The Dark Side of the Moon
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The nurse walked me back to Jimmy but he wasn’t alone, he was sitting with detective Mark Daniels who looked up at me and smiled. “Hi, Robbie. Your dad told me that you’d be here and he said it’d be okay if I stopped by and talked to you.”
The Dark Side of the Moon 6
There was something about this guy that really made me feel safe…and he was the first older guy I had ever met that made me feel horny. I mean not like screaming horny because that didn’t really ever feel like it was coming back but a kinda warmth in the pit of my stomach horny. His dark brown hair was such a rich warm color and it seemed to be so fine the way that it draped over his collar. It seemed to me that if you had hair like that people’d be always touching it.
“Hi, Detective Daniels.” Jimmy moved over so that I could sit between him and the detective. I was glad, in a way, to see him. I hadn’t been able to get the thought of the two, less guilty guys outta my head.
“Robbie, I wanted to go over what happened to you again. A lotta times, most times really, people are two shocked near the event to have really made any sense out of it. Sometimes the mind filters stuff out. You mind going over it?”
I could feel Jimmy leaning a little closer to me. “I guess it’d be okay.” I hadn’t really thought about going thru the whole thing again. “Cause I been thinking that maybe the two guys that were with the mean guy weren’t really there cause they wanted to be.”
He smiled at me. “That’s kinda the impression that we got too. Why don’t you start at the beginning and just go thru it all.” Suddenly he glanced up at Jimmy and said, “Jim, I think that Robbie might feel a little freer to talk about this if it were just he and I.”
Jimmy started to get up but suddenly I really needed him there. “Would it be okay if he stayed?” I was beginning to feel really scared all of a sudden, you know how it is when you pretty much know that something is gonna happen and even though you don’t want it to, you want to keep control but you’re pretty sure that it’s gonna happen anyway.
The detective said, “Sure” and Jimmy sat back down. I started telling him again what happened but this time it didn’t even so much feel like I was there. It was almost like I was up by the ceiling watching me tell them what happened. I guess that it wouldn’t be so bad if I could just tell it like a news program or something, you know, without the being so scared but when I relive it like that it really all comes back. It’s kinda embarrassing. I mean nobody wants to look that stupid and lame and pathetic in front of other people and I sure didn’t wanna look that way in front of these two but once it starts I pretty much lose control over it.
So anyway it’s like I’m almost not even there but even up by the ceiling I can see that I’m just this sobbing mess. It’s almost like the rape is happening again only this time there’s an audience and it’s almost like they really are watching that happen to me, watching me half naked and bleeding and stuff. It’s a wonder that Mark and my brother Jimmy don’t just take off and sprint for the door but for some reason they don’t and even up by the ceiling I can feel Jimmy’s arms tighten around me and while it doesn’t stop anything I can sure see why I’m gay cause he almost totally wraps me up in his arms and man I just don’t ever want him to let me go.
I sure hope that I don’t have to testify in court or anything because who the hell is gonna listen to a blubbering jerk like me. They’re gonna take one look and figure psycho and leave it at that. Plus the fact that it’s incredibly embarrassing to have to talk about this. It feels like somehow I’m to blame for the whole thing.
Okay so finally I’m getting to the end and I can feel myself coming down and getting closer to the real me sitting there and then suddenly I just snap into myself and I’m me again. That’s so weird and I wonder if there’s some way that I could do that again when I’m not talkin about this shit.
Well, anyway, Jimmy is talking quietly to me and Mark has got his hand on my arm and a sympathetic look on his face but I feel like they just watched me take a dump or something and I feel all sweaty and stupid. I feel like crawling away and dying. Somehow as bad as it was when it happened it’s even worse when other people see it.
I want so much to run away and hide but that’s where it’s so fucked up cause I can’t even do that, I can barely walk without somebody helping me. So I do the only thing I can, I pretend that it doesn’t bother me but it so fucking obvious that they’re not buying that.
Jimmy’s left hand is on my stomach and his right hand is around me and holding my head. “You okay, Robbie?”
“Jimmy, can we go home now?” I feel like I’m walking on the edge of a cliff and the dirt keeps breaking away and tumbling down the embankment, big clumps that roll over and over with the dirt flying off.
Mark looks at Jimmy and kinda takes over. “Robbie, I got a pretty good idea what you’re feeling and it’s really important that you understand that we’re on your side.” I really don’t get it how anybody can be on my side.
He sighed. “You aren’t to blame for this!” He put his hand on the top of my head and it covered like the whole thing like he was baptizing me or something. These people are freakin giants! He looked at Jimmy and then me. “You need to get therapy! Nobody should go thru this by themselves. Didn’t the doctors talk to you about that?” I think maybe they did but I really really really didn’t want to talk to anyone about this.
I feel like I’m trapped between these two giant guys. Jimmy has basically got his arms around me from behind and Mark is turned so that he’s in front of me so no matter how bad I want to just disappear it’s about as impossible as it gets. They just keep looking at me and I just know that they’re picturing what happened to me, seeing me doing what I had to do for those guys and I wonder if Jimmy will ever be able to look at me and not think about it. It’s pretty unfair. I really think when something like…what happened happens…it just seems like you should have time to like, just be by yourself, like on a desert island or something. When I look off to the left over by where the nurses hang out two of them are standing there talking and it’s pretty obvious that they’re talking about me. I’m a wreck and I guess now everyone knows it.
Mark was staring right at me but then his eyes flicked up and he musta looked at Jimmy because then he said, “Okay…well…nothing needs to be done this exact second about the doctor and that stuff.” He patted my shoulder. “Maybe the best thing’d be for you to go home and rest.”
Jimmy voice came from just behind my ear. “Yeah, that sounds right. Whadya say we get you home, Robbie?” I wouldn’t have bet money that I could even stand up but anything was better than staying here with them watching me.
On the way home in the car I turned to Jimmy. “I don’t think I should be just laying in my bedroom. If I’m gonna go back to school on Monday maybe I better stay up and see if I can get over this being dizzy thing.”
Jimmy looked worried and kept glancing from me to the road. Finally he said, “You think you’re gonna be okay for school?”
I nodded. “They said I could go home if I got tired. Or, well, the doctor said that he was gonna tell em that, send em an email.” I hoped he wouldn’t forget. It’s a little strange but I was thinking that I wanted to get the going back to school thing over with, even if they killed me. I wanted life to get back to normal.
Then I got to wondering if that’s what Jimmy was worried about or if it was whether those guys had friends. I said, “Do ya think they’ll gimme a hard time, Jimmy? You know, the friends of those guys.” I suddenly remembered that Connor was one of those people and maybe there were a whole lot more.
I could see him starting to work his jaw muscles and the big muscles in the side of his neck looked like they were bulging. His eyes were getting all hard and when he answered his voice sounded strange. “They bet………I dunno, Robbie. I wish I could tell you no but I can’t and I wish I could tell ya that I’d be right there if they did but I can’t tell ya that either. It’s a big school.” His hands twisted on the steering wheel. “The thing is that you gotta stay with your friends. Nobody’s gonna do nothing if your in a group of guys.” I could have told him that not one of my friends had called to see how I was but I didn’t. For one thing I only had like two friends but then I was too embarrassed at what a loser I was to tell him that.
I said the first thing that came into my mind which was as much of a surprise to me as it was to him. “Jimmy, d’ya think I’m adopted?”
He started to laugh so hard I thought that he might lose control of the car. He grabbed a big handful of Kleenex and wiped the tears from his eyes but then when he glanced at me again he started to laugh again. His laugh was a big sports loving straight guy laugh. The laugh of someone who didn’t care and wasn’t afraid.
Finally it died down and he reached over and clamped his big hand on my knee. I felt like a vice to me although I knew he wasn’t trying to hurt me. He squeezed hard and then let go. “I know that you’re not adopted you dufus! I was real little but I still remember mom coming back from the hospital with you.” He shook his head and started to laugh again. “Adopted!” I was smiling but it didn’t seem that weird to me, after all, they were all so big, all of them and then there was me.
When we got home I went into the family room and turned on the TV while Jimmy waited for his girlfriend to get home from school. Half and hour later Connor and Chase came slamming thru the kitchen door. I looked up in time to see Connor turn and walk out but Chase sat down and watched TV for a minute. I didn’t really know if I was supposed to look at him or say hello or what. Jimmy picked up the phone and started walking towards the kitchen. I knew that he was trying his girlfriend again and wanted to talk to her in private. I took a deep breath not really knowing what Chase was likely to do. I pulled up my knees to my chin trying to make myself as inconspicuous as possible.
Chase and Connor were so much alike. They liked the same sports, they liked the same people, the same movies, the same music. It was almost like they were the same person. That’s why it was so surprising that Chase hadn’t taken off last night with Connor. . The only thing they didn’t share was a temper. Connor had an explosive temper and was quick to fight while Chase was more inclined to stand back and watch quietly although if provoked he was just as much of a fighter as Connor was. He slouched down in the chair and stretched his long jean clad legs out. I didn’t have a clue as to what he was thinking but I was watching him out of the corner of my eye.
Finally he turned his head towards me without lifting it off of the back of the chair. His voice was amazingly deep. “So you really do like guys?”
I couldn’t bring myself to look at him but nodded my head yes. He shook his head slowly from side to side. “That really is fucked.”
What was I supposed to say to that? Was I just supposed to sit there knowing that he hated me? I jumped up and took off for the door the led from the family room the foyer where the stairs were to go up to my bedroom. Except that where I thought the doorway was and where it actually was were two different things. I heard Chase call my name and I even saw what was about to happen but it was too late and I slammed into the door jamb. It was really loud, it sounded like a truck hit the house and it occurred to me that all by myself I was like this total disaster area. I mean you coulda video taped me and put me on Funniest Home Videos. I was a riot. The only good thing was that the next half hour or so was like almost a blank. I remember them carrying me upstairs and putting me into bed.
When I opened my eyes Jimmy was lying on my bed next to me with his back to the wall and his arm around my shoulders, Chase was sitting in a chair right next to the bed. Chase had an odd look on his face. My first impulse was to panic because they were both…well…there.
Jimmy looked at Chase and said, “For Christ’s sake tell him before he walks out the fucking window.”
Chase leaned forward and put his hand gently on my arm. He looked all concerned and his voice was so deep and warm it made my toes curl. “You okay? I mean you ain’t gonna hurl or nothin?” Chase has got a voice that maybe you’d expect to find on an old lumberjack. When Connor and Chase went thru puberty they both came outta it like the Incredible Hulk or something with this enormous explosion of testosterone. When you look at him you see this handsome fifteen year old guy but when he speaks it’s like…whoa!
I gasped out an “I’m okay.” Although I could feel where I had slammed into the door jamb.
He blinked once and rubbed his thumb against my arm. “Robbie, I meant that it was fucked that you were gay because of how rough that’ll be for you, not because I think that you being gay is like your fault or a bad thing or shit like that. I don’t care if you’re gay, Robbie. And to tell ya the truth, I don’t think that Connor does either.” He laughed and it made my whole body vibrate. “I think that it’s just like he’s pissed because you didn’t go to him and ask for his help or shit. You know how he fucking is! He thinks that he’s the king of the earth and we’re all his subjects. He’s just bein a dick.”