This is a story of friendship, commitment, love and trust. It is not a sex story. However, this story deals with love between male teenagers. If you are offended by stories involving love between two teenage boys, please do not read this story. There may be some sex scenes in this story; however, sex is not the main theme. If you are under age 18 or 21 or it is illegal to read this story where you live, don't read it. Reproducing this story for distribution without the owner's permission is a violation of that copyright.
of the Heart
I was through customs and immigration pretty quickly but three-thirty in the afternoon I had still not found a place to stay. I was tired and hungry so I walked into this restaurant.
The waiter, a young looking guy, asked me for an order.
“Don’t suppose you speak English, do you?”
“Non…” he replied and my morale sank even lower. I guess the look of frustration on my part must have done something, he then continued with a slight smirk on his face, “Well, at least not with an American accent. You are an American, right?”
“Oh, thank God! I’m absolutely starving! What do you suggest and yes I am an American.”
“Steak and fries or as they say over here ‘un beouf steak avec pomme frit’,” he said with a smile.
“Un beouf steak avec pomme frit,” I echoed, “Merci!”
“My, my a polite American at that! Most of your countrymen that come in here are rather brash!”
“You’re British, aren’t you?” He nodded, “I am Jason Phillips, artist.”
He reached out his hand and I shook it as he introduced himself, “Ian Roberts, writer. So how old are you?”
“Seventeen,” I lied, “And you?”
“Blimy! You look about thirteen! I was about to ask you where your parents were.”
“What genre do you write, I’m an avid reader, and I’d love to read your work.”
“Tell you what you do a portrait of me and I’ll let you read my novel.”
“Oh, dude you got a deal!” I said excitedly. Then a little more somber tone I asked, “Ian, do you know of anywhere I could stay that’s not too expensive - actually that’s cheap?”
“No sorry, I don’t but I’ll check with my mates over there they might know.”
“Thanks.” I watched as he approached a table with two other guys. They looked at me and I waved they didn’t wave back and that worried me for a bit because I had visions of sleeping in an ally.
I opened my art pad and started to draw as I waited for my food. When I draw I tend to phase out except for my subjected and me. In this case it was Ian. He was quit a handsome guy with his red hair and pale blue eyes and somewhat freckled face with thin lips and a pleasant smile. My guess was he was about 5’11” and 150 pounds. I was just finishing off the sketch when I noticed I was the center of attention. Standing behind me on either side were the two guys that Ian had been talking with.
“My God, you are good!” I looked up to see a blonde hair, blue-eyed boy standing to my right. He had a German accent. He had deep blue eyes that one positively could get lost in his oval face was blemish free with a slight rosieness to his cheeks and a tiny scar at the bottom of his chin.
“Thank you,” I said softly. I don’t know why but I was slightly embarrassed. I think I blushed.
“Ian hurry up with that food!” said the other blond boy - he looked to be about 18 or 19. Judging from his hands and dress and manor I would guess he’s a sculptor.
“Oh, excuse me, I’m Alexis Rhineheart call me Alex.”
“Jason Phillips. I’m pleased to meet you.”
“Ya, say that in a week,” laughed the sculptor, “Hi, Sven Petersen.”
“Are you a sculptor?”
“Only in his mind,” laughed Alex, “No. In reality he’s excellent, but LAZY!”
“I would like to see your work sometime,” I said.
“So, would the rest of us!”
“Fuck you, Alex, oh sorry Alexis!” laughed Sven then pursed his lips at Alex.
Alex glared at him.
“Ian that’s your portrait. Now you owe me a story, I believe that was the deal.”
Alex and Sven laughed
and Ian looked very disgruntled.
“Oh, okay see you shortly,” said Sven as he opened the door and pulled Dieter along with him.
I washed up and got dressed up as best that I could. I had a pair of white jeans, a royal blue long sleeve silk shirt that my grandfather had given to me - he had gone to China on business and had it made for me. Have you ever seen an Errol Flynn movie where he’s worn a white pirates shirt you know billowy sleeves, large collar, no buttons shirt. Well my shirt looks like that except its royal blue and silk.
I looked in the mirror. I looked not my best but pretty good. I grabbed my art pad and dashed out of the room to the café.
I saw the three standing and talking near a wooden bench; they hadn’t seen me, so I decided to make a grand entry. I ran and jumped up upon the bench withdrew my No 2B pencil from my pocket and said, “On guard! Defend thy selves! For I, Jason, am here to rescue the princess from your dungeons. For your sakes, I pray that not one hair from her lovely head has been harmed!” All three just stared at me.
I jumped off the bench and stood in front of Ian. “Well, rather dramatic entrance, Jason. You are so American,” he said in a distasteful tone.
I said dejectedly. They were all supremely dressed and I just didn’t
fit in. I turn and walked away. I felt really stupid when Ian made his
remark. It was a stupid thing to do and now I was embarrassed.
I nodded my head. They were all dressed way better than me. I looked out of place. I acted out of place. I didn’t fit in and that was obvious to me as they were all several paces ahead of me. Why did Dieter want me to go anyway? And Sven too. They practically ignored me since I made my dramatic entrance. The distance between us continued to grow and they didn’t care. They were all speaking French anyway. I came to a stop and they kept on. I guess Dieter thinks my clothes are stupid.
Half a block separated us now and not one of them noticed or if they did not one of them cared. I turned and walked back. As I passed Cinq Billiards I looked in the window and saw Alex sitting alone at a table. He saw me and I forced a smile and kept on going.
“Jason!” I heard Alex call. I stopped and turned around. “Aren’t you going with Dieter?”
“No.” I turned and start back on my way to the hotel.
The next I knew Alex’s hand was on my shoulder. I stopped. I could feel my emotions building up inside of me. “What!” I said curtly not turning around.
“Come have a drink with me,” he offered.
I let out a sigh took a deep breath and said, “Okay.”
“What would you like?” He asked as I sat down at his table.
I shrugged my shoulders.
“You’re buying; you choose,” I said still a bit gruffly.
He ordered me a drink, a hot wine. It was pretty good. I looked at him and smiled.
We chatted about things for a while.
“You have a great smile,” he said, “So, why didn’t you go to the party.”
“I changed my mind. I don’t have the right clothes. They look like they walked out of GQ and I - I look like I walked out of the slums.”
“I’m surprised Dieter didn’t offer to loan you some of his clothes. He has more closes than anyone I know.”
“Well he doesn’t know me, so why should he do that. It’s not like were even friends and I don’t think he likes me anyway. Beside I’m pretty small for my age.”
“Why do you say that - that he doesn’t like you?”
“Because he totally ignored me, sort of like I was excess baggage he had to take to the party. I’m just not in his class clothes-wise, looks-wise. Hey I know an Armani when I see it. They were just being polite inviting me but none of them really wanted me to tag along. They didn’t even notice when I wasn’t following them or they didn’t care.”
“That’s weird! I have no idea why they treated you like that because…”
I could feel my emotions building and I knew any minute I’d be angry or crying or both. So I interrupted Alex.
“Look, I don’t really care. It’s no big deal and I have to go. I’m tired and I’m cranky and that doesn’t make for a great conversation from me. Thanks for the drink.” I got up and started to walk out I stopped half way to the door. I realized Alex was just trying to be a friend. I shouldn’t take my upset out on him. I turn and walked back to his table. He smiled and I force a smile. “Alex, I’m sorry I really do appreciate you trying to be my friend, but I guess I’m just tired and being a real bitch. Someday, when you have the time, I would like to repay your kindness by doing a pen & ink drawing of you.”
“Jason, you don’t have to do that for me.”
“I know, but that’s what friendship is all about isn’t…giving more than you get. Thank you for making feel a bit happier. Good night, sir and pleasant dreams.” I turned and walked out. Grandpa was right - I did feel happier than before I sat down with Alex. I feel like he does care and we will be friends.
Anyway, it was better
than crying myself to sleep, which would have happened had he not talked
“Jason’s gone,” I said unemotionally.
“Yeah, I know. He stopped following us a ways back,” said Ian smugly.
“You should have said something,” said Sven.
“Because twit Brit we invited him,” said a perturbed Sven.
“Correction you invited him, not me! Personally, I don’t care for him and I’m glad he’s gone. He’s probably gay.”
“So, so what if he’s gay! Or Straight! Or Bi!” said Sven angrily.
“Oh! Fancy him, do you?”
“You know what Ian? Fuck you! And Fuck the damn party!” said Sven as he turn and left.
“Sven, I was joking!” called Ian. Sven just gave him the finger and continued walking.
“Well, I’m going home.”
“Oh don’t tell me you fancy him too?”
I shook my head in pretended disbelief saying, “Ian, you are pathetic. Good night.”
“What? What did I do?”
I just think about him and
my heart beats faster and, and…Oh, my God! I love him. In those
few moments in his room I fell head-over-heels in love with him! I love
you, Jason…I have to call Alex.
Suddenly I wanted to get home fast so that I could call Alex and tell him of my newfound love and thank him for finding him for me! I ran from the metro station to my apartment grabbed the phone and call the café. To my great disappointment he wasn’t there. I’ll try Cinq Billiards.
“Alex! Alex I love you! I love everybody! But most of all I love Jason!”
“Wow! I’m so happy you are happy Dieter. You have such an awesome way of expressing yourself. YOU are just so fantastic! Wow, you must be so fucking pleased with yourself! You know what Dieter you are so full of your fucking self just like those ‘gays’ at work that you just hate! You want to know why I move out from YOUR FABULOUS A PART MENT in to MY dump of a hotel room? Cuz I was so tired of hearing you talk and think about only yourself never considering the other person, which in my opinion makes you even worse than those so-called fags at work who are so full of themselves!”
I was shock! I mean I was so happy and I just want to tell someone and he’s like really angry with me.
“Alex, what did I do to make you so angry with me. Please tell me - I’m so sorry! Whatever I did I really sorry!”
“AAAAAYYYYY! I can’t believe you sometimes! Dieter, go fuck yourself because nobody else will ever want to! Good bye!” He hung up on me! I called back.
I was crying, “Alex, please…”
“Shut the fuck up! And listen to me and think, Dieter. Think about someone other that yourself. Think about the way you treated Jason this evening. You with all your Armani suits didn’t even offer to loan Jason one so that he wouldn’t have to feel out of place - out of your class…”
“But I loved his shirt…”
“SHUT UP! Listen to me! And THINK! If you so much as interrupt me once more I will hang up and leave! Understood?”
“Did you compliment him on his shirt? Did you happen to say Wow, Jason you look so damn good! Did you?”
“No.” I answered. I wanted to, but I didn’t say a word. I didn’t say anything to him the whole time.
“Right! And what kind words or for that matter what would words kind or not did you guys say to him as you all walked along?”
“I didn’t. We didn’t.”
“I bet you all spoke French too. You blew it, Dieter. I saw him pass Cinq Billiards and I almost didn’t recognize him he looked so fucking sad. We talked for a short while. Personally I think he’s too good for you. He is so different from anybody I have ever met.
The tears almost spilt out of his eyes because he thinks you don’t even like him because and I quote he totally ignored me, sort of like I was excess baggage he had to take to the party, unquote. He also said he’s not in his class clothes-wise, looks-wise. You were just being polite inviting him but none of you really wanted him to tag along. Then he said and I quote they didn’t even notice when I wasn’t following them or they didn’t care end of quote.
“Dieter, he really wanted to be your friend and you fucked up! So don’t call me and tell me how much you love him and how in love you are because you’re NOT! You don’t because if you really loved him you would have at least been there as a friend. And you weren’t. And one last thing, no actually forget it! I don’t wish to talk to you any more tonight so don’t call back. Good night cuz.”
I hung up the phone. Alex was right, I was only thinking about myself. I didn’t have the courage to let him know that I liked him because I was worried about what Sven and Ian would think about me - I was afraid they’d think I was gay.
“I swear Jason, I will never let this happen again. Just give me another chance to be your friend.”
“Why don’t you like him?”
“Because he’s a cocky little American poofta!”
“Yes, he thinks he’s so cool at drawing!”
“Well, he is!”
“Yeah, well he sure brags about it too!”
“Really? Where was I? Because I don’t remember hearing him brag at all!”
“I think he’s a very nice person, very honest, very caring and sensitive and he is a fantastic artist!”
“Oh! I know that! I can’t help that you and Sven think the sun shines out of his lordships little arse. Well, I for one, DON’T.”
“Are you sure you not a tad bit jealous? You owe him a story, you know?”
“Fuck you and fuck him! I don’t owe him anything! Are you sure you’re not gay? Well, you can have your little faggot American!”
Ian can be so mean some times. I don’t know why I love him but I do. I got up to leave.
“Alex, please I’m sorry.”
“You know I put up with all your shit and you know what? I’m tired of it. I’m tired of your homophobic comments about people you don’t know. I’m tired of your narrow mindedness but most of all I’m tired and I need to go home to bed. You owe him a story. Bye and good night.”
I saw Alex in Cinq Billiards and went in to see him.
“What are you doing here?” asked Alex.
“Looking for Jason.”
“He was here, but he left. You guys are real assholes. He did well to hold back his upset. I thought you liked him. What changed your mind?”
“Nothing! Ian was taking to me and I saw him looking back so I didn’t realize we’d left him behind. Ian could have said something.”
“Yeah, I guess he could have, but I think Jason felt out of place with the way you were all dressed. He doesn’t think any of you like him.”
“That’s not true. I like him. I want to be his friend. He reminds me of an old friend I once had.”
“Ya, he died six months before I left home…” It was still hard for me to think much about Johann. I don’t even know why Jason reminds me of Johann, they have nothing in common except they have a similar way of smiling. “Alex, I’ll see you later.”
He smiled at me. I didn’t have time to figure out why he was smiling, I left to find Jason.
I must have pounded on Jason’s door for five minutes before a very sleepy looking Jason opened it.
“Did I wake you?”
Jason looked at me for a few moments then he laughed, “No, I just look this way all the time. Here’s your sign!”
“Never mind,” he giggled, “So was the party that boring?” he asked as a faint smile appeared on his fast.
“Without you. Yes,” I said. He smiled. He has a killer smile. He giggled.
“So, why are you here, seriously?” he asked.
“To apologize. I’m sorry.” He just looked at me for a moment and I could swear his eyes got really watery, “You remind me of a friend I once had.”
“Yeah? Well, Sit down and tell me about him” he said as he lay down on his bed.
“Well, he was like my very best friend. He was gay, but I wasn’t. I wish I had been…” I said. I couldn’t help feeling all the sadness. I had never for some reason gotten over Johann’s death and the tears that gushed from my eyes proved it.
Jason got up and took me by the hand and led me over to his bed. He lay back down and patted the area next to him. I lay down and he cuddled up next to me holding me as I cried. “I’m sorry, Jason, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I ignored you. It’s just that there’s something about you that is so much like Johann and I keep trying not to look at you, I keep trying to ignore you. Oh God I wish I had done something! I loved him so much! But I wasn’t gay! I couldn’t love him the way he would have wanted me to!”
“Did you ever ask him how he want you to love him?” he asked.
“No. I deserted him. Jason, I didn’t know how to handle it! It was my fault! He was my best friend! And I deserted him. Oh, God, Jason, I wish I had been gay. I would have understood how he felt, what he was thinking…Jason…he killed himself! I didn’t talk to him for a week and when I finally got up the courage to tell him it didn’t matter that he was queer, that he was still my best friend and would be forever I was too late! I killed him.”
“ Did he leave a note saying that?” Jason asked quietly.
“But nothing, Sven…what you did was wrong, very wrong. But you don’t know why he did what he did and only he knows why he took his own life. It could have been because of you or something else and that you will never know. We all make mistakes and sometimes those mistakes hurt others, those we dearly love, and sometimes those mistakes hurt you too. My grandpa helped me to realize that…many times. But Grandpa say we can’t waller around in our sorrows and self-pity otherwise we’re making an even bigger mistake because then we are ignoring the present. Learn from your mistakes, Jason, he’d say. If there was one thing I learned from my g-dad it was the value of a true friend. I know what it is like to have no friends. And that hurts so bad…”
I could almost feel the pain he must had experienced.
“Sven, you are a good person, let the mistakes go, let the bad go…learn from your mistakes. This one you made, is an easy one to correct. Just treasure those you love and occasionally, no…not occasionally always let them know you treasure them as they are and never turn your back on them and NEVER stop communicating to them…that’s the most and I mean it’s the most important thing.”
“I think from my perspective that you’ve gone along way towards learning from your earlier mistake…because you came to apologize to me for ignoring me. You communicated to me and that helped me because I thought you didn’t like me and now I know that that is not true, and right now I’m really thankful to you because I know that you care and that you want to be my friend.”
“Tell me about Johann. Tell me about the good times you had together.”
I talked solidly for two hours, sometimes laughing, sometime crying. I talked about the good and the bad and Jason listened. I felt so close to him. There was one burning question I had.
“Can I ask you a question, a personal question?”
“Jason, are you gay?”
“Does it matter? I mean if it matters if I’m gay or it matters if I’m straight then it really doesn’t matter because then we don’t have a real friendship. It’s friendship that matters to me because I don’t care if you are gay or straight or both or none. All that ever matters is are you my friend and that can our friendship grow beyond forever.”
“It’s funny Jason, for the first time in my life I don’t really think it matters. I don’t care if you are gay or straight or bi or whatever, I just love being your friend.”
“I love it too, Sven.”
“I do have one more question and you have to answer it truthfully, promise?”
“Are you really 17?”
“No. I’m fifteen.”
“I knew it!” I laughed.
I fell asleep after
about fifteen minutes with Jason still holding me in his arms. I think
I could fall in love with him…I think I have…
PS: So, that was chapter 2. Thanks for the emails. Thanks to Alex, Jason, Sven and Dieter for all their encouragement. Comments are welcomed. Email me. firstname.lastname@example.org .