Date: Thu, 15 Jul 2004 06:38:04 -0700 (PDT) From: Cody mathews Subject: The Courage To Be Me 6 Written by : Cody Mathews - codyjmathews@yahoo.com DISCLAIMER: The following story contains descriptions of sexual activities between teenage boys. If you are not over 18 years of age, or if you find this type of story offensive, or viewing this material is illegal where you are, then please DON'T READ IT! If you choose to read it, then please enjoy. Part of this is based upon actual events in my life but also upon dreams I have had of how I guess I wanted my life to be. I may also take moments from things that have happened to friends of mine. or even maybe bits from movies and TV shows, so if you see something you recognise then you are prolly right and I took it from there. I'm a slow writer but I will try and write a chapter once a week. Please enjoy. People's names will be changed to keep their identities a secret. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * The Courage To Be Me! Had he seen me? God, he was amazing! I sat there in the back of the class watching him. I couldn't take my eyes off him. I was, should have been, taking notes on my English class, but so far the only notes I'd taken were of what colour his hair was (brown), the shape of his ass (looking very good), the way he was sitting, what he was wearing, the way he smiled when he looked back, the colour of his eyes ( I saw them when he turned around to pass something back to the guy sitting behind him - they were deep green, warm and inviting. I was sure I could hear his body calling my name!) "Charlie, are you listening?" "Earth to Charlie... come in, Charlie....!" Shit! It wasn't him calling me, it was my teacher! "Um, what, sorry!" came my reply. It was the only thing I could think to say, most of the class had turned back to look at me. Shit! I hope no one knew what I had been looking at! "So, have you heard a word I've said in this class or what? Or are you just wasting my time?" Mr Robins was saying as he walked towards me; he didn't look very pleased. "Um... Yes, I have." A lie! I'd heard most of what he'd said but then I had forgotten where I was and I couldn't take my eyes of the guy in front. " Well, make sure you pay attention in future." With that he turned and carried on walking to the front of the class. "Remember, class, most of this will be in the exam next week, wouldn't want you to fail because you were too busy day-dreaming in the class!" As I looked back, feeling very foolish, I made eye contact, the guy was looking at me! He had turned like the rest of the class to look at me when Mr Robins was talking to me, only the rest of the class had now turned back and he hadn't, he was looking at me! I could see his eyes giving me the once over, looking me up and down, then his eyes stopped back at mine and stayed there for what felt like a life time - it was only seconds but the most intense few seconds of my life so far. He then smiled, winked and turned back to face the front of the class. HE SMILED! He smiled at me! His smile was even more amazing when it was directed at you. That did it, I didn't hear a thing for the rest of the class, I kept quietly wishing he would do it again! He didn't. Mr Robins called out to me as we started to leave at the end of the class, he said he wanted to talk to me. It meant I would miss the chance to see that guy leave but what could I do? My next class was maths, I hated maths but today it seemed to be the best maths class I had ever had. I sat at the back and to the left of the class and there were empty seats next to me, and when I walked in my eyes lit up. There he was! The guy from my English class! And he was sitting on the seat right next to mine! I couldn't believe my eyes! "Sorry, am I sat in your seat?" I hadn't realized but I was standing staring at him and he had seen me. "Huh?... oh.... um, no, that's not my seat.... sorry, I was just thinking.... about something... I forgot where I was," I smiled. "Sorry, it's just I'm new here, I started today and, well, I didn't know if anyone sat here. I'm Loxley by the way," he held out his hand. "Char.... I'm Charlie." I took his hand and shook it, his hand was warm, where as mine was sweaty. I wished I had wiped my hand on my leg before taking his. I'll try not to bore you with the details of the next class since it went by about the same as the English one did, the teacher talking and me watching Loxley. As we sat next to each other we talked a bit when it was permitted, and he told me a little about him self. He had a sister who was two years older than him, he lived about 20 minutes by foot from mine, he had just transferred because his dad had changed jobs. The whole time he was talking to me I couldn't keep my eyes off his lips. We seemed to get on really well, he talked openly to me and asked me questions about myself. While pretending just to make friends, I wanted nothing more than to kiss him or tell him how hot he was and how much I liked him. But I couldn't. He didn't know I was gay and also I had no idea if he was. I wasn't 'out' at school and couldn't risk making a mistake. We hung out at lunch and talked more. The more I was with him the more I liked him and the harder it got not to want to tell him. We agreed to meet at the end of school - I was going to show him a short-cut home that he didn't know about. As we walked we talked about school and school work. We had just been paired up to work on our maths coursework so there was a reason to spend more time with him. Before long I was standing at the turning to my road, he would be turning off in the other direction. As we said goodbye I headed down my road and he headed down his. I must have been about five paces away when Angel popped up beside me. "So... who was that?" she asked, looking back towards Loxley. "Oh, him? That's Loxley! I met him today at school, he's hot!" "Yes, I could see you checking him out." "No, I wasn't!" but she could tell when I blushed and avoided her eyes that I wasn't being totally honest. She bent her head and turned to look up into my face, "Pull the other one, you really fancy him don't you, come on, admit it." "Alright, alright...so, yes, he's really nice, okay!?" Actually, I was really hoping she didn't catch sight of my crotch - she would have been in no doubt if she had seen what was going on down there! Before we knew it we were standing at my front door. " So Char, what are your plans for tonight?" "Oh,nothing, prolly going over to Joe's or something. Might just call him and tell him about Loxley." "Okay, so, meet you tomorrow before school?" "Oh no! I said I would meet Loxley and walk with him, is that okay?" "Oh, sure, that's fine, see you tomorrow!" After Angel left I ran inside, grabbed a can of something from the fridge and took the stairs three at a time on the way to my bedroom. I needed a shower but I also wanted to call Joe and fill him in on Loxley. I called him a couple of times on my mobile while I was getting undressed - but there was no answer so I took the shower first. As soon as I was back in my room, still wet, with the towel around my waist, I flopped, belly down, on the bed and rang Joe's number again. He picked up! He picked up! "Hey, Joe, you'll never believe...!" I hardly heard anything he tried to say - breathless, partly from the shower, partly from excitement at being able to tell him, I went through almost the whole of the day's events! "Er...I get the impression that you're, well, shall I say, a bit keen, Charlie Bear?" "Darn right, I am - can't wait for tomorow morning, we're walking to school together. God, what it would be like if he turns out to be gay!!! Oh, wow! ....Joe - you think I should tell him about me, or what?" Joe was quiet for a moment, I could almost feel him trying to slow me down. I wasn't surprised to hear him saying, "Take it slow, Charlie, one step at a time - sus him out a little more first, yeah?" I could hardly settle to do my homework after that, though I tried. And during the evening I couldn't keep thoughts of Loxley very far from my mind. When I finally got to bed I was exhausted but sort of energised, if that makes sense - I slept, but restlessly. ************************** *************************** ********************** The next morning it was as if I took only one breath when I woke up and it lasted until I saw Loxley waiting at the corner about three-quarters of an hour later - as though I had held my breath in anticipation, I felt myself sigh as I caught sight of him. As we walked to school I noticed with pleasure that he didn't keep his distance. Sometimes I could feel his arm brushing mine or he would lean into me as he was speaking. Something about his body language was different from most of the guys I knew. I would study his neck or his ear or the shape of his jaw when he wasn't actually looking at me - drinking everything in. And nothing I saw displeased me from the furry stubble on his chin to the mole on the back of his neck. His mum was picking him up at the end of school, he said, because they had to visit some relative that evening - so we wouldn't be walking home together. We didn't share any lessons that day, either, so we fixed it that we would meet at lunch-time and just hang out for a while. We met up at the far end of the school playground, where there were not many people, and where we could sit side by side on the low wall which separated the playground from the shrubbery. Some boys from the year below us were lazily kicking a football around and we were sort of watching them as we talked. Occasionally, I followed his eyeline and wondered how interested he was in one of the boys in particular who was quite cute! But, maybe I was imagining it - maybe it was me who was interested! The football bounced in our direction, Loxley fielded it, looked towards the cute boy and offered it to him, holding it out in his hands. The boy came over, smiled and took it from him; he turned around and booted it back to the others, his attention already back on the game. "Mmmm - nice body!" I heard Loxley say quietly as he leaned his leg into mine. I nearly fell off the wall! I turned and looked straight at him - and he at me. Our eyes locked and time seemed to stand still for a long moment. I think at first my eyes had been as wide as they possibly could be without falling out - but as the moment lasted, they softened and returned to normal - normal that is, for eyes trying to drink in the whole of that beautiful face! "I thought, maybe you should know from the start," he said quietly,not removing his eyes from mine, " I am gay, you know?" My mouth felt dry - I instinctively gulped and ran my tongue over my lips nervously. It was a moment of decision - could I tell him or not? I so wanted to - but there were so many reasons to fear the disclosure. But something took over and I heard my own voice, almost whispering as my eyes looked downwards towards the ground... "Me too." And, at that, my eyes wandered to the cute boy playing football and back to Loxley - at last looking someone in the face with both honesty and (could he tell?) desire. His thigh pressed against mine more firmly and he leaned into me for a moment. Maybe it was a good thing that the bell went at that moment and we were forced to move in for afternoon classes. "Well, then - walking to school again in the morning? Yeah?" he asked as we got to our feet. "Sure, yeah, sure!" I replied. And I watched as he backed away, eventually turning to go towards his classroom for registration. I watched him go, my mind sort of blank, my face hot. ******************* ************************* ********************* I hope you liked it and I will start on the next one very soon. Your comments are welcome, Please address emails subject as "Charlie" Thanks!