Date: Mon, 3 May 2004 10:48:12 -0700 (PDT) From: Cody mathews Subject: The Courage To Be Me! - Chapter 1 - post in high school Written by : Cody Mathews - codyjmathews@yahoo.com DISCLAIMER: The following story contains descriptions of sexual activities between teenage boys. If you are not over 18 years of age, or if you find this type of story offensive, or viewing this material is illegal where you are, then please DON'T READ IT! If you choose to read it, then please enjoy. Part of this is based upon actual events in my life but also upon dreams I have had of how I guess I wanted my life to be. I may also take moments from things that have happened to friends of mine. or even maybe bits from movies and TV shows, so if you see something you recognise then you are prolly right and I took it from there. I'm a slow writer but I will try and write a chapter once a week. Please enjoy. People's names will be changed to keep their identities a secret. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * The Courage To Be Me! Sitting in my room, it's about 8 pm and I looked at myself in the mirror once more before grabbing my jacket and heading out my bedroom door. Tonight was the night I was going to become a man, the night I lived for. The night I had dreamed about for months. My first trip to a club, not just any club, a GAY club! Yes you have guessed it I was gay. My name was Charlie Anderson, I was 15, blonde, 5ft 7ins, with deep blue eyes. At school I loved to dance so I tried to keep my body in shape. I was ready to head out that door and do the things that in my eyes made me a real man. I would go, meet someone, and have sex for the first time in my life, making me a real man and not just a boy. I had told my parents I was going to the movies with Angel. Angel Stanton was my best friend. She knew that I was gay, she was the only one I had come out to. We had become so close I could tell her anything. I trusted her 100% and loved everything about her. She was the same age as me, and we went to the same school. Angel knew my plan and was ready to cover for me if my parents should (they have never felt the need to and never have) call her to see if I was ok. I yelled bye as I closed the front door and the cool night wind hit my face. Passers by must have thought I was high as I walked along the dimly lit town streets,as I was smiling to my self. Smiling I think partly because I was out for the night and not shut in at home, but partly from the anticipation of what was to come on this night, my night into manhood. As I drew closer to the business estate where the club was situated, I began to feel a little uneasy. I had been okay up till now but it had all been speculation; all day I had been planning it. All day! who am I kidding? I had been planning it since last weekend when I had passed by in the car with my mom and she tutted when my brother pointed out what it was. "That's the new fag club that opened up," said my brother from the front seat of the car as we drove past on our way home from the shopping centre in the next town. "Now, Neil, what have I said about using that word, it's not a fag club it's a gay club," my mom said, trying to sound mad at him, but also showing her disapproval at the fact she had to even say the word 'gay'. I don't like to say my parents are homophobes, but, well they are. My mom will tut when its talked about, or if shown on TV she will just change channel. But that's if she can do that before my dad can yell at the screen. " I don't want to see two fuckin' fags get it on" followed by "get that shit off my screen!" We are forced to turn the TV off while he then goes on for the next 20 minutes about how that has ruined his night and he should write a letter to the broadcasters to complain. Now my brothers. I have two. Neil and David. Neil is two years older than me and David is four years older. I have heard Neil take after my dad with his comments, becauses if it's not dad yelling at the screen it's Neil. But David never seemed to be bothered by it, didn't seem to care if it was on or not. Now you know my home life, your prolly sitting there thinking oh god! that's what his family thinks about being gay, and their youngest son is sure he is! But keep reading to find out just how my life turns out. For now back to feeling uneasy. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * I stood just across the road watching people come and go from the club, trying to breathe slowly and calmly. I so wanted to walk right up to the guy on the door, hand over my entry fee and walk right in. But there were two problems with that: one, I don't have any id to say that I am older then 15, and you need to be 18 to get into the club; two, I feel sick and might pass out from nerves before I get to the door. I must have been standing there for about 20 minutes, getting looks from guys as they walked past laughing and then made their way into the club. They must have realized I was scared to go in and thought it was funny. Shame I didn't see anything funny about it. I finally worked up the courage to go in. I crossed the road and kept my head high trying to give the guy at the door the impression I wasn't as scared as I looked. As I walked up he sort of looked at me and turned his back, like he'd seen me, but hadn't. I stood there a second and waited. I don't know why now, he didn't turn round to me and this other guy walked right past me and into the club, so I did the same. That was it! I was inside the club! What was going to happen from now on could only get better! * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * The music was loud as I entered the club. I wasn't too sure of what to expect, but as I walked further in I felt more at ease. The club was bigger than it looked outside, the bar was roughly in the middle of what looked like the dance floor; just off to the right of that and down a few steps were sofas and softer lighting. I made my way down to the bar and ordered a water and no ice, well, I didn't have id on me and was scared that if I was asked and couldn't show any, I would be asked to leave the club. I turned around and sat with my back to the bar and started looking about. The dance floor was packed and there were many couples talking and kissing off to the sides. I went to turn back when this guy caught my eye. His hair was black, his eyes were a deep brown and his smile was intoxicating. I couldn't take my eyes off him! He kept looking at his drink and then to me. As the lights in the club were flashing they lit up his face. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and opened my eyes again to see him standing not twelve inches from me. Oh god, what now!? He stood there smiling, sort of looking me up and down. When his eyes met mine his mouth opened and he spoke. "Busy in here tonight, isn't it?" his gaze went from my eyes to the dance floor and then back to focus deep into my eyes. "Yeah, seems like it!" I wasn't sure if my reply sounded like I knew what I was talking about. It was my first time here, how would I know if tonight was a busy night or a slow one. He seemed to smile at my reply and then took a sip of his drink and gave my body the once over again with his eyes. "I'm Joseph, what do they call you?" "Huh? Oh, um, they call me, well I mean, my name is Charlie," I finally replied. I couldn't for the life of me think of anything else to say. He smiled. I just looked at him as he moved closer. Somehow, the smell of him - fragrant from his aftershave and body spray, maybe - seemed to surround us both, and I began to sense his real presence, and to feel my own vulnerability! "I saw you standing outside, I didn't think you would ever get the nerve to come in. I thought at one point you were going to leave. I'm glad you didn't," he whispered as he leaned past me and picked up a beer mat and started to fiddle with it, never breaking eye contact or losing the smile he had that slowly seemed to grow across his face. Shit! he had seen me outside! I was trying hard to read his expression. Was he making a joke of it? Did he too think it was funny that I was trying to work up the courage to come inside? But then the thought arose in my head. He'd seen me! He must have watched me!? If he had just passed by he wouldn't have known I was standing there a while. Wait! He just said he was glad I didn't leave! Oh god! He's looking at me waiting for me to say something! "You were looking at me?" "Yes... yes, I was." His face was inches away, his eyes searched mine and mine his."You are very good looking," he ventured. I blushed. "Thanks, I mean, so are you... I mean... I'd like..." "Yes?" As if someone above could hear my head crying out, a guy leaning over the bar bumped into Joseph and we were thrown together. Arms went around waists, stomachs touched, legs went between legs, our lips met in the faintest, most tentative kiss and we both smiled. I was relieved- he tasted heavenly and look radiantly content. But I wanted more. I leaned back in and kissed him. We embraced in another but a more passionate kiss. I couldn't believe what was going on. This guy was beautiful and I wanted him! * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * I don't really know how it happened, but we ended up leaving the club and going back to his. I was so nervous, but so turned on by him and at that point desire was taking over and nervousness didn't stand a chance. As we left the club I remember feeling a sense of pride. I had done it! I had gone to the club, met a guy, in a sense got picked up instead of doing the picking up, was on my way with him to his place and I couldn't have been more sure that this was the night I was going to no longer be a child! It wasn't far from the club to his place. You could get to any housing estate within a 15 minute walk in any direction. We entered the house and he flicked on the lights and walked through to the kitchen with ease. He threw his jacket onto the table and walked over to the fridge and looked inside. "Did you want anything to drink?" Joseph yelled over his shoulder. I slowly walked in looking around at the rooms as I passed. "Nah! I'm ok thanks. So you have a nice place here. Is it just you that lives here? " I think I was trying to make chit chat. Never having been in this situation, I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do. As I walked through the kitchen door Joseph had moved from the fridge and was standing in front of me looking right at me. He pulled me close and kissed me again, then slowly began kiss down my kneck while pulling my body to his. His hands were on my hips moving me into him, closer and closer till I couldn't get any closer. His hands slid down over my back to my ass, pulling my hips into him. I could feel him against me - his hardness and mine pushing together between us, separated only by the starchy denim of our jeans. He pulled away slightly and I opened my eyes to see his looking straight into mine. "Lets go up stairs!" he whispered taking my hand and leading the way. This was it! This was the moment I was waiting for! He led me, and I followed, willingly, into his bedroom. The room showed the touch of someone who took pride in where they slept. The walls where white like snow with one wall in a deep navy blue - like the focal point in a picture, the eyes were drawn to that wall and the large, double bed which stood against it, it's chrome metal bedhead making a pattern of shadow against the deep blue behind. He stopped near the bed and pulled me closer to him, once again our bodies touching, feeling the heat from his body warming mine. His hands slid over my back to my ass, pushing his hardening cock into mine. He pushed against me and his kisses were getting more urgent. I wanted to open my mouth to him. I could smell him, taste his mouth on mine, but somehow I found myself keeping my lips closed, as though, against my will, something was holding me back, while so much of me wanted to give myself to him completely. I so wanted just to stand there, wanted him to strip me naked, to stand before him, expose my naked body to him and feel his desire on me. But something was stopping me. I could feel myself wanting to pull away from him. Within me my fears and my desires were battling with each other. What was I so afraid of? Why could I not just allow it to happen, what I had wanted for so long?! I looked over his shoulder at the bed behind. This was it! This was really going to happen! He was going to take my clothes off, lay me on the bed and we were gong to have sex and I wanted it- but I still wasn't sure if I wanted it right now. Joseph saw me looking back at the bed and he smiled and pulled away. He walked over to the bed and threw the duvet aside to make space for our bodies. He lay down on the bed looking at me; with a slight movement of his head he let me know he wanted me to join him. I stepped forward. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * So that's the first chapter. I hope you liked it and I will start on the next one very soon. Your comments are welcome, Please address emails subject as "Charlie" Thanks!