Date: Tue, 10 Jun 2008 22:11:36 +0200
From: feistontibia@gmail.com
Subject: For the sake of it:   Emotions on display chapter 1

---------------------DISCLAIMER--------------------
This story will eventually contain sexual acts
between underage males. It will also contain strong
language, violence and graphic details.
If you are underage, stop reading now.
If you live in an area where any of these before
mentioned acts are illegal, stop reading now.
If you're offended by existentialist views, or sexual
acts between male teenagers, stop reading now.
If this does not apply for you, enjoy reading!
---------------------DISCLAIMER--------------------


			New York, June 2008

A normal day like any other. Nothing worth memorizing, nothing worth to
write down, simply nothing. Unless you count being shouted at by your
math teacher as eventful. Normally it would be eventful, but since it
was something that happened everyday....nothing. Do you know how it
feels to be alone? And with alone I mean alone in the greatest sense of
the word; feeling as if society doesn't care for you at all. Alone as in
having no one of who you think is a true friend; as if they're only
pretending. Alone as in not knowing what to do in your future, or why to
even care about the future. It used to suck, loneliness.

Yet somehow, it feels like some kind of a relief. A relief in the sense
of not having to depend on someone else. You're basically on your own,
and your here for yourself. If you have friends, or a relationship,
people expect you to "take things in mind" concerning other people's
thoughts. They expect you to have the same thought pattern, the same
interests. They want you to be there for them, even when you should be
there for yourself. Sounds kind of selfish doesn't it ? Well it is, but
we're taught not to think about ourselves first.

Where the feelings come from, I have no idea. I didn't use to think like
this, it just happened at some point. Thoughts about what life means,
about what our final goal is; why are we here? What are we expected to
do? In some books I've read that the human main purpose is reproduction.
Ironic, being a sixteen year old gay boy, this leaves me again with
nothing. No way I'm gonna stick my thingy inside of a girl to "reproduce
myself".  I don't think I'd be able to without puking, and between you
and me; who would really want to put a child in a world like this? I'm
sorry; there my thoughts go again. Just think about what we're doing
here on this planet. We're using everything that nature produced in
billions of year. We're having governments that throw other governments
aside for the sake of freedom.

Freedom, another one of those...filthy words. In this world there is no
absolute freedom. We've got freedom of speech; until a certain point.
We've got freedom in the choices we make, what kind of a job we want,
what we want to do with our lives, you name it. But think more deeply;
our choices? They're only accepted if they fit in the general image.
What kind of a job we want? Exactly, Want, not get. It is not the
individual who decides what job you get, but the higher person in the
office who decides if you will. What we want to do with our life ? Yes,
as long as it fits in what society expects of you. Our society; a box
the size of our western world. And if you dare fall out of this box, or
even think outside of it, people will mark you as crazy, an anarchist or
even an existentialist.

These kind of people are dangerous; a threat. They believe in everything
where normal people in the big society box don't believe in. Some famous
movie came with a special quote, and it goes a little something like
this: "Government is there to keep people sane, in order. Without
government, we would be reduced to savages". Now I think the last time
people didn't have a government system was...I don't even know when we
didn't have a government system. My historical knowledge isn't too
perfect.
But let us return to our all-covering box. The individual in this world
is of zero importance. Let's face it: what you and I do, what does it
really contribute on a larger scale? Unless your in a very high
government position, with a great view outside of the box, what can you
do to ultimately change this world?

I have always compared life with an essay. Imagine yourself in English
class, and your teacher gives you this huge assignment. The assignment
is: Write an essay about the English language. Of course your teacher
wants it to be very detailed, with great illustrations, and a perfect
lay-out. You go home, and start your project. The teacher told you that
you had about 4 months to produce it, and that it better be good, or
else. In between line: Again I didn't have a say, or a choice in what I
was going to do. It was forced on me by someone with a higher place in
our happy box. Boom. Computer turned on, and now let's wait for the
computer to start up, so we can open up our word program and a few fancy
sites with information about the English language. Of course, when your
finally typing away, you realise that finding the information wasn't as
easy as you thought, and that making a representable essay out of it is
also going to be a problem. Ok then, we're stuck here. You thought the
essay would take a few days, but in the end it did take you five months.
In these five months, you have been going up- and downhill. You faced a
lot of problems, you had fun times doing it, but even more times when
you could literally throw your computer out of the window. The emotional
influence this essay brought on you is not describable. You go to class,
with the essay your so proud of. The essay that took so much of your
time, so much of your patience.

Your teacher walks up to you, smiles, and takes in the essay. "Well
done!" She says, and takes the essay to the nearest dustbin. With one
more devilish grin, she drops your essay. Right into the bin. Along with
all the chewing gum, pieces of bread, failed papers, everything. She
walks back to her office and marks down an: acceptable. You might think
now: what does this have to do with life? Just think about it. You live
your whole life, and then in the end? You die. Simple as that. You put a
lot of effort and emotions into it. You've had more downfalls than
actual happiness. You started relationships and ended them. With what
goal? To be thrown in the dustbin, and get an: acceptable. Now an
acceptable isn't something you get easily though. You can only achieve
this, when you've lived according to the box's rules. If you followed
the right guide-lines; the laws. If not, they will probably dispose of
you even before you finished your essay, your life. Just like the
teacher, when you go wrong, she'll put you back on the right track. Or
at least, what she thinks is the right track..
I don't want to have it anymore though. I don't want a teacher to
correct me if what I do is wrong in her eyes. As long as I don't hurt
anyone with it, it should be none of her concern.

Now I'm lying here in my bed, awake for the last couple of hours. I'm
trying to see the purpose of the why. A why for everything. Why do I
have to feel like this? Are there other people feeling like this? And
WHY are they feeling like this?
Why am I worrying about stuff that eventually don't matter in the end? I
mean, no one is going to look back in a hundred years and think: "hey!
This boy was thinking this, how cool!" No, I'm just doing it for myself,
but it doesn't solve anything.
What I also cannot put out of my head is the thought of what I'm gonna
do when I grow up. I'm doing school like everyone else, study like
everyone else, and eventually...will be expected to have a job like
anyone else. Yet the thoughts that are now in my head completely repel
this idea. I simply do not live to work. I should work to live. And
work? The less the better. I don't need a lot of money, as long as I can
be happy. You can now attack me with: what do you care? Your the one
saying that everything doesn't matter in the end; so why go to school?
Why work? Simple. Because it is expected of me, and honestly, it's the
road of the least resistance. At least it is for now, while I'm still
living with my parents. When I leave their house at some point, things
are going to change. Drastically so.

The plans aren't there yet, but you'll see. Just you wait. Things will
change. I can't say for the better or the worse, but at least they'll be
my complete own decision. Decisions outside of the box. Something I'd
really like to do is see more of the world. Visit other country's, meet
other cultures, see different landscapes, everything that I don't know
yet. It's best to just have a wide image of the world as it is. I don't
want to be secluded in my own area, I want to know what different
cultures do for their living, how they get along with each other, and
how in some country's they manage to do stuff with a lot less than we
do. When it is my time to die, I want to know as much as there is to
know about this world. And then I don't mean the trivial things you
learn out of school books. I mean the real thing, the real knowledge,
reality. Observed from outside of the box.

My thoughts have strayed far, I began with loneliness, and now I'm up to
traveling. Let's head back one more time to the loneliness. Loneliness
has a few stages; it begins with concern about why your feeling lonely,
what you can do about it, and how you feel about it. After this period
comes the self-pity, you don't think there's any way out of your
loneliness, and in this confused state there basically is none. Now most
of the people get a push to start being more social; they built specific
walls, to keep themselves inside of the box, and to get hurt less
frequently. They'll start dating, and their basically back on the
straight road in the box. For others, and I count myself as one, the
realisation dawns on you that it's actually not quite so bad, that every
disadvantage has it's advantages. If you're up to this point, you will
recover yourself, with a whole new view on life. You realise that your
alone, but that alone doesn't equal unhappy, or disadvantaged. It equals
individualism; your the king of your own life, and there is nothing
holding you back. Unless you count the protectors of the box; the
police. But you don't have to do anything to upset them now do you. Just
keep below the surface...

My goal in life is, like I mentioned, to know as much about the world as
possible. I want to gather as much knowledge about all the things I find
interesting. Now in society's eye, I should use my knowledge to teach
people, or to have a proper job to use the skills I acquired. I can
produce things, but in the end of the day, I don't produce them for
myself. Nothing I do really is for myself. You work, so a company is
able to exist; to produce what they can sell, and make money off. The
only thing I get in return is money. Currency I can use to buy myself
things I need in order to survive. The thing is, there are also people
who are not able to work. People who are either handicapped, too old,
too young or too lazy to work. The money I make, is only partially mine.
I'll have to pay taxes, so these not-working people can also have a good
living. This idea is very noble, but not towards me. Why should I have
to be the one to pay for these people? Why can't it be the government,
the same government that wants all possible influence over us. I will
have to work hard for my money, only to see it be taken away and given
to the poor. And you know what? I wouldn't mind not having all this
money. The only reason I need it is in order to survive. Which is only
partially true; there are still country's in this world where money
isn't used, where people still live in forests, hunting for their food.
Are they unhappy because they haven't got money? No they're not, they
simply don't need it to provide in their needs.

So what are we doing..? This all sounds like one big joke. I don't know
what I feel like more; either cry hysterically, or laugh hysterically.
Both choices fit me at the moment, so why not try both. The world is
insane, and I'm one of the chosen to see this.

These were the last thoughts Damian had before sleep finally took over.
Tomorrow was going to be another day at school, another day of
trivialities and whatever else will happen.

END OF CHAPTER 1

-----------------------------
Note of the author:  Feedback please

Since this is my first submission to the nifty archive, I would gladly
like to hear what Your opinion is in what I posted here. Feedback and
reply's will be my main motivation to continue.

Any feedback; positive or negative: feistontibia@gmail.com
This story is going to be posted in multiple chapters.
As for now, the story does not contain any sexual scenes.
This will change however in later installments, when the characters are
build.
The story will eventually turn out to be a high school romance, with a
darker side towards fantasy. Existentialist views are spread around every
chapter.
-----------------------------