For so long I wanted to get away.  >From the past, from the town, from everything.  And now that I'm here, far away from everything I've ever known, why is it that I feel just as empty?  Isn't this what I had wished for all these years?  An unknown future that I faced reluctantly.  A feeling that I'd buried for so long.  It's no different here than it was back home.  I cannot escape this thing.  The past is closer than it's ever been before...

      "Now, we'll call you as soon as we get back home," my mother said slowly.  We had finally reached the point that we all knew was coming and I think secretly none of us wanted this moment to end.

      I nodded solemnly, not taking my eyes from the desk in front of me.  The pain that had been growing in my stomach from the moment I decided I was going to school in Georgia, far away from home, was now at a boiling point.  I couldn't even look at my parents for fear of breaking into tears.  I couldn't let them see this desperation in me.  I needed to be strong.

      "Make sure you do everything on this list when you have a chance tomorrow," my father said, pushing the paper a little bit closer to me.  I glanced over at it and began scanning over the tasks for the tenth time.  It was all I had to keep my mind off the inevitable moment...

      "We're really proud of you," my mother said, coming up behind my chair and placing her hand on my shoulder.  Everything inside me was screaming for them not to leave me here, but I knew I had to go through with this.  I had made up my mind and there was no going back even if I wanted to.

      I stood up and put my arms around her, still not allowing myself to look into her eyes.  "Have a good flight," I said.  I let go of her and turned to my father.  He stuck his hand out and I took it quickly in mine and gave him a firm handshake.

      "Bye sweetheart," my mother said, handing me a card with my name on it.

      "What's this?" I asked, smiling weakly.

      "I don't know," she said playfully.  She reached down and grabbed her bag and she and my father headed for the door.  "Don't forget to call us back if you're not here when we call."

      I stood there by the entrance and once again nodded my head.  "Bye Trevor," my father said and they both disappeared into the hallway and the door closed behind them.  I looked down at the card my mother had given me and quickly ripped it open.

           Dear Trevor,

       I know you've worked very hard to get to this point and I know you will succeed at whatever you do.  We're so proud of you.

      I stared down at the note for a while and then threw it into the trash can.  I went over to my bed and sat down on the edge, staring off at nothing in particular.  For the first time in my life, I was completely alone.  My roommate was not here yet and the room seemed strangely empty.  I finally got up and went over to the mirror over the sink and stared at my reflection.

      All I had wanted to do since Sebastian's death was run far away from New York and never look back.  Now here I was, more alone than I've ever been.  My eyes began tearing up as I stared at my reflection.  I told myself a thousand times that I wouldn't cry, but sometimes you really can't help it.  When you realize that you've lost the only love you've ever known and there is no one in this world for you anymore, there's nothing left to do except cry.

      I sat down against the wall and began to weep silently to myself.  Once I had it all.  I held a town between my fingers and shared the greatest love I would ever know.  You would have never been able to tell by looking at me now.  I'm only half the person that I once was.  "I love you Sebastian," I said through my sobs.  "Please come back..."
 
 

      That lingering feeling of sickness stayed in my stomach the whole day and I finally cried myself to sleep.  For some reason, I had thought coming here would have eased my mind and that it would have been easy to build a new life.  Once you've had it all though, you find it's a lot harder to start from square one.  I sat by myself in the dining hall and didn't talk to anyone that night.  I'm not really sure why I went because I couldn't eat anything anyway.

      When I woke up the next morning I was feeling a little better.  I made a conscious decision to go out and meet some people after I had finished doing the list of things I needed to take care of.  When I got back to my room, I instantly began going door to door and introducing myself.  Most of the people who came to the door seemed slightly shocked and maybe a little irritated that I would do such a thing.  I learned a few peoples names, but I forgot them as soon as I walked away from their room.  Nobody in this dorm seemed nice at all.  I finally went back to my room in defeat and sat down on my bed.

      I hated it here.  I thought running away from New York would make my life a little bit more livable and it was only now, after I had made the most drastic change in my life, that I saw how foolish I had been.  This city, this state, and this school had nothing to offer me that could possibly ease the pain in my heart and mind.  It couldn't give me Sebastian and it couldn't give me happiness.
 
 

      I walked into the cafeteria on my third day at school and found a table by myself.  I could have found a table with someone else who was sitting alone, but my failures the day before prevented me from trying again.  I began eating (more like picking at) my food as I looked around the cafeteria.  Everyone looked so happy to be here.  I remember, there was this couple sitting a few tables down and they looked to be the happiest couple in the world.  Every once in a while he would reach his hand over and lay it gently on hers as they laughed together.  I found myself staring and had to consciously remind myself not to.

      I looked back down at my salad and stared at it blankly.  I would never have a relationship like that again.  There was no happiness in this world for me.  I should have died the same day Sebastian had.  God was punishing me for some reason.  I was once again fighting back tears right in the middle of the dining hall.  I wanted to run and hide and die.  Nobody here cares about me.

      "Hi," I heard a voice say.  I looked up quickly from the food in front of me and was met by the most intense eyes I have ever seen.

      "Hi," I muttered back in disbelief.  His eyes were blue and they seemed to be staring straight into me.  They weren't as blue as Sebastian's, but something about them seemed so urgent and demanding.

      "You mind if I sit here?" the boy asked, smiling a little.

      "No, go ahead," I said quickly, looking back down at my salad as he did so.

      "My name's Alex," he said as he sat down.  I looked back up and saw that his hand was extended in greeting.

      "Trevor," I said, taking his hand quickly in mine.  I probably held it a little too long, but I just didn't want to let go of this guy.  I don't know what it was about him.  He was hot as hell, but there was something else about him.  Almost like I remembered him from somewhere.

      "So where you from Trevor?" He asked vacantly, looking around the cafeteria as he asked.  He probably saw how stupid I was and was looking for another place to sit.

      "New York," I said quietly.

      "Oh really?" He said, looking back at me finally.  "What brings you all the way down here?"

      "I guess I was.... Sick of the snow I guess."

      "Yeah, I bet that gets annoying after a while," he said grinning.  "Bet you had to shovel the sidewalk a lot."

      "Yeah, a few times," I answered, still not looking up from the plate in front of me.  I didn't know why I was getting my hopes up about this guy.

      "Look at this couple," he said without a moment's hesitation.

      I looked up and noticed that he was talking about the same couple I had been watching earlier.  The boy was still reaching across the table and flirting with the girl playfully as they ate.  "Cute," I said.

      "That shit makes me sick," Alex suddenly said.  I looked up at him a little shocked, but found that I couldn't contain a smile.

      "It makes you sick?" I asked in disbelief.

      "Fraternity guys get all the chicks you know?  Makes you wonder what you could accomplish if you just had enough money to buy friends."  He was still staring at the couple and making no attempt to make his remark a joke.  I just stared across the table at him.  This guy was so confident.  He finally looked back at me and said, "So, what were you saying about New York?  Did you ever get shot in a drive by?"

       I laughed again.  "No, I'm from upstate New York, not the city."

      "Oh cool," he said, looking back down at his food and continuing to eat.  The New York conversation was probably boring him.

      "So, where are you from?" I asked.

      He looked back up at me with those intense eyes and said, "Florida, ever heard of it?"  I smiled as I began to stare at his lips.  They were so perfectly shaped.  "Guess not," he said.  He continued to eat as if I wasn't here.

      "Oh," I said, slapping myself to come back to the conversation.  "Yeah, I know about Florida," I said jokingly.  "Why did you come up here to the University of Georgia?"

      "To get away I think," he said, looking off into the distance as if trying to remember the exact reason he had come.  "I guess I was sick of my mom trying to have me committed to a mental institution."  Once again, he said it like it was the most natural thing in the whole world.  I just stared at him, but he looked back up and said, "Joke dude."

      We ate for a while in silence and I guess I should have said something to keep the conversation going, but I couldn't think of anything.  Somewhere during the course of my evolution toward defeat and self loathing I had become a stranger in my own body.  There was no way for this new boy Alex to understand me because I didn't understand myself.

      "What time is it?" Alex suddenly asked, looking up from his dinner.

      "About 6:15," I said, glancing down at my watch.

      "Oh shit," he muttered.  He suddenly grabbed his tray and stood up.  "I'm really sorry, but I just remembered I have a meeting at six."  I stared up at him without saying a word.  He didn't have to fool me.  I knew exactly what was going on.  He probably saw how much of a bore I was and wanted to find somewhere else to sit.  He started to leave, but then he turned around and came back.  "Let me give you my number real quick."  He told me his number quickly and said, "Give me a call later," and then walked off through the dining room.

      I watched him go in amazement until he was around the corner and out of site.  I was once again alone in the crowded room, but I ran his phone number through my head several times until I had it memorized.  Did he really want me to call or was he just being friendly?

      I looked down at my salad and laid my fork down.  I probably just lost my first chance at starting a normal friendship here.  I began to look through the crowded room for someone else to sit with.  I had just blown a perfectly good chance and I wanted to make up for it.  I could be friendly if I really tried.  I continued to scan and found that I was the only person in the room sitting alone.

      My eyes finally landed on the couple next to me.  The guy was now sitting on the same side of the table with the girl and he was right up next to her.  Now that I thought about it, Alex was right.  It made me sick to see them so happy.  The boy ran his hand up her arm slowly while they both laughed at some unknown joke.  I don't know how Alex had seen the truth behind this couple's courtship.  Somehow, whether through instinct or experience, he saw how completely unfair and unholy their relationship was.  I looked away in disgust.  I couldn't look at them anymore.
 
 

      I sat by the phone that night, just staring down at it with Alex's phone number in my hand. Give me a call later.  Was he joking?  Had he really run away because I had done something to scare him off?  I closed my eyes tight and tried to clear my mind.

      I felt so foolish.  This was the same thing kids in middle school did when they couldn't build their courage up to ask a girl out.  Something about Alex really had my mind racing though.  I hadn't felt this way since...

      My eyes opened in shock.  Was I really comparing Alex to Sebastian?  It was crazy.  I just met Alex less than two hours ago and I already had a thing for him.  I could still see the way he peered out at me through his piercing, intelligent eyes.  They seemed to take everything in at once.  In a single glance, he had looked straight into me.  There was so much confidence and strength not only in his eyes, but in the very way he carried himself.

      Mike used to tell me that I attached myself to Sebastian because he was weak and here I was attempting to attach myself to Alex because of his strength.  I looked down at the number in my hand and reached a shaking hand out to the phone.

     I picked it up and began to dial.  I had no idea what I was going to say.  I knew my voice was going to be shaking. I just hoped he wouldn't be able to pick up on it.  It began to ring and I found the knot in my stomach tightening.

      Ring ring...

      Ever since Sebastian's death, I had buried the desire I had as far down as I could.  I felt guilty when Chad hit on me the year after his death and all I wanted to do was take him in my arms.  I couldn't handle it.  I felt like I was cheating on Sebastian all over again.  I felt like I was killing him all over again.

      Ring ring...

      And here I was trying to hook up with a complete stranger.  If Sebastian was up in heaven looking down right now, he was probably shaking his head in disgust.  I could just see him.  He was crying and asking, "Why?"  It was the same thing he asked me from his death bed.

      Ring ring...

      I found tears forming in my eyes.  After all these years, Sebastian's death was still affecting me.  I remembered the exact day in the weight room when me and Eric engaged in the most unspeakable act.  I would have given my life to protect Sebastian, and here I was... letting him down again.

      "Hello?" a voice answered.  The person seemed to be winded.  I just sat there, tears flowing down my cheeks.  I knew this voice.  It was Alex.  "Hello?" he said again.  I was frozen.  I imagined Alex in his room, running to get his phone and picking it up and finding silence.  Then I saw Sebastian laying motionless in his hospital bed.  I couldn't do it.  I slammed the receiver down and backed away from it, like it was the cause of all my problems.

      The tears were really flowing now and I went over and laid down on my bed, shaking from fear.  I wanted to be happy.  I would have given anything for just one shred of happiness.  I squeezed my eyes shut and buried my face into my pillow.  It was finished.  Sebastian was still dead and so was I.  There was nothing left to do...
 
 

      Dreams are a funny thing.  Some people think they represent desires buried deep in your subconscious.  Others say they are symbols and that they can actually tell the future.  Me, I don't really have an opinion or claim to know what they are.  I do remember my dream that night though.

      I was out in the snow covered woods that Sebastian and I would visit to be alone.  It was after Sebastian's death and I was running there to find him.  My whole world had just crumbled down around me and I was searching desperately for Sebastian.  I still thought I could find him if I searched hard enough.

      I never found him that night, but no one ever said that dreams hold true to reality.  In my dream, I ran to our spot and saw him sitting by the stream waiting for me.  His back was to me and he was just staring down at the water, his hood covering his head from the cold.  I knew it was him though.  "Sebastian," I screamed.  I crashed through the brush and over the snow covered rocks and jumped down next to him.

      He turned to me slowly and I froze where I was, only a few feet away.  The boy wasn't Sebastian.  It was Alex.  He stared at me expressionless, his eyes piercing straight into my soul.  I couldn't control myself.  I brought my face toward his, but he remained motionless.  I totally forgot about Sebastian as my lips moved closer and closer to the boy I had only met once.  Yes, dreams are a funny thing.  Some think they represent desires buried deep down in your subconscious.  Some, though, think they can tell the future, an omen for things to come...