Date: Mon, 01 Jan 2007 17:43:56 -0500
From: Kan seiji <kanseiji@hotmail.com>
Subject: From Where I Stand - Chapter Nine (Gay/High School)

This work contains elements of sexuality between teenagers and includes
homosexuality in prevalence. Please exercise proper discretion. Do not read
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characters, representations or events should be assumed to be purely
fictional with any possible resemblance to the real world being entirely
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"From Where I Stand"
by Kanseiji

Chapter Nine - Mind's Eye

"Perfect spot," I said aloud, congratulating myself on my little discovery.
I had wandered all over half of Boston looking for the right
locale...somewhere to do some drawing and some reading. I had been sitting
on my hands as it were for about a week since Jason had offered up his past
in a nice little book format. We had spent a lot of time just talking during
the week...I was finding out plenty about him and vice versa, so I tried to
hold off reading what he had written. He never asked or bothered me about
reading it...I guess he felt that he had given it to me, so it was my move.

The first snow had fallen and melted away just days before. Fall was still
holding onto dear life and refusing to surrender completely to the oncoming
winter...which I was very thankful for. The weather was a bit chilly, but on
a given day it could be pleasant or slightly bitter. I had been waiting for
a chance to go out on one of the more pleasant days before everything was
snowy white. During the week I had talked my art teacher into giving me a
little extension...I told him I had been hit by some inspiration and that I
needed more time to explore it completely before I sealed it into paper.
Whether that was a lie or not wasn't the point...I laid it on thick and got
the extension. He even said he was glad that I was taking a greater interest
in my artwork. It took a good chunk of willpower to keep myself from rolling
over and laughing to death...well I guess you don't become a part-time high
school art teacher at a public school without being just a little dumb.

I had found a nice little spot on the Charles River Esplanade. The park was
still relatively vibrant considering the season. I had a nice view of
Cambridge over the slightly breezed ripples of the river. The sun was
peaking out here and there between the slightly gray clouds...it was still
chilly enough for me to wear a jacket though. Most of the trees were
clinging onto a few leaves, but otherwise they were bare. The park grounds
were still somewhat green and luckily everything was mostly dry. When I left
the house I must have looked like I was going backpacking. I had everything
imaginable with me...a giant drawing pad, Jase's first journal, eight kinds
of charcoal and pencils, erasers, paper towels, a couple bottles of water,
snacks, my laptop, a digital camera, CD player and a butterfly chair. I also
got out of the house at 8 a.m. on a Saturday morning...that was a monumental
feat in itself. I had spent about an hour and a half tracking down just the
right spot on the esplanade.

It took probably 20 minutes to lay out everything so I could work...I turned
a nice little grassy patch into a mini-studio. After I got everything laid
out the way I wanted, I turned to what I had hoped would be my source of
inspiration...the journal. Except for the large section Jase had just
written, I had read everything in it a few times over at least. Every time I
read it, I felt the urge to write or draw something, so I was hoping I would
find what I needed to create an awe-inspiring piece so I could feel good
about it...and get an A of course.

I sat back in my chair and put on my headphones. I had a CD Jase had burned
for me in the player...he called it a "mellow mix" for when I was doing
artwork. I absolutely loved listening to it when I was drawing...it was just
the right mix of head bop promoting beats without being too distracting...at
least not for me. I had kinda eclectic music tastes and on occasion I would
listen to a set of four or five songs continuously for days at a time. The
first song got playing as I got settled...it was strangely appropriate.

I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless as you turned around to leave
And still I have the pain I have to carry
A past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried

Listening to the soothing sound of Lifehouse, I cracked open the journal and
started reading about Jase...

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more than you'll ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

I must have been reading a page a minute or so. Jase had written the passage
as sort of a letter to me...I could hear his voice in my head speaking to
me. At that point I knew that he had a lot of issues in his past...he
implied they were similar to mine, but up until then he hadn't told me any
details or specifics. I really had no idea.

I would fall asleep
Only in hopes of dreaming
That everything would be like is was before
But nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

After about 30 minutes of reading, I was probably half done with the
passage. I had to take a break to sort of catch my breath...and choke back a
few tears. Suddenly my mind was filled with images...my thoughts were
jumping around so fast that I could barely catch a glimpse of each before
they mutated or dissolved. I quickly set down the journal and went to my
computer. I opened a folder with pictures that Jase and I had taken of each
other. I looked around a little and found one I had taken of Jase looking
over the river as he stood on the banks. I blew it up as large as I could
and placed my computer down next to my drawing pad. Just then another song
came up. I grabbed some charcoal and dust started flying.

Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking
When you fall everyone sins
Another day and you've had your fill of sinking
With the life held in your
Hands are shaking cold
These hands are meant to hold

Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along
Move along

I only paused my spurt when my hands got too black to do anymore without
smudging the entire thing. I wiped off my hands and took out my digital
camera. I took pictures of some side sketches I had done for the sole
purpose of editing them on the computer. I started to put together all the
pieces of my composition in my head. When I was decently satisfied with the
computer images, I went back to paper and got my hands dirty again. The main
image I had been working on was taking form. I felt like the picture was
already there...I could see it in my mind...I was just filling in what I was
envisioning. All the while my head was nodding to the beat in my headphones.

I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

I noticed the outside world again when the CD had played out and the music
died. I reached for my phone and discovered that it was almost two in the
afternoon. Looking back on my composition, I was relatively happy with what
I had accomplished. My fingers were black with charcoal again, so I washed
them off and started to pack up my things. I munched on a few granola bars
as I sprayed some workable fixative on my piece so it wouldn't smudge during
transport. I had a feeling that I would want to do some more work on it
later, but I was decently satisfied at that moment. After I had finished
packing up, I became aware of how hungry I was when my stomach
grumbled...quite audibly. I looked around a little to make sure I didn't
scare any unsuspecting children and then made my way towards the T. As laden
with stuff that I was, I didn't feel like going home just yet, so I boarded
a train heading to Harvard Square...the promise of food and coffee along
with somewhere to sit back a little coaxing me along.

Twenty minutes later, I was holding all my stuff plus an iced coffee and a
tomato cheddar melt on a bagel as I walked onto Harvard Yard. It had turned
more towards sunny than cloudy, so outside felt nice and comfortable. I
spied an empty spot on the stair platform of Widener Library and sat down
for a late lunch. I started listening to my CD again and proceeded in a nice
round of people watching...I thought college students were very intriguing
at the time...I guess I still do, but my perspective was a little different
then. The campus was bustling with students running around with their
backpacks and the occasional laundry or grocery bag. I always felt a bit
free and liberated when I walked around Harvard...I had decided at a young
age that I wanted to go there for college...it was part of what motivated me
to do well in school. As I got older, I learned about some of the realities
of how the college system worked...and according to my brother, Harvard
undergrads were just a bunch of pompous brats going to a school that gave
mostly A's. On the other hand, he also said that it didn't matter...if you
went to Harvard, people would recognize it as an achievement no matter what.
Of course he owned a shirt that had the Harvard seal on it and under it said
"because not everyone can get into MIT." Yeah...my family was a bunch of
academic snobs. My brother could pull it off, the prodigy that he was...he
had the gall to apply to Stanford the day the application was due...he even
wrote his essay in 15 minutes...the essay was about the significance of hard
drives...dork. He was a little offended when he didn't get in...not that he
really cared. I think he applied to some schools so he would have a nice
round number of applications.

"This seat taken?"

I was a little startled as someone tapped me on the shoulder and shook me
out of my reverie. "Huh? Oh, um, I don't think so."

"Mind if I sit here?"

"Be my guest." I took a look up to see who I was talking to...the sun was
behind the person so I had a hard time seeing. Covering my eyes a little, I
focused in on the source of the voice. A tall shadow moved toward me and sat
down nearby on the concrete platform. As the person drew away from the
blinding sunlight, I got a better look...and a nice look it was...

"I'm Ryan by the way." He offered out his hand...which I, a little shyly,
reached out for to shake...he had a very nice grip and I returned as much as
I could...guys and the eternal testosterone contest. The guy had one up on
me though...or five up on me, whatever. I had a hard time telling since he
was sitting at the moment, but he looked a bit taller than me, had short
slightly curly dark brown hair and a nice pair of piercing green eyes...he
smiled back at me with a big toothy grin that highlighted his clean, simple
facial structure. Oh yeah, nice dimples too.

"Hey, I'm Chris." I was a bit nervous...I wasn't quite used to hot guys just
coming up to me and introducing themselves...still not in fact.

"Nice to meet you. I think I've seen you around before, you go here?"

He'd seen me? "Um, no...I'm just here a lot...kinda like the surroundings."
I was probably stammering slightly and doing my best to act completely
straight.

"Oh cool. I can never tell, I barely know anyone here and the campus is
really public."

"Yeah...I guess we random people just like to wander through."

"Haha. You must be a frequent though...I swear I've seen you a bunch of
times."

"Really? Yeah I guess you might have...I walk around here a lot."

"Actually I think I remember because of that."

I looked where he was pointing...my giant sketchpad. "Oh yeah...I guess not
too many people walk around with a drawing pad bigger than them, heh."

"Hah, yeah not many...you an artist?"

"Pretend to be on occasion." At the time, I think the exchange had been the
longest conversation I'd ever had with someone I didn't know. It was a
little against my nature, but the guy was taking the trouble to strike up a
dialog with me...I thought I should at least put forth a little effort. "So
do you go here?" Brilliant, Chris.

"Yup, I'm a freshman. How bout you?"

"I'm actually a junior in high school. I go to school in Quincy."

"Oh wow, a bit far from home huh? Haha."

"Heh, sorta yeah. I just like it up here better than around home."

"Yeah I can understand that...I'm from California. This was about the
farthest away I could manage."

"Wow, taking it to the extreme huh?"

"Haha yeah, couldn't wait to get away from home."

"I kinda feel the same way...but I like it around here a lot."

"Have you applied to college?"

"Not yet, that'll be next year."

"Oh right, junior...sorry I'm a bit out of practice. Haha."

"Heh, yeah. I'd promptly forget about college applications too after I got
in anywhere."

"Thinking about applying here?"

"Yeah...probably my big shot in the dark, but I really wanna come here."

"Ah well, it's very simple...4.0 GPA, 50 extracurriculars, 1600 SAT score
and/or a building named after your family."

"Ha! Yeah I figured as much."

"Hah, but seriously, if you do well in school, there's a good chance...I'm
still surprised I got in."

"What do you study?"

"That's a good question...I'll let you know when I figure it out myself.
Haha."

"Heh, undecided huh?"

"Yeah...I'm in premed classes and just basic requirements right now. I'll
probably end up doing some kind of science."

"Oh that's cool, that's my plan too."

"Wanna be a doctor?"

"Nah...can't stand needles or dead people...heh."

"Heh, yeah that may not be the best idea then. So what are you doing up here
today? Drawing something?"

He motioned back to my drawing pad and my massive bag of supplies. "Yeah I
was actually on the esplanade doing stuff for an art project...came up here
to grab food and unwind a little."

"Well Harvard's good for that...I have trouble focusing on studying cause I
feel so relaxed here."

"So are you out here just killing time then?"

"Yeah kinda. I actually just spent a couple hours in the library studying
and I couldn't take it anymore. Besides, it's too nice out to be inside
studying."

"Yeah, you should take advantage of it before we freeze over."

"Haha, yeah I'm not looking forward to that...haven't really dealt with the
whole `snow thing' before."

"It's not so bad. Winter here is pretty mild most of the time. There are
those freak periods where we get like foot after foot of snow, but those are
a bit rare."

"Oh joy...at some point I have to go buy a real jacket. This is about the
heaviest thing I have right now," he said, pinching part of his track
jacket.

"Yeah...you're gonna want something a bit heavier...North Face is a good buy
usually. It's expensive, but warm."

"Yeah I was thinking about that actually. I still haven't even gone out much
to go shopping or whatever here...I miss my car."

"Haha, yeah Boston isn't exactly car friendly anyway. Figured out the T
yet?"

"Sorta. I'm kinda bad with directions and such, so I got lost the last time
I went out on the T...haha."

"Yeah it can get confusing...streets here don't exactly make any sense. If
you go out into town with someone else who knows how to get around a little,
you'll be fine though."

"Yeah. Unfortunately I still don't know too many people. At the moment most
of the people I know fall into the study freak category or the prude
category...so not really the ideal people to go out exploring with."

"Haha, yeah I guess not. I was always worried about the prude factor here."

"Oh it's real, believe me. I swear so many people here think they're the
shit..."

"Heh, yeah I've had the pleasure of seeing a few here and there. The best
are the ones you see at coffee places ordering stuff with 10+ words in it."

"HA! Yeah I know those are crazy. Personally I'm an iced coffee guy...don't
really need anything more complicated than that."

Oooo...I really liked the guy. "Yeah me too," I said shaking the remnants of
my iced coffee.

"Caffeine addict too?"

"I'm not an addict...I just need it every day or I'll kill something."

"Ha! Yeah me too. One time at home one of my friends hid my coffee...I
nearly beat him senseless when he wouldn't tell me where it was."

"People should know better than to come between a man and his coffee."

"Yeah no kidding. Um...I'm not keeping you from anything am I? I don't mean
to be occupying you too much with my disillusioned college student act," he
said with a bit of a sly smile...god he had a pretty smile.

"Haha, nah it's ok. I came out today to get this project mostly done and to
relax a bit...and I'm pretty much done with the project and this is kinda
relaxing anyway."

"Haha, cool. I usually don't sit and talk with complete strangers, really."

"Heh, yeah me neither."

"Actually after I saw you with that thing again," motioning again to the
giant drawing pad, "I kinda wanted to see what would need paper that big."

"Heh...it's just for formal projects. My art teacher likes me to work big
and bugs me about it."

"Ah. Mind if I see?"

"Um, guess not. Hopefully you won't go blind."

"Haha. You should see some of the so called `artwork' they have around here.
I can survive anything now."

I was a little hesitant...I had met this guy like 20 minutes before and I
was a bit self-conscious about my artwork...he was just so nice. What the
hell right? "Alright, knock yourself out."

He opened my pad and his eyes went wide almost instantly. "Woah...this is
great." He was looking at the massive composition I had been working on that
day. The piece was basically a huge crowd of people in various shades of
gray and what was supposed to be a kind of eerie fog. In the middle of the
crowd were two people in motion...passing each other as they walked in
opposite directions. One figure was looking completely in the direction he
was walking, but the other had his head turned as if he was starting to look
back...that figure was based on Jase. The other figure was based on me. "Is
this you?" Ryan asked, pointing at the figure.

"Supposed to be..." I wasn't completely satisfied with it, but it at least
resembled me so I was going to tackle the details later. "It still needs a
little work."

"Wow Chris...this is amazing. These people look so real...it actually
reminds me of a scene from...oh what is it...City of Angels?"

Oooo...good movie. "Oh...thanks. Didn't really associate it, but yeah I
guess it does look kinda like it. Haha."

"Ever think of studying art?"

"Haha, nope. Art is my hobby and sorta my creative release...if I had to
study it I'd go insane."

"Yeah I can understand that...you have a lot of talent though. You should at
least take a class or two in college...should be easy A's. Haha."

"Maybe I will."

He flipped through some of the other pages in the pad. I had a couple of
Chinese style landscapes, some figure studies and other random things.
"These are all really good. God I wish I could draw like this, heh."

"Do you draw at all?"

"Oh yeah...it's not like this though...everything I do ends up being like a
comic or cartoon."

"Haha, that's cool. I can't do cartoons...they always looked completely
deformed, don't know why."

"Heh, yeah well I can't draw a person accurately to save my life. I guess
everyone has their own knack for some things and not others."

"Yeah probably." A few seconds later, I felt my pants vibrate. I jumped a
little. "Oh, sorry, phone call." Ryan just nodded and continued examining my
drawing pad. "Hello?"

"Hey babe."

Instant smile. "Oh hey Jase!"

"How's the pilgrimage going?"

"Haha, pretty good."

"Where are you now?"

"The yard. I'm mostly done, I was just chatting with someone."

"Huh? Really? Alright who is he? Haha."

"Heh, I'll tell you later."

"Ooooo...must be hot. Take a picture...or draw him or something. Haha."

"Haha, yeah whatever. So what are you up to?"

"Just got back home...was wondering when you were coming back." I could
almost see him grinning suggestively.

"Hmm...soon probably."

"Want some company when you get back?"

"Always."

"Hehe...good. Ok, gimme a call or something when you get back. You can go
back to the hottie you're with now. Ha."

"Haha whatever. Ok, talk to you soon."

"K. Mwah." He hung up before I could respond.

Ryan looked over at me very nonchalantly. "Boyfriend?"

That caught me off guard. "Wha?"

"Oh whoops...sorry. Didn't mean to put you on the spot like that...also
didn't mean to imply that you were gay if you're not...ok I'm gonna stop
talking now, heh." He was biting his lip.

"Um...it's ok, I am gay...um, how the?"

"Yeah...I have pretty good gaydar," he laughed a little shyly.

"Oh...cool. Um...are you..."

"Nope...at least probably not. I like girls, but the fact that I can spot a
gay guy randomly in a crowd always made me wonder a little. Haha."

"Heh, yeah that's interesting...I couldn't identify a gay guy at NYU without
assistance." Cheap shot at NYU, I know, but it's true.

"HA! Wow, that's pretty bad."

"Yeah I know."

"So, boyfriend?" he asked again, pointing at the phone that was still in my
hand.

"Huh? Oh yeah, Jason, that was him."

"Is it him by chance in that drawing?"

"Yeah..."

"You guys look good together...as far as I can tell anyway. Haha."

"Heh, thanks. He's great...sorry, this is a bit odd for me, hah."

"Hey, it's ok. Sorry to catch you off balance like that."

"Nah it's ok...that's by far the least traumatic coming out I've had."

"Haha. Yeah I have a bit of experience with that. One of my best friends
back home is gay...he had a complete breakdown when he told me."

"Really?"

"Yeah...I didn't really know how to tell him I already knew...he got a
little pissed afterwards when I told him. Hehe."

"HA! Yeah that would be kinda annoying."

"Yup. It's great having gay guy friends though...I never had to guess
whether what I was wearing matched or not."

"Hehe, yeah there's that."

"Oh hey I don't wanna keep you if you need to run."

"Oh yeah...I just about forgot."

"Here, gimme your phone a sec." I handed it to him. "Maybe we can go hang
out or something. I still need a guide for this place, heh. Here's my
number."

"Hah, damn if I knew it was that easy to get a guy's number..."

"Haha. Well if you need to make your boy jealous or something, I'm up for
it."

"HA! God that would be funny. You are hot though." I blushed a little as I
said that.

"Haha, thanks. Yup, it's fun. Not that I've done it before or
anything...haha. Anyway, gimme a call or something. Hopefully you don't mind
hanging out with some weird college kid."

"As long as you don't mind hanging out with some underage high school
fairy." I was grinning to make sure he knew I was playing around.

We both chuckled a little. "Eh, I'm practically in high school still...I
don't wanna grow up just yet."

"Heh, yeah. Oh hey, hold still a second." I took my phone and snapped a
quick shot of him...for my phonebook entry...and so I could show Jase later
on...hehe. "K, now I'll remember who `Ryan' is...I'm horrible with names,
haha."

"Ha, yeah me too. If I don't recognize you immediately on the phone, just
say drawing pad. Now I can be like, `hey I know that kid with the big huge
sketch book!'"

"Haha, ok. Alright I gotta run, but I'll give you a call definitely k?"

"Sounds good. It was awesome meeting you, Chris."

"You too, Ryan. Alright, I'll talk to you later." I got up to walk out of
the yard.

"Yup, later man." Ryan got up and we both walked away. That was definitely a
first for me...and a genuinely good experience. Ryan was just a great
combination...nice, friendly, cute guy that seemed to share some
commonalities with me. Despite only knowing him for about an hour or so, I
walked away with a nice feeling of comfort that I rarely had with people. I
couldn't stop smiling the whole way home.

*****

"Blind" by Lifehouse
"Move Along" by All American Rejects
"Somewhere Only We Know" by Keane