Date: Sun, 9 Mar 2003 20:29:28 +0000 (GMT)
From: M. Heng Chen <meandthemoment@yahoo.co.uk>
Subject: High School: Following my heart Part II

Copyright 2003: M. E. Bjornssen

Disclaimer: If you are under age or offended by
homosexual relationships please go away immediately. I don't wish to rob
you of your smallish world...
For the rest of you guys, please enjoy.

I am really sorry for keeping silent for almost 6 months. I have no
excuse for the long absence anyway but now I decide to go on with the
story between erik and jens. If you have any comment please address them
to my new email address:

meandthemoment@yahoo.co.uk

Thanx go to those who write to me about the story and who I have let down
by not being able to continue with it.

Following my heart Part II

from the last episode:

My mind was racing, searching for the right answers to
the thousand questions roaming in my head.

Erik was by my side, not furious any more. And that
kept me peaceful for a good while.

Part II

We almost reached the place. And I hesitated before I knocked at the
door. I turned to look at Erik in search for a sign of approval. And he
nodded slightly.

The Christmas party was already in full swing. My family and his, and a
couple of friends from the neighbourhood, and of course our mutual
friends from the high school. It was the last Christmas before
graduation, so we didn't want to miss out on that. Erik and me moved
around and made small talks with most of them. We finally settled in a
corner where we discovered Mark and Georg, our best friends. We talked
about the usual things that interested us all, but I kept trailing off to
some unknown section of my mind. Everyone except me noticed that as they
kept asking if I was okay. In a way I was, because Erik remained by my
side, and his mere presence was soothing, even somewhat exciting. But
then I just didn't know what we were up to after this incident. I
suddenly stopped regretting all I have said and done during that night.
For I had to tell him anyway, and it would make life much easier if I
told him earlier rather than later.

"Jens, are you okay?" Mark was always the most caring figure in our
circle.

"I think I am, thanks." I managed a weak smile and said nothing more,
just sipping from my drink.

"Any plan after high school?" Georg shot me a friendly smile.

"I am applying to Oxford in Britain", I said non-chalantly."Still waiting
for their response but will know before long."

I noticed Mark and Georg didn't look enthusiastic after they heard this.
But then I had to draw an arbitrary line there to mark the end of our
stay together in this small town. It was never my scene.

"What about you guys?"I asked.

"We are just going to Stockholm." Georg said softly.

"And Frida and Eva are going as well." Obviously Mark was happy with
Stockholm.

"A decent university, I might think of going as well." Erik's voice
sounded unexpectedly. And I couldn't help smiling at him. I thought he
was going to keep silence all night. But then I was a bit worried. He was
going to another university and we would not be able to see each other
that often.

"Georg, are you still seeing Eva?" Erik continued.

"No." That syllable took so much from Georg that I thought he was
suppressing something inside his body."Not any more because I guess we
are too different to be good friends."

"Then you are not just good friends." Mark said in disbelief."You are
lovers, you fancy one another and you enjoy being with each other."

"Yeah I agree", Erik tried not to sound sarcastic."Georg man you are far
too decent to be a good boyfriend. If you will ever talk about Eva like
this I am going to punch you."

Georg seemed to be irritated by our ganging up on him. "What do you know
about me? What do you know about her? And what entitles you to make
judgment on my behalf?" Usually Georg was not like this.

But then Erik was not like his usual self as well. He pressed on with his
characteristic monotone, "Let's face it Georg. We all know what is going
on between you two and we all know what you are thinking. Sure there is a
lot of pressure at this time of the year. Graduation. Heading in
different ways. Yes there is uncertainty but can you be a man for once?
Stop denying the fact and make that poor girl happier. You know you two
are a great match." Erik almost stuttered at this point. But he went on
preaching," but then you have to make your own decision. It is YOUR life
but we are your friends and we CARE!"

I thought I saw him look my way when he uttered "a great match", but then
it might just be an illusion. I saw lots of things when I was around him,
but then I just couldn't help. He was just so good to look at. A guy
should never be punished for his vivid imagination.

Getting out of the momentary trance I realised there was an awkward
silence setting in. Georg and Mark were fiddling with the drinks. I
raised my drink and chanted "for us!" To my great joy they eased off and
all four of us toasted to the ending season, the ending that was fated to
come, yet that was what we were anxiously anticipating.

The party was ended shortly after 3. Everybody was heading home. Erik's
parents were asking if he was going with them as well. I pulled his arm
slightly and said,"can you stay so we can talk?" He looked relieved and
replied "I thought you'd never ask." He then told his father that he was
going to spend the night here. There was no more question asked because
this has been the usual practice over the years, him staying the night or
vice versa.

We went to my bedroom and prepared for the night. We didn't talk when we
undressed and brushed our teeth. But the silence, like usual, felt so
soothing. Erik stripped down to a pair of briefs, but then I have seen
him in various states of undress for so many times. Still each time I
looked at his slim yet well-toned body I couldn't help yearning that he
was mine. I liked his unimposing figure and there was something sexy
about his soft yet assertive manner.

My bedroom smelt of Citrus flower. Erik's cologne, and mine as well. We
used the same type but then his smelt better. It was because of the
strange blend of his perspiration and the cologne. It was so masculine,
yet unobtrusive, unassuming, like the rest of Erik. I was letting out a
faint smile.

"Ah, Jens, savouring some happy memories or just overwhelmed with
unhealthy daydreaming." Erik was amused by my untriggered smile.

"Nothing." I shot back, grinning more. I slid under the duvet and put my
hands under my head. He had already assumed that position. We were just
inches apart but then we came within a hair's breadth of each other, like
always.

"So you are gay." He said softly, gazing at me.

"Yes." I tried to avoid his glance but I could feel its warmth. It was
not questioning or challenging or something.

"Talk to me."He proceeded to hold my head with his right hand. I was a
bit surprised. "I know you have a lot to say. It must be hard."

"Oh yeah, very." I tried not to sound hurt or something, despite the fact
that it was hard. "Being gay is hard enough. But falling in love with my
best friend is even worse. I am treading on a thin line now. And I need
to know where I stand with you since you know I am a potential threat." I
couldn't help sounding hurt. I never could hide anything before him.

"It's okay. I don't mind you being gay. But I cannot say for sure where
we stand now. I know I like you a whole lot. But I am not sure if I am
gay as well. I think for the moment we are still best friends." He
squeezed my neck when he finished these words.

"Suspicious..." I din't know why but I felt there was something unsaid in
his words.

"What?" He was confused at my response.

"You said you are not sure if you are gay or not. And for the moment we
are still best friends. Why can't you be sure about your own sexuality?
And do you foresee any change in our relationship?" I emphasised the word
"relationship."

"Oh," he sighed softly. " well, we are not in a relationship yet." He
playfully retorted and took care to emphasise "yet".

I turned to look at his face. There was a faint smile on his face.

"I am not saying I am gay. Cannot bear with the idea of being defined by
my sexuality. Look I like you but now I need to look at you in an
entirely different way. And although I think I do seem to like you more
than is normal..." He smirked when he said the last word.

"Normal? what do you mean?" I pretended to be alerted.

"Jens, don't be silly. I know you know I was just joking. Terrible sense
of humour." He punched me softly on my upper arm.

By now I felt fully relaxed because Erik was not mad at me after the
incident and I had the vague feeling that he liked me more after that.
But it might be just one of my myriad fantasies about him. So I decided
to find out.

I leaned my head on his shoulder and planted a kiss on his neck. He
didn't resist. I became more bold and adventurous and started to push my
lips against his. I felt myself melting when our lips touched. But there
was something that tried to hold my body back. I realised it was his arm
pulling me backward a little bit. He whispered in my ears "No Jens I
think I am not ready for it. I think I cannot do it now." His voice was
so soft and caring I didn't feel a bit hurt. Still I reluctantly drew us
apart and noticed on his face there was a faint smile.

"Jens, just want to let you know I like you a whole lot, but in my own
way. I need to figure out if I really want to do this with you or not. I
just need some time." He was not offended by my advances, I could tell.

"Jens don't feel bad about that. Promise me!" He held my head toward his
chest and let it lie there. "As long as you don't stir I could live with
the idea of it staying there." He whispered again. I couldn't help
chuckling.

We drifted off to sleep soon, me in his arms. I didn't stir that night.
He didn't either. I didn't want to rewind the happenings in the forest
because I felt there was no need. The words he said to Georg, I suddenly
realised, were addressed to himself in a way. Was it a certain kind of
endorsement of our predicament? I didn't know but I did know that Erik
loved me in his own way. I could endure that for a while...

To be Continued...

Hi guys, criticisms are welcome! Please address them to my new email
address meandthemoment@yahoo.co.uk

And I promise that I will not play an asshole this time. The next episode
will come in a few days...

Michael