deanna, I am."  There it was said.  Someone besides Alan
knew.  And you know?  The world didn't stop revolving on it's axis.  I
wasn't exactly shouting it out, mind you, but admitting it to someone that
I wasn't consistently making out with was a pretty big deal.

She just nodded in response.

"Can you keep this to yourself, please?" I asked.

"Oh hell, you don't have to worry about that.  I know when to keep my mouth
shut."

"Sometimes," I laughed.

"Yep," she smiled.

Suddenly for some reason I felt closer to Deanna than to my own family.  I
hadn't shared with them about that part of my personal life.  Obviously
Alan knew, and now Deanna.

"You know somethin', gal.  I don't know how long you and I will remain
friends-"

"Oh Jesus," she said.

"Hush now."

"Paul, we're not even graduated yet."

"Just shut up and listen, wench," and she laughed.  "I don't know if we'll
be friends after high school or what, but you'll always be in my heart as
the first person I've ever told.  I'll always remember that.  It's
important because it means I've feel like I can be totally honest with you.
I don't allow that to happen a whole lot."

"Does Alan know?" she asked.

I lied and shook my head 'no.'  "I wouldn't want it to ruin our
friendship."
  Actually I was just concerned about his reputation.  I didn't want word
getting out that one of the star football players also liked playing tonsil
hockey with guys, or hung out with a guy who did.  There's no telling what
kind of shit he'd have to endure if that were made public.  Not that I
didn't trust Deanna, I just thought that if he wanted to tell someone about
himself then it was up to him, not me.

"Why would it ruin the friendship?"

"Well, what if he thought I was starting to fall in love with him?  What if
he started to think there were more to my intentions that just being a
friend?"  As I was saying this I started to realize how I was really
feeling about Alan.  Yeah we made out and ground crotches a lot (albeit
still fully clothed) but it was during my talk with Deanna that I started
to think that I had more than just the hots for Alan; more than just really
enjoying his friendship.  Over the past couple of months I had started to
develop some really solid feelings for him.

But then shit, we were just kids when you think about it.  I thought I knew
what love was.  Dammit, this was confusing.

"Do you think he'd really make that leap?" she asked.

"I don't know, but I don't want to find out.  I'm thinking this is the sort
of thing one keeps private."  Deanna laughed at that.  "Well?" I said,
mocking her.

I sighed.  "Well chick, thanks for listening."

"Hey, anytime Paul.  I'm always here for you."

I smiled at her.  "Gimme a hug."  I thought she'd strangle me, as tight as
she held onto me.  "Um.  Can't breathe!" I gasped.

"You know Paul, I love you, no matter what," she said, sitting back in her
seat.

"Love you too, gal," I said.

"Well, go home and tell your parents you're gay!"  We both laughed at that.
"Call me if you need me, hun."  She opened the door and got out.

"I will."

"G'night."

"See ya, Deanna."

She closed the door and I watched until she went inside and flipped off the
light.  What a gentleman I was.  I headed home and started thinking about
telling my parents.  I know that she was only joking when she said it but I
figured what if she was onto something?  I had a feeling of enormous trust
that I had gained in telling her.  Maybe things would work out as well with
my parents.

What to do, what to do, dammit!

Merry Fuckin' Christmas.  I'm gay!  You still makin' black eyed peas for
the New Year's Eve dinner Mom?  Oye vey.  Should I?  Shouldn't I?

And how should I handle Don.  Well that one was easy to answer.  I wouldn't
handle him.  He'd pretty much left me and our friendship by the way.  I
don't want to sound dramatic or queenish.  We were still good
acquaintances, still friends; it just had changed in depth or intensity.  I
just needed the maturity to accept it and go on.  I didn't have to remain
as 'brothers' with him as I used to be.  I, too, had to leave that phase of
our friendship by the way.

I pulled up to my house and looked at it, still lit up brightly for
Christmas.  The miniature lights were all over the shrubs and we had some
floodlights aimed at the wreaths in the windows, their red bows trailing
down and fluttering in the cold wind.  As I got out of the car I noticed
that the air was really hazy, or so it seemed at first.  I couldn't believe
my eyes.  Snow!  It was snowing!  Not a common sight in the Atlanta area.
I've always loved snow because it reminded me of when I was a little kid in
New York.  I always had a nostalgic feeling when it snowed.  It always made
me feel like life was renewing itself and I was getting another chance.

I didn't give it a shitload of thought but I knew that I could do this.  Do
what, you ask?  I could tell my mom and dad that I was dug guys.  How I'd
do it was beyond me.
  I just knew that I really needed to feel like I could completely trust
them and the only way to do that was to risk being open and honest.

I stepped onto the front porch and could feel a major part of my life, my
old life, falling by the way as I slid the key into the lock.  I was
determined to leave immaturity and uncertainty behind me.  It was time to
grow up and make some adult decisions, even though I wasn't quite an adult.

I was ready to see what it would be like to open myself up and love Alan.
Again the drama, I know; but hey, I was seventeen.  What do you want.  We
were good at being friends; we were good at making out.  Would we be good
at trying more?  Would we be good at being, what, boyfriends?  How would
that work?  Man, there was so much unknown that I was facing, that he and I
might be facing together.  I needed to talk to him.  But I needed to talk
to my parents first.  I couldn't open myself up to him if I couldn't open
up to them first.

I stepped into the house and closed the door behind me.  I felt like I was
at another change in eras in my life, only this time I welcomed the change.
I would embrace it and live for the opportunities that it would afford me.

My old life was on the other side of that door.  I walked into the den
where Mom and Dad were sitting watching television.  My brothers weren't
home and Grandma was upstairs in her room.

"Mom and Dad, can we talk?"

And so began the new phase in my life.  An older and a little bit less
mature one was still outside.  The new one I was welcoming.  The old one I
had cast by the way.

	*	*	*	*	*	*	*	*	*

Howdy y'all.

Don't freak out on me.  I am nowhere near done with this story.  There's
lots more to come but I need to ask your opinion, or your thoughts on
something.

Another writer friend of mine had sent out requests to his readers asking
what their thought were regarding story titles.  I hate to seem cheesy and
like I'm copying Nick (he had a good idea so I'll run with it too) but
there is definitely a major life change from this point in the story and
I'd like to get some feedback and ideas for new story names.  I'll still
post it under "By The Way" to avoid confusion.

Winner gets fellated.  Not!

So y'all have a great weekend and I'm going to rest my feeble brain.

As usual, let me know what you think so far.

Mark

mlogan6969@hotmail.com