You know, I've been thinking about my life... life in general... how lucky I am, how to keep it going, what should I do to get things I want... In my former school, before changing schools, I did as mom told me, you know, to be polite with everyone, the teachers, your mates, get away from trouble, keep good grades, make her proud.
Back then, I was skinny, used to use retainers and was kind of shy – well, I'd say I still am for one or two things... maybe the most important of them – so I wasn't exactly the most popular kid, but always tried to be the best student... well, I wasn't either, but did pretty good.
The problem is I couldn't get away from trouble, because that got me into a lot of bullying. Dad doesn't even know the word, or ignore it. He cares a lot about me, I know, but he cares deeply about the impression I leave when someone (like dad) has to interject in such kind of problems as I couldn't solve them myself (like a man)... so I'm not really sure what he cares about the most... On the other hand, mom used to always have the right thing to say.
So, I go to the church sometimes, I watch the mass, `though the old man doesn't really like it, so usually I go by myself – no, I can't invite my current friends, they can't know I go. But I try to seek for some peace and, other than that, always when I do something bad at school – you know, I learnt in a preach, the other day, it also goes for the days that *I* don't do anything wrong but just watch and don't do anything about it when my mates do... so that's pretty much every day – anyways, when I do something bad at school, I pray and sometimes, when they `pile up', I confess myself... still it doesn't feel any less wrong somehow, the way mom taught me.
And there are a lot of other things I don't think my current friends can't know, like all of this old school phase... that I like writing music and that, actually, I'm dying to apply for the music classes at school, in the afternoon...
And as one can't be thinking about life hungry, finally, lunch time! As usual, I'd sit with the guys and they'd go among the following subjects: Football, cars and girls, usually a lot of dirty stuff. We were on the option three *giggle*
"So, you know, I don't really like the videos where they show the guys dick. I mean, who wants to see that? Only girls notice the guy on the video... I found this new video where there are two girls making out... hot!" Bruce said, with a devilish smile... gosh, he looked so confident.
"Yeah, it's girls things noticing the guy in the video. I think they shouldn't even spot him in the camera, only the girl... but the only girls thing is a great idea." Trevor was saying.
So, there's one interest I share with the guys: Watching some spicy videos, you know. I don't think I'm really a creative person, I'm more of a visual person.
Dad has a large collection. I know it's for `people over 18', but I'm about to turn 17 already and I guess he notices I get some videos to watch but he doesn't mind. He might even like it, that I'm turning into a grown man.
So, when I get to choose the videos, usually I choose one where the guy is exactly how I'd like to be: Hunk, strong, confident, beautiful, you know? I'd say that's `admiration', right?
Bruce for example, from the football team. His blond hair ruffles with the wind, it's like it has its own movement when he walks. He has this strong jaw, very white teeth, and damn, he flashes a confident smile. He has wide shoulders with a narrow waist. That gets more evident when he has his football uniform on. I bet that makes the girls crazy. Actually I know it does because he brags himself about every girl he gets... he tells so much about it that I think sometimes he didn't even get the girl, but makes it up some.
But about the movies... Yeah, don't lose the track thinking of Bruce. Trevor's idea seems good. I never talk to dad about it, but maybe he has some `all girls' movie, that should resolve the guy thing.
`So, Chris, put the video and imagine yourself there' I said to myself.
The problem is after five minutes... after eight minutes (no plot included), they were making out and I couldn't possibly imagine what do there or if that would feel good... So, the problem is I wouldn't er... *blush* get hard, you know?
"Only the girls notice the guys in the video." Bruce's comments was echoing in my head.
"Okay, I'm in the mood but it's not `working' what's completely abnormal for a horny teenager, even more one who was horny and found himself a video and it `doesn't work'. Damn it." Think Chris, think. "Aha, get one of your favorites."
So I started watching one that's really cool. The guy takes his girlfriend (I guess) for dinner, there's a table with candles and a red rose in a vase, then they're already home, close to the bed and the guys starts saying nice things in her ear as he starts taking her clothes off. For instance, this is a guy I'd like to be like, you know, blue eyes, very beautiful hair, after all, hair is important is `the frame of the face', he has a sharp angled nose, and those wide shoulders, he gets the girl and you can only see his back, the girls disappears...
Alright, alright, enough, you're hard, there's even one precum drop already oozing... mmm... now let's try again the girls video.
And after two minutes I couldn't understand why I went `limp' again so I put the hot blond guy video again... yeah, and the girl, the girl.
`Don't look at the guy, look at the girl'... I was saying but he was `doing it so well with the girl'... wow, I wish I could be like that when I get older, you know.
The point is in two minutes I was already having to hold my balls to prevent from cumming too fast.
`Don't look at the guy, Chris... no better, close your eyes and picture the girl as you cum... you're gonna cum... ah, ah...'
Damn it, all I could picture was the guy... gee, damn it, I started having those foggy visions from the dream, the guy and... horror filled my heart, it started beating faster... as cum erupted... it was more than usual, because this videos exchanging made the `session' last more than usual too.
I can only cum thinking about the guys in the video... as they're dad's videos, I never paid attention to that.
And when I dream, or now, even when I close my eyes and think about it, I can only remember the hunk hot ones...
But... but, I was thinking... even forgot to wipe all of the cum (and I never lose my attention about it, because when it gets dry over pubic hair, man, it hurts later to clean)...
I was thinking that I only admired the guys, right, I didn't want to be with them, after all I'm not a woman, right?! I... I admire them for their hot bodies, very desirable... to have... I mean, not have on the top of me kissing me... gee you're losing your train of thought... not to have on the top of me, I was saying, I was saying to have as a hot body for myself... as my body... yeah, that's it. It's the same admiration I feel for Bruce, he's hunk, hot, confident, I like being close to him... but only to learn how to be more like him, right? Right?!
I like walking with them... do I? How could I pay attention to all of their non sense all this time... because I was hypnotized by those bodies...
I went having a hot shower, you know, to sort things out... organize my ideas.
There's nothing like seeing the drops of water, formed on the shower stall glass door forming, and tracing its way down to the floor, as the hot water falls on your neck... So I was thinking about the previous sentences over and over. And tears were falling from my eyes. I could tell because they're salty, they don't taste like the shower water. And I was thinking...
`If I like seeing guys, and guys dicks, and started imagining myself lately holding their bodies... they were holding my body... does that mean that I'm ... no I don't have the courage to say the `g' word... but but does it mean I like guys?'
`Chris, that can't be... if you were... gay... okay, that's the word... I mean, er... gay people like dressing like women, right? Okay now I'm confused'.
`I don't have any wish to dress like a girl. Yes, that I'm totally sure of. So what do you want to look like? Well... that's obvious, like the guy from the movie... like the guys from the football team.' I was lost in my train of thoughts.
`That hot guy from the movie, you know, if he was along with me in the shower, now... would he kiss me in the neck like he did with the girl... he sure would hold my arms against the glass door and I would face the glass and feel him beside me'.
I was super horny... the more I tried to contain and let go of these images, the harder I stroked myself... to be honest, like I never did before.
Cum erupted on the glass door and I guess my *blush*... member got a little reddish. I have to remember I can't stroke it like that. And I had to clean to door too.
`What should cum taste like? The girl in the movie put it in her mouth and had a happy face... No, no Chris, you can't. It's your own cum... it's gross... it's supposed to be gross, so no'. I just cleaned it with water, for the best, I guess.
How can I feel so relieved, so hot, so happy... and so sad and anguish about it at the same time?!
Is that even possible that someone who likes to look like a man wants to be with a guy exactly like him, I mean, not twin, but hunk and strong as well? How do they know `who does who'? Gee, I'm so confused and I have no one to ask... because the mere question would make them suspect of me and I would have to explain the reason and hell no I don't want anybody to know it. Gosh, now I have to be careful about that too?!
I went to my room, put a CD on repeat mode, because always when I get too sad, too happy, have some problem I do that. I listen to that one song I choose till I get tired of it.
I was lying in a curled position, on my bed, thinking about it all and a tear started rolling, again, even after crying so much in the shower...actually I guess I never really ceased crying in the meanwhile... and another tear dropped, as the song was playing, and that was a sad song about life:
"In this life...
Said that we're all made of flesh and blood
Why should he be treated differently
Shouldn't matter who you choose to love"