Date: Mon, 06 Mar 2006 14:14:26 -0700 From: Samuel Forte' III Subject: finding andrew-chapter 20 ** This story is a true story, telling of people and events that have taken place in the last three to four years. I have the consent of the others who are involved to use them, but no last names will be used for privacy reasons. This story will focus around two people as they stumble upon each during high school and find themselves falling for one another. They are able to survive the trials, tribulations, and difficulties that are thrown at them and from each other until everything comes to an abrupt end...All rights to this story are mine (lol well it is based on MY experiences) so no copying or publishing without my consent!** Finding Andrew Chapter 20 - An Emotional Overload (Tim and Mario) I started to regress socially as the week went on. The most you could get out of me was a one word answer. At that point, I had decided to take a promotion at my job and cut back schooling to part-time. My thinking was that an increased work load would keep me busy and not leaving me to think about things so much. The next ten days weren't that eventful. I was working 40 plus hours, and had just started taking 7 credit hours. I didn't have time to do anything which was just the way I wanted it. CJ and Paul avoided talking to me at work. Why not when I wasn't going to say anything back? Mike talked to me sparingly since its hard to have a conversation with one person talking. And I wouldn't even talk to Justin. I had quit wrestling and cut ties with him...with all my friends for that matter. I got to the point where I was content with being alone. My emotions started to shut down altogether. The only way to tell I was alive and functioning was through a pulse...it was faint, but it was still there. One person lost in all of this was Tim. He watched from a distance as I had this big metamorphosis. I once used to be the guy that would talk to a stranger. I had become a loner. Never wanting anyone to get close to me... scared that they would get hurt or hurt me in the process. The third week in February, I decided to go back to wrestling...not to face the past, but to take my mind off of things even further. Besides video games, wrestling would be a good opportunity to keep my mind sharp. Having to put so much focus into it let me know that there wouldn't be any room for distractions. My first night back was very emotional. I got the sense that many were not thrilled to see me back. I thought it was from keeping in touch with them. Nonetheless, I felt butterflies in my stomach as I awaited my match. I was nervous for many reasons. The biggest was not knowing if I would be able to handle being in the ring. That alone had me thinking long and hard. When my opponent's theme song hit, I knew I had to focus. My new theme song blared into the speakers as I made my way to the ring: Gifts and Curses by Yellowcard. I especially picked this song out for reasons that can be seen once you read into the words. My attire ring attire had changed to fit my new found isolation from the rest of the world. Now I wore all black (t-shirt, jeans, and shoes...the only non-black thing I wore was a white elbow brace on my arm). Only those close to me knew why, but it was obvious to those that knew what had been going on in my head for the last couple of weeks... Gifts and Curses by Yellowcard Mary belongs to the words of the song I try to be strong for her Try not to be wrong for her But she will not wait for me anymore, anymore Why did I say all those things before, I was sure She is the one (But I have a purpose) She is the one (And I have to fight this) She is the one (A villain I can't knock down) I see your face with every punch I take And every bone I break, its all for you And my worst pains are words I cannot say Still I will always fight on for you Mary's alive in the bright New York sky The city lights shine for her Above them I cry for her Everything's small on the ground below, down below What if I fall then where would I go, would she know She is the one (All that I wanted) She is the one (And I will be haunted) She is the one (This gift is my curse for now) I see your face with every punch I take And every bone I break, its all for you And my worst pains are words I cannot say Still I will always fight on for you I see your face with every punch I take And every bone I break, its all for you And my worst pains are words I cannot say Still I will always fight on for you, fight on for you, fight on for you Making my way to the ring the crowd was completely silent. They saw how close I was to him...well maybe not fully, but they knew that we were really good friends. I was able to concentrate and put on a good show. I came out with the win and used Andrew's finisher to boot. After the 3 count, the crowd erupted and gave me a standing ovation. I broke down in tears in the ring as I slumped down to my feet. Justin came out of the back to help pull me to my feet. He pulled me into a hug and at that moment, I felt something I hadn't felt in a long time: the fact that someone really DOES care. I smiled for the first time in a long time. As we made our way to the back, I still got the silent treatment. It was really starting to bug me and I needed to know what exactly was going on. "Justin, why won't anybody talk to me? I've been getting nothing but dirty looks tonight." Justin advised me to sit down. We made our way outside and sat on the sidewalk. "Look Sam. Things have really changed around here. You know that Scott (a guy that I trained) and Ben (we had good matches in the past) will have your back no matter what. I will as always of course..." "Then what is it? They act like I'm a...ghost..." And then it dawned on me. I knew what happened. Justin saw the look on my face and nodded. Only three people knew about me and those would be Justin, Mario, and his brother Mike (not to be confused with my co-worker). I knew who did it. I made my way back inside to hunt him down. I searched high and low, but couldn't find him anywhere. I was ready to give up and had made my way to my car. As I was getting in, I heard the door reopen. I looked back and saw that it was him. He stopped in his tracks when he saw me headed his direction. It was cold and chilly that night, but I could feel the heat burn within. It felt so strong inside and I had no idea how I was going to react. He tried to run back inside, but the door was locked. He took off in the opposite direction, but I grabbed the back of his coat. I felt the strength of a hundred men as I slung him full force into the ground. His head bounced off the ice as he looked back into my face with the same look I had seen at the funeral: one of fear. "Why can't you just disappear out of my life? Do you have to keep ruining what little I have left?" I asked angered. I had years of pent up frustration from Mario and this time I let it all out. "I have bent over backwards to be friends with you. After you and your friends jumped Andrew. After you tried to get him out of life by convincing him to kill himself...what next? Do you want to kill me? HUH? IS THAT WHAT IT IS? I'm right here! Just put me out of my misery!" I pulled him up by his neck and dropped to my knees in front of him. "Do it Mario. I'm tired of playing games with you. As long as I'm alive, you're going to cause me nothing but pain. Just fucking end it!" He stood there in silence as I started to yell out into the air. Justin came running out of the building and tackled me to the ground as I rose to my feet. I had enough of Mario. Everything that he had done to me in the last 5 years started to run through my mind. Justin struggled to keep me down, but eventually I broke free. He again rushed to try and take me down. I shoved him away as he skidded along the ice. I slowly made my way over to Mario who refused to look anywhere, but at his shoes. "Sam...you don't know how sorry I am. I didn't want things to be like this." He whispered. I walked beside him and looked straight ahead. I couldn't look at him. It was the only way that I could keep myself from doing something that I would regret. "I don't want your apologies...Just hearing your voice makes me sick. I just want you to promise me one thing. For all the crap you've done, I just want one thing." "Anything you want." "Why? Why do you keep doing this to me? And why did you out me to the guys?" He stood in silence for a few minutes. I got no answer. That was all I needed to know. I started to walk off leaving him standing alone in the cold. Justin was leaned up against the wall as I made my way back to my car. Before we got in the car, Mario was able to find a way to get his feelings out. "Now you see how I feel." He yelled into the night. I was going to pay him no mind, but he kept talking. "Ever since you rejected me, you left me with a big hole in my heart. It just isn't fair. Why couldn't you give me a chance? I was your best friend, Sam. You turned your back on me. Ever since you met Andrew you treated me like a nobody. Now you see how it feels to be alone. It sucks doesn't it? Too bad. This is the path you wanted and this is what you get. Now you have fun dealing with it." With that he ran off and left me alone with Justin. He got in and we rode in silence. I dropped him off at his house and got a phone call on my cell as I made my way home. I was annoyed because I wasn't in the mood to talk to anybody. I checked the ID and saw it was Tim. I debated answering, but knew that eventually I was going to have to talk to him. Instead of calling back, I opted to shower and sleep. As I stared at the ceiling, Mario's words continued to replay in my head. "Now you see how it feels to be alone. It sucks doesn't it? Too bad. This is the path you wanted and this is what you get. Now you have fun dealing with it." As much as I hated to admit it, he had a point. At times, I did think about how it must have felt to be Mario. To chase after the one person you want to be with and not be able to be with them. It wasn't something that I had fully experienced. When Andrew and I had our two breakups, yes I was hurt by it. But in the back of my head, I had a gut feeling we would always find our way back to one another. Now I had to ask myself the same question that I know Mario had asked himself a billion times: Where do I go from here? Sleep started to take me, but I had made up my mind that I was going to talk to Tim. I at least owed that to him. I couldn't lose anybody else. After getting out of class the next day, I decided to call the Broadmoor store and see if he worked. I got Mike as expected and we chatted for a little bit. I ended up going down there and stayed most of the day once I found that Tim was due to come in at five. Sure enough, he came walking through the door. Once he saw me, his happy face turned to one of anger. "Mike, is it alright if I get a word alone with Tim?" He agreed and let us use the backroom. As soon as we got inside, he stared a hole through my eyes. I wasn't sure what to say now that the ball was in my court. We ended up standing there for a few minutes until he walked by me forcefully. I stood there with my head down. I was so drained that I just sat on the floor and stared across the room. He really did have every right to be mad. I don't have...well I do, but I shouldn't just shut people out of my life. My family, friends both online and in town, co-workers, classmates. The bad thing was that it didn't really matter...there we go with the negativity again. Tim was right behind Justin as a best friend. If anything, I think I could live with myself if I at least had a chance to repair the damage in what was our friendship. I left and stopped at Justin's house to talk. He was surprised to see me being social (lol and so was I) and quickly invited into his room. He could tell I was run down and quickly got the story out of me. One thing that I always like about him is that he was always honest with me. If I was in the wrong, he let me know it...and he did. He advised me to talk to him before the chance would slip away. I ended up going back to the store around closing time. He and Jake were already starting to close down when I walked in. Jake greeted me and Tim stayed silent. When Jake went out to take a smoke break, I walked by Tim and leaned over the counter. "Look. I need to talk to you and no isn't an option." I whispered in his ear. He looked at me and shrugged his shoulders as he started to shut down the registers. I helped clean as they did the stuff they needed to do. After they set the alarm and locked the door, they both headed to Jake's car. I grabbed Tim's arm before he could get out of reach. I had to get things out in the open before the opportunity slipped away. "We need to talk." He yanked his arm away and kept walking with Jake. "Tim, I'm sorry." I yelled out of desperation. I couldn't take losing someone else. "Yeah...you are." And with that I sat on the sidewalk and turned away. It was all I could do not to cry. My feelings were crushed. I sat there on that warm evening staring out into space. I was deep in my thoughts when I felt a cold hand on my shoulder. I looked up to see Tim. It was hard to tell what he was thinking or how he was feeling since his face was blank. I turned to sit next to him as he sat down alongside me and pulled into his shoulder in a friendly matter. Unlike his hands, his body was warm as we sat there. His right arm pulling me close and my head gently resting next to his ribs. "Tim..." "Let me say something first..." "You don't understand..." "You're right. I don't. I wonder why, Sam. I thought we were good friends. I trusted you with telling so many things that bother me. Trouble with my parents. My brother going into the army. I tell you everything. What do I get in return?" "Look, it isn't that I don't trust you..." "Then what is it? Hell, you know everything there is to know and you just keep to yourself. Why can't you open up to me?" "I don't know. Some things just hurt so much..." "That's what I'm here for. That's why your friends are here. To help you with your problems..." "Yea, sure." I said a little angered. I wasn't that naive to know that there was a little non-truth to that. Anybody had a bad coming out experience can tell you that. Not everybody is as cool with things as they may say. "This is exactly what I'm talking about." He said as he stood to walk away. "Yea, just walk out on me like everybody else." He turned back and walked right up to my face. "Is that what you really want? I will if you want it. I know it hurts that Andrew isn't here..." "Tim, please don't do this." "No, I think you need to hear this. The world isn't going to end. You have to keep on living. You'll find other friends..." "I'LL WHAT?" I yelled which caught him by surprise. He backed up as I pushed by him to go to my car. "You can't stay in the past, Sam. You have to move on." He said in a low voice. I had just unlocked the door when he walked up behind me. "Do you think he would want to see you like this?" He asked whispering in my ear. "I'm not in the mood for your psychological bullshit! You don't know anything about him..." "Yea because you act like he is the only friend you have in this world." That comment triggered something deep down inside. I gave him a hard elbow to the stomach which dropped him to the ground. "Maybe he was Tim...you can never understand." He got up angered and shoved me which caused me to fall after my head hit the door. "What is your problem? You act like he was your boyfriend or something..." As soon as those words came out, I punched him in the jaw as hard as I could. From previous talks, I knew that he was a major homophobe. He was always making derogatory jokes towards gays and it used to eat away at me. He would make fun of Andrew, but I could never find it in myself to do anything. The risk far outweighed anything else at that time. In the state of mind I was in that night, I couldn't take it. He staggered back and looked at me in shock. Once he regained himself, he turned around to walk away. This time, I didn't want to stop him. I started my car and drove home. Once in the safety of my room, I fell onto my bed. Within a couple of days, I had screwed up big time. Tim wouldn't want to talk to me, Mario had no desire, and Justin was getting fed up with me. The more I thought about it, the more frustrated I got with my life. What the hell did I do to deserve all of this crap falling around me? I was starting to fade off to sleep when I heard my phone ring. Out of instinct, I picked it up before it would fully wake me up. "Hello?" "...I'm surprised you answered." It was Tim and he sounded pretty upset. "Well that makes two of us..." "I just called to let you know I made it home safe. I figured that..." "Tim..." I burst into tears as he sat on the line not being able to do anything to calm me down. "You deserve so much better from someone like me. I can't be friends with you. I don't want to hurt you." And with that I hung up the phone. He called back, but I turned the phone off and cried myself to sleep. It was tough, but I felt it was best for me...for us. This guy reminded me so much of Andrew physically. On top of that, I had already admitted to myself this was a guy I was attracted to. He had a great personality, yet all of that scared me. I had made a promise to Andrew and I was trying to do my best to keep it. Ever since Andrew died, I had started to look at Tim in a different light. I was scared of being alone for the rest of my life. I was so confused with my thinking and emotions being all over the place. Somehow, I fell asleep... **************************************************************************** Chapter 21: Making a Much Need Friend