Date: Fri, 13 Sep 2002 07:04:56 +0100 (BST)
From: Michael <truecolour2000@yahoo.com>
Subject: Following my heart, Part I

copyright 2002: Michael E Bjornssen

Disclaimer: If you are under age or offended by
homosexual relationships please go away immediately.
For the rest of you guys, please enjoy.

The story below is fictional.

Following my heart  Part I



Time for the party! It was Christmas, and we were
having a big party at our house. I cut through the
woods with Erik towards the house, which was just a
mile away from his. We lived at the ourskirts of
Stockholm back then. Banters flew freely between our
mouths, and the frosty air seemed cooler than ever. We
walked, choking on each other's jokes and occasionally
playful punches would land unexpectedly on our arms as
we marched on.

I knew Erik too well. Son of a family friend, boy next
door, school mate, collaborator of a series of
pranks... And the list never ended. We were of the
same age, and we had been the best of friends for as
long as I could remember.

I could not help watching Erik's face as we talked, as
this was the only way of talking which sounded proper
to me. He had a chiseled face slightly covered with a
thin shade of stubbles. A pair of sincere eyes, yeah,
piercing blue, typical of us Swedes. I absent-mindedly
reciprocated when a joke was drawn to a close or a
particularly funny part needed a bit of attention. But
I was focussing on his face, which for me looked so
cute at that moment.

Erik knew I was gay. Actually he was the first soul in
whom I confided my troubled sexuality. I had much
difficulty accepting myself as what I was. Erik was
cool with it. He was not at all disturbed when he
learned his best pal was a perv. On the contrary he
tried extremely hard to accommodate our friendship,
which after that incident grew all the more intense.
We were just like brothers, so said our parents.
Although I was two months older and two inches taller,
I knew from the bottom of my heart that he was playing
the guardian's role. Erik looked after my soul, gave
it what it needed whenever it cried for help. And
that's basically what our friendship was like. As
simple as brotherhood, nothing else. As I didn't fancy
him in my wildest dreams, and he was, hopefully,
terminally straight.

Erik helped me through the initial shock after I
discovered my sexuality. He even volunteered to spot
boyfriends for me. We laughed a lot about his
insistent harassments at those poor guys who I told
him I had secretly longed for. But  my floating mind
prevailed every time. There would be no relationship
in my high school years. Just enjoyment, pure
physical bliss and freedom. Yes, I knew what I
wanted.

"Jens, have you ever heard that one?" A soft yet husky
voice dragged me back from my reveries. It was Erik.
'What," I knew I looked stupidly at him but I couldn't
help.
"Markus was checking you out one day. I knew it from
the way he looked at you."
 "So what?" my mind refused to process the information
it just got.
 "Oh you look so dumb today, Jens", Erik looked me up
and down, reaching an irresisitable conviction.
"Nah, I am okay." Again I knew I sounded stupid enough
as I was trying to sort out the topic we had just been
discussing.
"Come on, your folks will not like the state you are
now in", he sounded a bit concerned when he saw no
meaningful response came from this side.
"Umm, can we just slow down a little bit", I turned
towards his firm stare when I realised I was
fidgetting somehow.

I despaired of getting something right to say. But the
moment it was uttered I knew for sure that one was
even more senseless. His eyes were hypnoticly blue, I
grunted in my thought. God I was looking at Erik now.
But I didn't make out much of the man I was so
familiar with. I had spend nearly all my life together
with this guy, and I found I still didn't know where I
stood with him.

"Just a bit tired after the walk." I mumbled uneasily
and returned an unsteady look at his slightly pouted
lips. God were they just beautiful. I was amazed at
the new found sensuality in my friend and could not
help looking more closely. He was by now a bit
puzzled.

"All right then." He resumed his droning and I just
listened without a word.

On a frosty cold night like this, Erik looked so lean
yet firm beside me. I didn't know where these weird
realisations came from but I felt their presence and
they were gnawing at my nerves, so to speak. I watched
Erik's chest heave rythmically with every inhaling
move that he made. I didn't know but this man was
elegant. His sharp features, the warmth that his young
body produced, and the low yet soothing voice made my
heart skip a bit.

I hadn't noticed that he draped his right hand on my
shoulder, literally to drag me on while continuing
with his new discoveries.

I subconsciously put my left arm around his back and
jokingly patted his neck which elicited a faint smile
from his lips. At least I was trying to catch up. But
man I couldn't be sure of my feelings back then. I
was, like I said, trapped in a mesmerise mood, and
Erik was the enchanter. I pushed my body a bit closer
and my face towards his, albeit just a little bit.

He made no move. I drew another look at Erik, who was
by now boasting about his new conquest, Elena, a
Russian girl he had been dating for just a couple of
weeks. Russian sounded strange for the first time in
my life. I was drawn in by his magnetic smile when he
looked at me occasionally, checking if I was in the
right mood, if I was feeling tired again.

I remembered how protective he had been towards me.
When we went out camping together with several mutual
friends, he would always shared a camp with me. Cause
he knew I was not a well organised person. When I
broke up with my first date, who of course was
introduced by him, he was so apologetical and I knew
it was true. I was not insensitve but Erik had been
the most loyal of friends.

I felt the warmth churning in my body and I was
pushing my head a bit closer and this stopped his
movement. He dropped the story and turned to look at
me.

He attempted to say something, if at all.

And I was trying to push him onto the snow covered
ground with the sheer weight of my body. I was
reaching for his luscioius lips.

I knew my mind stopped then and there, because I
discovered Erik, my friend, my best friend.

I was covering his lips with my hot kisses and my hand
rovering around his head. I was reckless. I was
fumbling for his belt and then I felt his breath,
still rhythmical, unlike mine. It suddenly dawned on
me that he had not spoken a word when I pushed him to
the ground and hungrily caressed him. Not a move,
weird. I stopped immediately.

 Deafening silence.

To break the ice I spluttered, "Erik, I love you."

He made no move at all, except that his stare was firm
and piercing, and I thought I was being seen through.

I freed him from my hold and stood up, but he only sat
on the ground, still looking at my face.

"Why, Jens, why do you want to do that to me?" He
sounded calm but I knew underneath the surface he was
literally boiling.

"Look, sorry Erik, I just went crazy looking at you, I
am sorry." I groped for the right words without much
success.

"I know you are not interested in guys and I should
have known better than to force my lips on yours." I
was shameful to this point. I knew it because I was
shaking from the anger I felt towards myself. I was
losing my mind.

"No. I didn't mean that. I know we are the closest of
friends. I know we love each other." He said calmly as
usual.
Love, he meant friendship rather. I knew he loved me,
but in its everyday sense, that's it.
"You don't know how much I care about our friendship",
he continued, his eyes still directing at me, "and I
know I can sit comfortably with you, sharing
everything with you. "

"I am sorry about that." I said with little intention
to repent. I saw his eyes and I was melted in its
blue. And I again marvelled at his beauty, boyish, yet
masculine.

"I will never try that on you again." I mumbled again.

"You don't know", Erik looked excited and furious, but
still with restraint. "If you say you love me, we can
work it out and experiment if you are serious about
it, but you can't force yourself on me, like you did
just now."

"Why did you choose to express it that way, like a
rapist, or whatever?" By then I saw the hurt in his
voice and my puzzled mind was desperately making sense
of each word, serious, experiment, love... Oh God I
don't think I can handle that.

I walked toward him and held his left hand. Both being
leftie we knew how our left hands felt when held
together. Peace. Friendship and brotherhood...

"You serious, Jens?" he asked.

I was struggling inside. Tell him? No, an end to our
friendship. Hold back? But how can I face him every
day afterwards.

I let out a muffled sob. The dam had been broken and I
was not going to mend it. I held my face on his hand
and sobbed shamlessly like a five year old. "Too hard
for me to say for sure...", I was trying desperately
for at least a sentence.

Then I felt a warm hand on my head, tousling my hair
and soothing my melancholy, my pain that I kept secret
for so many years.

"it's okay." He whispered. "It's okay Jens, I love
you. Bro, it's okay. But please give me some time I
need to work this out, in my own way."

I was still burying my face in his hand, and his
sleeves had been soaked by my tears. Then I felt
wetness on my face, warm wetness on my cheek. Erik
planted several soothing kisses on my cheek, forhead
and eyelids. I stopped sobbing. And he looked into my
eyes, "Hi bro, don't feel sad about it. I take it as a
compliment. But please give me some time to think this
over. I need it badly." I nodded. He held my hand and
dragged me onto the path. I tentatively drew his head
towards my shoulder and he obliged. Being taller than
he I could not bend and lean on him.

My mind was racing, searching for the right answers to
the thousand questions roaming in my head.

Erik was by my side, not furious any more. And that
kept me peaceful for a good while.


(To be continued)

Any comments please send them to
truecolour2000@yahoo.com

Criticism is welcome but guys please be gentle.

Michael