Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2000 16:12:41 -0700 (PDT)
From: Chuck
Subject: Giving Up

Picture perfect. That's the right fucking word to describe this...this damn
wallet sized picture I'm holding. No wonder I can't get this thing off of
my hands. It's like a drug! I have to see it at least once a day or I'd
explode to bits and pieces from temptation. What's in this picture?! Well
it might sound really weird, not to me 'cuz...well it's a long long story
and I researched about it in libraries, but it's a cute blonde haired guy!
Not a just a normal blonde haired blue eyed guy, but like a damn hot model!

See, I met this gorgeous teenager in this skiing trip my family and I went
to last four weeks ago. We stayed for about three weeks or so. So I had
time to get to know some girl or someone there to talk and to go ski with.
Guess who was in the cafe sitting alone in this couch drinking coffee or
capuccino? No not him, it was this girl who was I guess the same age as I
am. So yeah, I hid all the fears away and strut my stuff. She felt for it
and like a minute after we were talking about oh I don't know, I think it
was skiing equipments. I know, what a lame topic to pick for a
conversation!

We were talking and talking then suddenly, there's this guy who just sat
beside her. Yeah! That blonde hair guy! I was like so attracted to him that
it took me long enough to find out that she was trying to introduce me to
him! I was like shocked! It's her twin brother! They look nothing alike
except the natural bleached hair colour. That's what she told me. He shook
my hand and said his name to me, Patrick. Like, wow! He looks awesome even
though he was all bundled up and the only skin he was showing was his face,
ears, hands and that's it. He also has a cool name. What stroke of luck.

For the rest of that vacation, I was always with Patrick all day long. In
the morning, afternoon...not night though since like, he was staying in his
hotel which was like five blocks from mine...until the last day. He met me
in my hotel before I left and he was like really looking forward seeing me
again. Yeah I know...wow! That almost sent me to cloud number nine just
hearing him tumbling up with the words! Plus, he gave me a picture of him
and a number in the back so I'll remember him and call him sometime.

Now, I'm sitting here trying to not gratify myself since my friends were
home. I just stared at Patrick's picture. I'll just desribe it to you
guys. He's sitting on this tall stool in a bar or something and he was
wearing a blue cargo pants and a simple white t-shirt one size too big. His
blonde hair hung down just straight above his eyebrows. His blue eyes
sparkled from the camera light. He was smiling like...like an angel! He had
a small dimple in his right cheek. He showed mostly all his perfect white
teeth while he was smiling.

It's his smile that really creates the fireworks within me. It looks so
simple, but when you give another look, he really has a sweet smile that
just sends you to perpetual bliss. I wish I was still back in his hotel...
hello? Ms. Fairy, this is suppose to be your cue to come out and say 'your
wish is granted!'

"Look at Blue! I bet something down there is gasping for air!"

Oh yeah, by the way, my name's Blue. Yes Blue, kinda streak huh? My mom was
about to call me Peach when she thought that I was a girl, 'cuz well, my
little birdie down there was really shy when I was forced out of my mom.
Thank God I'm a guy! Anyway, I'm still young, just turned 15 last two
months ago. Now I'm about 5'7" tall, a pretty okay size for a young guy
like me, I have hazel eyes and my hair is I guess brown to dark.

Yeah anyway the one who just joked about me is my bestfriend Dave. Don't
let the looks fool you. Sure he's like tall and build! MAJOR BUILD! Like,
he almost looks like HULK in a sexy, horny, hunky way. Sure he's the
school's jock, can easily beat a crap out of anyone who pissess of his
friends, but inside that tough skin, that thick headed skull, he's a really
nice, warming and loving person. Emotionally, he's really soft! Go figure.

I admit I used to really like that guy. I don't know...guess I really liked
beefy guys back then. With his shoulder length, pony-tailed deep dark brown
hair and his blue eyes I just couldn't resist him back then. Especially
when I found his 'soft' side! Ah, dreamy stud! That's Dave for sure! You
wouldn't believe how desperate I was! Heh, I even outed to him! Well not in
purpose, I mean I was kinda accidentally spilled some info here and there
and I didn't know he was smart enough to find out about it. He was sorta
weird at the idea first then he started to be okay with it and soon we were
bestest best friends again.

I never told him I like him though, that'll be forever locked up in me. I
don't want him to know! I mean who's gonna be back up when I get into
fights?! But I gotta admit, it did make us sorta closer to each other, in a
friendship way though. I could finally almost tell him everything what I
feel rather than faking which girl I like and all that crap.

"Yeah! Just look at him drool all over it!" a girl said while polishing her
thumb nail. That's Nancy. Normal looking girl. I've known her for like six
months only but now she's one of my best friends...and she knows about
me. I don't know how but she did! She didn't care. All she cared about was
I'd better not steal any of her boyfriends. "Geez! How many times did we
see him looking at the picture? I lost count."

That's James. Average... but really weird! Blonde spiked haired gothic
guy. Wearing everything black and chanting stupid spells! Then again, he
can be an asshole sometimes but yeah, he's ok...and he knows about me, long
story and it was a really bad joke that me and Dave did to him. So
practically, these 3 guys are sorta my small group or gang if you like to
call it that way. Nancy's sorta the leader since she's so persistant and
very dominant, Dave's the guardman and me and James are the only one who
has the brains.

So there I was staring at the piture and letting them mock at me. It is
true though! I've been looking at this pic non stop already! Everytime
they're here in my bedroom, they always see this picture on my
hand. Anything that comes out of my mouth, it's always something about
Patrick. Patrick this Patrick that. What'd they expect for a desperate guy
like me?!

"Dudes, will you all stop it? You don't know how much this guy means to
me," I begged while my eyes drooled on Patrick. Nancy giggled, "I think we
know how much this guy is to you 'cuz since you came back from your ski
trip, your mouth won't shut up about Patrick! Patrick has this cute nose!
Patrick has slender hips! Wah wah Patrick! I want Patrick! Fuck Patrick
man! You know if I get my hands on that picture, I'll shredd'em to pieces!
You hear?!"

Well that was a bit vulgar for her. I guess I really talk about him too
much! James continued, "She's just joking dude, but it is true and it's
getting to be soo annoying hearing the word Patrick all over and over and
over...well you get my drift."

"Well jeez sorry Mr. Lonely guy! I guess you don't know how cool it is to
be...in love!"

"Now it's the love word! Oh my god!" Nancy exclaimed while polishing her
other nail. James agreed, "Yeah! But seriously, I thought it was you two
that were gonna hit it off!"

"Me and who?" I asked curiously.

"You and...Mr. Hunk beside you!" he said smiling while Nancy giggled. I
blushed major bad and I looked beside me where Dave was sitting down the
same position on my bed. He was only wearing a khakis and a tank top that
exposed his shoulder muscle. He objected quickly, "Dude I'm straight as a
pole man! Beside, he's my best friend!"

"Well, you never know. Straight guys sometimes goes out with their same
kind!"

"Screw you, James!"

"Just telling you the facts!" James said raising his shoulders. I didn't
say anything. I mean I still like Dave, undoubtly I do, eventhough I tried
so hard to give it up 'cuz I know there's no chance between him and me.
I've known that a long time ago ever since I told him the real me. I just
can't get over him. I do love him very much but I guess it's one of those
times where you just can't reach what you really ever wanted in your whole
life and it itches you everyday to get one so bad. So I gave up. But yes, I
do like Patrick, a lot! I mean every passing moment that I don't see him,
my feeling towards him just keeps on growing and growing.

"Ever tried calling him?" Nancy asked. "ARE YOU CRAZY?!!! OF COURSE NOT!!!
I mean look, yeah he gave me his phone number and he lives like, in the
other side of this city! I don't want to screw his life and make him come
here. I-I don't want to. No way man! NO WAY!!!"

Suddenly, I felt the bed rumble just as Dave went on his fours and started
poking my side tickling me like crazy. I started giggling and moving away
from him but just got closer and closer until finally was in the corner
getting tickled. "I know why you don't want call him! Afraid that boogy
man's gonna hunt down and kill you if you do! I'll take care of him!"

"*GIGGLES* stop that!*GIGGLES* stop!" I begged pushing his hands away from
tickling me again and again while my other hand held the picture from
getting wrinkled. But he just shoved himself hard to tickle me. I laughed
and laughed and was feeling good from feeling his nice chest and nice abs
from behind.

But then just as I slowly lost grip on the picture, he quickly snatched it
away from my hand and quickly tossed it to Nancy shouting, "HERE! Number's
on the back! Call now!"

I've been trick! I struggled to be released but his arms that wrapped
around my body held me tight close to him and his feet held my legs down. I
was like totally stuck there so I just gave up and enjoyed the 'touching'
moment. His head rest on my right shoulder and I could feel his hot breaths
on my neck while he panted, "Just give up man! I don't want to hurt you!
We're only trying to help you out. Nancy? Dialed the number yet?"

"Shut up! Someone's picking up...Hi! Can I speak to umm...Patrick please?
...alright we'll wait! Oh, his friend Blue wants to talk to him...alright
thanks!"

Dave loosened his tight grip on me unwrapping his arms around me which I
disliked since I liked how his arms gave warmth aroudn me and how I loved
how his chest expanded and contract blowing warm breaths that ran across my
neck to my chest. I took the phone as my heartbeat raced so fast. My finger
tingled wanting to hang up the phone. After a few seconds, I heard someone
picking up the phone. "Hello?"

It felt like I was lift up to cloud 9 just hearing his voice again.  I
tried to say hey but my voice suddenly became mute. My friends realized it
and started giggling. "Hello? Is anyone there?"

"H-Hey Patrick," I said trying hard to make it sound normal.

"Blue? Shit Blue is that you?!" he asked enthusiastically. I was amazed. He
was waiting for me to call! That gave me enough courage to continue. "Yeah
it's me! How ya' doin'?"

"Well for one thing I've been waiting for you phone call for a long long
time! I thought you weren't ever gonna call!"

"I'm totally sorry! You see...I've been..busy," I said lying. My friends
gave me a bad look and Nancy smacked my head. "Oh from what?"

I sat down on the seat where Nancy was sitting before. A smile was
plastered on my face while tlaking to him. It was soo good to hear his
voice again. It was a bit deeper in tone than before but it's probably the
phone or something. We talked on and on for oh, two hours? I think I lost
track but I do know it was already night time and James had left when
Patrick had to go on the other line. "Blue, it's really hype talking to you
again. Look, you wanna...you know, go out sometime and watch a movie or
something...if you're not busy I mean."

Him?! Asking ME out?! I put the phone handle on the desk and told Dave and
Nancy while covering the phone so he won't hear. "Somebody pinch me!"

Nancy giggled and pinched my leg with her nicely polished nails. I gave out
a quiet ow before getting back on the phone. "Hello? Are you there? Is
something wrong?"

"Oh...uh...nothing. So where do you want to go?" I asked feeling jumpy
inside. He went into a long pause before saying, "How about that new
musical performance on the new theatre opening on Saturday?"

I gasped and yiped on the phone. I didn't know he also liked Musical shows
like me! I was saving up money to watch it but I didn't even had half of
what I needed. Shit, I can't go. Wish I was rich. He heard me and he
giggled, "What's wrong?"

"I-I can't afford it. It's way costly man!"

"S'okay I'll treat you. My mom knows a guy that knows a guy that knows a
guy and gave us a lot of tickets front row opening tickets. My parents gave
me bunch of tickets but I didn't know who liked it as much as I do and I
was hoping that you like musical shows."

"Are you serious? I love musical show and I was trying to save up money for
a measly back row tickets. You're gonna treat me? Me? A guy who practically
almost in welfare who can't even afford a ticket there?! Are you jokin'?!"
I asked almost shouting. He laughed in the other line. "Yeah you! So is it
a 'date'?"

"Well Prince Charming, I'd love to go with you."

"Cool! So where should we meet?" he said sounding happy.

"How about in front of the theatre before it starts...but I totally don't
know where the theatre is again." I insisted. "How about me and my parents
pick you up at your house?"

"Hey that's cool! Pick me up at 77 Howard St. at 7?"

"Okay, look I really got to go. My dad cooked and he wants me to eat before
it gets cold."

"Alright, have fun on the toilet! Bye Patrick."

"Bye Blue."

I waited until I didn't hear him then I whispered, "God you're sooo cute!"

"Hahahhah!! Blue! You are sooo in love with that guy!" Nancy shouted as I
hung up the phone. Dave laughed also, "Didn't you see him go crazy when he
was talking to him? So where you two guys going for your lovely smoochy
first date?"

"Sigh...the opening of that musical show thing! He's paying for my ticket!
And he's picking me up! Isn't that romantic?!"

"Paying for you?! What?! That guy's must be a millionaire! None of my
boyfriends had ever spend like hundred plus dollars on a date with me! This
IS sooo like a special date!" Nancy said making a goofy smiled. "Naw, it's
not. Patrick's parents are coming."

"Oh," they both said in unison. I really didn't care if his parents did
come or not. As long as I get to see his face again the night'd be a bliss.

I had to go through two slow awful days of boring school before the so
called date my friends wants to think. I also had to buy clothes from the
mall that would look okay for a theatre experience. My friends helped out
since I wasn't really good at picking my own clothes. We must've went to so
many different kinds of malls since I ran out of bus tickets and had to buy
new ones. David and Nancy went me to pick out the clothes and James went
off to buy the preferable cologne that he thinks will suit me well.

I know I know. I'm sorta taking this theatre thing a little bit too far
eventhough I know it's just a get together thing. I just wanted to look
good. It's been a long time since I saw him and I wanted to make a good
impression when he sees me again. Finally, I bought everything that I
needed. I bought a nice suede shoes which the girl in the counter said I
should put this weird oil to protect it from ice, rain and salt...I bought
it just in case since the shoes was so expensive! I bought this really nice
black cargo pants which used white string stitches to stick the pockets on
the sides and a black v-neck sweatshirt.

"No! Don't make the pants look too baggy! You'll look like a gang guy if
you do!" she said pulling up my pants a little tightning my belt. Okay this
is way way off! It's only a get together thing not a blind date!! I messed
my hair up and pushed my pants down until the crotch part was hanging
between my legs. Nancy screamed, "No! My beautiful work! That's it! Date's
over!"

"Will you stop it! It's not a date. He just wants to see me again and maybe
grab a bite to eat."

I grabbed the comb from her hand and combed my hair the way I always do. I
looked at myself at the mirror and I smiled at myself. Personally, I really
didn't look bad with this clothes and all. I look...okay. Enough to get me
turned on by my own looks! I saw Dave at the reflected mirror smiling like
he got 'some' last night or something. I turned around and smiled, "You
like what you see?!"

He nodded like he was hypnotized or something. "Oh yeah, definitely...wow!
For a gay guy like you...you look hot! I mean...I love you!"

"Thanks for the compliment man! Now...there's something missing. Make up?
earrings? Mascara?" I asked turning around to look back at the mirror.
Nancy latched a silver watch around me that look mighty expensive. "Here. I
found this watch in your drawer."

It was almost 7 pm and Nancy left and Dave was lying behind me on the couch
flipping the channel back and forth trying to find something good to
watch. I kept on checking my watch to see what time it was. It was already
7 and he still isn't here. I started to get worried. What if this was all a
sham or a joke? Or maybe his parents suddenly took a wrong turn and crashed
on a wall or something?

He pushed my arm down. "He's gonna come soon don't worry."

I snuggled closer to him and waited for Patrick to ring the bell. I started
fidgeting and moving around which annoyed Dave since he was just behind
me. Finally someone rang the bell and automatically, I rose up. I whispered
quite happily to Dave, "He's here! He's here! Oh my god, oh my god! What
should I do?!"

"Opening the door is a start!" he said a bit harsh but I guess he was just
pissed at me being too hyped up about this. He grabbed his coat on the
coffee table covering his loose tank top which practically showed every
skin of his body if it was one more size bigger. He went on the back door
and said to me before leaving, "Have fun."

The doorbell rang again. Slowly, I took a deep breath and walked on the
front door. The chimes jiggled as I opened the door wide open. There he
was! He looks way awesome today! He cut his hair shorter and he got a
little bit taller. He had nice clothes on and the plastered grin on his
face melted my heart. Somebody pinch me! Is this for real?! He's actually
in my front steps. Oh my god! Oh my god! Easy Blue, it's only Patrick, the
most gorgeous man on earth who can use me any time he wants. "Hey Blue!
Long time no see!"

"H-*cough* *Cough* hi!" I said nervously. My fingers shook a little and my
armpits felt like it was sweating like someone had just turned the heater
up. "Sorry I'm late! I had to wait for someone! It took like forever!"

"Oh don't worry! I was a little bit late too! I kinda took a long time in
the shower n' stuff!" I explained lying a little. He snickered. I gave him
a weird look. "Wha'?"

"Sorry! I really have a sick mind! Well let's go. Don't want my parents to
wait in the van," he said. I blushed a little as I got on my shoes, locked
the door, and followed him in his van which was just right in front of
us. Surprisingly, I saw a teenage girl inside the van talking to his
parents. It wasn't his twin sister. She look gorgeous and if I was a
straight ass guy I would've fallen in love. He went on the back and sat
beside her as I sat beside him. She kissed him in the cheek. She whispered
which I heard loud and clear, "Miss you already luv."

"Sorry ling," he whispered following with a peck in the lips but she pushed
him away. "*giggles* You haven't introduced me to ur 'friend' yet!"

"Oh yeah!" He said to me pointing at the girl, "Blue, this is my
'girlfriend' Noria."

The moment I heard the girlfriend word, it was like I don't know...fuck...
like someone got a sledge hammer and started smashing my heart into bits
and pieces. I was too shock to even say a word. Everything and I mean
EVERYTHING I thought of him suddenly just scrunched up and was thrown in
the recycling bin. All that weeks of thinking and falling in love with
him...I just wasted my time all along? Why does it have to be this way?
Whenever I try something too hard I always get the lost. Why am I always
the one who never gets lucky?

I...I give up. Another one broke my heart. I just don't see what's the
reason for this. I just don't see it. It's too hard to take all those
broken pieces in the ground and remold it to what it's suppose to look
like. Whenever I put it back together, I never see the same one. It always
get worst. Pieces are missing, it begins to be more fragile, and it's
texture becomes rougher. My battered, beaten heart is already beaten...no
more.

"Pleasure to meet you Noria, I'm Blue," I said calmly offering my hand for
a handshake. She smiled and took my hand. "Pleasure to meet you too Blue!
You really have a cool name!"

"Thanks. I get that a lot!" I said smiling. I didn't pretend. I was smiling
'cuz I wanted to. She was a sweet young 'lady' and she had a really sweet
smile that would make anyone smile. Even me. Her shoulder length layered
honey blonde hair swung as she turned around to look at a cute puppy
walking in the other side of the street. Her smile widened pointing at that
little thing saying how cute it was and how she wanted to buy one when she
settles down and make a family, which was not far too off since Patrick
might 'be' the one for him.

I couldn't say that I did like the musical show. They as in Patrick and his
girlfriend weren't that noisy but I just couldn't concentrate. Like I was
brain dead. I know he's not gay and all now because of his girlfriend and
how they act, but I just can't remove that feeling that he might be trying
to make me jealous or just trying to use her for something. I guess it's
the only thing left in me that wouldn't give up on him.

Two hours or so, the show finished and soon everyone was applauding while
the actors bowed repeatedly on the stage. It was already eleven pm as I
looked out of the tinted window of the van as I stared at the other cars
that passed by us. I heard Patrick and his girlfriend chatted away like a
couple without letting me in their conversations. Even if they wanted me
to, I'd still look away to avoid them both. Somehow I felt like I've been
wasting my time all along having a major infatuation with him and right
now, I feel so bad. I feel like being a third wheel tonight. If I knew that
he would've brought someone like her, then I wouldn't have went.

I took off the car when I reached my house and thanked them for the free
ticket they gave me. They all smiled and Patrick slapped in the back and
said loudly goodbye. I smiled back trying to see the 'friend' in him rather
than the back stabbing asshole which my mind labeled him. His van drove off
and left me standing alone on the sidewalk with my hands tucked in my
pants.

Slowly, I walked to my porch trying to forget about Patrick, or should I
say trying to give up Patrick since it looked like there was no way he
liked me. I took my keys out of my pocket until someone put a hand on my
shoulder. I jumped and my heart beated so fast as I turned around in
fear. Instinct made me hit the guy straight at his face. He squirmed and
held me easily with his hand. Shit! It was Dave! "Holy Jesus! I'm so sorry!
Are you okay?! You totally freaked me out!"

"You pack quite a wallop there! That really hurt," he said touching the
spot where I hit him. I giggled and my hand automatically touched the spot
too where my hand twined with his. He blushed. I asked almost in a whisper,
"Are you okay?"

"Yeah...but let's not talk about me. Let's talk about you!" he said. "Oh
you wouldn't want to know!"

"Oh? What happened?" he said a bit gloomy. For about 5 minutes, I managed
to cramp in a whole 3 hours of story. We sat there on the bench beside my
door telling every single detail what had happen just an hour ago. He said
quietly, "I'm sorry."

"For what?" I asked. He said, "You know, for making you call Patrick and
realizing in the end that you're not well...you know...not really expecting
what you wanted to expect from him."

"No actually, it's better this way. This case, I wouldn't have to worry
about wether he does like me or not rather than running after me and
finding out maybe in the next 15 years or so he wasn't really...you
know...THAT," I said looking at his pants. I continued, "Well, I'd better
go. I have to wake up early tomorrow. You know, for my usual stuff."

We both stood up and faced each other. We didn't say anything as we both
waited for one of us to say the goodbye to end the night off. Instead, he
spread his arms around and said, "C'mere."

I grinned and went towards him. His arms wrapped around me feeling the
great warmth he radiated. Slowly, my arms also locked around him. I felt
his body widening as he breathed slowly. I sighed and this feeling towards
me went off the chart scale again. He backed away a bit but not letting his
arms that was around me go.

"Feeling better?" He quietly asked giving a bashful grin. We stared at each
other quietly. I didn't say anything. 'I' I couldn't say anything. I was
too into the fact that I was loving him a lot again that I couldn't even
understand or hear what he was hearing. It exploded. My feelings towards
him I mean. I inched myself closer to his face and...kissed him. REALLY
FAST! Once my lips felt his lips on mine, I quickly backed away. But I was
unable to do so since he now he hugging me tightly close to him with his
lips slowly grinding mine. I...I was in a utopia state that time. My head
was banging with delight as I felt and KNEW that his two pink lustful lips
was actually locked into mine! He kissed me again, and again before
regretfully, he backed away for a bit. His ears were red and his cheeks
faintly made a red glow. "Well...goodnight."

"Good....night..." I said unable to breath. He smiled and pulled me closer
again to kiss me. He walked down the street backwards looking straight at
me with a smile on his face. I stayed on the porch looking at him before
finally, he looked like an ant in my perspective view. I sat back down the
bench slowly trying to process the information slowly into my head.
Confused as ever, I whispered to myself, "What a weird night."