Date: Mon, 16 Jun 2008 14:34:39 +0200
From: feistontibia@gmail.com
Subject: For the sake of it: Emotions on display chapter 3

Written by: Feist
E-mail: feistontibia@gmail.com


---------------------DISCLAIMER--------------------
This story will eventually contain sexual acts
between underage males. It will also contain strong
language, violence and graphic details.
If you are underage, stop reading now.
If you live in an area where any of these before
mentioned acts are illegal, stop reading now.
If you're offended by existentialist views, or sexual
acts between male teenagers, stop reading now.
If this does not apply for you, enjoy reading!
---------------------DISCLAIMER--------------------

				CHAPTER 3

I had no idea how long I had been staring at my dad's jeep. Everywhere
around me, people were trying to get into the bus to get as many people
out of it as possible. On the sidewalks, next to the bus, in the shops
close by, everyone was looking at the scene. Some people were running,
others were just walking absent mindedly, not knowing what to do. It
took maybe three minutes before I heard the sirenes of the first police
cars arriving. They sped like madman, followed shortly by multiple
ambulances. I saw that the girl who I had tried to help, had come out of
the ambulance and was now laying on the floor unconscious. The pain had
to be too much for her. While everything seemed out of order, out of
balance and in a large chaos, my mind calmed itself. I tried to think
straight about what to do, and more likely not to do. Why had my body
reacted seconds before the accident? What had really happened? I guess
these were questions I was never going to find out. I stood up, took a
few more looks and started walking. The police would start asking the
ones who were in the accident soon, and fore some reason, I didn't want
to be there when it happened. I was searching for groups of people who I
could mix into, so no one would notice I was gone from the crash scene.
Slowly, watching my steps as to not gather too much attention, I walked
confidently towards a group of people who all seemed to be busy with
other things. I was scared that someone was going to call me back, to
stay where I was until I could get help. I didn't need help though, I
just needed time to think. Postpone the moment where I had to hear what
happened.

I walked for a good five miles, letting my mind roam freely. I think I
was prepared for the worst to happen. The worst being that one, or maybe
both my parents had died. What would I do in such a scenario? Be put
into the system? Skip from foster parent home to foster parent home? I
don't think so. This was not really something I could live with. If this
were to happen, I'd just walk away from home, and see what comes on my
path. Freedom is the only thing I want, and even though I know I can't
get the freedom I desire, I can at least have as much of it as possible.
There are ways to survive on your own.

The neighbourhoods I was getting into where vastly becoming less
attractive. The houses weren't as neat, the streets seemed to look
dirty, and the cars became older and older. From inside a few houses I
heard screams occasionally, making me speed up just a bit more, not
wanting to become a target of someone's rage. You never know in these
area's. I decided I had waited long enough, and that it was time to go
home. Never in my life have I been so uncertain to go home, so scared. I
saw a bus stop close by, and the bus was already waiting for passengers.
Walking towards this bus, one of the same vehicles I almost died in a
few hours ago, was like walking on hot brem stones towards hell. The
fright was obviously there, and I felt tiny drips of sweat appear on my
forehead. It was only a few feet now, and as I reached in for my wallet,
I took the last few steps and got into the bus. I payed my fare and
tried to sit as close by the entrance as possible.

It must've been obvious for the bus driver that something was bugging
me, because he kept looking at me strangely, expecting me to blow up or
start assassinating people with a semi-automatic or something. Like in
the other bus I was holding myself towards the chair in front of me,
even though I knew the chances of an an accident happening now was very
small. About five blocks away from my house I got out of the bus, I
needed some more time to think before I actually stepped inside the
door. The walk through this area was very uncomfortable. I stared at
every house, every tree, every car that I could look at. Just to be able
to put my thoughts away for a while. I really didn't want to go home. I
could just turn around and..walk away, find something to do for the
remainder of the day and never come back. What an escape would that be;
never having to know if my parents died or not. For now that seemed like
quite a comforting thought, but I knew it would chase me within a few
hours. As I walked along, I was only two blocks away from my house. My
hands started to shake a bit, and I noticed that my pace was going
slower since last block. I just wanted to be away from it, sink through
the ground or something. Be instant brain-dead, anything but dealing
with the situation. I had entered my street now. I stopped walking and
just looked at my house. It still looked the same as usual. I don't know
why, but for some reason I had expected it to look kind of dead, with
rain clouds above it, shattered windows, anything but the normal image.
The garage was closed, and there was no car in front of it. This didn't
mean anything yet, my dad could've placed it in the garage. That's when
a police car crossed by me and headed towards my house.

I don't know how much longer I stood there, watching the two police
officers step out of their car and walk towards our door. They rang
once, and at this moment I think my heart stopped beating. Who would be
opening the door? It was only a matter of seconds, but to me it seemed
to be like hours. I saw the doorknob go down, and the door opened
softly. Whoever opened the door, was standing far enough away from me
not to be able to see him. The two police men walked inside, and the
door closed again. I knew I had to go home now. This had lasted long
enough. I started walking, but within a few feet I was already running
towards the door. I noticed tears burning in my eyes. Tears of fear,
anger and worry. The door was now only a feet away from me, and when I
reached it, I pressed the bell as hard as I could. I pressed it two,
three times. The door couldn't be open fast enough, whoever it was that
was going to open it. I heard movement from inside the house, and heard
the door click open. Behind the door I saw my mom.

God what a relief. I cried out loud to her. "MOM!, your still here!". I
clamped my arms around her neck and started sobbing uncontrollably.

"Of course I'm here darling, just cry now" my mom said with a voice that
didn't seem too far away from tears herself. She hugged me tightly, and
we just stood there crying for a few seconds.

It dawned on me that if my mother was standing here, crying like me,
something else had to be wrong. I didn't dare to bring the subject up,
feeling too safe in my mother's embrace. In there I felt like if nothing
could ever hurt me. If nothing would even try to hurt me. But it was my
mom who broke the embrace, and held me away from her with her arms only
to look into my eyes, with her own red swollen eyes.

"Let's go sit down in the living room now shall we hon?" my mom asked
me, trying to sound as normal as possible. She let go of me and turned
her back, walking towards the living room. I just stood still watching
her. This was not how my mother normally walked, her normal grace was
gone and she just..carried her body along with her. The spirit was
completely out of it. Her head hung low and I heard her uncontrolled
breath as she turned the door handle towards the living room. Before she
opened it she turned around.

"Do you want mama to make you a cup of tee darling? I was just about to
make some and...we've got some things to talk about". My mom hasted
herself through her sentence, as if she studied the line and knew she
was going to ask me this. "Come one, follow me. Just sit there on the
chair, there's a few police officers and they..." My mom looked towards
the ground and just motioned me to come forward. Like a zombie I started
walking, not knowing if I was the one that was moving my legs. Right
foot before left foot, left foot before right food. It seemed like a
hellish task. I walked through the door, and went to the closest chair,
as far away from the police men as I could. I sat down and stared at my
hands. This was when one of the police officers started talking.

"Hey there son, we've heard you've been in an accident?" one of the
police men asked. I looked up at him, and tried to read his expression.
He had short brown hair, and he had an aura of authority surrounding
him. This was definitely not a man to get into a fight with. His partner
next to him was obviously still a rookie; somewhere in his mid-twenty's,
with a very youthful expression on his face. His expression was one
of..sympathy though, which told me they had bad news. The older cop had
more of a neutral expression, indicating that he didn't want to let
loose too many details yet. They both waited for my mom to come into the
room again. She carried a big plate with four cups on it, all making
noise because of her obvious shaking. There were some cookie's too. She
put the plate on the table, and sat down in the chair next to me. The
moment she sat down, her arm came towards me, pulling me towards her and
stroking my back.

"I'm afraid the two police men have some bad news darling.." my mom
started off, and it was obvious she had no idea how to continue this.
The older police men noticed this and scooted forward in his chair,
about to take over the conversation.

"Damian, you've been into an accident today. You were driving in the bus
when it got hit by a jeep. Now people have been looking for you on the
scene, but no one was able to find you. We had to inform your mother
that you were missing" the elder police men said, now getting a look of
sympathy on his face also.

My mother decided that this was a good time to drop into the
conversation. "Here darling, have some tea. You want sugar in it? Let me
just go get some. I'm sure we have some left" It was obvious that she
couldn't cope with the news the police officer was about to tell me. I
of course knew what it was already, I just blocked it out of my head. I
couldn't accept it yet until I heard it. The elder police officer
cleared his throat. He noticed my mom trying to direct the story
elsewhere and knew it shouldn't be postponed much longer. My mom took
his hint and sat down again, apologizing softly under her breath while
looking at the floor. A tear appeared in her eye and fell in her lap.

"Damian, there is some more bad news." the elder police man said
carefully. The younger police officer was now looking at the floor also.
Apparently he hadn't done this very often, and didn't know how to face
me. How do you face someone who you're about to tell that his dad died?
I would NOT want to be in his position right now.

"You might remember that the bus got hit by a car, a jeep to be exactly.
Now just listen very carefully. The jeep belonged to your dad Damian. He
was speeding for a reason yet unknown, and crashed his car into the bus.
He was most likely killed instantly." The elder police man stopped
talking and only looked at me. He probably gave me some time to react to
the news, expecting me to freak out or break down. I didn't do either
though. I heard my mother cry next to me. I felt her arm trying to pull
me closer to her, and I just let her. My body felt like it belonged to
somebody else. I wasn't able to move it, and felt everything as through
spectators eyes. Like the way you watch a horror movie and feel the pain
that is inflicted to the victims. You realise it's not your pain, but
you still feel it. The officer felt obliged to start talking to me
again.

"Damian..we know the situation might sound very unreal to you. Do you
have any questions perhaps?" I just looked at him with an emotionless
expression. I didn't know what to ask from him, everything was clear. My
dad had died, and he almost killed me along with it. I don't know how
long I had been staring at him, but when he figured out there was
nothing, he resumed.

"If there's nothing, then I just want you to know that your grandma will
arrive here shortly. She's going to stay with you for a few days to help
you and your mom out." Looking for words now, he only had one thing left
to say. "If there's anything you need, if you ever need to talk
about...what happened, here's a card with a number on it. Don't hesitate
to call." He stood up, fetched a white card from inside of his police
coat and handed it over to me. On the card was the number of some Dr.
Averill, and I was to go there whenever I wanted to talk. Like if I was
going to talk to a random stranger about my problems. He would probably
try to lock me away as soon as he heard my thoughts. So that wasn't
going to happen. I didn't know what to do. Normally I have a thousand
things I could do, but they just didn't come to me. I just sat in the
chair and politely greeted the police officer. My mom walked them to the
door and let them out. I could hear some faint whispers, but couldn't
make out what they were saying. When my mom came back she sat down next
to me again, and placed her hand on my knee. She tried to smile weakly,
but it obviously took her a lot of energy to do this. She let out a deep
sigh.

"It's just us now Damian..Just me and you..You have to be strong for me
OK? I can't do this on my own" It dawned on me that my mom was having a
harder time at the moment than I had, so my brain connected the dots and
I figured out I had to comfort her instead. I took her hand and squeezed
it tightly. She then started sobbing uncontrollably and lay her head on
my shoulder. What the hell am I supposed to do in this position? This is
the complete opposite world. My mom should be comforting me, I should
have to be in her safe embrace. Not the other way around. I'm just
sixteen for god's sake, how can she expect me to know the answers? But
then I knew she didn't, she wasn't looking for an answer. She was just
looking for some..care, some tender touch, and at the moment I was the
only one who could give that to her. Tonight, I felt like I had a
thousand kilo's more to carry on my shoulder.

My grandma arrived shortly after. I opened the door since my mother
didn't want to get out of her chair. She said she just needed some time.
I walked to the front door, and everything in the house looked different
to me. I realised my dad was never going to set foot in this house
again. He would never bring home presents when he came back from
business trips, or give me a strong hug when he came back from work. He
would never help me study my math again, even though it made no
difference. I was always glad he did help, it made me feel stronger. In
the hallway were several pictures of our family. It was a happy family,
we were all smiling. Perfect kodak moments of course. I opened the door
and saw my grandma. From the look on her face she had also been crying.
She walked in immediately, and pressed me hard against her.

"oh Damian, Damian, Damian...come to grandma.." she spoke softly while
rubbing my back. I really loved my grandma at that moment. I figured she
would first go towards my mom, but instead she tried to comfort me
first. It had to be hard for her to come over.

"I'm going to make you and your mom some tea, and then we'll just sit
down and talk." my grandma said, a voice filled with worry. My mom was
exactly like my grandma I noticed. If there's a problem, no matter how
big, just make some tea. It solves half the problem. She took me inside
the living room and went to my mother. Seeing her mother was something
that was too much for her. She stood up, cried even louder and fell in
my grandma's big embrace. It was weird seeing these two together. It had
probably been years since my mother had cried with my grandma there, yet
it seemed so..natural. The love they had always shared was largely on
display. I silently went to the kitchen and prepared the tea. My mom
needed my grandma too much right now. I brought in the plate of tea, and
excused myself saying I needed to rest. There was no complaint, they
both figured I needed some space to deal with this.

Up in my room, I undressed and walked over to the mirror. I saw myself
from a whole different angle now. Did I look like my father when he was
young? I had to say that my facial expression looked a lot like him.
Also my eyes had something..unexplainable about them that resembled my
dad's. I pulled down my boxer shorts, I had no reason why. I just wanted
to see myself more clearly. I wasn't way too big down there, but
definitely not too small. But then, I didn't have much to compare myself
with. I pulled up my boxers again and walked over to my bed. I pulled
down the covers and crawled in, laying on my back with my eyes open in
the dark. What was going to happen tomorrow? Am I going to school? How
will my mother be? I expected to not fall asleep too soon. I mean, my
dad had died, mix that up with my normal condition, and expect an
insomniac. But this was not what happened, I fell asleep about ten
minutes after I got in.

What tomorrow was going to bring was a big mystery, for everyone in the
house.


END OF CHAPTER 3


-----------------------------
Note of the author:  Feedback please

And again: THANKS for all the reply I've had so far! That really helped
a lot for my self-esteem ;).
It's scary to just submit a story and wondering if people are going to
like it.
I would gladly like to hear what Your opinion is in what I posted here.
Feedback and reply will be my main motivation to continue.
This story is going to be posted in multiple chapters.
As for now, the story does not contain any sexual scenes.
This will change however in later installments, when the characters are
build.
The story will eventually turn out to be a high school romance, with a
darker side
towards fantasy. Existentialist views are spread around every chapter.
-----------------------------