Date: Wed, 25 Nov 1998 17:03:38 -0800
From: strilo1@yahoo.com or tcns@hotmail.com
Subject: Falling in Love - Chapter 3

"So anyway, we finished up the biology stuff and I, well, hehe, I asked
him out," I grinned sheepishly.

"Whoa dude, alright!!" Aaron exclaimed.  "That really cool.  You two are
really cute together. Wow, I cannot believe I just said that.  Talk
about weird!"

We both laughed.  As Aaron parked at the school we grabbed our bags and
headed to our lockers

"Anyway, I am really happy for you two, I hope it works.  Well, better
than me and Kirsten anyway," he said, wincing.

"Hey now, I told you I turned her down for a reason," I joked.  Seeing
he was really bummed about it, I quickly changed gears.  "Hey look, I
just, she does not seem right for you, ya know?  I mean, you are smart
and funny and well, you deserve better."

"How so?" Aaron asked, holding the door open for me.

"Thanks.  Well, look, Kirsten is cool and all, and she definitely is hot
but she is not funny, she seems a bit shallow to me and well, she does
not come off very bright if you know what I mean."

"Yeah maybe you are right.  I just feel alone.  I mean, I have had
several great girlfriends but none of them really fit me, ya know? 
Maybe I am being dumb."

"No Aaron, you are being you.  Look if you are not happy with someone
then that's that.  You need someone you ARE happy with.  You wanna grab
breakfast real quick before first period?"

"Sure," Aaron answered.  We walked to the cafeteria, making small talk
on the way.  I ordered a bagel with cream cheese and Aaron got a
cinnamon roll.  We sat down at our usual table, strangely none of our
usual group of friends was there.  Taking advantage of the privacy, I
decided to talk to Aaron about something I had been thinking about
lately.

"Aaron what are you doing tonight?"

"Uhh, homework's all I got.  Nothing else, why?"

"Well because Shane and Keith are coming over tonight, and it's Thursday
night, so mom and dad will be gone until 10 at Bible study.  So I was
thinking about telling them that, you know, telling them... The Secret."

"The secret?" Aaron asked.

"God you are tired in the morning. You know, MY secret?  The one
involving Jake?"

"OH yeah," Aaron smiled.  "THAT secret.  You have so many I lost track."

"Funny. Well I am getting kinda tired of hiding about this.  It is so
much work and it not worth it anymore.  Besides I could use some friends
to talk to about it."

"OK well, I will be there, but are you sure this is a good idea?  I mean
Shane of course will be cool with it,  but Keith??  Mr. Senior Class
President??  Mr. Sunday School Teacher??  He might not be too thrilled
with it."

"Yeah true, but if he is my friend he will at least accept me right?"

"Yeah if he thinks that much, he IS a football player ya know," Aaron
joked.

"Yeah I know," I sighed and licked my lips hungrily.

Aaron laughed.

"Oooh stop it you turn me on," he breathed.

"I know, that's why I do that."

"You stud, I am gonna do you right here on this table," Aaron smiled. 
He just happened to say this as Gabe Sloan walked by.  He is the only
person I know who does not joke lightly about stuff like this.  He
actually gets all defensive and totally uncomfortable anytime someone
makes a joke about anything gay.  His eyes went round and he sped up,
walking out of the cafeteria.  Aaron and I collapsed in fits of
laughter.

"Oh my god. You could not have timed that better," I laughed.

"I totally saw him walking by and did that just to annoy him," Aaron
admitted.

"Oh fine, ruin the spontaneous moment." I said, standing up to go.

"Oooh ten points for you Todd Hunter, you JUST used the vocab word of
the day, 'spontaneous.'"

I laughed.  The bell rang as we were walking back to our lockers, so we
grabbed our books and headed off to our separate classes.

			 *     *     *     *     *

"Hey man, stop hogging the chips."

"I'm eating here... Look, Todd said help ourselves, so I am!"

"Yeah well, I wouldn't mind getting some chips before you inhale them
all, ok asshole?"

"Whoa ok, girls," I interrupted.  "Shane, go sit in the corner; Keith, you
go sit on Aaron's lap."

We all laughed.  Shane, Keith, Aaron and I were all hanging out in my
room, munching on tortilla chips while supposedly working on English
homework.  We all have the same teacher, Shane and Aaron have her 3rd
period and Keith and I have her 7th.

"Hey while we are taking a break," I started.  "I wanna talk to you guys
about something."

"OK," Aaron said, smiling at me.

As I sat there, I thought nervously.  Should I do this?  I mean, what if
they get mad or whatever.  What if I lose my friends or they tell people
at school?  What if-

"Todd?" Shane asked.  "You ok man?"

"Yeah hey look," I said looking at the floor.  "I already told Aaron
this, but you guys are my best friends and I--I want you to know."

I looked up and all three of them were looking intently at me.  I stood
up and began pacing around my room.

"Look I--I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and then some things
changed in my life and I, well, I think I am gay; no, I know I am gay."

I stopped pacing and looked first at Keith and then at Shane.  Both
looked very surprised.  Keith opened his mouth, then shut it, then
opened it again.

"Wow," Shane started.  "Umm, ok.  You sure about this?"

"Yeah, pretty sure--"

"OK man, I am cool with this," Shane said.  "Wow, it's a little weird
and all...  OK then what was all that stuff about Dena?  You know, how
you felt real bad when she stood you up and stuff?"

"Well, I wanted to hang out with her, just a friends I guess.  But all
you guys were all 'Oh you guys would make a great couple' so then it
turned into a date and stuff.  And when she no showed, it really did
bother me.  I guess I felt let down.  Like maybe, I dunno like she knew
I was gay or something and didn't want to be around me."

"Dude why would anyone not want to be around you now?" Shane asked.

"I dunno--" I suddenly realized that Keith still had not said anything. 
"Keith you ok with this?"  

He jumped and looked up like someone had shocked him.

"What?? Oh, uhhh--" He stood up and writhed his hands, not making eye
contact with anyone in the room.  "Well, I don't know... it is... Look, I--"

"What, you feel it's wrong and you hate him?" Aaron said edgily.

"What???  No, I--I look Todd, I don't want you to think I am a bad person,
and I--I don't hate you, it's just... I--I gotta go."

He walked past me and out the door of my bedroom.  As I turned back to
look at Aaron, a feeling of dread in my stomach, I heard the front door
to the house close.

"Todd are you ok?"  Aaron asked.

"Yeah sure, I am fine--" I lied.  I could feel my face burning and
fought to hold back the tears I could feel trying to force their way out
of my eyes.  Shane grabbed my arm and forced me to look at him.

"Look, Todd.  Aaron and I -- We both think this is ok, ok??  This may take
some getting used to, but, well, you are still the same person I have
known since 7th grade.  You know?"

"Yeah," I sniffled.  "But what if Keith really is not ok with this?  I
mean, he is one of my best friends."  The tears started to flow now. 
"What if he tells other people at school?  I don't want anything to get
ugly."

Shane pulled me close and gave me a hug.  I don't think Shane had ever
hugged me before.  I stood there for a second before I put my arms
around him and stopped fighting the tears and just cried.

			 *     *     *     *     *

"So then Shane hugged me and everything was cool."

"Wow that is cool," Jake said.  "But what about Keith?"

"Well, I dunno," I said.  "He left and once Aaron and Shane left, I
called you."

"Oh, ok.  Wow I can't believe you told people," Jake said.

"Yeah it feels really weird, but good, ya know?  I mean now I can talk
to Aaron and Shane about stuff and don't have to hide or pretend
anything.  I can gush about how cute you are."

Jake laughed.  "Whatever."  Just then the phone beeped.

"Hey Jake, hang on I got another call," I said, switching over. 
"Hello?"

"Uh, yeah is Todd there?"

"Yeah this is Todd."

"Todd it's Keith,  I need to... can we meet somewhere?"

"Yeah hang on a sec," I said, switching back to Jake.  "Hey Jake, it's
Keith, I am gonna talk to him ok?"

"Oh, ok, good luck.  Tell me how it goes."

"I will, bye."

"Bye."  I switched back over.

"Keith?"

"Yeah, I'm here."

"OK you wanna meet like at the park down the street?"

"Sure."

"OK see you in a few minutes."

We hung up.  I took a deep breath, trying to calm my heart which was
beating heavily in my chest.  I grabbed my coat and told my mom I was
going for a walk.  I walked down the road and got to the park.  Walking
over to the Jungle Gym, I found Keith already there, sitting on one of
the two tire swings.  I sat on the other.

"Heya," I said.

"Hi," Keith said looking at the dirt.  "Look, Todd, this is not easy for
me.  I mean, I am sorry for leaving like that, I just felt, I dunno,
like I could not breathe."

"Hey it's ok man, this is not exactly an easy thing for anyone to deal
with.  Especially me."

"Look Todd.  You know I am a Christian and stuff.  And I am supposed to
think that, well, you know, being gay is wrong right? But I am not sure
how I feel now.  This is totally confusing me."

"I know.  Keith look, this is ME.  Think about my family.  I mean my Dad
was a Pastor for a while remember?  I have been thinking about this
stuff a lot too.  But see, I know I am gay.  As far back as I can
remember, I knew it.  Even in like 3rd grade I knew.  I honestly think I
was always this way, and I refuse to believe that God made me wrong.  I
mean, I still believe in God and stuff but I think maybe, I dunno, I am
not saying the Bible is wrong, but I can't believe God would create me
this way if it was wrong."

"It's not just is this right or wrong that is bothering me about this,"
Keith said.  "I also... I need to talk to YOU about something that all
this has dredged up again."  He looked me straight in the eye.  "Todd
I-- <sigh>  Look, I have fooled around a few times with another guy
and,  I mean, I am not really sure that I am gay, but I just...  when you
told us all that, I totally panicked and thought about myself and what I
did and, I mean I feel awful about it -- like guilty."

"You feel guilty? Why?"

"Well, cuz I am so involved in my church and stuff.  And,.well, the
first time I did it, I was at church camp."

I could not help it, I burst out laughing.

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to laugh, Keith,"  I tried to get serious
again.  "It's just -- church camp -- it's kind of like the most unlikely
place I would imagine that happening."

Keith chuckled to himself.

"Yeah I guess it is a little weird."

We both sat there in silence for a while.  Finally Keith spoke up.

"Todd, look, You are still my friend and stuff.  And I won't tell anyone
or anything.  I mean this may take some time for me to sort out and
stuff, but hopefully we are still friends?"

"Oh yeah I will try my best.  And of course I won't say anything about
the stuff we talked about either."

We both got off the tire swings and I stuck my hand out to shake his. 
He grabbed my hand and shook it, then pulled me in and hugged me.  I
could hear he was crying a little.

"Thanks Todd."

"No problem, Keith."

We walked out of the park together, then said goodbye as I walked
towards my house and he towards his.  I was really starting to feel
better about this whole mess.  Maybe it wasn't so bad.  After all, three
of my friends now knew I was gay and I had someone I was dating.  Things
were looking pretty good.

		    **********************************

As before, any constructive input on the story is welcome.  More to follow
soon.  New installments may take a bit as the holidays are approaching and
I am gonna be busy.  Thanks to everyone so far who has given me feedback.
I really appreciate it and will continue to listen to it.  :-)

Email me at strilo1@yahoo.com or tcns@hotmail.com