Date: Wed, 26 Aug 2009 21:41:40 +1000
From: Zeb Direen <hell_mancer@hotmail.com>
Subject: Empty Feelings

"I do not like math. There I said it." I stared straight at my teacher. She
didn't even change her expression.

"Why do you not like math?" Her voice crackled like a used hanky.

"Because it's pointless, I don't see where I'm going to use things like
this. Not once have I ever been in a park and had the urgent need to find
out how long the sloping part of a slide is." I knew this wasn't a good
idea, but I wasn't backing down now.

"There are lots of jobs where you will need to know these things." She was
trying to weaken me with the cliché `why we need math' speech.

"Yeah, jobs I don't want, so why do I have to sit here and listen to all
this stuff." I've got her now, I thought.

"Because I am your teacher, and until three o'clock I tell you what to do."
That's when the staring contest started. I could walk out but what she said
was true, she could be bluffing, but I couldn't tell.

"Alright." I sat down, tail between my legs, and started chewing on the end
of my pen. She wrote out the detention slip, and slapped it down on my desk
as she let out a triumphant scoff.

"Dude! What the hell?" Cameron whispered at me, "Third time today, History,
Geography and math now? What are you gonna do when you grow up?" He looked
at me in astonishment.

"I dunno, I could be a prostitute. Easy hours, I'm my own boss, good money,
apparently." I sniggered as I told him. Truth is I didn't know what I
wanted to be. I'll probably end up working in Woolworths. Cameron started
sniggering too.

"A prostitute? You'd need math for that, counting money, estimates, and
percentages for your pimp." He kept giggling quietly, "Who'd you have as
your pimp, by the way?" I could hardly keep a straight face.

"You naturally Cameron." That was enough to make him laugh, loudly. And
sure enough a detention for Cameron as well. "We'll serve time together," I
said "we'll be doing plenty together when we get our `jobs'" Cameron just
sighed and continued his work.

Sports. Another class I dread. I'm not fat or anything, I just can't be
bothered playing games, especially in the afternoon. It was ok though, our
teacher was sick, so we had our usual relief teacher. Mrs Tounge, she was
great, she made us do theory but out in the sun on the oval and usually
never checked on us. She'd sit on the stands with her sunglasses on talking
with the popular girls. That left us to just lie around and relax with each
other.

"Do you think flowers feel pain?" Emily said, looking at a daisy she'd
plucked out of the ground.

"From a philosophical point of view, or a metaphysical point of view?"
Jason tried to look dignified as he said it.

Cameron sat up from his laying position, "You're full of shit Jay." He
looked at Jason in a competitive way.

Jason returned the glare, "What? I just asked a question."  He went back to
his laying position.

Cameron, on the warpath, said, "Do you even know what metaphysical means?"
Cameron challenges us at every point, only to make him self feel good that
he is right and we are wrong. All of that blurred into the background as I
saw him, Connor, he was always playing sports and goofing around with the
other guy, guys. I always enjoy watching him run around laughing, I feel
bad about it but I just can't help myself. Yeah I know it's a guy, so what?
I bet if I look deeply into anyone's life I would find some dark silent
depraved secret they don't want to show, that suspicious glance at your
second cousin, cutting one brake line and you'd get the bosses job, that
pile of magazines under your bed. Everyone has something bad to hide. This
is my secret, if you have a problem with it, I don't blame you, I think
it's wrong too, but I can't help it. Especially when blonde tussled hair,
blue eyes, and perfect tanned skin runs past you laughing in an
irresistible way. It's a strange thing, thinking this way. Every glance
every smile you think, `maybe he is', but that's what people do, they look
around, they smile at people to be friendly. But when you get infatuated
like this, you take every opportunity to think that maybe you do have a
chance, that maybe it is worth it.

The scream of the bell wailed across the school, finally lunch. It's not
that I hate class, or work, or anything like that. I just love lunch.
Eating, talking to friends, it's all so much better than quietly trying to
talk to people in the class room, and trying to secretly eat a mint. It was
a good day, blue skies, fresh scent of grass, trees and nature, the sun
radiating. It was one of those days that have a feeling, a happy clean
feeling that hits you again when ever another like it comes around, and you
can't help yourself but smile about it.

So, my friends and I were sitting on the grass on the oval enjoying the
weather, talking about nothing in particular. Everyone was in their own
little conversations, leaving me and Cameron to chat.

"What time you showing up tonight?" I asked Cameron, we always planned
sleepovers on Friday.

He rolled over onto his stomach, "What ever time, I'll probably just catch
the bus back to your place." He started plucking out grass.

"Cool, I'll probably have to stop somewhere to get dinner on the way." I
usually had to make dinner because my parents were always so busy.  Not to
brag but I think I got quite good at it because of that.

"Kk," He laughed, "I've got all my stuff in my bag so we're all fine."

I always liked Cam, he was the person who was always there for me, no
matter what he would stick up for me. Which was good because of his big
stature, he was always able to stick up for me from anyone. I also stuck up
for him too, using my smarts to help him out, because he isn't the
brightest bulb he gets stuck in situations that he needs someone to help
him weasel out of. I hoped that we could be friends forever.

>From lunch the day just flew by, having art and drama in the afternoon, my
afternoons always fly by. Then it's the hassled bus ride home, usually no
seats, people playing up, a smell that could knock out a rhino. This was
one of those times with no seats left, except for the one next to Connor. I
tried not to get close to him or talk to him, we are really good friends
but since I started feeling weird towards him I've started backing
away. But because of my seat-less situation I summed up some courage and
sat next to him.

"Hi." His voice melted through my ears and pierced my brain.  "How was your
day?"

My voice cracking, "Uh, it was, good." I tried a smiled that I don't think
worked.

Cam, sitting behind me, piped in, "Yo can't wait till we get back to your
place, I can show you my new peacemaker DVD." Peacemaker was our favourite
anime, and we usually watched them a lot when he came over.

"Peacemaker?" Connor said, "I love that! I didn't think anyone else watched
it." I had no idea Connor liked the same shows as me, I always figured him
as a sports watcher.

"No shit?" Cam being a master with words exclaimed, "You should come watch
them with us tonight, I'm sure Aaron wont mind." My eyes were wide with
disbelief. Did Cam just do that?

"Do you Aaron?" Cam repeated.

I swallowed hard, "No, what do I care?" My brain swelled, why did I say
that? I don't want him in my house with the way I feel.

"Cool," Connor smiled, "I'll txt you to say if I can or not." He put his
number into my phone. Even though I was feeling very nervous about all
this, I had to feel kinda good that Connor had my number and I had his.

The rest of the ride home Connor and Cam talked about their favourite parts
in the show, and I just tried to listen to my Walkman, trying to relax
about what was happening. I mean I couldn't help but think that maybe he
does think I'm, I dunno, cute? I kept thinking maybe I should tell him
about these weird feeling I have. I mean what could it hurt? I wondered if
people finding out about this was so bad. Would they really care?  Would
everyone disown me?  All these questions kept winding through my brain as
my music played, and before I knew it, it was Cam, Connors, and my stop. We
got off and the bus sped away leaving us in a cloud of brown dust.

"Well," Connor spoke first, "I'll probably see you later tonight." I let
out a little half smile.

"Cool," Cam sounded very excited about it, "we'll see you then."

Cam and I walked around the town for a bit, then went into a supermarket,
bought some chicken and flat bread to make burritos with, some chips and
soft drinks and other nibbles to eat while watching dvds. We paid for it
all then started on our way home.

We were just laughing and joking on the way when Cam just flat out asked,
"What was with you on the bus?" I lost the joy in my face when he asked.

"I dunno. I just haven't talked to Connor for a while. I felt a bit
awkward. Why'd you have to invite him anyway?"

He picked up a stick and held it against a fence as he walked. It made that
annoying rattling noise.  "I just thought you'd like to catch up with him
is all. Anyway you said you didn't care if he came over."  That was true, I
did say I didn't care, but that was more me acting out of panic. But maybe
I did just want to tell him, everything that far pointed to me doing it.

Like most homes in my town, mine was in the middle of trees and gardens and
most of all mud. This is why when I got home I had to clean all the mud off
me and my clothes.

Cam couldn't stop laughing, "It was so funny, and it was like watching it
in slow mode. First you were walking then you said, hey race you there,
then you fell straight away, didn't even get one step in." he kept
laughing.

"Shut up." I threw my muddy shirt at him as I left my room to have a
shower, I heard him complain then turn the TV on. We were always able to
Joke around like that and not get angry with each other, and I think that's
the reason we were friends for so long. I couldn't help thinking about why
it was not Cameron who I felt for, as I turned the hot water on and had my
shower.  I finished put on some nice clothes and deodorant - the best ones
I had ready for Connor – and went back to my room. Cam was watching some
kids program TV.

"Dude," I threw my towel into the washing basket, "Why don't you play the
Playstation or something, instead of insulting your intelligence."  I
passed him one of the controllers and turned on my favourite racing game.

"So uh, do you think that Connor will show?" Cameron said.  Eyes still
fixed to the screen.

"I dunno." I tried not to sound too interested but the interest I did feel
just leaked out.

Cameron let out a victory shout as he won the first race.  "You sound
pretty pumped up to see him man." I just rolled my eyes at him. He kept
going, "If I didn't know any better I'd say you had a little man crush on
him."

I put my controller down, "Stop being an idiot." Cam kept playing, and I
went to the kitchen to start dinner.

We were just finishing the last o our burritos, when my phone rang. At
first I pretended it wasn't ringing, but Cameron picked it up, pressed the
answer button and put it against my ear.

"Hello" I heard from the other end of the line. "Aaron?"

My heart missed a beat, "Hi Connor."

"Hey man! Mum says I can go anywhere I like tonight." He laughed in that
soul relieving way. "So I'll see you in like twenty minutes."

"Cool, see you then." He hung up. I put my phone down and cleaned up the
dishes we dirtied as Cameron kept watching the Simpsons. I had twenty
minutes to psych myself up so I didn't seem like a blithering idiot when
Connor showed up. I went outside to clear my head, near the tree on the
front lawn. I go there to clear my head, from it I can see the lower part
of the valley I live in, and on clear nights the sky, that cold endless
void, so empty and alone. Tonight was no exception, but it still felt good
to be there and I forgot about all the nerves I had. The cold air made me
feel alive, it was like jumping into a crystal clear lake at night, you
feel good, you feel healthy, and you really feel just alive.

I was just sitting on the lawn looking out at the sky when I heard a voice.

"Aaron, whacha doing?" Connor was standing on my driveway. I must of lost
track of time.

"Just looking at the stars." I tried to look as innocent as possible.

"Mind if I join you?" He sat next to me. Really I would have preferred to
go inside so then Cam could be there to lighten up the situation. Connor
looked at me in a weird way, "You seemed strange on the bus this afternoon?
What's wrong man? You haven't talked to me in ages."

This was my chance to tell him, I felt so scared and I just wanted to run
away, but I couldn't, I knew I would kick myself forever if I didn't say it
now.

"Connor."

"Yeah?"

"I think I love you."

"...Oh."


Don't worry there is more to come. But please send me an email tell me what
you think, criticism welcome - hell_mancer@hotmail.com