Date: Fri, 27 Aug 2010 02:04:13 -0400
From: Ben Joseph <shaggy85x@gmail.com>
Subject: Delusion Part 3 (Revised)

Oregon:

    Oregon is ancient in a way, it feels thick with the past. The
humidity, the rain, the moss, the giant ferns, it feels primordial.
Ralphie, Todd, Emma, and I make our way to my deck.

    "Let's go smoke on the trampoline," Emma states emphatically. Well
there is no arguing with her. We arrange ourselves lying down on our
backs with our heads pointing to the center and our feet pointing
outward. The sun is bright in the southern sky; wispy clouds cover the
afternoon firmament.  Peace, no one is talking; there is this silence
that is fulfilling, the only noise is a sporadic cough or the crackle
of the burning joint blurred with the sound of our inhaling.

    Ralphie breaks the silence, "So what is the plan for tonight?"

   Todd answers with, "Michelle's mom is out of town so she's having a
few people over, we should go over there."

   "All right, sounds good to me," states Emma while glancing over at me.

    Bam, "Oh shit, I think my dad is home, put that shit out"

    "Fuck!" Ralphie nearly yells.

    "Hey, you guys should just leave before he comes back here, we can
meet up somewhere."

    "Just meet us over at my house" Todd offers.  They scurry around
my house; hopefully I can get out of here in a couple of minutes.

    I spot Mattie as I walk into the backdoor. "Hey what's up Mattie,
why are you two home so early?"

    "We're waiting on a shipment of tile, and we have everything else
finished so we're done for the day."

     "Hey there's a party at Michelle's house tonight."

     "No, I can't do anything tonight; I have to pick up Kyle tomorrow
morning at like 5am."

    "Oh, is he flying in?"

     "No he's taking the train."

    My dad walks into the room, "Hey where did your friends go," he
sniffs around a little, "Oh, smoking some more dope are we?" his
statements are operating in climax, "I thought you were finished with
that crap, do you want to go through your life in a daze." Then he
starts to yell, "What's the matter with you, what did me and your
mother do to you, it's bad enough that you're gay, now you're doing
drugs, why can't you be more like Mattie!" Mattie was always his
favorite, dad's prodigy, he has been dreaming of giving the
construction business to Mattie from the first time Mattie picked up a
hammer. My other brother, Kyle, was my mom's favorite, after he
graduated, it was like she was done with her motherly duties.

    Sometimes I kind of feel like I am somehow leftovers, when I told
them I was gay it didn't exactly help matters, they kind of let me
raise myself after that point, if I'm able to make adult decisions
then I would be treated as an adult, it was simultaneously the
scariest and most freeing experience in my life. It was last summer, I
was fourteen, and I just blurted it out in the middle of dinner when
my dad was ranting about these "gays" recruiting teenagers.  I went
completely nuts; Mattie was laughing his ass off, I had told him a
year earlier, he harassed me to tell my parents every day.

    In the end, after two days of yelling and then two days of
silence, my parents said they would rather have a gay son then no son
at all. Also, they surprisingly stopped forcing me to go to church,
they don't like the fact that I'm gay but they tolerate it, I guess.
Albeit my father likes to bring it up when yelling at me.  Also I
should say that they do not look at me like they used to, Mattie and
Kyle are cool about it, but my parents' situation is a little more
complicated, toleration isn't love or acceptance, it just means that
they still allow me to live there, they treat me like I'm a leper
sometimes, my mother holds outright contempt for me most days.
Surprisingly, my dad is the one who is more supportive out of the two
of them and he regularly jokes about "fags,"

    I side step him and walk out of the house, my dad tries to get my
attention, "Sammie, wait, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that," (I'm
thinking to myself, in what other way could you have meant it) I
ignore him and walk to the high school and pick up my mom's bike, I
left my bike there when we got a ride from Ralphie, I start to ride
over to Todd's house.  I try not to let my parents get to me, but a
part of me realizes that they will never look at me the same way just
because of who I'm attracted to.

     Finally I make it to Todd's, I see Ralphie's squad car parked
diagonally in Todd's driveway, he was never good at parking, I can't
believe they let him drive the police car around when he's off duty,
but whatever.  I enter the garage and walk up the stairs and enter
Todd's room.

     Emma greets me, "Hey Sammie, how was it, I see you made it out alive."

    I chuckle, "it wasn't that bad, and I'm here aren't I?"

    "So when is Michelle's party?"

    Todd looks at his clock, "oh shit, it started like a half hour
ago, damn; it took you forever to get here Sammie"

     "I had to get my mom's bike before I came over here, I don't want
anyone stealing it," I respond.

     "Ha, yeah that's a huge worry!" Emma says, while laughing. "So we
partying tonight or what?"

    "Yeah, let's get the fuck out of here, should we get booze?" I ask.

    Todd lets out a sigh, "you have much to learn little one" and then
pulls out three massive coolers from his closet, they are filled with
beer and wine coolers.

    "Holy shit, I thought there was only going to be a few people
coming over?" Emma states with her mouth agape.

     "Well one must be prepared for anything."

    "Wait; does Michelle know how many people are coming over?" Emma
asks, and then adds "She doesn't exactly seem like the kind of person
to permit a rager at her mom's house."

    "What do you think we were arguing about after school?" Todd
states while laughing, "She was kind of concerned with the number of
people telling her they would be over; I kind of spread the word."

    "Oh you prick; I hope Michelle beats your dumbass. I'll probably
be called in to break the party up," says Ralphie. We start to bring
the coolers down the stairs, Emma loses her grip and one of the
coolers tumbles down the stairs, ice, Bud lights, Smirnoff ices, and
mike's hard lemonade are scattered on Todd's garage floor, me and Emma
start to hysterically laugh, only a few bottles break, Todd and
Ralphie salvage the cooler and the unbroken bottles and we make our
escape in Ralphie's crown vic.

   Michelle's house is out in the country and thank god, If it wasn't
we would have a major problem. There must have been around twenty five
cars there and it was only 5:30, I felt sorry for the girl and I
realized that Todd was a bit of an asshole to invite this many people
to his girlfriend's house. As we were rolling up the driveway I could
see two more cars pulling up, this definitely did not bode well.  We
unloaded the booze in her garage and were met by an endless stream of
greetings from acquaintances in each nook and cranny of Michelle's
house. Emma, Todd and me were trying to find Michelle.  And Ralphie
decided to exchange his cruiser for his truck. This party was too high
profile for him to park a cop car out front.

    When we finally found Michelle, she was all smiles and sunshine.
If she was mad at Todd, it certainly didn't show, I think she was
beginning to realize that this party was going to make her pretty
popular if only for a night, plus I think she had a few drinks by the
time we arrived.

    "Todd, finally, you're here!" Michelle yelled, while practically
strangling him.

   "Hey Michelle, what's up." I state.

    "Nothing, just having a huge fucking party, how have you been?" . . .

     >Subtle, meaningless conversation, convivial masses. Michelle has
always been one of those good girls, me and Emma have never sold her
any weed, or her group of friends any weed, which makes the following
set of events ironic and humorous to me.   Emma grabs me by the arm
and takes me into the bathroom, we lock the door and Emma grabs out a
freaking quarter pound of weed from her bag.

     "Holy shit, Emma do you have enough fucking weed?" I state.

    "Don't you see, we can make a whole lot of fucking money tonight,"
Emma counters.

    "Yeah, I guess, but where did you get that?" I retort.

     "Ralphie is still growing, so I bought all he had."

     "Wow, you think we can unload all of that,"

      "Uh yeah, Ralphie sold it to me for four hundred bucks, so if we
do this right, we can sell 16 quarters for fifty bucks each and come
out four hundred bucks ahead"

     I question her, "You think we can sell sixteen quarters?"

     "Only thirteen, help me with my scales I already sold three, I
just need to divvy it up."

     "Emma,"

     "Yeah,"

     "Sometimes you scare me."

     Emma busts out laughing, "It's just business" Emma portions up
the weed and I roll a couple of joints for us, I light one up in the
bathroom, I know if I go out there with this, we will be attacked by
everyone who wants a hit, they're fucking ravenous for ganja out
there. Of course I don't know if Michelle would appreciate us smoking
in her house, but shit we can blame it on some mystery stoner.

     We exit the bathroom and meet back up with Todd, he is shouting
at us to do an Irish car bomb with him in the kitchen, an Irish car
bomb consist of 11 ounces of Guinness, and a half shot of Jameson and
Baileys, Me and Emma are in, we love Irish car bombs.  This is selling
time, we tell Todd our plan, and he hooks up the rest of the sales, in
an hour, me and Emma are four hundred dollars closer to our goal, and
we can really enjoy the party without having to worry about the
product, plus Ralphie is back and doing Irish car bombs in the kitchen
with us.

    "ROCK OUT WITH YOUR COCK OUT!" Jeremy Fisher, your class clown,
jockey, chachi type character yells while racing through the kitchen,
almost knocking over Kim, Michelle's best friend.

      "What the fuck you dumbass!" Emma yells towards the racing
offender,  "this party is getting crazier and crazier. Mark Wilson, a
hot stoner, hippie kid, who is a junior and good friends with Todd
approaches me and offers me a sugar cube of acid, fucking acid! It's
only seven o'clock, and I'm thinking, this kid knows how to party.
Mark is an interesting person, there have been many parties where me,
Emma and Mark are the last ones up, and we are discussing politics or
religion, or a hundred other things, Mark might be a stoner, but he is
like some kind of genius, I wave Emma over.

     "Emma, Mark has acid, you wanna drop?" If I do acid it has to be
with Emma, we are each other's sitters, we keep each other out of
danger.

     "Well I guess." Emma states while smiling that mischievous smile of hers.

     "All right Mark we're in."  Mark seems disappointed that I
invited Emma, a little dejected even, like this was not part of his
plan.

      "All right, but we can't stay here, this scene will freak me
out, we have to go over to my brothers house no one is there tonight,
and we can walk, it's not that far away."

      "Okay lets drop then we'll head over to your brothers, we'll be
all right for an hour before we really trip, that will give us plenty
of time to sneak away unnoticed."

      Todd interrupts all the conversations in the kitchen. "Hey
everyone come to the garage I have a surprise for Michelle." We all
enter and find a small stage setup, there is a band. It is Todd's band
and they start playing Helter Skelter by the Beatles, and Todd starts
to sing, it is surprisingly good. Emma, Mark and I head off to the
bathroom to take our hits, and we reenter. Emma tells Ralphie that we
don't need a ride. Todd is too into his band to notice us leave, damn
our plan worked out and I'm amazed. I thought for sure we would get
involved in some interplanetary dispute before we got a chance to
leave.

   Me and Emma leave with Mark and walk to his brother's house.  I'm
wearing sandals and I feel the droplets of dew brush past and collect
on my toes, a distinct cold I can't get enough of. As we enter his
brother's house I'm beginning to feel the effects.  Part drunken, part
stoned, and part transcendental meditation; Mark puts some background
music on, at least that is what it is to me. And before I know it, a
bright burning scent of pine, that somehow conjures memory.
Afternoon with dad:

    "Hey I need you boys outside right now," Damn it, he has been
doing this all day. I'm thirteen years old. Mattie is exiting his
bedroom. Our father keeps having us do small chores all day, he waits
until we are settled down and doing something before he makes us help
him again. "Help me with this tree." My dad is referring to the row of
immature pines lining the property. There is a tree that we
continually stake, so it will quit leaning over. I am angry that he
keeps asking us to do this. Every spring we take metal stakes and rope
and try to correct this tree that is gently listing to the north.

    "Why do we do this every year, it keeps going back and leaning
over, the ground is wet and the wind blows and it leans, you can't
stop that." I argue. I add, "We are going to kill this tree if we keep
messing around with it!"

    My dad doesn't appreciate this last comment. "Well, either we come
out here every spring and straighten this tree out or I'll cut it
down."

    "Oh, I know, you and mom can't have any bent trees, that would
just be unacceptable."  After I state this I realize the truth of the
matter. He can't have a bent tree, he can't live with this annoyance,
and he would rather cut it down or kill it trying to correct it before
he would just let it be. Any aberration, idiosyncratic notion, some
identifiable imperfection, would automatically fail the outcome;
aesthetic choices aren't always so narrow, taste change, fundamentally
held truths are harder.

    "All right boys, church starts in a half hour, get dressed," fuck,
it's Wednesday, that means youth group, me and Mattie are forced to
attend. The other teenagers are all right, it's the youth pastor I
hate. He is one of those holier than thou types. How fantastic,
tonight's lesson is written on the dry erase board in our meeting
room, located in the church basement. In bold capital letters, "ADAM
AND EVE, NOT ADAM AND STEVE!" Wow how creative. I've heard passing
comments on how wrong it is to be gay in this church, but now tacit
conclusions.am I discarded rubbish; resembling hundreds of solo cups,
napkins and paper plates after potlucks have concluded in the church's
multipurpose room?

    Some are willing to forget key attributes and realities; some
ignore camaraderie and are reasonably duplicitous, is it afoot, a
betrayal of spirit, Judas' kiss. What is there to offer, what is there
to beg? I don't know how to affect their logic apprehensively and
successfully. Is this really the end point, receiving not the
appointment of nature. Compassion seems meaningless in their eyes, the
same ones that privately I wept for. An empathetic reaction violated,
I am sorry and then not. I gain my soul back, redeem ability within,
without, greater truths are erupting inside me. The garner and gather
that I moss and create.

    Wisdom is all around ripe for any raping. Representations and
revelations, this is the central lesson tonight.  I leave thinking to
myself, wow that was asinine. We head home, its nine thirty I go to my
room and lay in bed , I can't get to sleep. What the fuck, did that
douche bag actually upset me.

    And then it hits me, my family actually believes this shit. I
can't believe this, it takes me back, oddly enough, to an anti drug
presentation,. "if someone doesn't want to be your friend because you
won't do drugs then they were never your friend in the first place,"
roughly translated, anyone who won't be your family because you are
gay, was never your family in the first place. I am breaking down,
audibly crying, why do the people that I most want to be a part of
reject me. I am crying hysterically, my bedroom door slams open,

    "hey are you okay," Mattie grabs me,

    "hey what's the matter," I can't talk, and this somehow makes it
worse. Mattie is actually a good person. It would make it so much
easier if he was completely callous. If he was some complete asshole I
wouldn't give a shit. Now he wants to find out what's wrong. I believe
that if I tell him he won't ever want to console me again. I have to
tell someone though; if I keep this inside much longer, I am going to
develop a brain tumor.

   "Mattie, I..."

   "What dude, just say it"

    "I'm..." I gather myself,

    "I'm gay!" I say almost shouting.

   "Oh" Mattie sits quietly for about a minute,

   "Well that shut you up." I state while nervously laughing, was this
a mistake?

   "Its, all right man," Mattie says slowly,

   "Really, you're cool with this?"

   "Well, I don't know about cool, but I don't care, you're still my
brother, I don't care who you fuck."  This wasn't exactly the reaction
I was expecting, but it was a pleasant one.
Back to reality:

   "Earth to Sammie," Emma puts her face in front of mine,

   "oh, hey, I'm staring into a fish tank"

   "I can see that. Come outside, Mark and I are watching the sunset,
it's amazing." I make my way outside with Emma. "Hey, take a seat
Sammie," Mark beckons me and I take a seat, Emma plops down right
beside me.

   "Wow, that is amazing." I know it's a stupid thing to say, a little
vapid, not much meaning, but I kind of sit in absolute awe. A sense of
introspection falls upon us and the back porch is silent with some
kind of collective sigh and release of ourselves.

   Mark interjects "pollution creates the best sunsets, and in America
we are allowed this one last joy from cancerous pain."

    Mark is intriguing, that last statement is why I love the guy, he
comes up with more random shit than I do. Is it the acid or do I feel
that we are some kindred spirit?

    Emma gets a text.  "Hey, Sammie I need to leave, Ralphie is going
to give me a ride, its business."

   "What, are you all right?"

   "Yeah I have to go back to Todd's; I'll be right back, just stay here."

    "Emma, you can't leave me, I think I can feel it right now."
    "
    It is going to be all right I'll be back."

    "Okay, if you have to go that's fine." Emma kisses me, and gives
this wondering, loving, generous look and a smirk that leaves me
guessing, what is she doing. I question myself. Emma leaves. Mark
suggests we come back inside.

    "I feel so fucked up right now" I tell Mark. I gently lay myself
down on the floor of the living room.

    "It's all right, I do too." Mark lays himself down on his side, he
is facing me balancing his head on his hand and smiling back at me. He
is staring with his bright blue circling eyes, and they are too
welcoming. What have I gotten myself into? How can I not reach out.
But no worries, self discipline is my virtue. Still, I stare back, and
our dilated eyes have found their respective match. My right hand
becomes incontrollable, my pinkie touches and quickly retreats from
his right hand which is resting on the carpet in front of him, he
smirks at me again.

     Julia, by the Beatles is playing in the background. Mark grabs my
hand, and slowly traces my palm and fingertips. What am I getting
myself into?  I am pondering this as he traces my hand with his,

   "Let me read your palm" states Mark,

    "Oh you know how to read palms?" I respond gently laughing,

    "No," he states,

    I am weak, my hands are my power, he is capturing me, I am no
longer my own. I give into his aggression, this is pure, and he is
lacing through me.  I am shaking, and I don't know if I'm shaking from
the chill or from his advances. I realize at this moment that I would
submit to any of his progressions. Lights, shapes, geometry, fractals
fill my mind and spin perfected patterns around us. I lean forward and
my muscles in my neck tense. I must get closer, and what is he
feeling? Is this real? Separation, his hand unweaves from mine; my
shirt undresses itself with no force or interaction. I am presented
for him. Slow draws and sensations follow up my arm to my chest, he is
holding onto my body. I stop and my whole body dilates, I feel more
contentment than I have in my entire life. I am calm. I give a
desperate longing look, I need him to touch, caress, kiss, anything.

    His smile disrobes me, and seems to leave him naked before me
also.  What is this I am sensing, lust, longing, love; my soul aches
for his. He is on top of me yet I don't feel threatened. Hands explore
my hair, chest, stomach, thigh, face, fingertips tracing my lips; I am
harder than I have ever been. A slow gasp escapes, I am completely
overtaken, fear grabs and tears, I am petrified and euphoric at the
same time. I don't know where my hands should be, I desperately grab
for the first time; arm, arse, neck, and I feel his pulsating presence
upon me.

     So this is passion. Simple twist of fate that I am here, what
lottery have I won. I gulp wildly; he is leaning forward, lips
matching lips, soft caressing madness, and my first real kiss.
Prodding, he demands insertion and I can't deny him, tongues, muscle,
taste, this is too perfect. His weight pins me, I am still, no longer
shivering, and I feel warmth overtake us. I meet his eyes and soul
once again; he is no longer the aggressor. Veracity awakes in me, I
need this, no longer a desire, this feeling conquers will. A sudden
shift, he is below and smiling at me.  I wildly kiss his lips and
cheek and neck and nipple.
Sudden interuption,  "BAM!" like the sound of a car door.

     Mark throws me off of him. Misery is present, too quick of a
separation. what of myself have I left with him? The shock wears off
and we quickly dress, what is this presence.
   Emma and Ralphie appear.

    "Hey, what's up?"

   "Uh, hey,"

     Even though we are tripping, we both know to get ourselves around
so no one knows about us. I personally don't care if we are
discovered, I'm not ashamed about anything I have just done, in fact I
am trying to figure out how I can do it again. Emma is the only one at
school who knows I'm gay but I have been contemplating coming out all
year, so I really wouldn't be distraught if I was outed by my actions
with Mark. Of course I don't know how Mark feels, is he gay? Is this
just the high? Does he want to do this again? I am swimming in
questions, and I think I am peaking at this point. I have to get out
of here, I run out the door.

    "Sammie!" I hear Emma yell. I am running into the woods
surrounding Mark's brother's house.

    Tripping Balls:

     There is a full moon radiating. The sky blurs and patterns
surround me, I am bare foot, the moss sends tingles up to my spine. I
feel the expanding squishy life below me and it propels me. The
northern lights are in view, at least to me.

    Charged particles interacting with pure animal magnetism. I can't
believe Mark and I just made out. It was perfect. I should go back. My
mind is completely cleared, and no more questions need answering. "Uh
oh, where am I?" Did I say that out loud?  I decide to stay put. I
reach out to the sky, and I am touching dark thickness, the night, and
I am stirring the sky. The stars react to my direction. Epiphanies
awake and resound,

    "Mechanized madness, complete uncaring death, far off terror,
starvation, deplorable condition, separation. I don't have to feel it,
that button death. Humanity where are you? Find. I know there is a
well that is still full, some never ending love. I will never give I
will always fight, I will not stand by, while the millions die,
kindred souls, kindred spirits. Nature is inviting me back, I have
been gone for too long, it tells me to commune once again. Oneness, we
are one, not cowed and destroyed, power to us the people, living here
in harmonious singularity."

    Flittering, glowing fireflies dance and become stars, and stars
dance back and form into fireflies, they are landing on me. I feel
their pulse, the pulse of the stars, the pulse of the universe. The
forest clears itself away and their erratic dance becomes a
symmetrical and choreographed ballet. I am being taken away. The
softness of the moss grows up and surrounds my body and gently
whispers in another language. I ingest the sounds of the forest, I
sense complete love and acceptance from the planet, I am one with all
and all is one with me, euphoria, ecstasy.

     A faint call floats through the air, "Sammie," "Sammie", Its
Mark, I hear him calling me.

    "Mark", I call out, and then a little louder,  "Mark"

     He walks into the clearing,

    "Oh God, I thought we lost you." Mark's smile makes me laugh, it
is so exaggerated and funny and awesome.

    "Nope... I'm right here. I'm perfect." I state and somehow
believe.  Mark strolls closer and folds his arms around me. He
whispers in my ear and coursing chills invade my every pore,

    "I know you're perfect."  A pause, I am lost and found inside this
clearing, I know that I won't look at anything the same way. Mark
slowly meets my lips with his, damn he tastes so good, I never want
this to end. The world and universe is spinning around us the center.
Mark parts and states "Let's go back," I pause,

    "Okay." I am frightened, my will is powerless when I am around
him, and I just give in to him for some reason, I sense this will be a
continuing blueprint for our relationship.

    "Sammie, what's up with you?"  I see Ralphie as I come into view
of the house.

    "Nothing Ralphie, just letting the Earth talk to me."

    "Uh...okay." Ralphie is giving me this totally fucked up look, he
looks like my mom.

    "Sammie come inside," Emma is rolling on the floor in front of the
sliding door. Mark and I enter inside. "Where were you?" Emma
questions, "I missed you." Emma stands up and hugs me and starts to
dance. The rest of that evening becomes a hazy dream.