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"I am Adaen. I was recently in a very volatile situation and not for the first time. Honestly, this is like the sixth thing but this was definitely the worst and the worst part is..." I paused, "The worst part is that it was my fault."
"You feel that you brought these situations into being?" Dr. Rice, my therapist, asked.
"You're not listening. I caused all of this." I said, tears forming in my eyes.
Chapter 49: Karma
Adaen: This situation wasn't made and became my problem...I created it. When I was good, bad things happened...when I'm bad worse things happen...
"You're moving back to your house?" Jennifer asked.
I threw some clothes in my suitcase, "I need to be there." I said quickly, "Thank you for everything."
"I really wish you'd stay. I'm going to be here all by myself and after being tied up, there's just a lot of stuff I don't want to do by myself." Jennifer said, hugging me, "You're still my number one friend, bestie."
I smiled, "My brother's future wife just got massacred. A very disturbed guy is dead. Two teenage girls are dead. I think this war...this war is over." I frowned.
"We won." Jennifer said quickly.
"You're right, but what did we win?" I asked.
"Nobody'll ever forget us." Jennifer smiled, "Nobody'll forget you."
"I can't figure out if that's a good thing or bad." I said, looking over to the repaired glass door leading to the balcony, "I hope I can forget."
Adaen: ...Because of me people are dead. Two girls the age of my little cousin. A misguided and deranged man. And worst of all, my sister-in-law...
I sat my bags down at my room and looked down the hall, to my brother's door. I knew my mother must be inside, hovering above him. I didn't know what to say. Everything had spun out of control and here I was, once again. Standing outside my own room, looking at another closed door. I would never be the same. I didn't want anyone's forgiveness. They had all done equally bad things to me. I did want something more than I had been settling for lately. I walked over to the door and opened it. Mom was sitting beside the bed, talking to Eric. Eric noticed me at the same time as Mom.
"So, you're moving back in?" Eric asked.
"Eric, I'm so sorry about..."
"Don't." Eric said.
"It wasn't..." Mom started.
"Yeah, it was." I frowned, "Janet..."
"Get out." Eric said, shocking me.
"What?" I asked.
"Leave. Get out of my room!" Eric shouted.
I nodded and stepped out.
Mom stepped out after me, "He doesn't...like to hear her name." she said.
"I'm sleepy." I said, heading to my room.
"Maybe you can talk to Hope. Those girls were her friends." Mom said.
"Maybe." I said, hiding in my room. I walked over and sat my phone on the counter. I had set it to silent. The local news stations kept calling, along with my former friends. They'd been out of town at the time of the murders. I walked over and stood by my window, looking out onto the lawn. I saw Marco walking up. I paused. I knew this was the first of many conversations.
Adaen: This guilt that I'm feeling...it's not misplaced. It's real. It's not tangible but it's damn near unbearable.
"I like the phone." Marco said nervously, "HTC infuse?"
"Inspire." I smiled.
"Sorry, I'm just a little..."
"Nervous?" I asked, "I get that."
"We went on vacation. Mexico. We were going to ask you if you wanted to go, but we figured you wouldn't want to go with us." Marco said, "We all missed you."
"I'm sure." I chuckled.
"We all still miss you." Marco said, "Me especially."
"What are you saying?" I asked, "Don't say things like that."
"It's the truth."
"We can't go there." I frowned, "We can't ever go there again."
"I hear about Oz." Marco said, "He turned himself in...no doubt your influence."
"No. His own." I said.
"Are we still at war? I mean after everything, are we..."
"No. War's over. People were murdered. Boundaries crossed. It's over." I said, "Now ask me how I feel about it."
"So you forgive everyone?" Marco asked.
"Yes, but I don't forget any of it." I said.
Marco leaned in and kissed me. I didn't fight it. It felt so good, so real. I kissed him back.
"Can you honestly say you don't want this too?" Marco asked.
I looked at him, wondering what I would say next. How I would refute this when I knew everything he said was right. I wanted this more than he could ever know.
"I can't believe it." Hannah said, walking down the street with Kendall, "I mean...too many people were murdered."
"Maybe we should send him flowers or something." Kendall said, "Can't say I'm surprised that he survived."
"Me either." Hannah smiled, "I heard he moved out of Jennifer's house and he's back home."
"That's progress." Kendall chuckled, "I'm glad. I mean, Jennifer is a bitch."
"I hope Christina finds something on her. I would love to nail her ass to the wall." Hannah said quickly.
"Look at you." Kendall said, "Why Hannah, you do surprise me."
"I miss the relationship I had with him." Hannah said, "Don't get me wrong, you guys are awesome, but I miss him."
"We've all done bad things. To him. To each other." Kendall frowned.
"Yeah, we...wait, what?" Hannah asked, "What did we do to each other?"
"And if he's back home, maybe he's approachable." Kendall said.
"When has he ever been approachable?" Hannah asked.
"True." Kendall smirked, "I think it's time to do something I should have done a long time ago."
"Like what?" Hannah asked.
Adaen: Sometimes, when I concentrate real hard, I can calculate the exact second I lost myself. The exact second I started all of this and it tears me apart for that whole duration. It's like an eternity and the second after that...it's the worst because I survived that moment. I survived a moment when someone else died.
I walked into Eric's room and stood by the door. He was sobbing on the opposite side of the bed. I hadn't seen him cry so much since...his pet hamster died. I hadn't seen him in such a vulnerable state. It was disheartening. This man who protected me at my worst was now bawling and suffering within the silence of his own room. Tears began to start running down my face as I stood by the door. There was no words, nothing that could let him know how sorry I was. This war, this huge war that I waged had taken things from the people I loved, stuff that can't be given back.
"No words can ever express how sorry I am." I said softly.
His sobbing stopped.
"You protected me and I never meant for you to...lose anything. I liked Janet."
"Don't you dare say her!" Eric shouted, "This is your fault."
"If I had known that they were psychos, I wouldn't have pushed..."
"But you did! You played with people's lives and you caused everything. You should be dead instead of J-j-..."
"You don't mean that." I frowned.
"The hell I don't! You're nothing but a spoiled brat. I have never cared if you were gay or straight, but since you came out, you've been on a spiral. And I'm supposed to be happy that you're home and on your meds?! Screw you. Any sympathy I had for you died with her in that apartment." Eric said angrily.
I nodded and turned to the door to see Hope. She looked sympathetic for once in her life. I left the room and Hope close the door and walked behind me.
"Adaen." Hope said, "He's really mad right now."
I began to chuckle, which burst into a laughter. I laughed so hard that there were tears in my eyes. When I finally stopped, Hope looked totally shocked.
"I'm sorry, I'm just having a really bad week." I said, trying to reign myself in.
"So, you laugh? You picked this moment to laugh?" Hope asked, "Are you sure you're on your medicine?"
"Don't ever ask me that, please." I smiled.
"Are you going to be alright?" Hope asked.
"I think he's the first person to tell me the truth." I said, walking away.
Adaen: I think that was the first part of myself shining through. He's my mirror and always has been. My friends and family are mirrors for me. I could say that everyone else is broken. My mirrors have been broken, each in their own way for so long.
"You should see him." Harry said.
Harry was sitting in his bed, at his and Hannah's home. Hannah found herself in a daze but snapped out of it at his voice.
"No. No, he's going through a lot." Hannah said.
"Maybe it's time that you be his friend again." Harry said.
"Do we really need him?"
"I don't know about me, but I do know that you need him. He's your friend." Harry said.
Adaen: Some of my friends were broken when I met them and some of them really were a mirror of me. Broken...distracted. Some of my friends have always been stronger and better friends than they've let on...
Christina sat across from Leslie, who smirked at her.
"Are telling me the truth?" Christina asked.
"What do you think?" Leslie asked.
"I don't know, you look like a psycho lying bitch. You smell like one." Christina said.
Leslie chuckled, "Listen, Jennifer set everything up. She was just as mad at him as I was and she's actually brilliant." She smirked.
Adaen: I think that's our time Doc. I have something that I really need to do. Something that I've always wanted to do. Something I was born to do.
I waited at the door. This was what I was waiting for. I had been afraid to say everything before. I had been afraid of this for a long time. As I stood outside, waiting, I couldn't help but feel energized. The door opened and Marco looked at me, surprised. He looked shocked before he even answered the door.
I walked in past him and turned to him at the door, "Look. I know I said everything wrong. I did everything wrong. I want you. I need you and at that point, I didn't know how to just say that. I do now. I have to just say it. I..."
I turned and my jaw dropped to the floor.
Julie stood before me, "Oh my gosh, I missed you!" she said, latching onto me.
- To Be Continued -
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