Date: Thu, 05 Apr 2007 01:27:14 -0500
From: Kan seiji <kanseiji@hotmail.com>
Subject: From Where I Stand - Chapter Seventeen (Gay/High School)

This work contains elements of sexuality between teenagers and includes
homosexuality in prevalence. Please exercise proper discretion. Do not read
this if it is illegal for you to do so or if the subject matter will
potentially offend you. The author assumes no responsibility for misuse or
misconduct associated with the dissemination or viewing of this work. Any
characters, representations or events should be assumed to be purely
fictional with any possible resemblance to the real world being entirely
coincidental or otherwise such that it may be treated as innocuous. This
work is copyrighted by the author, who retains all rights and priviledges.
This work should not be reproduced without the written consent of the
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Thanks for reading.

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"From Where I Stand"
by Kanseiji

Chapter Seventeen - A Few Steps, Back and Forth

"Forgive me father for I have sinned...well of course this isn't the first
time...yeah, I know I've never gone to confession but...oh believe me this
wasn't just a sin in the mind...like you've never had the urge
to...really?...ya don't say...well I never thought of it that
way...woah...that's messed up...are you kidding me?...um, who's confessing
here, me or you?...ok, thanks, well as I was saying, huh?...yeah you sound
familiar too...wait a sec...oh my go...please, taking the lord's name in
vain is the least of my worries...oh jesus, that was you???..."

It wasn't exactly what I was expecting to read when I popped open Jase's
journal, but oh well...got a little laugh out of it. He said he met some
super Christian freak at work and got inspired to write something slightly
odd...I guess weirdoes attract other weirdoes. I took a moment to shift to a
more comfortable position in my chair before I continued reading to see if
Jase wrote anything else. Calculus class was boring me out of my mind...the
professor was going over things I already had down cold, so I didn't feel
any need to pay attention. In fact, I would have left the class if it wasn't
such a small class...leaving would require me to practically walk right in
front of the professor, so I opted against it. I also didn't want to abandon
Adam...though he already abandoned me in some fashion since he was happily
dozing away in the corner seat next to me, slightly out of the direct view
of the professor. There was another full 30 minutes of class left and
finding nothing else to read in the journal, I looked around for something
else to do...or at least something to think about.

The first day of classes was usually filled with nothing but fluff in my
past experience, but the professor had decided to jump right in about 2
minutes after handing out the syllabus. My previous math teacher had gone
above and beyond as far as material that had to be covered, so Adam and I
were well squared away for a week or two as far as the material. The 20 or
so other people in the class seemed more attentive, so I assumed that they
hadn't covered the subject matter before...or they were just unusually
diligent, but that was unlikely. Being summer, everyone had walked into
class wearing an assortment of shorts, sandals, tank tops, etc...I didn't
especially dress up myself in my thin polo, jeans and sandals, but the other
people in the class seemed more chill than me.

My gaze wandered around the room as I gave everyone a once over. There was a
decent mix of guys and girls in there...and more than a couple good looking
ones of either sex. I hardly gave the 4 or 5 people sitting in the front row
a second look...they seemed like the suck-up/brown-nosing types and expended
a tad too much effort in raising their hands to answer questions. Their
presence just came across as tiresome. The classroom had about 4 rows of
desks and the second row was largely empty. The balance of the people
occupied the back 2 rows. Adam and I had arrived relatively early since he
was paranoid about finding the right room. He didn't know the campus as well
as me, so I humored him and went early too. After we got there, we managed
to snag one of the back corners, where Adam was taking full advantage of the
wall for sleeping against.

Somewhere around approximating functions with Taylor polynomials, I lost
interest in everything else in the room...and I found myself just gazing
over at Adam. I was wishing that he would wake up so I wouldn't have to
endure the boredom of consciousness all by myself, but I didn't have the
heart to wake him. Since that Saturday that we spent together, we became
nigh-inseparable...of course there were probably some contributing factors
to that. The morning after our party night was...slightly awkward would
probably be the best way to describe it. When we fell asleep, we were a bit
close to each other, but nothing that looked too incriminating...however,
when we woke up, that was a different story. We must have been acrobats in
our sleep or something, because we had somehow managed to both shed our
t-shirts, reversed sides of the bed and twisted the blanket twice over...oh
yeah, and I woke up spooning with Adam quite comfortably...though there was
a little, uh, not so little problem pressing into my back. I woke up first,
but Adam woke up soon after...and thankfully he was just as surprised at the
situation as I was.

****

"Um...Chris...did...we...um...oh man..." Adam stammered out nervously after
we disentangled ourselves. He looked so nervous and confused...if anything
that was enough to reassure me that everything happened unconsciously.

"Uh, Adam...I don't think anything happened. I think we're just both...rough
sleepers, hehe." Adam was still noticeably shaken, which got me wondering a
little.

"Ok...I just...I thought we...I thought I fell asleep on the other side of
the bed...wearing a shirt."

"Heh...yeah me too. I guess we got hot or something...and then got cold
again, haha." I rummaged around the sheets a little and found our discarded
t-shirts. Adam quickly replaced his, blushing the whole way. I rather
involuntarily tilted my head to get a better view of Adam's nice, tight
torso before the shirt hid everything...yeah, still gay. I put my own shirt
on and climbed out of bed to retrieve my pants.

"Um, Chris?" I turned around just as I started fixing my belt to find Adam
looking at me...still outwardly nervous and unsettled.

"Adam, are you ok?" I was starting to get a bit worried at that point.

"Chris...uh...fuck. Are we...are we ok?"

"Aw Adam, of course we are. Why wouldn't we be?" It looked like he was a bit
more confused about everything than I was.

"It's just...I mean...grrr," Adam grimaced as he sat down on the bed, his
face in his hands.

"Hey," I started as I sat down next to him and put what I hoped would be
perceived as a completely platonic arm around his shoulders. "What's bugging
you, man?"

A couple deep sighs later, Adam let up, "I just don't know what's wrong with
me..."

"There's nothing wrong with you, Adam."

A few more deep sighs and then the confession, "Then why am I not happy?"

Uh oh...that didn't sound good. "What do you mean?" Then a light went off in
my head. "Are you really not ok with CJ?"

"I don't think we're gonna work out. We're just too
different...and...god..."

"What?"

"I just don't feel it, y'know? That's why...that's why I freaked out when we
woke up."

That didn't really clarify anything for me. "Huh?" I was just filled with
smooth lines that morning.

Adam couldn't even bring his eyes to meet mine. "I just...it felt
good...waking up with you. I just don't feel that way with CJ...and we're
not even going out," he admitted as he looked up at me for the briefest
instant. "I just want to be happy." Then his face went back into his hands.
"I'm sorry."

"Hey now, you don't have anything to be sorry about."

"You're with Jase...I shouldn't be doing this..."

"What do you think you're doing that's so wrong?"

"I'm...it just feels good...being around you. I...I feel like I'm leaching
off of you and..."

"Adam, what do you mean leaching? I like being around you too."

"But you're not trying to sap out feelings that you should be getting from
being with your boyfriend."

"Hey, sometimes it's just easier to feel good around friends, y'know? There
aren't the same expectations that there are in relationships."

"You and Jase don't seem to have any trouble."

"I lucked out...seriously. I can't quite say the same for Jase though..."

"Huh? What're you talking about?"

"I've got plenty of issues...and screwed up a few times. Jase had to put up
with a lot of shit because of me."

"Heh," Adam chuckled a little. "I guess I'm a little out of the loop with
everything that's happened with everyone."

"Hehe, yeah. Welcome to the breakfast club."

"Personally though, no matter what happened before," Adam began as he put
his own arm around my shoulders and squeezed slightly. "I think Jase is
pretty lucky too."

"Heh, thanks. Hey, if things aren't working out with you and CJ, that's ok.
Besides, you won't be single for long, you stud," I chuckled as I nudged him
playfully.

"Hehe, I hope so."

"Oh yeah, and you are not leaching off of me...I really like spending time
with you too. Besides, our best friends seemed to have ditched us for each
other, haha." That was kinda true...Becks and Justin were pretty caught up
with each other at the time.

"Heh, yeah they sorta did, huh? I mean I know I'm no Justin..."

"Please, as long as your ego stays the size it is now, we'll get along
great."

****

And we did get along...in fact, everyone seemed to be getting along. It
turned out that CJ was having similar feelings about the relationship, so
Ryan and I sat a bit apprehensively in the living room of the apartment
while Adam and CJ had a talk...by the end of which, they had broken up very
nicely, having decided that they were better off as just friends. Ryan and I
breathed a collective sigh of relief and we all just hung out that night. It
was actually a bit surprising how well Adam and CJ were getting along after
their breakup...they even volunteered to cook dinner...together. I just
chatted with Ryan with some level of disbelief.

"I don't quite get those two," I admitted to Ryan as we both took curious
looks over to the kitchen.

"Heh, yeah me neither. I think they just wanted to talk a little more
though." Ryan settled a bit into his seat and looked over at me. "So how are
you doing? We haven't talked too much lately."

I turned to Ryan and smiled. "I'm doing pretty well. Yeah I guess we've been
taking care of our respective boys, huh?"

"Haha, yeah I guess so. So...I take it Jase told you about the little crush
Adam has on you."

I rolled my eyes at him. "Please don't tell me you're hopping on the drama
train too..."

"Ha! Naw, just wondering. Speaking of which, I haven't seen Jase around much
this weekend."

"Yeah he had to do some family stuff and he's also hanging out with Eric and
Paul a bit since he's been scarce lately."

"Everything ok with you two?"

"Everything's great," I said with an almost boastful smile.

"Heh, good. We can't have too many breakups all at once. It's depressing."

"Haha, well I don't think that should be a problem."

"Well you two are just a good fit, so that's no surprise. Actually if
anything I'm just surprised you guys don't have guys just jumping all over
you."

Insert blushing Chris here. "Ok, my therapist told me that I should learn to
take compliments, but I feel like people are going out of their way to do
it. I'm better now, I promise."

"Haha, nah I'm serious."

"Well I guess I've got Adam...hehe. Oh and Jase...we're not out at school
and Jase does chase off girls every once in a while."

Ryan smirked a little. "I wish I had that particular problem..."

"Aw come on. You seem to be with a girl off and on a lot anyway."

"Yeah I know, but I haven't really met anyone good for a while."

"Eh, it'll happen sooner or later. Oh and if I run into any eligibles, I'll
send `em your way."

"Sweet. I should probably play this gay loving card of mine more
often...girls just love that."

"You mean you haven't been? What's wrong with you?"

"Haha, whatever."

****

Towards the end of the class, I was dozing off myself. In fact, it was Adam
that had to nudge me into consciousness when it was time to leave. Neither
of us had another class, so the rest of the day was fair game. We left the
building and started walking out on the yard. It was a nice day...not too
hot just then and sunny...so there were plenty of people outside, studying,
sunbathing or otherwise hanging out.

Adam took the initiative as far as enjoying the nice weather. He found a
nice unoccupied grassy spot on the yard, half in the shade of one of the big
trees, and got comfortable, laying his head down on his backpack. I just
snickered at him as he laid there, eyes closed with a huge smile on his
face. Walking up, I sat down next to him and started people watching a bit.

Turning to Adam for a moment, I commented, "And here I thought I slept a
lot."

Adam laughed and retorted, "Oh come on, class was boring as hell and this is
perfect napping weather." He had a point there. "Hey," he said as he patted
the ground next to him. "Just lie down and enjoy it."

I shook my head. "Could you say anything gayer and more suggestive?" Adam
got a wondering look on his face for a moment before the realization hit
him.

"Oh, ha ha. You want gay and suggestive?" Adam then got up, proceeded to
tackle me as I tried to squirm away and resumed napping while lying on top
of me. "There we go, nice and comfy."

"Oof! Come on, you're heavy!"

"HA! You're just scrawny!" Adam had a bit of a weight advantage on me, but I
still tried to get out from under him...which was exceedingly difficult with
his arms wrapped around my torso....not that I wasn't enjoying the contact,
but I did feel a bit self-conscious about doing that in public.

"Haha, ok come on Adam, I can't breathe."

"Hehe, ok." He let me up and laid down on the ground an inch or so away from
me. Brushing myself off, I took a position next to him and closed my eyes as
a nice, gentle breeze blew past.

"Fags..." My eyes shot open as I heard that...and they were greeted with a
view of a 2 guys and 2 girls a few feet away. Adam sprung up as he heard it
too...and he looked pissed.

"Jeez Rob, don't be an asshole," one of the guys said to the other...the one
that made the comment...with the 2 girls in the group giving similar looks
of distaste.

"Got a problem?" Adam spoke up, jaw clenched and fists curled up. His eyes
were locked on the guy that had made the comment...honestly, it wasn't even
a question who would come out on top in a fight between those two. This
particular bigot was a skinny white kid that looked like he spent too much
time in an Abercrombie store and not enough time in the gym...Adam was a
pretty hardcore athlete and was built like one...that guy would have been
toast. Of course he obviously didn't think so as he almost immediately
talked back.

"No one's talking to you, fag. Just go back to your boyfriend," the idiot
spat out, holding his arms out like your typical punk.

Of all of the possible reactions I might have had, I managed to just meet
out, "Oooo...big mistake..." Adam got up and started to walk over. Now
normally Adam was very coolheaded and calm, but that guy had really hit a
button...Adam looked like he was going to mutilate the guy. I got up quickly
and grabbed Adam's arm to hold him back a bit while my opposite number did
the same to the loudmouth.

"Dude, Rob, shut the fuck up or this guy is gonna kick your fucking ass and
I'm not gonna do a thing to stop him," he said as he got between Adam and
the dumbass.

Now this guy on the other hand was easily 6 feet tall and was more similar
in build to Adam or Justin...luckily he seemed to be at least tolerant. The
dumbass, probably just trying to save face to some extent, just let out a
"pssh" and walked off, leaving the other guy and the 2 girls. Adam visibly
calmed down as he released his fists.

"Sorry about that guys, Rob is just a complete dumbass sometimes," the
remaining guy offered.

Adam was still breathing a little heavily, so I answered, "It's ok. Um,
thanks by the way."

"Heh, no worries. Oh, I'm Aaron," he introduced himself, after which he
motioned to the two girls he was with. "This is Emily and my girlfriend
Sarah." Just by habit, I looked them all over...Emily was pretty plain
looking, blond hair and average features, but Sarah was a looker, even to
me. On the other hand, as I looked Aaron over quickly, he was pretty good
himself, so it made some sense.

"I'm Chris and this is Adam," I introduced as us guys shook hands and the
girls waved.

Sarah was next to speak up, "Yeah Rob is just an idiot, so don't mind him.
Are you guys SSP students?"

Adam finally spoke. "Yup." It wasn't much, but at least he seemed calm
again, if just a bit apprehensive.

"Cool, us too," Sarah continued. "Where are you guys from?"

"We're from Boston actually," I offered.

"Oh, cool," Emily threw in. "We're all from Minnesota."

"Oh wow, came a ways huh?" I asked.

"Yeah well we figured it'd be cool do spend the summer out here, so we all
applied," Aaron answered. "I promise we're not all bigots in the Midwest,
haha."

"Yeah, you guys are really cute together," Sarah threw in as she and Emily
giggled...Aaron just smiled and rolled his eyes. Adam turned away slightly
and blushed as I bit my lip slightly.

"Ooohh," Aaron seemed to catch on. "You guys aren't together? Wait, are you
guys even gay?"

Adam and I laughed as I answered, "Yeah we're gay, but no, we're not
together...just friends." Adam smiled weakly at them.

"Aww...that's so cute!" Sarah and Emily continued giggling...what's with
girls and giggling over gay guys anyway?

"Haha, ok that's cool," Aaron said. "So hey, we were actually gonna try to
wander around Boston a little cause our classes are done for today, but
um...we kinda have no idea where anything is..." Now that was an amazing
guy...how many straight guys would admit to not knowing exactly where
they're going, let alone ask a couple of gay guys for directions? On some
levels, he actually reminded me of Justin. I looked over at Adam and he
seemed receptive to the idea.

"Well we could show you guys around a bit," Adam offered and then smirked.
"Or rather Chris can show you around and I'll tag along."

"Haha, you don't know your way around your hometown?" Sarah joked.

"Heh, yeah well we're actually from Quincy and I just never went out
exploring as much as Chris."

"Cool...this is perfect. The girls wanted to go shopping and well...not to
reinforce any stereotypes or anything..." Aaron trailed off.

I was a bit amused. "Heh, don't worry, the stereotype half applies to me."

****

As far as random activities go, showing a bunch of people from out of town
the good shopping spots in Boston is pretty fun...even if it does involve
girls and shopping. Luckily, Sarah and Emily were pretty cool and weren't,
for lack of a better reference, Paris Hilton clones...I think I would have
found the nearest tree and made myself a noose. The girls also managed to
get Adam to come out of his shell a bit and though he didn't know his way
around Boston as well as I did, he did have a better fashion sense than me,
especially when it came to women's clothing...I guess hanging out with Becks
contributed to that. The hot zone that got the girls excited was Newbury
Street of course...god, when they saw the Chanel store, they practically
screamed. Still, it was a fun way to spend the afternoon.

After a while, Adam started being the more social one and I took the
opportunity to start getting lost in my own thoughts. Actually, one thing
that prompted some of my pondering was when I learned that these nice new
people I met went to a Catholic high school back in Minnesota. If anything,
that threw me for a loop...the last thing I expected was a bunch of
Catholics from the Midwest to be open and understanding about gay people. On
the other hand, their friend Rob was from the same place and wasn't as
understanding, so I guess there are all sorts and it's just best not to
over-generalize. Growing up, my mom was careful not to jam religion down on
me and my brother, so we both ended up kind of agnostic. My mom was a
Catholic growing up, but she subscribed more to the idea that God works in
mysterious ways and that you should just do your best to do good things in
life...no dogma. In general, I strongly distrusted religion and those who
followed religion...but I had to admit, these guys were alright.

Sarah actually started something by asking if Adam and I had
boyfriends...which of course made Adam a little uncomfortable, but it looked
like he was doing ok mostly. He actually made it clear whether it was an ok
topic by throwing out that I had a boyfriend. That got Sarah's attention
onto me...sneaky guy.

"Ooo! So what's his name?" Sarah asked first. Adam just chuckled and left me
with Sarah as he, Emily and Aaron stood back to watch.

"Uh, Jason."

"Hehehe, cute name. Is he cute? I bet he is. You don't have a picture do
you?"

Adam decided to chime in, "He actually keeps a picture of him in his wallet
and as the background on his cell phone." He winked at me as I gave him a
subtle evil stare...I made a mental note to get him back later. I took out
my phone and handed it to an excited Sarah, who started to giggle
uncontrollably when she saw the picture of Jase on my background.

"OH MY GOD! HE'S SOO CUTE! We should so double date some time...that would
be so fun!" Wow...perky girls. Aaron seemed to share my sentiment to some
extent as he rolled his eyes at Sarah. I quietly sighed in relief when he
came over and put an arm around Sarah.

"Ok babe, stop ogling over the cute gay guys."

"Aww," Sarah cooed at Aaron as she kissed him on the cheek...kinda cute
actually. She turned to me and said, "He gets a little tiny bit jealous,
even if I'm looking at a gay guy, haha." Aaron got a jokingly irritated look
on his face. "I think we should hang out more, hehe."

"Yeah well, if you have to hang out with other guys," Aaron began, "I'm glad
they'd rather have sex with each other than you," he concluded with a sly
smirk. I was thoroughly amused with the entire thing. It had occurred to me
that I wanted to meet some new people...preferably nice, cool people...over
the summer. It looked like a good start.

****

"I'm sorry babe, but I don't think I'll make it tonight." That was a bit of
a disappointment for me as I lay in bed on the phone with Jase.

I sighed audibly. "It's ok...I just miss you."

"I miss you too. I just need to do some work tonight on my computer at home.
I promise I'll be by tomorrow night."

"Ok...I'll hold you to that."

"Hehe, good. So your day was good?"

"Heh, yeah it was." I recounted some of the major highlights to him. The
afternoon had turned out very fun and it looked like I had some new friends
to spend some time with...all in all a good day.

"Aww, that's great. So Adam's doing ok?"

"Yeah...but man, you should have seen him. I've never seen him pissed like
that."

"Well I think we all kinda get that way with shit like that."

"I know I do. I told you about that encounter with Tony at school, right?"

"Yup...at least he didn't really mean anything by it. This Rob character
sounds like your garden variety ass."

"Pretty much."

"So Adam put the moves on you a little, huh? Hehe." I rolled my eyes...and
even though he couldn't see, he knew. "Ok, don't roll your eyes at me."

"He did not put the moves on me...we were just goofing around."

"Haha, ok...but Adam is a hottie though."

"Grr...be that as it may, we're just good friends."

"Hehe...hey, you know I'm just joking around, right?"

There was my over-thinking Jase. "Of course I do...although on some level,
I'm kinda glad you're paying attention."

"Hah, yeah well, can't be too careful. Otherwise someone else may snatch you
up and I ain't losing you, haha."

"Glad to hear it."

"Ok, I'm gonna try to get this work done so I can go to bed before the sun
comes up. I love you."

Mmm...always made me smile. "Love you too. Gimme a call tomorrow."

"Will do. G'night babe."

"G'night. Mwah." I ended the call and put my phone on the bed stand. My eyes
were starting to close a little when the phone sprang back to life with
another call. "Hello?"

"Um, hey Ace."

"Oh hey J, what's up?"

"Uh...are you busy right now?"

"Uh, not really...I was gonna go to sleep soon. What's going on?"

"Is Jase there?" I was starting to get a little curious...and worried.
Justin sounded a bit...well, meek over the phone. That was very much not
like him.

"No, he's spending the night at home. Justin, what's wrong? Are you ok?"

"Um...I don't know...can I come up there?"

"J, of course you can."

"Ok...I'll give you a call when I get there." With that he hung up.

I knew it would take him almost an hour to get to me by the T, which gave me
plenty of time to worry. In all the years I had known him, I don't think I
had ever heard him sound quite like that. I started pacing in my room...then
in the living room...then I started looking out the window and at the clock
a lot. It's a good thing everyone was asleep because I think I would have
appeared quite insane.

During what was probably my 50th trip to the window, I spied a familiar form
approaching the building. A quick phone call and some access doors later,
Justin was in the apartment. He was very quiet and looked completely
sullen...he walked rather instinctively into my bedroom as I followed. I
closed the door and sat down on the bed next to him where he was pulling his
hair as his face rested in his hands.

I hugged him slightly. "Hey J, what's wrong. Come on, talk to me." Justin's
eyes came into view...they were slightly wet. I think overall, he just
looked scared and uncertain.

"Ace...God, I feel like a little girl, running up here like this..."

"Heh, hey now...you don't have to do the tough guy routine with me. So
what's up? Are you ok? Did something happen?" I rubbed his back as
soothingly as I could.

"I'm fine...at least...it's nothing really serious. I guess I'm just a bit
upset about it..." Justin took a deep breath before continuing. "I think I'm
moving."

My hand stopped moving on his back and my eyes grew wide. "Wha?"

"I overheard mom and dad talking tonight...they were talking about moving."

I was a bit taken aback...moving? Justin's family had been in that house
since his parents got married. I was getting a little scared myself at the
prospect of my best friend not being there right across the street from my
own house.

"J...are you sure?"

"I don't know...I just listened in. But they were talking about it pretty
seriously...including how they should tell me and Scott. I snuck out after
that."

"They don't know you're up here?"

"It's ok...they'll probably think I'm up here anyway. They'll call if they
get worried." Justin went through a few more deep breaths. "Ace...I don't
want to move. Things are great right now...I don't want to go away from
everything now...I know it's a bit selfish, but I'm in a good place right
now."

I could definitely relate to that feeling. "J, it may not be for sure. Look,
your parents are gonna talk to you about this before anything happens. I
mean, in a year, you'll be at college anyway. Did you hear when this might
happen?" He just shook his head no. "Well it may not happen for a while yet.
So don't worry about it too much. Look, why don't you just spend the night
here and just try to sleep it off. You'll be able to talk to your parents
about this later...don't let it get you all worked up just yet."

Deep sigh and, "Ok...thanks Ace." Justin turned to hug me full on...and
tight too. I hugged him back hard.

"Hey, just grab some of my stuff out of the dresser. Everyone's asleep I
think, so you can grab a shower if you want."

A few minutes later, Justin was showering while I lay in bed thinking about
what he had just revealed. For about 11 years, I had never been without
Justin for any extended period of time. He was always right there...living
across the street from each other had really helped reinforce our
friendship. We were just always together. It was a bit of a change for me to
be living up in Cambridge for the summer away from him. I mean, he was
spending a lot of time with Becks and I had other people to hang out with
too...and of course there was Jase...but I still felt more at home when he
was around. The realization that he may not be there anymore was hard...I
instantly felt lost. I tried to reassure myself about the situation with the
same thoughts that I had given Justin...of course trying to convince
yourself of something isn't always fruitful. I did my best to put my worries
to rest, at least for the night. When Justin came back in, he assumed I was
asleep...I was pretty close anyway. He turned off the lights and just slid
into bed, taking up his normal position...holding me tight. I fell asleep in
the warm familiarity of his arms, doing everything to convince myself that
it wouldn't be the last time.

*****