Finding Happiness

I've been reading nifty stories for a few years. I especially like the high-school and college sections. I myself had some great memories in high-school and college, but in another country, and a totally different culture. That's why it's so fascinating to read how folks in the States go through high-school and college. I mean, gay folks.

Luckily, in my culture, when I was in high-school or even in college, I never had the peer pressure to date girls because dating was in general discouraged for students. Life was simple and happy there.

Even so, we Chinese kids go through puberty and stuff just like everybody else. I remember the time when the only thing I could think of was to find a quiet place to jerk off, and how I liked to steal a glance or two at my buddies when we were in showers together.

I was always a silent reader here on nifty. After reading so many wonderful stories, I began to think that maybe I should write my story too. Of course my English won't be as good, because it's not my mother tongue, but I decided to go ahead anyway.

This story is based on true experiences. I change all the Chinese names to English ones, just to make it easier to read. I hope you found the story interesting, as it will be a totally different high-school and college experience from what most readers here are familiar with. I will tell how a Chinese boy went through his young life, dealing with a very conservative society and trying to find love, acceptance, and happiness. Oh, by happiness I don't just mean happiness for my dick, but that too. J

Please forgive my English, as I will forgive all the rude comments I may receive about this story. All in advance.

Chapter 1

1.1 Where do I begin?

It happened way before the Chinese economy began to boom and the world began to worry about China rising. My hometown was a big city in China, an ancient one too. It had at least two thousand years of history, and was once the capitol city of China. The city was built around a beautiful lake, surrounded by green mountains.

The story began when most people still lived in houses, not those matchbox apartments you see nowadays. My family used to be really rich, so we had a very large house. But a house was all we had. After the Communist Party came into power in 1949, we became as poor as everyone else.

Our street was a quiet one, with one entrance and one exit, and between them lived about 50 families, and everyone knew everyone else. My parents were sent to another province by the government to work, and I was living with my grandparents, my mom's side. Grandpa had a crippled leg, and he used a crutch to get around. I used to tell kids that he got hurt during the Korean War (in Chinese army of course), but the truth was, he was once kidnapped because of his money. He was released when ransom was paid, but badly beaten and one leg crippled.

The neighborhood kids were afraid of him. Not because he was mean or things like that, but because he was crippled. They got really nervous and quiet when Grandpa was around, and they refused to play with me because of that. I was a lonely kid, no parents, no friends, and not many toys. Remember? All Chinese were too poor at that time to afford toys.

One day I was having lunch with my grandparents when Grandma started talking, "You heard about the new family? They are moving into that house next to the pine tree. Can you imagine that? Some total strangers moving into our neighborhood! I even heard that they had a son in prison! Maybe we should lock our door after darkness!"

Grandpa replied with disgust, "Don't spread rumors!" He really hated gossips.

Grandma was offended, "Now I can't even talk on my dining table? What am I supposed to do? Just sit and eat? Pretend to be mute?" They started quarrelling, as always. I just finished my lunch and left the table.

I went to watch the ants moving a dead fly to their home. In the meantime, I kept thinking about the new family and their son in prison. I never heard of anyone in prison. It was frightening, yet very exciting.

The first time I saw David was about a week later. A big truck arrived and several big guys were moving furniture into that house next to the pine tree, and I saw a boy carrying boxes and stuff in. He was my age, about 10-year-old at that time, and was really dark skinned. He had a round face, kind of chubby, but in a cute way. He got big eyes, button nose, and thick short black hair. (I guess there is no need to mention black hair, because all Chinese have black hair.)

I didn't talk with him until two weeks later. Grandma warned me not to play with David because "we don't know his family." I thought it's nonsense, but I would never tell her that, because she's the one who cooked all the meals and bought all the candies for me, and I liked candies very much.

It's the first day of fall semester. I was sitting alone in the back of the classroom. The teacher entered the room with David, and called everybody to quiet down. She introduced David to us, looked around, and sent David to sit with me, the only empty seat in the room. I pretended to be reading my new textbook, and then I heard a voice, "I'm David. What's your name?"

"Jake." I answered, still looking at my textbook.

"Nice meeting you Jake. I guess we'll be deskmates for a while. Hey I remember you Jake. Do you live in the same street as mine?"


"I saw you the other day. You know, the day we moved in. You were standing there, looking at us. I was going to go over and talk to you. But I had to carry a few things into my room first. When I was done, you were already gone."

"No, that's not me." I didn't know why I denied it. The words just came out of mouth before I could think.

"Dude, it has to be you! No one else has curled hair! You were wearing the blue shirt, and a pair of black pants. Oh I remembered, your pants had two little cats on the knees. See, you have them on this pair too ..."

Now I was really annoyed. I lied and got caught, and I hated it. I had to remind Grandma not to sew those stupid cat pictures to my pants anymore. She still thought I was five!

David just went on and on. And he laughed a lot. Frankly I didn't see anything funny in what he was saying, so I stayed silent and expressionless. But he seemed to have no idea that I was annoyed. He kept talking for at least half an hour, with a lot of nonsense.

During breaks, he went to talk with other kids. They must have been warned by their parents too about staying away from the stranger family, so they were all cold to him, as they were cold to me. I was sitting there watching, and David had no idea he was not welcomed. He was just so happy talking to people. I felt pity for him.

Then some girl asked, "David, I heard you had a brother?"

David replied, "You mean Luke? He was in the Delinquent Juvenile Camp for stealing a bike. He won't be released until next semester."

Alright! Now the rumor was confirmed. Not in the prison though, because that Luke must be still underage. But not far from the truth. I began to think David must be really stupid. If it were me, I would have never admitted the truth. I would have come up with something like he's sick. Now I guess David officially became the untouchable. And he had no idea at all!

1.2 The return of Luke

Somehow David and I became friends. I mean, he's the only one that would talk to me and play with me. When other kids were playing, David would go over and join them, and they wouldn't explicitly decline him, but they would give him cold shoulders. That's the same treatment I got, and a proud person I was, I took the hints and stayed away. But David was clueless, and cluelessly happy. Sometimes I got really annoyed that he could be so clueless, so I gave him cold shoulders too, but again, he was clueless that I was giving him cold shoulders, and I got more annoyed. But I tolerated him, and we went along OK. He walked to school and home with me everyday.

Grandma was not happy and told me not to hang around David. But Grandpa loved David and told me to stay with him. I understood why Grandpa loved David. David would come into our house, sitting cross-legged on the ground next to Grandpa, and talking for hours about goldfishes and birds. Grandpa would just listen with a constant smile. Sometimes I even got jealous. I thought Grandpa liked David more than me.

Soon the winter break came, and the New Year's Eve and Spring Festival. One day I went over to Luke's house. We were still in the years when no one locked their doors, because there were no thieves in China at that time. So I just went in directly. Luke's parents said "hi". They were always friendly, but they never offered candies to me. Actually they didn't have any candies in their house. Although everybody was poor at that time, I guess certain people were poorer. The good thing was, we could do anything in that house. They wouldn't mind if we left a big mess behind. To tell the truth, that house was always in a big mess anyway. We could do a lot of things in their house, things that Grandma would have never allowed in our house.

That specific day when I went into their house, I was pretty upset. I just learned that my parents wouldn't come home for the Spring Festival. Everyone came home for the Spring Festival! How could they not! So I went to see David, trying not to think about it. But to my surprise, there was an extra bed being installed in Luke's room, and an older boy was lying on it. Hearing me coming in, the boy sat up, looking at me up and down without saying a word.

It suddenly came to me. This had to be Luke, David's big brother, coming back from the Delinquent Juvenile Camp. The brothers really looked alike, with Luke being older and taller. Both had natural dark skin, big eyes, long eyelashes, and button noses. Only Luke was not as chubby as David, so Luke was better looking. In fact he was very handsome.

But they were very different too. I noticed the difference immediately the moment I saw Luke. David was so talkative and happy all the time. But Luke was very quiet. He had this really dark shadow over his face. You could see it in his eyes, from the way he looked at you, and the way he bit his lips. It's anger or sadness or something else, I could not tell.

David was excited to see me, "Hey Jake, Luke just came back! Do you remember I told you before, that Luke could make roosters and monkeys from mud? He's going to make me a few tonight. I am going to dig up a lot mud for him. You want to join me? He could make you a few too."

"Nah, that's not necessary." I shook my head, stealing a glance at Luke, and he stayed silent.

"Come on! Come with me! This could really be fun! Wait until tomorrow when I bring them to school! Kids would love them! We could trade them for candies! Luke said he even learned a few new animals in the Delinquent Juvenile Camp!"

Suddenly Luke jumped from his bed and grabbed David's shirt. "Did you tell people I went to the Delinquent Juvenile Camp?" He said in a very menacing way.

David replied sheepishly, "Yeah."

Luke pushed David hard, and David dropped to the ground. "Are you stupid? Walking around telling people about me? You have no brain?" He raised his hand, like he's going to beat David.

Now David was frightened. He looked so helpless lying on the ground, like he's going to cry. I never saw David like this, and I decided I really didn't like Luke at all. I was frightened too. Luke was much bigger than us, and he went to the Delinquent Juvenile Camp. So he must have been a bad guy. Who knew what he's capable of doing! But I was angrier than I was frightened. The first day he came home, he already started bullying Luke. So I spoke out loud, "What's wrong with telling the truth? You were in the Delinquent Juvenile Camp, weren't you?"

Luke turned to me, a little surprised, and his expression darkened. "Watch your mouth, kid! Or you will regret this!" I just kept my gaze at him, although my legs were trembling, and I had this urgent need to pee. He walked a step toward me, and I almost fainted. But fortunately, David's mom came into the room and asked, "What's wrong?"

Luke said, "Nothing." Then he left. Their mom didn't say anything further and left the room too.

I got control of my trembling legs and walked over to pull David off the ground. He was so upset and he stayed silent for a long time. That never happened before. David was always talking. That just broke my heart and made me hate Luke more.

Of course, we didn't get any mud animals from Luke that night, or any nights later.

1.3 Am I a bad boy too?

I had a pretty miserable winter break, with no Mom and Dad, and with a very unfriendly Luke around. I tried my best to avoid him, but he was always there in David's room. I mean, it's Luke's room too. He would push me really hard whenever we were close, whether I was in his way or not. There was nothing I could do to get even, and I got madder each day, at him for being such an asshole, and at myself for being so weak.

When the spring came and we returned to school, Luke was there too. I was surprised that he was only on grade higher than us. Later I learned from David that Luke was two years older than us, and because the time he spent in the Camp, he was one grade behind his age.

But Luke looked much bigger than us. He had really broad shoulders and all those muscles on his body. One time I went into the restroom in the school, and Luke was there peeing. I thought he would give me trouble, but he didn't. I couldn't help but glancing secretly at his dick, and it's huge. He had hairs in his crotch too, just above his dick, like Grandpa. All in all, he looked like an adult and we were still kids.

Spring came and went. We learned, we played, and we grew. That year summer came really early, and it was hot in June, which never happened before. Usually it only got hot after summer break started.

So that day after lunch I went over to David's house to have a nap with him. Out school made it mandatory that we kids had to take a nap after lunch. If you had lunch at school, you would just lay your head on the desk and have a really uncomfortable nap. There would be a teacher watching, so you couldn't escape the misery. For us who went home for lunch, we had to take a nap at home and got a signature from parents to prove it.

It's a stupid policy and it's really boring to take a nap everyday. So David and I came up with this idea. One day he would sleep in my house with me, the other day I would sleep in his house with him. That way, at least we could chat while lying on bed. I enjoyed it much better when it's in his house, because his mom wouldn't care if we were just lying there and talking. But Grandma would threaten not to sign the papers if we kept talking.

Only that I had to face Luke in their house. But lately he seemed to leave me alone. Whenever we met, he just gave me this cold look, and I gave him a blank expression. I didn't want to lock gaze with him, in case he got pissed and decided to hit me. But in the same time, I wanted to make it clear that I didn't like him. David went along with Luke very well, totally forgetting that Luke almost beat him up the first day he returned home. I was pissed at David for that, and he was clueless I was pissed, like always.

That day in David's bed, I was listening to David talking, and then I fell asleep. For how long I didn't know, but the next thing I knew, it was Luke's voice, "It won't take long!"

Then I heard David say, "Not with Jake here."

Luke's voice again, "Just do it. It'll be quick I promise. I can't wait."

I got curious. What kind things David wouldn't do when I was around? So I didn't move and pretended to be asleep. Then I heard the bed moving and some noises. I opened my eyes a little, and was totally shocked. I couldn't believe my eyes. Luke was standing in front of the bed, and his dick was in David's mouth. David was sucking on Luke's dick! Luke's eyes were closed, and he seemed really enjoying what's happening.

That's Luke's dick, where his piss came out! And he put it in David's mouth! I was disgusted, shocked, frightened, and confused at the same time. I didn't dare to move. And I didn't want to close my eyes. There was this weird feeling happening inside me, and I didn't know what it was. Then I heard Luke breathing fast and he moaned a little. Suddenly he put his hands on David's head and held it still. Luke was trembling, then after a few seconds, he quieted down, pulled out his dick, and went back to his bed.

My head just couldn't process what I saw. I pretended to be sleeping and didn't dare to move a bit. Soon it became really uncomfortable, so I had to "wake up", and asked David, "Did you fall asleep?"

David said, "No." At least he's still honest with me. I didn't ask further.

The next a few days I couldn't help but thinking about it. I still didn't understand why they did it. But the more I thought about it, the more curious I got. After the first shock, it no longer seemed that disgusting. One time I even touched my piss-hole after I peed, and brought the finger to my mouth. It tasted salty, not too bad.

Another thing I noticed was whenever I thought about it, my dick got larger and really hard. It felt good. But one time a kid in my class noticed and pointed at my pants and laughed. I didn't know what's so funny. But I felt embarrassed so I kept my school bag in front of me if I was walking and my dick got hard.

After a month or so, I finally got the courage to ask David about it. First I dropped hints whenever I got a chance and hoped that David would tell me what's going on without me asking. But that didn't work. One day I just couldn't wait so I hoaxed David into behind our house where no one would come, and I said, "I know what you are doing with Luke!"

As dumb as David was, he didn't even pretend not to understand what I was saying. He suddenly looked very worried and said, "Jake, you can not tell anyone about this! Luke will kill me!"

"I won't tell anyone, but ..." I knew what I wanted, but it's not easy to speak it out loud.

"But what?" David asked, a little less worried.

Finally I gathered enough courage and said, "You have to do it with me too!" Before David could respond, I added, "Or I will tell people!" I felt really bad inside for blackmailing David, but my curiosity took over control.

David hesitated for a few seconds, and said, "OK."

I dropped my pants immediately and my dick was rock hard. David looked at it, amazed, "Dude, your dick is as big as Luke's. How come mine is so small?" He dropped his pants too, and there it was, his dick as innocent as a baby's. I was really proud of myself. I said, "Go ahead." I tried to pretend I knew everything, so I didn't shout when David swallowed my dick. Otherwise I would really shout, and very loudly. It felt so good with his mouth around my dick. I started thrusting my hip and hoped that this would never end. Suddenly I felt I was losing control and I would start peeing in a split second. I tried to pull out but it was too late, and I shot into David's mouth and almost fainted.

When I calmed down, David already stood up. I couldn't look at him. I thought he would be really mad at me for peeing in his mouth. I'd never seen him mad at anyone before, but I was really worried. But he just said, "Pretty neat, isn't it?" No anger in his voice at all. I knew I missed something here, but I didn't want to ask David. Also I was worried that he would want me to suck his dick too. That's definitely not going to happen. So I said quickly, "Let's get out of here!" And we just left.

1.4 The passing of David

Later that day, I cunningly got the information out of David without him suspecting that I was clueless in what just happened. He said Luke told him that this was something younger boys would do for older boys. When David said that, he said, "Jake, I wish you were younger than me, so you could do it for me too." I just nodded without saying anything. I totally understood that's Luke's bullshit, but I went along with it to avoid returning the favor to David.

I also learned that I didn't pee in David's mouth. The liquid was called cum, and that stuff would produce babies. Weird, I thought babies just came out of a woman's bellybutton when a man and a woman got married. At least that's what Grandma told me.

Oh, did I mention Luke also told David that this had to be between him and David, or he would kill David? Yeah, what an asshole brother!

Late at night, when lying on my bed, I started thinking about it. Maybe it's because my parents were not with me so I mentally grew faster, or maybe I was born a thinker and a really sensitive person anyway. I always thought a lot at night about what's happening during the day.

That night when I went over the day's events, I felt ashamed. I decided not to force David to suck my dick again.

However, the next day my dick got hard, and I totally forgot about my resolution last night and asked David for another favor. Then it happened again the day after next, and so on. Then I just got used to it and no longer thought about it anymore.

I never asked David if Luke and him were continuing this too, and if yes, how often. But since I knew what's going on, I looked at Luke with different eyes. I disliked him as always, but I kept looking at him and his crotch without him noticing, whenever he's around. I had to admit he looked great, especially when he's playing soccer with those older kids. He moved like a panther, one moment totally still, the next moment he got the ball under his feet and he just became so alive. I looked at him with contempt, thinking about the way he abused David. Yet I couldn't stop looking at him. Not that I didn't understand I was a hypocrite, that I was no better than Luke. I knew it clearly in the back of my mind; just I was too young then to admit it.

All these changed suddenly one day when I was walking with David to school after lunch. We were walking and David was talking excitedly, and he went off to the car lanes. I was just about to tell him to come back to the pedestrian's lane. Suddenly a truck hit him. The next thing I knew, he was a few yards away, lying on the ground, with blood all over. He's not moving at all.

I was brought to a hospital and a doctor said I was fine. I had no idea who brought me to the hospital and who brought me home. It's all happening so fast and I was like in a dream, so unreal. When I was home, Grandpa told me with red eyes that David was dead. The truck driver was drunk, so he didn't see David at all.

Grandma walked me to school the next day. She was so worried about me being hit. She kept saying that it's Buddha's blessing, that I was so close to death. I didn't think so. It couldn't be Buddha's doing, could it? Buddha would never take David away.

I went in the classroom, and all the kids looked at me like I was an alien. I guess they heard something. The teacher came in and told everyone that David was hit by a truck and he was dead. Now gossip was confirmed, a few girls began to cry, but I didn't. I was angry at those stupid girls, for they didn't even like David, now they were crying when he's gone?

I went to David's funeral, and he looked like he was made of wax, so fake and so lifeless. Again I had this dreamlike feeling in me, like I would just wake up the next moment and David would still be talking to me. Then I noticed Luke, he was standing in the corner, crying so hard. He looked really ugly in tears, his handsome face totally distorted. In that moment, all the anger and hatred toward Luke suddenly disappeared. I walked over and hugged him. He became still for a moment, and then he wrapped his arms around me, and cried harder.

I began to cry too, the first time since David died.

(I'll stop here because I got emotional writing this part. I'll continue later.)