Date: Fri, 13 Feb 2004 22:45:04 -0500 From: Krys T Subject: Dealing With It 9 Well, here's chapter 9, finally finished. I'm sorry it took so long, but it's not my fault. Shoot my editor. Yes Mike, I'm blaming this all on you! You know the rules, don't read if you're not suppose too. 9 Caelum Why is it that when you need it, courage is always out of your reach? I had spent the past week trying to work up the nerve to approach Zane about the night of the party. Ci said that he wasn't angry, but that didn't mean he was okay with it. I needed to know how he felt about all of this. Once I had that knowledge, I could decide whether to tell him how I felt or not. But I was having trouble just being able to talk to him at all. Anthony and Ci constantly berated me, pushing me to talk to him, but the more they pushed, the farther I seemed to run in the opposite direction. I started feeling bad about avoiding him, but I couldn't seem to deal with how I felt, I couldn't deal with it at all. The New Year came and went with the normal fanfare, but I felt no joy or excitement at the passing of another year. I spent the night with Ci and Anthony, watching the new couple welcome 2004 with smiles and laughter. I welcomed the year with loneliness and an ache deep within me. School started back up with the usual lack of enthusiasm from both the staff and students. Assignments given before the break were handed in, new assignments were given out, and the monotony that is high school began again for another semester. Last semester, I had managed to escape the pleasurable torment of having Zane in any of my classes; this semester I wasn't so lucky. As I walked into the classroom, a glint of red on brown caught my attention, and I turned to see that liquid fall of mahogany hair spill over the paleness of his face, obscuring it for a moment until Zane pushed it back. I had the distinct impression that this semester was going to suck. I moved past him to sit on the far side of the room, as far as I could get from him. As I sat down, I saw the chase of emotions across his face as he looked at me: sadness, confusion, hurt, and another emotion that I couldn't name. I forced myself to look away from him and concentrate on the board and the teacher who was now standing in front of it. Zane Caelum was avoiding me. There was no doubt about that. Every time I entered a room, he seemed to find a reason to exit it. Though we had never been close, the new distance between us was tearing me apart, and I didn't know what I could do about it. It didn't even stop when school started. That first morning after the holiday, Cae walked into the same homeroom as me, but he sat on the other side of the room and barely acknowledged my presence. When he looked away, it cut deeper than glass and hurt more than I could imagine possible. Confused, I did the one thing every smart person should do; I went to Ciana. "Have you tried to talk to him?" she asked after I told her about Cae's recent behaviour. "I can't. He won't even look at me when we're in class together. It's like I don't exist to him," I grated. "I wanted to talk to him about the morning after the party. Anthony said that he seemed upset. I wanted to make sure he's okay but every time I approach him he makes some vague excuse and walks away!" She stared at me for a second, or to be more precise, she stared through me, a thoughtful look on her face. "I'll talk to him; find out what's going on, okay?" she assured me. I left her feeling slightly better, though Cae's actions still hurt deep inside. Caelum I had begun to live my life in seclusion. School in the day, homework when I got home, Lucas' if I was scheduled, and then back home to bed. It wasn't the first time I had done this, but the last time had not been to this extent. I didn't talk with the guys, and I avoid Ci almost as much as I avoided Zane. I spent so much of my time alone that I was surprised when Ci sat herself down on my bed after school one day. "You know, when you started this bullshit, I was fine with letting you drive yourself insane," she began conversationally, "but it has come to my attention that you have been driving someone else nuts. You've also been hurting him. Normally I'd let you work through this, you always have, but this time I can't. So quit being an asshole and talk to him!" I didn't have to be a mind reader to know whom she was talking about. I hadn't really thought about how this was affecting Zane; I'd been too caught up in my own personal struggle. I looked up at Ci from where I lay and saw the concern mixed with anger on her face. This was worse than I thought. Just her expression told me how much I had fucked up this time. "I don't--" I started. "You can. You will. You have no choice in this." Ci stopped and looked at me thoughtfully. "Actually, you do have a choice. You could not talk to him, continue to live locked away like a hermit and lose touch with the world. Or, you could grow a set, be a man, and talk with Zane. It's your choice." As always, she was right. It was my choice. I could continue being an asshole and a coward, or I could move forward and at least talk to Zane about what happened. I won't say the prospect didn't frighten me, because I was scared witless, but I was also tired of hiding in my room. "Saturday," I said shortly and turned my attention to the book sitting in front of me. I felt Ci's hand brush across my hair and down my back before she leaned down and kissed my cheek. "Proud of you." The weekend rolled around much too quickly for my taste. Saturday found me sitting on my bed, staring at the door, wondering what would happen when Zane walked through it. Ci promised to give us some privacy; she and Anthony would be upstairs watching TV with Mom. The sound of feet on the stairs made my heart beat faster, and I thought for a moment that I would pass out. Anthony stuck his head in through the door. "You ready?" he asked. I nodded, not trusting myself to speak just yet. The door opened a little wider, and the two ushered Zane into the room before shutting the door behind him. The latch clicked with a sound of finality, and I tried not to take it as a bad omen. "Ci said you wanted to talk to me," Zane stated, sitting down on the other bed. "Yeah," I started, "but you'll have to bear with me, this isn't as easy as it seems." He smiled a little, but it did not reach his eyes. I had noticed how dim they seemed, how dull and almost dead. It bothered me to realize I had hurt him that much, but what I could not understand was exactly how I had managed to hurt him that much. "I guess I kinda freaked the morning after the party. I think that it was mostly because everyone was privy to it, and I couldn't face you knowing that. What makes it worse is that it wasn't the first time-" "I know," Zane broke in, and I felt my face flush with embarrassment. . "I'm sorry about that. I was kinda hoping you didn't know. I'll admit that I was surprised you were willing to share a bed with a gay guy, but knowing that, I'm even more surprised that you were willing to do it again." I had been staring at my hands the whole time I was talking, and when I looked up, I noticed that Zane's face had gone very pale. "What?" I asked. "You're gay?" he whispered. I nodded and he looked away, a strange expression on his face. "You didn't know?" I asked. He shook his head and looked at me, "I gotta go." He left the room quickly, almost running, and I heard his feet pound up the stairs. I had just outted myself to the one person who probably didn't know I was gay. Just my luck, he was the one person I wanted to be comfortable with that fact. The pain I had been feeling since I met him welled up in that one instant, and I did the only thing that seemed logical. I put my head in my hands and cried. Zane I ran up the stairs, confusion and a sense of betrayal battling for dominance in me. Betrayal won out, and I shot into the living room where Ci and Anthony were curled together, oblivious to the world. "Zane? What's wrong? Where's Cae?" Ci queried as I stood in front of her. " We need to talk. Alone. Now." "Where's Cae?" Anthony asked this time. "Downstairs," I replied. "I'll go check on him," Anthony told Ci. He leaned over and gave her a brief kiss. "Was it all some sort of a joke?" I turned on Ci as soon as Anthony was out of the room. "Was it a game?" What are you talking about?" she exclaimed. "Why didn't you tell me?" "Zane, I need to know what you're talking about. Why didn't I tell you what?" I could tell she was getting exasperated. That didn't really bother me. I was still pissed. "That Caelum was gay!" I almost shouted the last word. "Shit," she whispered. "I didn't think about it. I kinda took it for granted that everyone around here knows, I didn't considered that you wouldn't. I'm sorry Zane, I'm so sorry." "Yeah, right." "No, I'm serious. Cae came out when he was ten. He let everyone in town know that he was gay by the time he was fourteen. It's gotten to the point over the last three years that no one really comments on the fact anymore. He just is." I could hear the remorse in her voice. She hadn't meant to hurt me. That made me feel a little better, but it didn't make it easier. All this time, and I didn't know. This gave me not a few things to think about, and I needed the time and space to think about them. "I'll talk to you later," I told her as I headed out of the house. I needed to be alone. I started toward my own house, but my feet carried me right past. My thoughts were a jumble as I continued on, and I paid no attention to where I was going. My feet took me to the park that was around the corner. Being January and very cold, it was deserted, and I had the place to myself. I sat on one of the swings and thought about the events of the past couple months and more importantly, the last hour or so. My mind kept going back to the shock on Cae's face as he realized that I really hadn't known. I was so engrossed in my own thoughts that I didn't notice that someone had joined me on the swings until I felt a hand push me slightly to start me rocking. I turned to see Jeff staring at me out of solemn blue eyes. "Hey," he said softly. "Hey yourself," I answered. "Ci thought you might need some company," he told me, answering my unvoiced question. "Did she tell you what happened?" I asked. "Nope, and I didn't ask. All she said was that you got some unsettling news and took off," he replied, still staring at me. "Ever feel like your life has been turned upside down?" I asked him, pushing myself a little to set the swing in motion. "Oh yeah. Shaken, turned upside down and then shoved back together all wrong," Jeff said with a little laugh. "How did you deal with it?" That wasn't what I wanted to ask, but I wasn't going to pry into Jeff's personal life without permission. "I had a friend who stuck by me and kept me from doing stupid things," he told me softly, his gaze now on the horizon. "I didn't come out by choice. I made the mistake of telling the wrong person and found myself facing many angry people. The worst happened to be my parents. They didn't think having a gay son was acceptable. They sent me to a shrink who was supposed to "cure" me of the disease. When that failed, they started to consider sending me to military school to teach me to be a man. I was only fourteen, but I refused, and my father disowned me. A friend of mine gave me a place to stay while I got my life in order. He also helped me contact an uncle who gave me a permanent place to live. This friend also taught me about love and loving. Not just physical and emotional, but that spiritual bond that friends can have." Jeff stopped and looked at me again. I wasn't sure what to say to all that. I didn't know that any of this had happened to him. It bothered me that I hadn't bothered to learn more about the people I called my friends. I knew plenty about Ci and Anthony because I spent most of my time with them, but I realized that I needed to know more about Jeff and Rick and Rich. When I finally spoke, it was to voice the question that was running through my brain, "Who was the friend?" "Caelum," was the answer. I wasn't surprised; he struck me as the sort to go out on a limb for a friend. I didn't say anything for a while; instead, I digested everything that he had said. "I think I fucked up, Jeff," I finally said. He didn't reply, only looked at me with those sky blue eyes. "I found out Cae was gay today. I didn't know, and no one clued me in on the fact." "Are you okay with it?" he asked. "Yeah, but that's how I fucked up. Instead of saying anything to him, I just bolted. I can just imagine what he's thinking now," I groaned. "Why did you leave? I mean, if it didn't bother you. Is it about sleeping in the same bed as him?" I didn't know if Jeff was actually confused over the fact, or if he was trying to help me work through this. "I ran cuz I was afraid," I stopped and took a deep breath. "While I thought Cae was straight he was off limits; look but don't touch. I could sleep in the same bed with him and not worry cuz to me, I wasn't allowed to do anything." "Are you gay, Zane?" Jeff asked, turning to look at me. I nodded, and he began to laugh. "What?" I shouted, not seeing the humour in the situation. "He doesn't know," he told me, still laughing. "Sorry, but it's funny. So what are you going to do about all this?" I was wondering the same thing. "I don't know, what do you suggest?" Caelum I cried until I felt a pair of arms encircle me and a familiar voice whisper words of comfort. I turned my face into Anthony's shoulder and let my emotions go. I don't know how long we sat there in silence, but I was grateful for the company. "I think I fucked up, A," I whispered, my voice hoarse from the tears. He didn't reply, just wrapped his arms tighter around me. "He didn't know I was gay. All this time, and he didn't know, and I just blurt it out. That's why he ran. He's probably disgusted with me." "I think he's just confused and shocked. None of us said anything to him; it's our fault, not yours. Give him time to adjust, okay?" he murmured. I nodded, and he relaxed his hold on me. "Why don't you take a nap? I need to talk to Ci for a while. We'll be down later, and we can watch a movie." I nodded again, too tired to argue. Anthony waited until I was almost asleep before turning off the light and heading upstairs. As sleep overcame me, I prayed that he was right, and everything would work out.