Date: Fri, 18 Jun 2004 11:17:44 -0700 (PDT) From: Cody mathews Subject: The Courage To Be Me - 4 Written by : Cody Mathews - codyjmathews@yahoo.com DISCLAIMER: The following story contains descriptions of sexual activities between teenage boys. If you are not over 18 years of age, or if you find this type of story offensive, or viewing this material is illegal where you are, then please DON'T READ IT! If you choose to read it, then please enjoy. Part of this is based upon actual events in my life but also upon dreams I have had of how I guess I wanted my life to be. I may also take moments from things that have happened to friends of mine. or even maybe bits from movies and TV shows, so if you see something you recognise then you are prolly right and I took it from there. I'm a slow writer but I will try and write a chapter once a week. Please enjoy. People's names will be changed to keep their identities a secret. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * The Courage To Be Me! "Bye mum!" I yelled walking out the front door. "Charlie! try not to be late tonight it's about time you got in early for once!" she yelled back. Mind you, I am not surprised she said that, with the amount of late nights I'd have been having over the last few weeks. Ever since I had met Joe - (I quit calling him Joseph after he asked me to just call him Joe, however much to my annoyance he now refers to me as Charlie Bear everytime he sees me)- but ever since I had met him, I had spent less time at home and more time at his; we watched movies and just hung out and, despite Joe's reluctance, I had talked him into taking me back to the night club. I was learning how to handle my self. Many times now guys had shown an interest in me. I'd been happy to dance, talk or even have a drink with them, but the moment one would ask me to leave and go home with him I would back off. The longer I spent time with Joe the more relaxed our friendship became. I was no longer concerned that he might want me, no longer thinking - will he change his mind and want something from me. When I look back, it makes me laugh. I remember jerking off thinking of Joe and then being so excited about going over to his and what might happen. But nothing did. And I soon realized that he didn't want that from me, he just wanted to be friends, and in the end that's what I wanted too. In some way I preferred it that way, the brotherly friendship that was now growing seemed stronger and better then anything that could come from us hooking up. I felt closer to him than I did to my real brothers, I never really had any sort of rapport with them, and finally I had someone in my life who understood and accepted me for who I was. I stood at Joe's door knocking. "Hey, hey, Charlie Bear!" "I have to be in early tonight - mum's orders," I laughed mockingly as I walked past and into Joe's house. "Yes, mum, I promise not to keep him out too late, he needs his beauty sleep." Joe stood to attention and put his hand up to his forehead in a mock salute. "If only she knew what i was up to, huh, she would have a fit!" I said, opening the fridge and taking out a can of coke. "Well, are you ever going to tell her?" Joe walked to the sink and continued with the washing up. "Not yet I'm not, you have to be kidding! My dad would go mental!" I hopped up onto the work surface next to the draining board. "Oh!" "So, are you going to the club Friday?" I asked, changing the subject. "Might - and don't change the subject," Joe said, throwing a tea-towel at me."Get your ass off there and help with the drying up." "Can i come with you? I'll tell mum I'm going to a club with Angel, they won't care," I took a cup from Joe and began to dry it. Joe always roped me into helping with the housework when I was there, washing up, hoovering, changing the sheets on his bed. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I never minded helping him out, sometimes when doing it I imagined that I actually lived there rather than that I was just visiting. "If you want and if you're sure they wont find out. But why would your dad go mental?" Joe replied, handing me a plate. "You really wanna know? He can't even stand the word 'gay'!" "Oh, shit, really?" Joe pulled the plug in the sink and let the water drain out. "Yep put it this way, if it is even mentioned on TV the telly is turned off for about an hour just to make sure they have missed anything to do with the subject, in whatever program it was we were watching." "It's gonna be hard to come out to him." Joe just stood there with his arms folded looking at me. "Well, that is one thing I am not looking forward to." I picked a dry plate up off the worktop and handed it to Joe. "Well, don't just stand there with your arms folded, put this stuff away! So, what time are we going to meet tomorrow?" Joe smiled and took the plate from me and began to put the things I had dried away. "I dont know, come round here about 8, we'll see from then." "Well, I guess I had better be going, don't want to be late and piss mum off." I folded the tea-towel up and laid it on the worktop. "But you just got here?!" "Kinda not in the mood for anything. I'll see you tomorrow at 8 - if any different I'll call." "Alright, Charlie Bear, see you tomorrow." I left Joe's feeling a little sad. I had been looking forward to spending the night just hanging out but the mention of coming out to my dad had really but a damper on my mood - that was one thing i was really not looking forward to doing. My mum I could handle, Neil and David didn't bother me, but my dad - shit! - now that scared me so much that the thought made me tremble. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * "Wow, it's packed in here!" "Aww, Charlie Bear, you're not scared of all these men are you?" "Don't be stupid." It was Friday night, my mum hadn't taken much persuasion to let me out, she thought I was out with Angel, but in fact I was at the club with Joe. They were renaming it so there was a big opening do. I loved going to the club with Joe, I always made a point of saying that's where we met and he would just smile and laugh. "So, did they settle on a name then?!" I yelled to Joe over the music. "Yep, they called it NOWHERE IN PARTICULAR!" "Oh, I like that name!" "Good isn't it!?" "Yeah, it's got a sort of ring to it!" Joe spotted a guy just to my left and he called to him. "Hey, Alex, haven't seen you in a while!" The guy turned and looked at Joe. He was wearing blue jeans and a white t-shirt and trainers; his dark brown hair was jelled and spikey, his face wore a confident smile and his eyes lit up when he spoke. 'Hi, Joe, long time no see." He turned his attention to me; he looked me up and down but his eyes didn't linger, " And this is...?" he turned back to Joe waiting for an answer. "This is my good man Charlie Bear. Charlie Bear, meet Alex - Alex, meet Charlie Bear." "Joe would you quit it with the god damn Bear!" I glared at Joe then turned to Alex and held out my hand, " It's just Charlie." "Well, just Charlie, it's nice to meet you," his hand took mine and shook it firmly. " So, you two dating?" Alex asked, looking back to the bar and ordering a drink. "Nah, just friends. So, where have you been? I haven't seen you in ages!" Joe turned his gaze to this guy standing behind Alex. "You know - just busy." Before anyone could say anything else the guy that Joe had been checking out had walked up and whispered something in Joe's ear. Joe smiled and walked off to the dance floor with the guy. I stood watching the dance floor while chatting with Alex too. Alex offered me a drink - I told him I didn't really drink much - he seemed to approve of that and easily suggested drinks that were non-alcholic but cool. We found a place at the bar where we could lean and watch the activity on the dance floor, chatting from time to time. He was easy to be with. Apparently he had a job in a local supermarket - a mangement trainee no less! - though from the way he talked it didn't sound much like the kind of job I would want to spend my life doing. I told him about how I loved to dance and it was something I wanted to do for a living. We had a couple of dances together - he moved pretty confidently so we were well-matched and I enjoyed myself and he seemed to do so too. It was cool, catchy stuff - no groping or anything like that - just sharing the floor and moving to the music. At one point I got the feeling he was waiting for someone - his eyes went to the door every time new people entered. It turned out that he had had a sort of boyfriend, he said, and he had said he might be in that night - though he never showed up and Alex didn't appear to be that bothered. I was busy dancing with Alex, when Joe walked up and pulled me aside. "Hey, Charlie Bear, can we leave?" "What's wrong, Joe?" "Nothing, it's just that guy wants to leave and I have to give you a ride home, so I'll drop you off on the way to mine." "I could give Charlie a lift if you want?" It was Alex, he had walked over and heard what Joe said. "You sure?" "Yeah, I haven't had a drink. That's fine if Charlie is okay with it?" "Um, sure, yeah, that's fine with me." Joe left the club with the guy - he seemed really interested in Joe. Alex and I hung out for a while, dancing and chatting. As soon as I said that maybe it was time for me to go, he readily emptied his glass and we headed for the car park. ************************** ********************** ************************** I hope you liked it and I will start on the next one very soon. Your comments are welcome, Please address emails subject as "Charlie" Thanks!