Date: Mon, 14 Jun 1999 01:02:56 -0700 (PDT) From: Skias Onar Subject: Forever Justin (1 - 3) Chapter 1. I will always miss Justin. No matter how much time passes, I keep coming back to that image of a tall, slim boy with piercing green eyes, full lips and two full strings of pearls that he would flash at every smile. And he did love to smile. Every photo of him that I have in my album, he is always smiling. "Look!" he once said, "I am smiling on every single one of these photos!" We ran through it and indeed he was right! Justin never looked imposing, but the first time we wrestled he surprised me. There was no fat on his body, and he turned out to be quite a bit stronger than I anticipated. Still, that was just the first of a long line of surprises that this boy turned out to be. Even now, when he is so far away, and we only talk about once every couple of weeks over the phone, I look forward to each and every one of our conversations, knowing well that a story awaits me at every call. I still cannot get over Justin and I not being together. Not that I am too surprised. Maybe this is my fault in a way. I could just never imagine Justin making a commitment to another human being. Naturally, I would feel much worse if the man he was with would be anyone but Gordon. It is possible that my own stupidity had a lot to do with it. After all, the three of us were in the same math class the junior year of high school. That was how we all became friends. I should have seen it then. But Gordon was my friend as well, and I could not see where it would all go. Could anyone? Oh well, whatever came out of it, Justin was probably the most important person in my life, and if there was ever a gift sent by destiny -- he was it! Now, that I am looking through those files on his old laptop, I am wondering how much I actually knew about him back then. Still, I have his permission to browse through all those files, at our last conversation he just laughed it off, wishing me a pleasant reading in a typical Justin way. Although browsing through those files I realized that I did not have any right to use the word "typical" next to his name. There was so much I really did not know about the man! The files on the laptop contained writing that Justin did sporadically, whenever he felt the need to communicate with himself, rather than with anyone else. I actually remembered some of it from our conversations. Say this one. He read it out loud to me once when we went to the lake together, on one bright, hot sunny day, the end of our junior year. We were sitting in the shade, watching the people splashing in the lake, when Justin unzipped his backpack and produced a laser printed sheet of paper. He plopped next to me on my beach towel, turned me around so that our backs could touch, then leaned on me as I leaned on him. It felt divine, I wanted the moment to last forever. The silky feeling of his skin against my back swept me away, hitting me with a wave of eroticism I experience only with him. I tried to move closer, as if it were possible... "Listen to this," Justin said. "You are going to like it." And he started reading: `If you only knew the charms of this fantasy, if you could only understand what one feels at the sweet illusion of becoming a woman! An incredible delirium, one abhors this sex and one wants to imitate it. How sweet it is to succeed, how delightful to be the whore of all who wants you, and carrying this prostitution from the first episode to the next be a mistress of a porter, an aristocrat, a valet, a monk, be cherished, caressed, envied, threatened, beaten. At one moment victorious in their arms, at the next a victim at their feet. Cajoling them with caresses, reassuring them with excesses. But morals aside, if you could just imagine the physical sensations of this divine taste, it is impossible to restrain oneself. The titillation is so vigorous, the excitement of voluptuousness so vital. You loose your mind, you become mad. Thousands of kisses one more tender than the other do not exalt to the same extent the ardor into which our partner plunges us. Thrown into his arms, mouths glued to each other, we want our own existence to merge into his, the only thing we want is become one with him, the only thing we dare complain about is being neglected, we want him be more robust than Hercules, we want him to open us up and penetrate us, so that his precious semen gushing out, burning in the depths of our entrails, would make through its heat and its force cause ours to erupt into his hands. Do not imagine that we are made like other men, our construction is entirely different. Heaven created us so that the titillating membrane, that adorns by women the Temple of Venus, bedecks by us a different altar, where our Celadons sacrifice. We are certainly as much women there as real women by the sanctuary of procreation. There is not a single pleasure known to a woman that we do not know, not one that we could not invoke, but in addition we have our own, and it is this fusion that makes out of us the people most susceptible to desire, the most fit for all sorts of passion. It is this enchanting meld that makes impossible the correction of our tastes, that would push us into an abyss of frenzy, if one was stupid enough to punish us, and that makes us adore to the very day we descend into the grave that charming Deity who locked us in these chains.'" "I like it, I think?" I said not quite sure what to make of it. "Seems intense--" "Damn straight!" Justin laughed. "Race ye to the water!" He hopped up from the towel and I almost lost my balance, because I was leaning on him the whole time. Then I sprang up also and ran after him. I caught up with Justin when he was already up to his knees in the water. He kept running, but he could not keep up the speed. The cold water sent shivers up my spine and overwhelmed me with an almost painful but extremely invigorating sensation, shaking off the languor and mollifying fatigue of the sunlight, returning me my strength and vigor. Justin grabbed me and tried to wrestle me down into the water. For a moment I thought I wanted to completely dive into him, absorb all his power, his strength, his skin, muscles, bones, become the same being with him. Instead, I struggled my way out. We splashed and swam for a long time. I did not want it to end. And that was Justin in a nutshell: one moment reading out loud his translations from marquis de Sade, the next wrestling and splashing in the water like a six year old. I secretly marveled at him. I felt completely relaxed, comfortable and on top of the world. Justin and I had become friends very quickly after we met. The first time I saw him was the summer before my junior year. He was working at Annie's -- the coffee shop where I used to hang out often with my friends. We would often go there after movies: with our girlfriends or without, "just us guys", as Gordon called it. The first time I saw Justin, we made eye contact and I was smitten. I was with Sarah then. He glanced at her and squinted a little in a gentle mockery. That look seemed to say: `It's cool. We both understand.' I bumped into him on my way to the washroom. I do not think I really needed to go, I just wanted... I was not really sure what I wanted, but I was hoping for some more contact with that boy. I passed him by and read the name tag. I was rapidly falling in love with every detail, anything that had to do with the boy. I was closing on and with every step I was more and more in panic. What would I say? What if I was wrong? Would it be embarrassing? What if he rejected me? Maybe it was a trap? I was excited and scared. My heart was ready to tear apart my ribcage and break out of my chest. I could barely see where I was stepping. And then, all of a sudden, we were face to face. The planet stopped moving for a second, the sounds died, the world around me collapsed, and now I was all by myself facing the only thing around which the Universe revolved. Somehow, I just kept walking, until all of a sudden I heard behind me: "So, you aren't gonna ask me what time I get off?" A gentle, slightly mocking voice that I learned all the intonations of since then. I turned around and quite stupidly asked: "What time do you get off?" He laughed and that was the first time I saw those two strings of pearls, blinding white, between the full red arches of his lips. "Well, if I could get a ride a couple of hours from now..." It was a Friday night, and mom and dad never asked me what I was doing late on weekend nights, as long as I called and warned them. But even if I was grounded, it seemed that no obstacle, no barrier was serious enough for me at that moment. I felt such a burst of energy, that if there were chains hanging from the sky, I would have grabbed them and pulled the sky down to earth. "Done!" I almost cried out. And this was our first date. The night was warm with just enough breeze to keep it fresh. I drove to the lake, stopped the car at the beach, we got out sat down on the sand next to each other and just listened to the sound of the waves, breathing the fresh lake air, looking at the moonless sky, covered with stars. Justin did not say a thing. He pushed me down and was on top of me in an instant. His lips touched mine, and soon our mouths were glued together. The kiss was soft and moist. He was not trying to push his tongue into my mouth, letting me explore, showing me his tenderness. Justin's mouth had a slightly sour taste, a bit stale. It felt so natural, it just seemed perfect. We helped each other out of our shorts and T-shirts. Glued together in a bear hug, we ran our hands around each other's bodies, touching exploring. The feeling of another boy's skin under my fingers, his smooth chest and back, his abbs, all the way down to his pubes and then the erection that was poking my thigh -- I thought everything around us ceased to exist. I buried my face in his thighs and breathed in the sweet aroma of the boy's body. My lips engulfed his shaft. He bent down and reached for my dick with his fingers. He was gentle and that touch alone was enough to send me into the overdrive. Only a couple of minutes of was enough for both of us, and at the very moment the proof of his passion filled my throat, the ground beneath me dissolved, and while falling down an endless tunnel, my own manhood covered Justin's hand in abundance with its juices. We laid next to each other catching our breaths. "C'me on, let's get cleaned up." Justin finally whispered. He got up and stretched his right hand out to help me up. I grabbed it and we rushed towards the water. "So, how did you know it was ok, you know, to ask for the ride?" I asked Justin once we were out of the water. "I dunno." Justin answered. "I took a chance, I guess. You seemed really cool. And the way you looked at me. Is this your first time ever?" "Yeah. And it felt great. How about you?" "Hell no," Justin laughed. "But it did feel great, no question about that. Anyway, it's cold. Let's get going." "Yeah. Let's--" I repeated mechanically. We dried ourselves as best as we could and got into the car. I started sobering up. It was like all of a sudden someone just drained all my strength from me. I felt so weak, I just wanted to fall asleep on the spot. I could not talk. Thoughts were swarming chaotically in my inflamed brain. Justin was silent as well, and more than anything in the world I wanted to read his mind, understand what was in all this for him? Would we be friends, would he want me again? But beyond that, the thoughts I was trying to shove back into the darkest regions of my mind so they never resurface, those frightening thoughts were occupying me now, during this ride. Now, after all this time of "playing it straight", I finally had to admit it to myself. All the hiding, all the facade, the pretence, lies, denial, all of my life as I knew it -- it was all crushed to pieces and lay in shambles at my feet. I felt completely numb inside, I did not know what to think, how to react. I knew I could lie to everybody. But I could not lie to myself. I stopped the car in front of Justin's house. "Wanna come in?" he asked. "I can see what we've got in the fridge. Don't know about you, I'm fucking ravenous." We both came in. I silently followed Justin to the kitchen, he turned on the light and started getting stuff out of the fridge. "We can warm up some steaks, cool! Salad, we've got fries! Let's feast!" Then he looked at me, squinted and tilted his head a little. "Ok. What's bugging you Chris?" he asked. "It's nothing," I tried to defend myself. How could he understand. "All right." Justin said putting all the food down on the kitchen table. "You know, I think I know what it is. But you need to talk to me, I might be able to help. It's a trip, man, but I've been through it, believe you me. Problem is I went through all of that shit by myself, you don't have to." "I dunno," I replied reluctantly barely dragging the words out of my mouth. "I am scared, I guess. You know. Fuck!.." I stopped. I just could not say it. "You are scared of what? That you are gay?" Justin pulled up a chair and sat close to me. He wrapped his arm around my waist, pulled me close to himself and kissed me gently on the lips. A warm wave passed through my entire body. "How did it feel, sweetie?" Justin asked softly. Without allowing time for me to respond he continued: "You know, I used to be the same way. I knew early on that I was different, I knew what I liked and I was afraid the world would find out and my life as I knew it would be over. I thought I was alone like that in the whole world, I thought I was sick and immoral. And you know what? I would go around school hallways, the mall, play basketball at the park and I would fucking fall in love five times a day. I'm not kidding. I was devastated. I thought everyone around me knew and I was scared shitless. At first I would just suppress all that crap, but it would come back more forceful every time. I would beat off five, seven, ten times a day, always thinking of some cute boy and finally there was no escape. I had to face it. So I figured whatever anyone said, this was the way I was. These things felt good to me, they felt natural. Fuck! That was what I wanted to do. I did not choose to be that way, I was like this by nature, so it could not be too bad, if nature made me like this -- I guess that's what it wanted and I could change it no more than I could change the color of my eyes. But if I was fine, then our minister who never passed a chance to speak out against gays was full of crap. I thought about it for a minute and figured: yeah, why not?! I actually want to see the look on that motherfucker's face when they prove that being gay is genetic or something. Then what will he do with his Bible?!" I was quite stunned. What Justin said made sense, I kind of thought about it myself, but hearing it from someone else, someone my age... "But they will still say it is abominable to God's law and morality. It is repulsive and unnatural" I answered weakly wanting to hear more. Justin laughed. "Nothing created by Nature can be repulsive. It is all wonderful, however if you are not convinced, I am going to show you something. Let's eat first." Justin quickly threw a couple of steaks on the frying pan and when the smell of cooking meat and the sound of sizzle filled the kitchen, I remembered how hungry I actually was. We devoured our food, Justin grabbed a can of coke from the fridge and handed one to me. "Come on," he motioned me to follow him. Justin's room was quite sizable. A big bed, next to it a very solid, comfortable desk with books and papers scattered all around it. Bookshelves full of books all around the walls. Justin turned on the desk lamp, its soft light lit up the desk with a laptop in the middle. That very laptop I "inherited" when Justin moved out of town. He punched a few keys and after some crunching the screen lighted up with tiny black beads of letters. "Here. Sit on the bed. Listen to this: `He used to place a girl on top of a wooden dock in the middle of a deep pool with a wall over it offering an escape, assured by a ladder attached to the wall. A slow fire would consume the docks from behind, forcing the girl to finally jump into the pool. She could not swim, and if she drowned right away -- then it was over, if she managed to get to the ladder, she would climb it and the stone on top, prepared for this purpose would collapse under her feet and she would be precipitated into a hole the cover of which would break under her weight and she would be thrown onto a burning grill, where she would perish. The scoundrel present during the whole spectacle would masturbate watching it.'" I was baffled and terrified. Justin looked at me without smiling. "Do you get it?" he asked. His voice was husky, there was passion in it. "Things like that never happened and never will, I hope. That is not the point. The point is human mind actually thought of something like this. And who knows, maybe someone can get off on a disgusting thing like that. And then, if you think about it, then you will see that there is no difference between straight and gay people. Neither of us want to kill or torture, all we want is to love somebody, to caress them, to care for them, to have sex with them. This is all. That's as far as our desires go. The only difference -- we want the company of the same sex, they -- the opposite one. Big freaking deal! Compared to where sex fantasies can take us, this is absolutely nothing. So, get comfortable, buddy! It's gonna be a lot of fun!" There was a lot to think about, but I would do it tomorrow. Yes. Absolutely tomorrow. It was quite enough for one night. I fell asleep before my cheek touched the pillow. I dreamed of a slim boy with green eyes and light brown hair, I kissed him on his moist, warm lips and drank in his wonderful scent. It was the best dream of my life, but somehow I knew that I was about to wake up to the reality that was even better. Perhaps because the reality was sleeping next to me with its arm wrapped around my waist and its even breath warming my neck. Chapter 2. I woke up and the first thing I saw were the red digits of my clock-radio. It was just past midday. I sat up in bed and looked around the room. On my night stand, I saw the laptop. Justin's old laptop. The one I saw for the first time on that night five years ago when we had first met. I felt a slight tingle, some kind of a twist inside of my stomach. Justin. All the good times we had together, perhaps my own indecisiveness, maybe my possessiveness were at fault. If not, we might have been together today. Still, I have the "legacy" -- the laptop with all the stories. Justin was bilingual, his mother was French and he spoke it fluently, and read in French more than he did in English. The laptop contained lots of elegies to his mother, it seemed Justin would never be as comfortable with himself as he was so early on, if it were not for her. And even now, he probably considered her the best friend he had ever had... I pulled the laptop over and turned it on. Looking at random through Justin's personal directory, I opened one of the files that dated about a couple of years before we first met. He had to be fourteen then. The piece was written in French, here is the translation: `I almost knocked Howard down, and that was how we met. I was skateboarding on Leary, a great place to go boy watching, and he just appeared out of nowhere. Next thing I knew -- my skateboard was flying somewhere towards the traffic, the street around spinning in circles, and a warm, hard body breaking my fall. We got up and I was just so lost. I did not know whether to apologize or to run. The skateboard was nowhere in view and I was staring at him like a total moron. At first he seemed furious and I was already feeling sorry for my silly ass, but at that moment he just smiled. And then laughed. And it was so infectious, I laughed too. He had the most dazzling smile I had ever seen, his whole face lit up. It was impossible not to laugh with him. He was probably twenty something, I could not really tell, blonde hair, blue eyes, full lips. Maybe not too handsome, but I was so frustrated at that time anyway, I probably fell in love right there and then (what a surprise!). "Sorry pal," he said. "I should've been looking where I was going." "It's ok. I'm sorry. I've got to find my skateboard." "I think it's right over there--" I found the skateboard, and it was not that badly damaged at all. We both examined it, and there was nothing else to do or say, we could shake hands and part now. But I so didn't want him to leave! What could I do to make him stay?! He probably would want nothing to do with a little kid like me. "I'm Justin," I blurted out, grabbing at straws to make him stay. "Nice to meet you, Justin." And he smiled again. "Howard." We shook hands. The handshake was firm. And then again I did not know what to do. We just stood there for a second, staring at each other. Then he broke the silence: "Tell you what. Looks like you're done skateboarding anyway. Come, have some coffee with me. On me, since it was probably more my fault than yours." We went to Chez Marceline, and he treated me very nicely. Like an older brother. He was attentive, got me everything I wanted and did not even let me carry stuff to the table. I felt like I was on top of the world. I did not think of anything, I just wanted it to last longer. Forever would be nice. He turned out to be twenty two, junior at the University. He told me he had an apartment at the U village and asked if I wanted to hang out with him there after we finished our coffee. I agreed. At that point I felt I would go anywhere with him, he seemed so attractive and mature and smooth and caring. I was totally charmed, more like hypnotized. I guess first time for everything, next time someone proposes something like this, I would know better. But at that moment, my head was spinning, the world was spinning, and I just wanted it to keep spinning. His little Honda was parked right in front of Chez Marceline. There was a fifteen minutes ride to the U village. He put his hand on my knee and I covered it with mine, and we rode this way without saying a word. At his apartment, things started happening pretty quickly. Once we had crossed the threshold, he scooped me up and carried me to his bedroom. Then he lowered me down on the bed and started kissing me and ripping my clothes off at the same time. Cannot say I was not excited, but it seemed so weird, I did not think it would be like this the first time. I did not know what I thought. Then I figured, hey, I got my wish, here is the man I am in love with (I really thought that, damn, unbelievable!), and he is sharing the feelings, so sex is natural... And so I just abandoned myself to it. He was kissing me and ripping my clothes off, I started doing the same to him. He had a really great body. Toned and natural -- great pecs and biceps, firm abs. I was totally floating somewhere in the clouds. It took him a while to get my underwear off. He kept touching and kissing and sniffing me there. It was funny and exciting. I think I laughed once or twice. Then he turned around, moved my briefs down and swallowed my dick. I couldn't believe this was happening to me. It felt so good, though. I did the same, imitating his movements. It was hard to concentrate on it though, so I just abandoned myself to his care. I was getting too close anyway. I grabbed his ass and squeezed his head between my thighs. Then, in one shot, I just came in his mouth. I thought he would be mad but he just smiled, spat on his hand and in a few seconds jacked himself off to an orgasm. We kissed and he lay down next to me. Those were the best thirty seconds of my life, I thought everything was going to be different now, for the first time it felt really good and natural to be gay. If there were any doubts in my mind before that I was in love, they were all gone now. "Ok." He said after a pause. "Let's go clean up." We got up and took a shower, washing each other carefully. It was just getting better and better every second, I thought. Then, all of a sudden, while we were getting dressed, everything just crashed. "I take it you will find your way home, Justin?" Howard asked. He could knock me down with a feather at this moment. `What?!' I thought, `After all this? He's throwing me out? It can't be! It's not happening to me!' I just stood there staring at him looking like a total dummass, not knowing which way to turn, what to say. "I see. He is confused. He does not know what to do." Howard said speaking of me in the third person, all of a sudden. "Listen," and he took me by the arms. "You are a very cool kid, and I like you a lot, but please don't look so stunned. I am sorry if you thought of something that just was not there in the first place, but hey, we both had a good time and we could run into each other again some day!" "Fine." I said, regaining whatever was left of my composure. "But don't you think it's just damn rude of you to throw me out like this? Don't you think you owe me at least something for all this, at least a ride home, if anything? Damn it Howard, you knock a boy off his feet, I mean literally, have fun with him, get off, and then just want to toss him away like that? You are just a fucking bastard!" I was screaming at this point. I don't know where I got the anger and the courage to say all this, I guess I was just furious with myself for being so naïve. Plus I did not think there was a whole lot to loose. Howard gave me one of those smiles of his and invited me over to this bedroom again. He sat me on the bed and sat next to me. "Ok, Justin." He said quite solemnly. "You seem to be a very nice, intelligent guy. So, let me explain something to you, and I hope you will learn from it." He paused for a moment, looking me straight in the eye all the time while gathering his thoughts. "What right do you think you have to claim that I owe you something," he started still looking me straight in the eye. "Why do you think I would have to have any consideration for you? Because I am older than you, so I should be more responsible? Let's not be ridiculous. There is no such thing as responsibility as far as Nature is concerned. When I saw you, I was very taken by your beauty. It seems like you were not indifferent to mine either. So, we got together and did what came naturally to both of us. And now, that the well has run dry, why would one of us have more power over the other? Why would you claim that I should be "indebted" to you for some reason? This claim is a pure outrage to nature and common sense." "But", I tried to object feeling more and more angry, "But I thought you had feelings for me!" "Nothing more absurd than that, my friend. Look. You are only what? Fourteen? What did you think could be between you and me beyond a purely sexual attraction. Let's not waste the precious time arguing about it. Yes, I knew what you were feeling and took advantage of it. Can you blame me? I did not force you into anything, you agreed voluntarily to share the pleasure with me, it was your choice all the way. You did not ask me about what I felt, and you could have. You didn't, because just like me you wanted sex. Well, sex was what you got and now we can part on good terms." I was furious, but the more I thought about what Howard had said, the more it made sense. First of all, I started to realize, that no matter what I pretended to think before, I had no real feelings for him anyway. True it was shocking, but after all, what we did WAS natural for both of us, both of us had a good time, and so why should any of us feel compelled to go out of his way for the other?! All of a sudden, I actually felt free, besides, this was my first time, so I could totally savor the experience of becoming a "man". "I guess I should be more careful when I meet older men from now on?", I said quietly. "I see you are a quick learner!" Howard laughed and slapped me on the back. "Yeah, kiddo, stick to your own crowd, but still be careful even then. Come on now, I'll take you home." And seeing the look of surprise on my face he added: "You didn't seriously think I'd kick you out just like that, did you? No, I just wanted you to learn something from the experience. Come on. It's getting late." And he drove me home, kissed me good night on the cheek and drove off. I never saw him again.' I put the laptop back at its place on the night stand and snickered to myself. Again, like many times before I could not help thinking about how much Justin there was in this story: seducing someone much older, falling in love, than in an instant sobering up. I wonder what would I have done in the same situation. Would probably never happen to me though. To get into a story like that, you needed personality. Justin's personality. Chapter 3. The junior and senior years were my best school years by far. I was going out with Justin all the time, and never bothered to date anyone else. At first I was concerned about other kids at school. The word "fag" was very much on everyone's lips in reference to everything that did not seem to fit into the "normal" set of high school values. Kids who were into theatre, who were friends with girls, did not play sports were teased every now and again by some bullies. Justin soon convinced me not to be afraid. "I would not recommend it to everyone", he said to me once, "even though it is unfortunate that we have to hide something that is only natural. However, those who call you fag and harass you do so because they think they are stronger than you are. Once you become a victim, you stay a victim and you are open to all kinds of abuse from anyone. If you are courageous enough to break through that cycle, then they will be afraid of you and will leave you alone. In essence they are all cowards and a determined fifth-grader would probably be enough to make them run." I chuckled at his remarks, but at the end figured pretending was simply too much for me. Justin felt so good, why would I want to pretend? And so, we did not date girls our last two years of high school, but we did not confirm anything when people asked if we were boyfriends. There was still a matter of safety. It was especially amazing that we did not get teased or harassed at all. I guess it was because Justin's self assuredness and the air of strength that he had about him created a very strong impression. He came through as someone who would not take crap from anyone. I could not help but admire this quality in him. "How do you manage to do it so well?" I asked him once. He pondered for a moment as if deciding whether or not to share something. "Well," he said after a short pause, "I am going to tell you. But you'd probably have a hard time believing it. Yet this was how it happened." We were in his bedroom at the moment. It was a cold night in October or November, but it was very, very warm under the covers cuddling with Justin. Justin leaned towards his nightstand and turned on the light. I could see half of his face in the week light from the night stand. He seemed half-real in that light, so instinctively I touched his abs. They were warm and silky, just the way I liked it. It was still him. Justin put his hands on my thighs and stroked them gently. We were silent for a moment. He was gathering his thoughts. I did not want the moment to end. "Ok," Justin started his narrative, "One very warm Sunday night in the summer of my sophomore year, I was walking home from somewhere -- I don't remember where it was, a movie or something, or maybe after hanging out with some friends. It was already quite dark, but it was wonderful to breathe the fresh air, so I was enjoying my walk and actually took a longer route to make it last. All of a sudden this car pulls up. It was quite nice, a Lexus I think, and there is this cutest guy pulling down the passenger side window smiling at me. `Hi,' he says. `Hi,' I answer back. `Man, I am really lost here. Could you tell how to get to--' And he mentions some address in the neighborhood. It was really close, but kind of hard to explain with all of our streets meandering and crossing each other like crazy. He looked awfully cute, probably not older than seventeen, so I said: `It's kinda hard to explain. If you want I'll hop in and navigate you. It's really close and not too far out of my way!' `Are you sure?' he asks and smiles at me and my heart melts right there. So, I get into the car. The moment the passenger door closes behind me, I hear the auto-locks click, and before I have a chance to do or say anything, two hands grab me from behind and some cloth soaked in something is pressed against my nose and I pass out. I am not sure how long I was out, but when I came to my senses we were still driving. I was very drowsy and felt weak. I don't think I was particularly scared. I probably just did not understand what exactly was going on. `All right! The sleeping beauty is awake,' said the driver. I looked around and right behind me, his faces inches away from mine, I saw another guy, no less handsome than the driver but a year or two older. The car drove up to huge iron gates that started to slide open as we were approaching. We drove through a huge park, or what looked like it, I was not really sure in the darkness. I saw something in front of me that resembled an ancient castle, you know, it looked very gothic. The car drove into what must have been a garage, but it looked like the walls of the house parted and the monster swallowed the car. All of a sudden there was light everywhere and I could now see my captors very clearly. If they looked handsome in the dark, they looked absolutely stunning in the light. It seemed like nature enjoyed itself carving their faces. The names they used when they talked to each other were no doubt just nicknames. The driver, who was called Ronnie, was blonde with eyes of a most magnificent blue I have ever seen. He looked extremely masculine. His bright red tank top clung tightly to his bulging pecs and washboard stomach. He was wearing black jeans that fit him beautifully, and no matter what was my predicament I could not help but let my eyes linger on him. His partner, Julian, was older but did not have all those muscles. He looked slim, and a bit soft, without really being effeminate. He had a beautiful face and a most amazing pair of huge brown eyes. His hair, also brown, was a bit long and wavy and fell down gracefully, covering his ears and touching his cheeks. He had a tender skin that my hand almost lifted by itself in an instinctive desire to touch. He was wearing blue jeans and a gray ribbed T-shirt. `All right kid,' said Julian. `You've got nothing to worry about, you'll be out `a here soon, if you are a good boy.' `Yeah, but most of all, don't give us any trouble,' added Ronnie. `Not a soul in the world knows where you are and nobody will come looking for you here.' `Hey, c'me on Ronnie,' said Julian, `Don't scare the kid.' Then turning to me: `Trust me, Justin, there is nothing to worry about.' I was really scared now. How did they know my name?! Still, there did not seem to be much of a choice left for me but to follow those two. In a way, I must say it was really titillating. Perhaps being kidnapped by two gorgeous guys was not that bad? Of course, I had no idea what awaited me in the very gut of this monstrous mansion. I followed my captors as they walked the dark hallways, sometimes taking stairs up, sometimes -- down. We walked in and out of many doors which were all closed and locked behind us. To say that I was scared shitless is to say nothing at all. Finally, a door opened in front of us, and the light almost blinded me for a second. We were in a rather large room, very well lit and tastefully decorated. The white walls contrasted with the black upholstery of a few pieces of furniture -- very modern and, apparently, very comfortable. There were a couple of sofas, a recliner and a loveseat positioned in a circle. Paintings were hanging everywhere on the walls. Mostly landscapes. They were rather comforting. I started to relax. The boys invited me to sit down on one of the sofas and then sat next to me on each side. `It won't be long now,' said Ronnie. Almost at the very moment he said it, the door opened and a man entered the room. He was about forty, tall with a very handsome, intelligent face. He was wearing sweat-pants and a T-shirt, and I could see how well developed his body was. He did not seem to have any fat, and his chest and biceps formed bulges in the T-shirt. If there were any flaws in his appearance, I would say that he looked maybe just a little bit effeminate. He had that soft and nonchalant look that women usually have. `Nice to see you, gentlemen,' he greeted us. `Welcome, Justin. I take it you are quite comfortable. I know Ronnie and Julian have treated you well.' Both boys nodded and smiled as if answering a question. `All right,' said the man. `Let's get down to it. He is just so gorgeous, I want to see all of it. Justin, undress.' I was kinda in shock and didn't know what to do. The man nodded and my kidnappers started quickly stripping off my clothes. In an instant I appeared before all three of them in my birthday suit. `Hmm,' said the man approaching me and giving my body a thorough examination. `He is indeed divine. Boys, I think you should follow his example and get naked as well.' As soon as he said it, Ronnie and Julian quickly dropped off their shirts and jeans. And now, all three of us were naked. The man followed suite, then approached me again, pulled me closer to himself and kissed me on the lips. Then he glued his mouth to mine. The kiss lasted an eternity. `He is very sweet,' the man commented. `Boys, why don't you excite him a little more'. At these words, Ronnie squatted in front of me and very soon my dick was completely in his mouth. I was getting hard very quickly and almost in spite of myself. The man pushed me down on the sofa, then climbed it so I was now sitting between his legs and his dick was on the level of my mouth. `Suck, Justin,' he ordered. What could I do? I took it in and started sucking, and Julian was jacking off Ronnie at the same time. After a short while, the man gave a new order: `Now, Justin, suck Ronnie while he serves me and I will do the same for Julian. Ronnie, keep jacking him off' The new positions were arranged in an instant, the man was now squished between the two boys, and Ronnie's dick was in my mouth. After a few minutes, I heard Ronnie moan, he pulled out of my mouth and my entire face became covered with his juices. His orgasm spawned a chain reaction, and in the next second I heard the two others moan and a second later they orgasmed with yells so loud and passionate, that my heart almost jumped out of my mouth. Of course the whole scene drove me crazy as well, and a few caresses from all three, were enough to bring me over the edge. For a second we were all piled in a heap of sweaty, naked bodies on the sofa. `All right. He is all yours, boys. Do whatever you want with him, then take him home.' I was completely incensed when I heard that. `What the hell do you think you are doing, and how the fuck you think you are going to get away with it?!' I yelled. It was probably the most stupid thing to say under the circumstances, but I just could not think very well at the moment. `You kidnap me, you rape me, scare the hell out of me and then you just pretend it never happened? And what about me? Why wouldn't I go to the police and have you arrested.' The man looked at me for a second and then just laughed in my face. `First of all, young man, you don't know where you are and who you are talking to. What are you going to tell them? They will laugh you all the way to the nearest mental clinic thinking you are being delusional. As for you, well, not that it is important, but did you not enjoy yourself?' `Well, yeah, I did not really want to, I was scared.' `So, you see, you got something out of it too. What can I do, Justin, I like boys your age and I have achieved enough that I can indulge myself every once in a while.' `But,' I said again completely out of spite, `don't think for a minute that anyone of those boys you kidnap really has any feelings for you and I don't think they like it either.' The man laughed again. `I see you are quite an excitable young man.' He said. `Well, let me tell you something. First of all, the pleasures of those boys don't matter to me at all. If anyone tells you that the pleasure of you partner is important, don't believe them. What does his pleasure serve? Your self-esteem? But that's just a ghost. The only important thing is the excitement. That a shock as strong as humanly possible be sent through your nervous system down to your brain that will respond by creating the feelings of immense physical pleasure. And then, everything that serves this goal is good. For me, for example, I take pleasure in knowing that you had been kidnapped, that you are a bit scared, and completely in my power. But then, of course, even you can't help but enjoy yourself, although that certainly matters infinitely little compared to my own pleasure. As far as love is concerned -- well, that's just another ghost. You start from lust, and attach yourself to one human being. A month later, the mystery is gone and then it's just boredom that is left. You can't help but feel ashamed and don't know how to get rid of the unwanted luggage. No, Justin. All men are basically the same. They all have a head, a body, and the limbs. Each one of them is a new territory for our desires, and attaching yourself to just one is a stupidity that makes a reasonable person tremble with horror. Well, good-bye my friend, I never invite anyone here twice, so chances of us running into each other again are extremely remote. Take my advice, and just do what is natural to you, and you will live happily.' He picked up his clothes and left. `Come on, Justin,' said Julian kissing me lightly on the forehead. `Let's clean you up and give you something to eat. We aren't going to do anything else to you, don't worry.' `Yeah right, hard to believe that in a house full of fags!' I cried out, in my helpless rage. Julian smiled. `Well,' he sad, `things that happened here were sort of bizarre. But I think you are too smart to really blame anyone. I myself, love women, and I do not indulge in these fantasies unless a nice man requests it. But then, there is nothing I wouldn't do. Ronnie is the same way. We are far away from that ridiculous disdain by which one tries to make us young dudes believe that we have to bash those who make these kinds of propositions. A man, is not a master of his tastes. One should never insult those who have unusual ones. Their wrong is that of nature. They were no more able to come to this world with different desires than we would be to be born limping or healthy. If a man wants to play with you, is it so repulsive? Of course not, he is complimenting you, why then insult or beat him? Only fools think so, never a reasonable man would speak differently than I do, but the world is populated with plain imbeciles who think that something will be wrong if they admit that pleasures are appropriate...' I had nothing more to say, the boys lead me to a bathroom. The hot-tub was huge, and all three of us sat there for a while, just touching and kissing. I was no longer afraid, my anger was coming down, and I was determined to enjoy myself. After the hot-tub, the boys asked what I wanted to eat, I jokingly demanded a steak, and a few minutes later it appeared to my complete surprise! That was like magic. The scent of it made me remember that I hadn't eaten for a long, long time. `All right, Justin,' said Ronnie after the meal. `This is good-bye, I am afraid. Be well. You are a neat guy and it's too bad we will never see each other again.' Then both boys hugged me in turn, and led me back to the garage. `I'm gonna have to put you to sleep again for a while, sorry.' Said Julian, and in a moment I felt a cloth against my face and passed out. When I woke up, the car was pulling up to my house. The boys said their good-byes again, dropped me off, and the car disappeared into the night." "Wow!" I breathed out. "And you never went to the police with it?" "No." Justin answered slowly. "First of all, I figured what's the use? But it was actually more than that. I kinda felt sorry for the boys, what would become of them? But most of all, it was what the man said to me at the end. Before the whole thing I was scared and ashamed of being gay. It was always on the back of my mind, that I was not normal, not like all the other kids. And here comes this guy, who basically shows me that whatever we desire is just a work of nature. And not only that, but also that there is nothing shameful in enjoying myself the way I want to. I felt so free after that. I was grateful to him, in a way. This was the birth of my self-confidence that you so admire." "But don't you think," I objected "that he himself went just a bit too far with it? He is probably still somewhere kidnapping boys..." "Yeah, well, he does not seem to hurt anyone, all I did was suck and nobody laid a finger on me otherwise. I think he just wanted to appear to be more of a bastard than he really was. See, what convinced me was what he said about love. He probably had a man he loved once and they broke up or something, and he became jaded, for it's hard to believe that anyone would think this way about love. And then he just figured he'd defy everybody and started doing this thing... It's more to shock than anything else, I believe. To show that he is above things like love..." Justin was quiet for a second and then smiled. "What he said about love, however, is a neat trick sometimes when you break up." He added. "Let's sleep now, shall we?" He turned off the nightstand light. In the darkness, his lips found mine, we locked each other in an embrace our mouths glued together for what seemed like an eternity.