Don't forget to check out my web page where you can find my other stories as well as find pictures and information about me. Just go over to roman_genesis.tripod.com/romangenesis to check it out. I was having some problems with the site, but I think I have it all worked out now. As usual, E-mail me at RomanGenesis@hotmail.com with your comments and reaction to my new story.
If you're not on my mailing list yet, just E-mail me and let me know you want to be added. The E-mails I'm sending are turning into mini-newsletters that will have editorials, information about my various stories, and also additional information on yours truely. Until then, peace out!
Earth, As it is in Heaven
By: Roman Genesis
This World All Alone
I was hoping that being of a sober state of mind would help me deal with what now lay before me, but when I woke up the next morning, I was still as confused as I had been the night before. The details of my encounter were a little hazy, but the implications were as clear as day. Sebastian had a twin brother and that changed everything.
I suppose it shouldn't have changed much. I mean, I was still completely infatuated with Sebastian, the boy in my Algebra class, but I had no idea if he had been the one I was seeing everyday in the cafeteria. If I had to guess I would say that it was Sebastian, because his brother, Eric, seemed too popular at the party to be sitting in the lunchroom alone. It wasn't just that though. If you looked at him, I mean really looked at him, you could tell it was Sebastian just by the way he carried himself and dealt with the world. I hate to say it, but he basically failed on both counts. That didn't mean I liked him any less though. If anything, it drew me toward him. I wanted to help. I wanted to reach out and put my arm around him and help him facing the dying of the night.
That weekend, I also thought about what Chad
had said and how I hadn't been acting like myself lately. I wasn't
sure if it was because of Sebastian or if it was something else bothering
me. I really couldn't say. I tried to talk to Vanessa about
it, but she just told me to stop acting like a child. I guess I couldn't
act like a child, but she could still treat me like one. Go figure.
I pulled my bike up into Mike's driveway and threw it into the lawn. It was late afternoon Sunday and I had stopped by to hang out for a while. Being cooped up in my house was about as much fun as playing Twister with an invalid.
Mike threw the door open and greeted me with a huge, "Whazzup?"
I smiled weakly and walked up to the doorway. "Hey Mike."
His face instantly turned into a look of concern. "What's wrong with you?"
I looked at him curiously. "Nothing. Why?" I didn't feel any different. Don't tell me Mike was sensing the same thing Chad was. I felt like I always felt.
"I don't know. You look depressed or something." I shrugged my shoulders and we went up to his room to play a few video games. After a while he put the controller down and turned to me. "Really Trevor," he said seriously. "What's been bothering you?" I put my controller down as well and laid back on his bed. "Is it Vanessa?"
I wondered if it had been Vanessa that was bringing me down lately. "I don't know Mike. She's not the same girl I started going out with last year."
"How do you mean?"
"She treats me like a kid all the time. I try to talk to her about it, but she just blows me off. I swear to god she only wants to go out with me because I'm the captain of the team."
He was quiet for a moment and I lifted my head off the bed to look at him. He was completely lost. "No offense," he said finally, "but why does it matter? Vanessa is really hot!"
I sighed and put my head back down on the bed. Mike just didn't understand that I was looking for more than just a blow job from a relationship. What could I expect though? The poor guy hadn't been on a date since his last year of middle school. No wonder he was so oblivious.
"You want to go toss the ball around or something?" The intimate conversation about relationships was a little to heavy for Mike I figured.
"No, I should probably get home. I still haven't done my Algebra homework."
Mike jumped up so fast I almost fell off the bed. "Okay," he said loudly. "What have you done with my friend? Trevor McClain does not turn down football."
When I realized he was only joking I began
laughing and I picked up one of his pillows and threw it at him.
"You ass," I complained jokingly. After several more protests by
Mike I was finally headed home to either do my math homework or stare at
the book for an hour before going to sleep. I was betting on the
I sat in my Algebra class on Monday and stared across the room at Sebastian just as I had done the week before. Once again he was staring into his book, not making any attempt to glance up at me. Our eyes had met for a split second when he walked into the class, but he quickly looked away.
As I looked at him I kept replaying the incident when we had talked in the video store. He had been so afraid of me, but I couldn't figure out why. For some reason, I also replayed the incident when I had talked to his brother at Nathan's house. Eric really did look just like Sebastian. If it wasn't for their completely different personalities, I don't know if I would be able to tell them apart.
"Trevor, since you seem so intent on learning this material," Mrs. Anderson said, "why don't you come up and show the class how to work this problem." I looked up, my whole body becoming tense. She must have seen me staring off into space.
"I don't really know how to do it Mrs. Anderson," I said blushing.
"Maybe you should pay attention then." She continued working on the problem and I looked back across the room at Sebastian to see that he had been staring at me. When our eyes met again he looked back down at his book. God, he was so cute. Right then I decided I would talk to him after class. Nothing was going to stop me.
For the rest of the period I made a conscious decision to pay attention to Mrs. Anderson. For once, I was following along nicely. She even stopped a few times and looked at me, surprised that I was paying attention.
The bell finally rang and I headed toward the door exactly at the same time Sebastian was. "Hey, Trevor," Chad called as I got closer to the door. Shit.
I turned back around to Chad. "Hold on a second, I'll be right back." The delay wasn't enough to let Sebastian get away. I walked out the door to see Sebastian heading off. "Sebastian," I called. I think he heard me because he sped up a little bit. I rushed up and took a hold of his arm. "Sebastian," I said again.
He finally turned around and I could tell he was really scared. "Yeah?"
"Hey, I was wondering... If we could maybe..." I was stuttering like crazy. My sentences were coming out in short bursts. I had to get myself under control. "Look, I'm having a little trouble in Algebra and I was wondering..."
He continued to look at me through his glasses. His eyes were a piercing blue. I totally lost my train of thought as I looked into his eyes. This guy was so gorgeous. I got myself under control just long enough to ask, "Could you maybe help me out with studying?"
He looked down at his watch nervously before saying, "I don't know. I'm kind of busy after school."
Before he could continue I broke in, "We could do it later in the week if that's okay." I let my voice trail off. My little plan wasn't going so well. Perhaps I was coming on to strong. "It's just that Mrs. Anderson said you could maybe help me out." I was taking an awful risk by saying that. I didn't even know how well he was doing in Algebra.
When I mentioned Mrs. Anderson he finally looked back up at me and he said slowly, "Okay, I guess I could. Are you too busy today?" He said it reluctantly like it was going to be a chore to help me out. By mentioning Mrs. Anderson's name he probably thought he was obligated to help me.
"No," I said a little bit to quickly. I took out a piece of paper and jotted my number down. "Just give me a call or whatever after school. No, wait. Make it five. I have practice after school." He took the tiny piece of paper reluctantly and shoved it in his pocket. This kid wasn't used to talking to someone for so long and I could tell he was dying to get away.
"Okay," he said and began to turn away. "I'll call you at five." His voice was soft and innocent. I couldn't stand how wonderful this guy was.
"Thanks a lot Sebastian." With that, he turned away and began making his way through the mob of people. I watched for as long as I could, but he had soon disappeared into the crowd. I was so happy all of a sudden. Sebastian was going to call me after practice. Who cares that I basically tricked him into hanging out with me.
I turned around and saw Chad just standing there watching me. Panic flooded through me. I had totally forgotten about Chad. He had seen the whole thing. "What was that?" He finally said. I must have looked like a fucking middle school kid trying to get a date.
"Oh, that?" I had dropped the ball and was fumbling for an explanation. "Sebastian's going to help me with my Algebra homework," I said, like it was the most natural thing in the whole world. Chad wasn't buying it.
"You know that kid?" He was looking at me strangely, like he had caught me in a really big lie.
"Yeah, he comes into the video store sometimes." It was half true. Chad still wasn't buying it so I continued. "Mrs. Anderson said he could probably help because he's doing so well in the class."
"Oh," was all he said. I could tell he
still didn't believe me, but finally a look of apathy crossed his face.
"I guess I'll see you at practice then." He walked off down the hallway
and I let out my breath that I was unaware I had been holding. That
was way to close. After I had collected myself I headed off toward
my third period class.
When I got home from practice I went straight to my room and closed the door. Sebastian would be calling any minute. I tore my dirty clothes off and sat down in my chair. I wanted to go take a shower, but there was no way I was going to miss Sebastian's call.
I looked over at my clock and saw it was five minutes till. God, I was getting so nervous. I opened up a Sports Illustrated that was sitting on me desk and began flipping through it to get my mind off the call. Every few minutes though I would look back over at the clock and then to the phone, as if by looking at it I could somehow make it ring.
Five o'clock came and went. No call. Okay, I thought. He's probably in the middle of something. He'll be calling any minute.
I began flipping through the magazine again, looking at the same pictures, but not really seeing them. What could he be doing? Maybe he had forgotten that we were supposed to get together.
I walked over to the window and looked out. My room was situated on the second floor of the house and you could see all the way down the street from my window. The leaves on the trees that lined the street had dried up and changed color a long time ago and they were now half on the lawns and in the street. Just then a giant wind whipped through the artificial canyon and sent them dancing through the late afternoon air.
I went over and sat down on my bed. I didn't know what the hell I was doing. I was sitting here waiting for a call that would never come and a boy who wanted nothing to do with me. Just because I was Trevor McClain and I found some freshman incredibly attractive didn't mean that everything was going to fall into place. The kid probably wasn't even gay. I was foolish to think that I could have everything I wanted.
I bent over and put my face in my hands, defeated and depressed. The thought of playing football now seemed pointless and irrelevant. I didn't want the State Championship. I wanted Sebastian. My chest began to tighten and my breaths came in short, sporadic bursts as I fought back the tears. I hated crying, but when you realize that your life is empty and lonely, there's not much else you can do except cry.
I had always thought that crying was a form of giving up all hope. There was nothing left for you to fight back against, so your body just gave in and did the only thing it knew how to do. I was sobbing pretty heavily so I sat down on the floor in a ball to settle down. I didn't want my parents to hear me. Nothing could have been worse than that.
I nearly jumped out of my skin when the phone began to ring. I rushed over to it and lifted the receiver to my ear. "Hello?" I said quickly.
"Trevor, is that you?" It was Vanessa. My heart sank once again. I was on an emotional roller coaster and I didn't know how much more of this I could take.
"Yeah, it's me." The disappointment was completely obvious in my voice.
"What's wrong with you? Are you crying or something?" Her voice was so apathetic. She was almost disgusted at the thought that I might have been crying.
"No," I said quickly. "I think I might be coming down with something."
"Oh." There was a pause for a moment before she went on. "I was calling to see if you wanted to go out tonight, but I guess you're sick or whatever." It just made me feel so warm and fuzzy inside knowing that Vanessa cared about me so much. The bitch.
"Sorry," I said.
"I'll talk to you tomorrow then." She hung up without saying good-bye. I sat there a while, just holding the phone to my ear and listening to the silence. After a while the phone began to beep annoyingly and I hung it up. Vanessa really didn't care about me and Mike just wouldn't understand. For such a popular guy at school I didn't really have many people I could turn to for help.
I walked down the hallway to the bathroom and quickly stripped the rest of my clothes off. I couldn't even remember the last time I felt this awful. I turned the shower on and let the cold water fall over my face and chest. I wanted to forget about Sebastian, but every time I closed my eyes I saw him. I thought of the way his beautiful blue eyes looked directly into mine and the way he had smiled for the briefest moment at the video store when I had forgotten to give him all his change back.
It was sad, but I was now living for these moments and they were all I had to fall back on. This was probably the closest I would ever get to Sebastian and it broke my heart. My legs began to get weak underneath me and I sat down. I didn't even have the strength to cry anymore so I just sat there, leaning up against the wall naked as the water fell upon me.
I stared off into space absently, not really thinking about any one thing. I was just absorbing everything that had happened to me lately and trying to put my finger on what had been wrong with me. Mike and Chad had both seen the change in me even though I had not. As I continued contemplating the current events in my life I realized that they had first noticed a shift in my behavior after I had first seen Sebastian in class for the first time. Nothing after that moment was the same.
My eyes fell to the drain of the shower and the water that was slowly spiraling around it before getting sucked down to it's fate. This change in me had been my one way love for Sebastian. Sebastian, the boy who didn't want anything to do with me.
At that moment I realized that no matter how many State Championships I won or how popular I got at school, I would forever go through this world alone. It was my curse.
As I watched, the water continued to spiral down the drain right along with my wasted life.