Date: Wed, 25 Apr 2007 10:19:59 -0700
From: Samuel Forte' III <fallenangel595@hotmail.com>
Subject: finding andrew-chapter 26

** This story is a true story, telling of people and events that have taken
place in the last three to four years. I have the consent of the others who
are involved to use them, but no last names will be used for privacy
reasons. This story will focus around two people as they stumble upon each
during high school and find themselves falling for one another. They are
able to survive the trials, tribulations, and difficulties that are thrown
at them and from each other until everything comes to an abrupt end...All
rights to this story are mine (lol well it is based on MY experiences) so
no copying or publishing without my consent!**


                         Finding Andrew
           Chapter 26 - Being Honest Inside, Not Out


******************************************************************************

          As most could imagine, so much was running through my head at
that point in time. I really wasn't sure that I could be a lot of help to
Jake. I mean really, I hadn't even sat down to think about just how I was
going to deal with the recent stuff going on in my own life. How could I
possibly help out someone else?

          Justin was a huge help through all of this. The day before flying
out, he forced me to sit down and talk about everything going that was
going on in my head. It was very overwhelming.  That's what made him such a
great friend though. He was able to understand enough to be helpful to my
problems. More than anything else, he was the main guy left that I felt I
could really relate to. Forget all of our differences in regard to the
straight/gay world. He was my best friend and I had no idea how much I
really relied on him to keep myself going.

          My stay in Kansas was very weird. It was the first time seeing
any of the people Jake hung around. He was still hurting very badly. If his
mom's death did any good (not saying that it was a good thing that it had
to happen...I would never say that), it seemed that the relationship
between him and his family changed. Speaking from experience, sometimes
losing someone close makes you see others in another light. The hurt in
losing someone can justify lots of other things really quick.

          I know what you're thinking right now...and I can't do it. I
can't really talk about any of the conversations or the up and downs that
focus around Jake. I gave him my word that I would keep it to myself. And
for the most part, I try to be a man of my word. As some of you have seen,
I'm not the best at it...I do try though.

          Which kind of begs the question why did I even bring going out
there up? Because it has a lot of relevance to some of the events that
finished out 2005. And it also can show just how much of an effect he had
on me and still does. First off, watching him go through the mess of things
he was, you could only have more respect and admiration for him. He was
hurting and very badly at that. But he was able to still do the things he
had to do. He still was going to work and doing a great job much to the
surprise of his co-workers. He still was able to give off the impression in
public that he had everything together and had no troubles in the word. The
things everyone try so hard to do after dealing with a death, he was doing
and it really did seem like he was on the rebound fast. I had been through
a very similar process dealing with Andrew and for the most part, I was
failing all across the board. It seemed that I found nothing but pity for
myself. It seemed like no matter what I did, I was stuck in the same rut
that I'd been in since January. I always was the guy that had some kind of
answer for everything.  When a friend had a problem, they knew they could
come to me. When I talked to total strangers, I could assist them with
their struggles. But for myself, and this problem, I had no answer. It
would be something that I would have to find alone.

****************************************************************************

          Thanksgiving only helped hurt my cause even more. I spent it with
my family and did not say a single word all day. I didn't eat with my
family, and I didn't want to. Again, dwelling in the pity. Jason called
along with some of my other friends, but I was in far from a speaking
mood. To put it blatantly, the only person that could get me to talk that
day was Justin. Not even Jake could get me to talk. I sent him a few texts
and that was that. I ate my food in silence and the darkness of what used
to be my former room. No saying thanks because at that moment, I didn't
have anything to be thankful for. The only thing I really had that mattered
was Justin. That was all.

          Before making my way back to Denver, I stopped at the only place
I was really looking forward to going that day: the cemetery. It was a
windy night, as most are in Colorado during the fall. I remember sitting in
front of Andrew's grave and rubbing my right hand over the name plate.

"Andrew...I miss you so much. You have no idea how much I miss you right
now. Things just aren't the same. I don't know if they ever will be
either..." A started to cry as I thought back on some of the funny times we
had over the years...

*****************************************************************************

          It was a warm summer day as I made the half hour trek during the
summer after my junior year. We planned on playing video games in his room
(and ONLY that honestly...yea, even I didn't believe that when I said it in
my head lol) and just hanging out. His parents were cool with me coming
over, but of course they still didn't know about "us" just yet.  That was a
Tuesday I was looking forward to. Wednesday would have had his brother out
of the house, but my mom was off on Wednesday. That would mean instead of
leaving at 10 in the morning, it would have been closer to 2 in the
afternoon because she would have came up with things for me to do.

          It was just before getting my car or job so I wanted to hang out
with him while I had the time to do so. Football camp would start very
soon. The whole walk over I was giddy with excitement. Just a couple days
into summer and I was able to find a way to see him. And for the most part
it would be in private...something we rarely had. I rung the doorbell to
find Jason answer the door.

"Hey Sam. How goes it?" He asked through a groggy voice. Yea, you could
tell he just woke up.

"Not much. Just figured I'd make the most of the day since I have football
camp starting soon. I'll just be tired everyday once that starts."

"Yea, I heard from lil' bro that you were going out this year. Receiver
right?" For some reason, I couldn't help but laugh and grin at that
word. Teenagers.

"Yea." I said almost with a straight face.

"Geez, what is it with you guys? I swear the two of you are pervs."

"Well if I'm a perv, I get it from you." Andrew yelled out from the top of
the stairs. That got both of our attentions, and a big smile on my face
unknown to Jason. He made his way downstairs wearing only boxers. I'd be
lying if I said that I didn't take in the site. Even though I'd seen him in
that little clothing many times in the locker room, it never got old.

"Umm, Andrew do you always have to walk around like that? It wouldn't kill
you to put some clothes on for once." Jason joked. He did have a point
though. Andrew would do whatever he could to wear less.

"Yea, and you stink too." I chided as Andrew grabbed me into a headlock.

"Ok, knuckleheads. Take it upstairs." Jason laughed as I lifted Andrew up
onto my shoulder.  That's what happened too. I made my way up with both
brothers laughing at the site of Andrew yelling and trying to kick and bite
his way out of my grasp. Once getting into Andrew's room I playfully body
slammed him onto his bed.

"Looks like someone is full of energy today." Andrew said.

"Looks like SOMETHING is full of energy." I laughed back pointing at his
newly formed tent in his boxers. Andrew turned three shades of red.

"Ok, I guess I should probably put some clothes on." He lifted his arm to
smell and quickly put it back down. "And I guess I will take a shower...I
do stink." We both laughed as he gathered some clothes and headed off to
the bathroom. A good idea to take his clothes in there while getting
dressed. Less of a chance of us getting caught up in the moment and Jason
walking in on something that could be awkward.

          He came back fifteen minutes later while I was busy playing his
PS2. I heard him come in, but was in the middle of a boss fight that he'd
been stuck on in Final Fantasy 7 for quite awhile.  It's an rpg for those
of you that haven't heard of it. He could never beat one of the side bosses
even though I walked him through it on the phone many times. He sat in
silence behind me as I started to wear him down. It was starting to get the
best of me as I was down to very few items. I used the last Phoenix summon
I had reviving the other two guys...Cloud in particular. He took a big hit
from Emerald Weapon that filled up his Limit Break bar. Omnislash followed
by quickly skipping everyone else so I could get him to mime was the only
option I had left. Much to Andrew's surprise that did the trick. Andrew's
jaw dropped to the floor as the party celebrated the victory.

"All in a day's work." I laughed as I made a mock motion of relief.

"I've been stuck on that for the last four years. How? Why...this is crap."
I grinned and motioned for him to plug in another controller. He switched
to Madden and there went a few hours of my Buccaneers handing out beatings
to his 49ers. I don't like to brag, but I'm a pretty good football player
when it comes to video games. My knowledge of football carries over very
well into the games. After he quit the first four games, the fifth one was
actually closer. He tried a new gameplan and it was working very well. I
needed to score a touchdown with a minute left to win the game. I had moved
the ball 60 yards to that point which put me at his 22. With no timeouts he
felt the game was in the bag.

"Looks like the almighty Sam is finally going to go down." Even Jason was
interested in seeing if Andrew could pull it off. Neither of them had beat
me to that point. I stayed calm and ignored Andrew's distracting
commentary. With 4 seconds left I scored the game winning touchdown off a
swing pass to the running back. Andrew launched the controller at the door
and fell on his bed in dramatic fashion.

"You can't beat me buddy...not yet." Jason was on the floor laughing
watching Andrew put his head under his pillow and yell in anger that he had
lost once again. When he calmed down, he just looked at me and got a goofy
grin.

"Don't act like you weren't worried. I know you were shaking."

"Never. Nerves of steel bud. Nerves of st..." I didn't get to finish
because I got hit in the mouth with a pillow. That led to an all out pillow
fight between the three of us.  As always, Andrew was in the losing end and
ended up on his back being tickled until he could hardly breath. Good
times...

*****************************************************************************

          It was pouring rain in Denver as we both had just locked up the
locker room at the conclusion of wrestling. We were the last ones there,
but we were so sore that any of "those" thoughts of each other were far in
the back of head. More of just being really good friends. I unlocked the
passenger door for him as he quickly ducked his way into the car. I put our
bags in the trunk and then and debated about leaving right away or just
hanging around Denver. Andrew could read my thoughts as I got in and
started the car.

"Why don't we grab a bite to eat? I can tell you're really tired. It will
let you wind down some."  He was right. But I really wanted to be in a nice
warm bed and try to fight off the flu. I thought about it for a couple of
seconds.

"Where?"

"I know that you like IHOP. We could go there." Andrew didn't like it as
much as me. That was him trying to pick me up. I was really exhausted, but
liked the gesture.

"Ok. Just call your parents and make sure it's ok." He called as I made my
way over to the closest one. He gave me a thumbs up letting me know that
his parents were fine with it. Once we got there we headed inside to find a
lot of teens. That was typical during the week in Colorado Springs. Seemed
that most would hang out there during the week since there wasn't much of a
nightlife. I thought it would be different in Denver...wrong. It didn't
dawn on me that it was teens at the time. We sat in the most isolated area
we could find. No one sitting behind us, but there was a group of 8 sitting
across from us. I coughed and dropped my head down on the table feeling
like I was going to pass out. Andrew rubbed my head letting me know that he
felt my pain.

"Sam, it looks like you're in a lot of pain. Sorry to keep you out late."

"It's not a problem. Better with you than being home alone." I was
wondering about that thought. A bed DID sound even better than it did 20
minutes ago. It slipped my mind as our waiter brought out our food. A ham
and cheese omelet for me along with a side of banana pancakes and scrambled
eggs. Andrew had blueberry pancakes along with sausage, scrambled eggs, and
hash browns. I didn't make a comment, but I saw that our waiter was a young
guy just like us. I also noticed that he was checking out Andrew...and not
even being discreet about it! I gave him a questioning look and all he
could do was smile back.  Somehow Andrew didn't notice.

          Somehow we got on the topic of how his second swim season was
going and all the pain and aches were forgotten. We had a nice conversation
as we ate our dinner.  It was something that Andrew and I had not gotten a
chance to do much. He was always busy with swimming practice and vice versa
with my job. Wrestling did make it where we were around each other more,
but Justin was always around. We were finding it harder to have time to
ourselves.

"So...Sam, have you decided what you're going to do about college?" It was
a topic that Andrew nor I brought up much. This was during my senior year,
so you would figure that I would be all for making the big decision before
the summer.

"I don't know Andrew. I really want to go to UNLV, but..."

"But what? I would totally understand if you went. I know you always talk
about wanting to make me happy. Sometimes you have to be selfish. I know
how bad you want to go and I'll stand behind you if you go." His tone was
louder than I thought it would be.  Usually when he speaks from the heart,
his voice is very low.

"I know you will. But what about us?"

"What about us?"

"I don't think I could do a long distance thing. Honestly, having you
around makes me pretty damn happy. I find it hard for me to go to another
state and be so far from you. Even though I wouldn't mind making that 12
hour drive at least twice a month to see you."

"Sam, do what's best for you. Things for us will work out somehow."

"But I don't want to leave it up to fate. Dude, I love you if you haven't
heard that enough. I don't want to lose that." He just gave a shy smile as
what I said obviously had got to him. We intertwined hands and leaned in
for what was about to be a kiss when a sudden outburst shook us from our
thoughts.

"Oh, how cute." I heard a guy across from us blurt out. At first, we were
both in shock. Because we were so silly to forget we were in public and
also because we forgot about the group of 8 that was sitting in the two
booths across from us. When I started to say something I noticed the guy
that said something was wearing a rainbow wristband on both hands. No need
to defend ourselves since he was batting on our team. "Don't let me stop
you guys. I just wish my boyfriend would have the balls to do that to me."
He said as he eyed the guy sitting next to him which got everyone to
laugh. We finished our food and left a very generous tip to our waiter.
That did make for a bit of small talk on the way back home.

"Well that was a little scary." Andrew timidly stated.

"What? The fact that we almost kissed in public or that the waiter was
totally checking you out?"

"He was not....He was cute though."

"Yea, the blue eyes and blonde hair look is pretty sexy...I guess that's
why I like you so much." I joked. We both laughed before he got serious.

"That kiss though...it did make me nervous."

"Andrew, I know you're worried about people finding out all the time. It
can't be all that bad."

"Well why aren't you out then?" He questioned.

"One, because you don't want to be. And secondly, because I don't really
think it's something that I have to go parading for the world to see. I
like guys. So what. I like you. So what. I'm not ashamed of it."

"Well I'm not ashamed either. It's just that..."

"I know and you don't have to say it. I know I can't always be around you.
But I do know that when I am, you don't have to worry. I'll protect you. I
know you were a little concerned that the guy was going to start bashing
us. I think that was pretty cool to see someone else that was more open
about himself. For that matter, it was nice to see another gay guy in a
public setting. Rare to see these days."

"I just don't want it to ruin our lives."

"It won't ruin mine. I have you and right now I can't be any happier." He
gave me a kiss on the cheek and snuggled up to me before falling asleep on
my shoulder gripping my body. Still had just over an hour to go since we
were just hitting the highway. Even though I really felt like I could throw
up on the spot, having Andrew there kept me from coughing or sneezing the
rest of the way home...at least until I got home. No school for me
tomorrow. I could barely even get into the shower.

*****************************************************************************

          I just sat there and wondered just how things would have been
right now. Or even, if I would have been better of risking letting him go
and heading out to Vegas for school. Somehow, I think that I was meant to
be by his side until it was time for him to go.  Even if I didn't want to
accept it. The drive home was pretty uneventful. Not much traffic and just
listening to Yellowcard. Usually I would sing along, but I was in no
mood. Bringing up some of those memories brought back some of the pain that
I tried so badly to push down and away. Once arriving home, I made the long
walk into my room as I saw Justin snuggled on the couch with his girlfriend
watching tv. That kind of stung a little. It bothered me to see couples a
lot at the moment and I tried hard to not let it show. Justin knew
though. Not too long after I had finished showering and was in bed I heard
her leave. Justin slowly poked my door open and made his way into my room.

"Sam, what took you so long? I was getting worried about you." He said as
he slid into my bed next to me.

"I stopped at the cemetery. Stayed longer than I planned." I said in a very
low voice.

"I'm sorry. I know today had to be rough for you."

"It was. But there is just one thing that I looked forward to."

"What was that?" He asked in a surprised voice. It was weird for me to say
anything positive at that point in time...probably why Justin had that
tone.

"Coming back here. I'm glad that you're my best friend. I've been through
so much and you've been right by my side. Ups and downs. I just want to say
thank you. If there was one thing I could be thankful for, it's you."
Justin was speechless as I poured my heart out. Something I very rarely do
since I like to keep my thoughts to myself so much.

"Sam..."

"Let me finish. It hurts not having Andrew here. All I know is that with
you being here, I know that I can make it through. Somehow I just know it."
I rolled away facing the wall both surprised by my words and embarrassed. I
was surprised to feel Justin's arms wrap around my body as he pulled into
me.

"I know you will because you always do. And I'll be right here and that
will never change. Best friends for life buddy. Just meeting you and Andrew
was worth moving to Colorado. I love you guys...and I'm glad to call you my
best friend. I miss him just as much as you do." Justin's head rested on
the back of my neck as he held me tight as we both drifted to sleep. It was
a sign of symbolism to me. Me feeling very weak and all alone in the
world. Wrapped in his arms and the warmth of his body...a sign that I was
not alone. And that I had the one thing that I so desperately needed at
that moment: someone that cared.

*****************************************************************************

Chapter 27: Rejection and Reflection