This is a story of friendship, commitment, love and trust. It is not a sex story. However, this story deals with love between male teenagers. If you are offended by stories involving love between two teenage boys, please do not read this story. There may be some sex scenes in this story; however, sex is not the main theme. If you are under age 18 or 21 or it is illegal to read this story where you live, don't read it. Reproducing this story for distribution without the owner's permission is a violation of that copyright.
Author's Message: If you think this story seems vaguely familiar well it's because it's a re-write of a story I posted over a year ago the whole story is going to be over over 55k words because I have added a lot more to it and actually I'll be completeing it. The main character Dawson who you will be meeting in this chapter was originally created by me in 1995 in a similar but very straight story. I loved the character and brought him back in this story. Having brought him out of the closet so to speak I think he is a much happier and better character than in the original story.
Hamburg, Germany thirteen years later...Alex Rhineheart
"Adriana, I got the job!" I said excitedly as we met. She smiled and we hugged.
At last I was free of the pigs and my stepfather. The pigs are my stepbrothers. I call them the pigs because they are fat, lazy, crude and stupid. My mother died two years after she were married and in the words of my stepfather, "Well, I guess I'm stuck with you." Life became hell for me.
"What you're not pleased?" I queried Adriana.
"Of course I am. It's just that I shall miss you," she said then leaned close and whispered in my ear, "Especially at night when I'm in bed." She gave me a peck on the cheek and giggled because I was blushing bright red.
"You are so mean!" I laughed, "You must come and visit me in Paris after I get settled in, you promise?"
"Yes, Alex, I promise. When are you going?"
"Tomorrow afternoon, the train leaves at 1:30. Will you come see me off? Father will be at work and the two pigs will still be stuffing themselves. Pleeze! "
"Yes, why don't you pack your stuff and bring it over; you can spend the night with me." She dramatically sighed, "Our last night together...<sigh>"
"You never know I just might get a hardon and make it your first satisfying night!" I laughed.
"Oh! Promises, promises!" she laughed.
We ended up going to eating out and going to a movie that night. I guess most guys would agree that Adriana is a babe. We've known each other since we were babies; she's always been by best bud and I've always been her best friend. We always bike, fence, and roller blade together. She hates soccer, but comes to all my games and I always go to her swim meets.
I was fourteen when it hit me like a tons of bricks that I was gay. I thought that it was the end of my life. I felt alone in the world. I remember the day I came out to her.
"Alexis! Wait up!" she yelled. I stopped and waited because I knew if I ran she'd catch up with me. She's always been faster than me.
"What do you want Adriana? I'm in a hurry!" I said in a perturbed manner.
"You're avoiding me!"
"Am not, I just have a lot of homework and housework to do. The pigs won't do it." I replied defensively.
"Good, I'll help you do your housework and then you can come over and do your homework".
There was no use in arguing with her. I never win. Later, after my homework was done, she looked at me and demanded, "So, what's wrong?"
I just looked at her, my bottom lip began to quiver and my eyes welled up with water and over spilled down my cheeks. "I can't tell you, Adriana. Please don't make me tell you. Please!" I cried.
Adriana had seen me cry when I got hurt as a kid but never from my emotions running away with me. She pulled me into a tight hug and I laid my head on her shoulder and wept.
"Is this something about me? Have I done something wrong? Have I done something to hurt you?" she asked.
"No. Never you. It's, it's me"
"Then tell me, Alexis, tell me."
"I can't. I just can't!"
"Alexis, we've never had secrets from each other Please tell me what's wrong!" she begged and held me tight.
"I am what's wrong. It's me! I'm wrong! I'm not normal. I'm different! It's wrong!" My world was collapsing and I held on to her tight. "Oh God! I don't want to be this way!"
She let me cry for a while, I knew she was thinking and trying to guess.
"Alex, you are and always be my friend; you will always be special to me. You are physically the most attractive boy in this city. You are so smart, so kind, so giving and you're just plain fun. You can walk into a room and suddenly people are happier, more alive. So there is nothing I don't love about you. A few years ago I would dream about being your wife, but that will never happen, will it?"
She knew. How I didn't know. She was magic.
"No. Never, because I'm..."
She finished my sentence "gay."
"Yes," I said in a whisper.
She pulled away from me, took my chin and made me look at her. "Alexis Rhineheart, I love you, I always have and I always will, you don't think I noticed that you're always eyeing a good looking boy? That you've never tried to make out with me? I'm not that ugly! I think the librarian thinks I'm a lesbian because I wanted to find out about gays, in case you were and needed my help," she laughed and I burst into tears again from the relief and also from just knowing how much she cared for me.
We've talked a lot since then about my sexuality and hers, about boys. I always have to approve her dates. We sleep together quite often sometimes even in the nude - it does my reputation good. We've never had sex or done anything sexual except once she wanted to see me wank, so I did. I was sort of embarrassed, but she insisted. She had to give me a copy of her Playgirl magazine for doin' it!
I finally accepted my sexuality even though I'm pretty much still in the closet. The only other person who knows about me is Dieter Rosenberg, my Dutch cousin. He is dropped-dead gorgeous and a fashion model in Paris. He's seventeen and in fact we share the same birthday. He's one of the reasons I'm going to Paris. I'm a photographer and he said I might be able to get a job there working as a fashion photographer. Of course, I'll have to start out as an assistant.
I am an seveneen-year-old gay boy and still a virgin. Pretty bad, huh? It's just that I want my first time to be with someone whom I really love and who will love me forever! Well, Dieter is still a virgin too. I wish we weren't related.
Adriana and I spent most of the night lying in bed talking about old times, laughing and sometimes crying. It was really hard for me to leave, but I wanted to find love and Paris being the romance capitol of the world, I hoped my luck would change.
I woke at 10 with Adriana in my arms. She opened her eyes and smiled, "Nope! I'm not pregnant." We laughed. The house was empty so we both got up and when to the bathroom. While she sat and tinkled I turned on the shower and pissed in the shower. She smiled.
"Sorry, Adriana, I have to piss! I can't wait for you to tinkle in the toilet!"
"Fine, but that's not what I'm smiling about."
"Then, what? My sleek five foot nine inch body, my butt? What? Ah! I know it's my beautifully uncut, seven inch - when it's hard, penis!"
"No, your hair. It's always a mess in the morning. God, I'm going to miss you!" she said and the tears began to roll down her cheeks. She stood up and I took her in my arms and we embraced each other. We stood like that for about two minutes. Then took our shower in silence.
Paris, France April 22 nd 2003 a year later...
I stayed with Dieter for the first few weeks and as much as I liked staying with him. I constantly wanted to make out with him and had to keep stopping myself - it was just a difficult situation two horny gay boys who found it progressively more difficult not to have sex. We did jerk off together a couple of times - not each other just both going solo.
Dieter could have had his pick of the other guys he worked with but like me we wanted to wait for that special person...at least that's what he said. I wonder if it will ever happen for me.
I love biking, it keeps me fit and it is the main way I get around Paris. I live in a dumpy hotel on the left bank. When I'm not working I spend a lot of time with my two friends, Ian Roberts and Sven Petersen and occasionally my cousin will join us.
"Hey! Alex, what are you doing here? You get fired?" Ian asked.
"'fraid not, Brit. It's a comp day, I'll have a croissant and an espresso, garçon," I said in a condescending tone of voice.
He mouthed the words 'fuck you!'
I puckered my lips at him. He laughed.
I had almost told both Ian and Sven that I was gay, but they are always telling jokes about gays and making nasty comments, which really hurts my feelings, but I hide it well. Ian is an 'aspiring writer', so he says and Sven is a sculptor; I've seen some of his work and it's really good, but he is really lazy. He comes from a wealthy Swedish family.
I was chatting with Sven early afternoon when I looked up to see the most beautiful person, boy I'd ever seen. He had just walked in and was talking to Ian then sat down; I couldn't help, but stare.
"You know him?" asked Sven.
"Do you know him?"
"No," 'think fast', I thought to myself, "Ugh, he looks sort of familiar, but no, why?"
"No reason," smiled Sven. It was one of those smiles that say, "well I'm on to you but I'm not going to let you know.
He was a gorgeous kid. He looked about fourteen, too young for me but not for Dieter.Ian Roberts
I'm gay. I hate that and I want to change that. I knew I was gay when I was fourteen but I didn't want to believe it. I hoped that I would just grow out of it or that is was a phase I was going through but at sixteen years old I'm still attracted to boys.
I was in love with my best friend Marcus. We used to mess around - you know masturbating each other. I sucked him off once and he really got off on it. He never returned the favor said he didn't mind jerking me off but he wasn't gay and sucking a guy off makes you gay. I told him the only reason I sucked him off was that I loved him. He said that it was cool; just don't expect him to do the same thing to me. I sucked him off almost every day for a year, but he never returned the favor and I know he never will. I know I don't really mean that much to him and it hurts.
Three weeks after he made out with his girlfriend and he told me that he didn't want me to service him any more - he said it just like that. `Service him' like I meant nothing to him. "But I love you, Marcus!"
He told me to fuck off in front of all my other friends in school and has told them that I've been servicing him for the last year. I felt so degraded, so dirty and shameful.
I got tired of guys coming up to me and asking for a blowjob. Most of them I punched out or kicked in the nuts. Thank God I'm a good fighter. I have a temper. Marcus found that out! After he had outted me in front of everybody he had the audacity to ask me for a blowjob. I busted him in the balls so hard it's a wonder if he'll ever have kids. I got suspended from school for fighting. Rents weren't too happy but so what.
I left for Paris after my O-levels. Why? Cuz I don't want my parents to twig on it. I think it would kill my dad or he'd kill me. Mum might be a little more understanding. Course they thought I was going on holiday, but I didn't go back.
That was two years ago. I've lived here in Contrescarpe for two years. I work as a waiter and what time I'm not waiting I'm writing. I've been writing or trying to write the same story for three years. I'm still gay but I hide it well even my best friend Alex Rhineheart thinks I'm straight.
He's straight too I think. I really love him and he's the only one I ever fantasize about. He's got a girlfriend Adriana. What a babe! Sven walked in on them once and they were lying in the nude all cuddled up close sleeping. It broke my heart but I'd rather be his friend than be hated by him for being gay.
I've had a few one-night stands with other guys, nothing serious. I'd love to get fucked up the arse, but only by Alex. I've had a few of the one nighters who tried to get me to let them fuck me but I told them no. I surf the Internet a lot and have a few guys that I chat with. I guess I'm weird because most of the gays I talk to have fucked and been fucked it seems to be normal for homos but I just don't want to do it until I find that special person...I'll probably die a virgin. I wish Alex were gay. Oh god would I like to be fucked by him.
I don't know why they call it being gay cuz I'm miserable.
Today a boy came into the café. God he was beautiful! His name is Dawson. He says seventeen but he looks to me like he's younger. He is a bloody good artist. Says he wants to read my stories. If he only knew I suck at writing. He's almost as good a looker as Dieter, Alex's cousin. Dieter's to shy for me, besides Alex is my love.
I'm a little pissed. Well, actually a lot pissed. I saw Alex staring at Dawson and after he came back from getting Dawson a room all he talked about was what a neat person Dawson is. Okay, so I'm jealous! It just hurts that I've love Alex since the first day I met him and he thinks the sunshines out of this stupid American kid's arse!Sven Petersen
Sometimes, I think there is something wrong with me. When I was living at home my best friend Johan comes out to me and tells me he's gay.
I remember the day like it was yesterday...
We were playing on his Sony Playstation. I was winning as usual and he leant over and kissed me on the cheek.
I paused the game and looked at him, "What was that for?" I asked jokingly.
"Because I love you."
"Oh good I thought maybe it was because you turned gay!" I laughed, "I love you too!"
"I am gay, Sven."
"Ya, Johan, that's why you and Katherine are always fucking your brains out!" I chuckled.
"Sven, listen to me! I lied! I lied! I've never fucked Katherine! She knows I'm gay. I could never get it up. I was so scare that she would tell you, she promised me she never would...she knows I love you." He cried. I wanted to tell him it was all right with me. I want to tell him it was okay, even though I wasn't gay!
I didn't hold him or anything I was numb. It was as if all my feelings all my emotions were turned off and my heart turned to ice. "I need some time to think, Johan. I don't know what to think or say."
I walked out. I went home and cried because I didn't know how to handle the fact that he was gay; that he was in love with me. I kept meaning to tell him that I was okay about him that I still wanted to be his friend. It was cool with me. Well, what could I do? He was my best friend, but I was not gay. I loved him but not the way he loved me.
I meant to tell him but I didn't and then it was too late. A week later he hung himself. That nearly killed me. Did he do it because of me? There was no suicide note. He just hung himself. I cried for weeks. I felt so guilty and I started keeping to myself.
Finally, it got too much for my mom and she started asking me questions. My mom is persistent. She finally got through to me. But I just got more depressed. Everything at home reminded me of Johan. I realized I really did love him. I don't think I am gay but I've never had a girlfriend. I told Mom about Johan being gay and that I loved him and miss him but I wasn't sure that I was gay. I talked to her about girls – that I'd never been particularly attracted to anyone.
Because everything seemed to remind me of Johan Mom suggested I move away. "Perhaps Paris – you could work on your sculpturing there," she told me.
I took her advice and I decided to go to Paris. I found a nice apartment in the Latin Quarter on Rue la Clef. Then I got into sculpting. I'm not too bad. I've made friends with the waiter at the café. His name is Ian. He's British. Nice guy. We've become good friends. I don't think he's gay but sometimes I wonder because I see him starring at Alex, a German boy I've met.
I really like Alex he's quiet but funny and has a great sense of humor. I suspected he's gay and is in love with Ian, but I'm not sure because he has a babe for a girlfriend her name is Adriana. She lives in Germany. Maybe he's bi. Well, it doesn't matter to me. They are my friends and that's what counts.
I did sense a bit of sadness with Ian when I mentioned Alex in bed with the girl.
Today a young American walked into the café and into our lives. His name is Dawson. He claims to be seventeen but I think he looks a lot younger. He reminded me of Johan. There's softness about him. He's not brash and loud like most of the Americans you see here. He seems to care about people and he is the best artist I have ever seen. I think I could fall in love with him.Dieter Rosenberg
I am pretty straight except for one thing I'm gay. Actually, I act straight and I haven't told anybody that I'm gay. In fact I tell them that I'm straight. It's not that I am ashamed of being gay...it's just that I'm different. You see I am a hopeless romantic. I'm waiting for Mr. Right. I sometimes wonder if he exists.
So what am I looking for? Well, I'd like him to be pleasing to the eyes, meaning I don't need him to be as good looking as some of the guys with whom I work or me. God! That makes me sound conceited! I'm not really. It's just that being a male fashion model at the age of 17 has convinced me that I am good looking and sexy. I want him to be intelligent and not look at me like I'm a piece of meat. And I want someone who I can love and who can love me and only me. I want a life partner.
Oh, yeah! He has got to have a good sense of humor. My problem has been that most of the guys in the biz who are gay just look at me as a piece of ass and nothing more.
Although I make a lot of money I don't flaunt it. I live very conservatively and the majority of my money goes into investments.
My cousin Alex is also gay. I caught him last year jacking off looking at a gay porno mag. He was so embarrassed and then I saw the magazine lying open on the bed.
"Oh! Nice dick!" I said with a smile, "Not you, the boy in the mag!" He looked at me shocked. "Alex, I'm gay too." He looked at me for a few moments and realized I was telling the truth. He is so quick witted.
"Well, that's cool. At least I'm not the only one in the world." He looked at the mag, smiled slyly and tossed the mag to me saying, "Yeah, well look at the guy on page 38! And no you can't have my mag!"
The boy on page 38 was awesome! He and I ended up jacking off together I did me, he did him and we shared the picture of the guy on page 38. That's as far as we ever went. I've never touched him and he's never touched me. Alex is good looking but neither of us is into incest. Well, one time we almost kissed each other on the lips - at the last minute we stopped. I could feel his hot breath on my face is how close we came to kissing. He moved out the next day. I think that was a smart move because I think we would have had sex eventually.
I'm glad Alex came to Paris because he had a nothing life back in Germany. Today, I called him to see how he was and to invite him, Ian, and Sven to a party. He told me about this American boy. He's always on the lookout for my prospective boyfriends, but to date he's never found anybody. He said this American boy was different, damn good looking, a real hottie and he's an artist.
"Is he gay?" I asked.
"Oh, I don't know, but you have to meet him!"
Well, I hope he's the one.Dawson Phillips
There's not much to do on a six-hour flight especially if you've seen the movie and your budget is tight except think and sleep. I don't sleep well when crowded in like a sardine. Well, I should be happy for small favors the person sitting next to me was fourteen. His name was Andre and he was French. He spoke English pretty well because his mother was American they had been visiting relatives for a few weeks. He was going home and I was going on my first trip to Paris.
Being an avid artist or is that compulsive artist? Anyway, I did a pen and ink sketch of him and another of his mom. I gave them the sketches.
"Why are you going to Paris?" she asked.
"I've just wanted to go for a long time. I'm an artist and Paris seemed like the place to go."
"Well, you must contact me when you settle in. My husband might commission you to do a painting or two." She gave me her card.
Of course I omitted to say that I was so confused in life that. Or that I been beaten half to death because people thought I was gay.
My life sucked.
It didn't always suck. I had a great life up until I was thirteen. Then my grandpa died and after that it just got worse. I thought about when it all started...
"You know what David? You should take me to your prom. For one I'm better looking than Sussie Parker and for another I can dance way better!"
"Hmm. True you are, I am sure, a better dancer, and perhaps even better on the eyes...but you're a guy! And not only am I not gay, I am definitely not into incest!"
"Well, I'm not either. I don't think I'm gay at all but that incest thing, hmmm," I laughed.
"Dude, you are sick!" he laughed.
"Dude, please let me go with you. I promise I be on my best behavior! Pleeezzzah, dona leave-ah me here to die of boredom!"
"Dawson, the answer is no!"
But I begged and he took me.
Sussie wasn't too pleased at first, but I left them alone, so she changed her attitude. It was a crazy night for me - I danced. I danced and danced and danced by myself, with girls and even with a boy, his name was Rob.
All in all I had a great night right up to the point where I was ready to go into my room and go to bed. Everything had been great and I hadn't even noticed David had not said one word to me since we left the dance - I guess I assumed he was thinking quietly about Sussie.
"Tell me something Dawson, do you delight in humiliating me? Well, know this, I am never, ever taking you out with me again! And don't expect me to stick up for you at school because I'm not!"
"What! What did I do?" I was shocked and I really had no idea.
"Oh, don't give me that innocent look like you give mom! You know what you did and so does everybody else!"
"I don't know what you're talking about! Please David! Tell me!" I yelled.
"You danced with that faggot! You're a fucking homo!"
I had danced with Rob. I mean I was having fun! I liked dancing and he just started dancing with me!
"But I'm not gay!"
"Oh! Yeah right! Then how come you've never gone out on a date with a girl! I saw the way you were looking at him and it made me sick! And I saw you kissing him! Just keep away from me or I'll tell mom and dad that you're queer!"
"But I'm not gay! He kissed me and I tried to stop him."
He opened the door to his room, went into his room, and slammed the door.
"I'M NOT GAY!"
I went into my room and slammed the door. I was angry and confused and as I looked around the room I looked at my most recent unfinished painting. It was a picture of two young boys and a unicorn. David had said it thought it was one of my best.
Suddenly, I hated the painting. I grabbed my epee and proceeded to hack the painting to pieces. And for a brief second I contemplated falling on my sword but I didn't. I threw down my sword and fell onto my bed instead.
Was I gay? I was emotional sometimes but I figured it was my artist's temperament. I had never dated a girl but it I wasn't that I didn't want to. Was it? Tonight I danced with a lot of girls at least ten! So there! And only one boy - Rob.
I knew he was known as being gay but when he asked if I'd dance with him I just thought why not. I mean he was really nice. We didn't even touch - we just danced. I think he's an okay guy. It doesn't bother me that he's gay.
David wouldn't talk to the whole weekend and I pretty well kept clear of him. Monday, he left for school early so I had to take my bike.
I went to hang with my friends and Matt Walsh said clearly, "Here comes the fagot!" I didn't say anything I just kept on walking and heard them laughing and making jokes about me. It hurt. It really hurt. It was like that all morning. All my supposed friends were gone and for the first time ever I sat alone at lunchtime.
I saw David in the hall and he said loud and clear to some guy, "Yeah, he's a queer yesterday he wanted to suck my cock or something."
I ran out of the school, got my bike and took off. How could he have done that to me? I was crying so hard I could hardly see the road and for sure I didn't see the car that was following me. I ended up at Northland Park. I rode my bike along the trails to the lake's edge where I collapsed on the ground in heaving sobs.
"Dawson?" a quiet voice spoke. I looked up to see Rob Wilkerson.
"Just leave me alone."
"No. I can't do that. I know what you are going through. Been there and to some degree am still there."
"No. No you haven't! I'm not like you! All I did was dance with you! Why did you do what you did? Why does that make me gay?"
"You're not gay?"
"No!" I said and then I looked at him. The thing is I was attracted to him. He had such beautiful eyes. I looked down. Was I gay?
"Just my luck," he said under his breath.
"Because I really like you and it's just my luck you're straight. I'm sorry. I better go. You don't want to be caught hanging out with me."
He looked like it really hurt him and it wasn't that I felt sorry for him I liked him as a person. I had experienced the cruelty he had had to face. Maybe others could be mean to him, but I couldn't be mean to him.
"Rob. Don't leave." I said. He turn back with tears rolling down his cheeks, "I need to talk to someone, someone like you. Please."
Rob and I talked the rest of the day, some about me and a lot about him. I was still confused about myself, but I really enjoy the time with him. He offered to take me home and I accepted.
I knew David would be home and watching for me, but I didn't care what he'd say or do, I had my own plan. I knew he was going to tell the rents and that I couldn't take. I'm a total disappointment to everyone. I leaned over before I got out and kiss Rob on the cheek - I'm sure David was watching us and I like pissing him off.
"Thanks. Thanks for everything."
The next few weeks of school were the worst - the straights hounded me. I got beaten up a couple of times and those that were gay I kept clear of because I didn't want to give anyone any more ammunition.
Then the rents found out...I thought school was bad home was worse. I just couldn't take it any more I had to leave. I was an unwanted and un-love person. I wished my grandfather were here...he would have understood...he wouldn't have stopped loving me. I had to get away so I did what I had to do to get away.The announcement that we'd be landing in ten minutes brought me back to the present. It's three thirty in the morning back there and nine-thirty a.m. here. I'm here and a new adventure starts. I hope this change will change me, I don't want to be the same; I want to be different. I'm tried of these feelings I get. Well, this begins a new episode in my life.
If you like it so far let me know - Sam.