Hating With A Passion
School became even more of a chore over the next couple of weeks as Jay and I competed for Catherine's favor. We were both the perfect gentlemen towards her going out of our way to hold doors. This became a problem when we fought over who would hold the doors.
"Okay Catherine," Jay said directly. "I've been as polite towards you as I possibly could for the last two weeks straight. I've even tried to get along with Ben which is a futile task. I think we both want to know which one of us you're picking. That way you and I can get on with our plans and Ben can find someone else to go with."
"Yeah," I laughed. "As if Catherine would pick you over me. I've known her longer, and we get along better."
"That's okay. She's still going to pick me."
"Not over me!"
"Is that right Catherine?" Jay asked turning to her.
"Well.. kinda," she said innocently. "The truth is I can't pick either one of you over the other. So if you guys want to go to the dance with me, we're all going to have to go together."
I had to catch myself from falling over, and I think Jay was a little surprised too. When she said "well kinda," I figured I had won, and she and I would go together and live happily ever after... as friends. How was I going to get through a night with Jay when we were both going to a dance with the same girl???
"No way am I going with Ben!" Jay burst out.
"Fine don't.. he and I will go together," Catherine said simply.
"Yeah if you don't wanna go it's cool with me Jay," I said with as cocky a tone as I could manage. Part of it was my joy at Jay's predicament of going with me, the most hated person he knew, or not going with Catherine. The other was probably a faint glimmer of hope that if he and I spent some time together we could work things out between us and maybe be friends. After that, who knew what could happen! If I could become friends with Jay, then becoming more would seem easy by comparison! (Yeah, right.)
Jason stood fuming for a moment looking from Catherine, to me, and back again. Finally after nearly a full minute of silence his shoulders slumped and he sighed. "Fine I'll go with the two of you," he said in a dejected tone then added, "but I'm not gonna have any fun!" I had to laugh at the way he said it, like a four year old being told he was going to the playground even though he didn't want to. I half expected Jay to fold his arms and stomp his feet a few times!
I went home that night and felt almost excited about going to the dance with Catherine and Jay, the three of us. I chided myself for the feelings and tried to bury them as deeply as I could. After all the shit I had taken from Jay over the last year and a half, I still wanted to hang out with him and hoped to make friends. "He's the scum of the earth!" I told myself angrily. "I hate him! I really really hate him!"
"You hate who honey?" My mom asked walking into the kitchen.
"Mom! Uh.. you're home early aren't you?" I asked surprised to see her. I was glad I hadn't thrown a tantrum and started cursing. I would have really been in for it!
"Yeah the computers crashed at the office today, so rather than wait for maintenance to get them back up, I left early."
"That's cool," I said smiling.
"So what's got you so upset?" Mom asked resting one hand on the counter and the other on her hip.
"You know your best friend from highschool?" I asked. Mom nodded and said "yes" in an inquisitive tone. "Well her son is a jerk," I said matter-of-factly.
"Aaw I doubt that honey. You probably just don't know him well enough. You should try to get to know him a little better," she said in that "aren't I so wise" way that mothers always do (and they're usually right when they do it!).
"I'd try to if he wasn't such a jerk all the time."
"Well what has he done to make you so upset with him Benjamin?" Mom asked with a concerned look wrapping an arm around my shoulder and leading me to the living room where we sat down.
"We've fought since the day we met. I dunno why, and there isn't really a reason. He just doesn't like me," I sighed. "Anyways, I asked Catherine to go to the Valentine's Day dance cause I figured it would be fun to go with her cause we get along well and everything. Well when I asked her to go Jay got pissed off and said that he wanted to go with her, but she said she couldn't pick between the two of us and she wants us both to go with her!"
"Oh I have to call Cynthia! We'll have a big dinner together and then you guys can go with Catherine in a limousine and..."
"Have you heard anything I've said?" I asked incredulously.
"What do you mean?" Mom asked as if the question was preposterous.
"I don't wanna eat dinner with him. I don't even want to go to the dance with him! I can't stand Jason... he's a jerk and I hate his guts. Why can't you just listen to me?" I asked angrily.
"If you guys can't get along you should try to work out your problems," she said. "Just pretend he's someone else."
"Just pretend?? Oh gee that should be easy," I muttered under my breath as I marched off thoroughly disgusted with the entire affair. She didn't understand.. how could she?
A few days later I found myself sitting at the kitchen table across from Jason. We ate in silence while our families sat around us talking about us rather than to us. To be honest it didn't bother me much since I wasn't in a talking mood. Then my dad had to go and break open the walls of silence Jay and I had built around ourselves. "So Catherine must be some girl to have two eligible bachelors like yourselves willing to go to the dance with her together!" Dad said.
"Yeah she's somethin special," I said happily. "Of course she's only bringing Jay along for charity's sake," I continued with a wide grin.
"Actually, it's the other way around," Jay said with his own cocky tone.
I guess after that our parents figured they might as well keep the peace by leaving us to our silence. Our two families sat on the living-room couch, love-seat, and twin arm chairs around the coffee table. Jay and I occupied the arm chairs sitting opposite each other. We sat, arms folded, and said nothing to each other the whole time. Finally 7:30 rolled around and the limousine pulled up out front. To be honest at that point I figured the high-point of the evening would be the limo ride. After the quick series of pictures our parents took of us looking a little bored and angry (having your picture taken as you roll your eyes can produce interesting photographs) we were on our way to pick up Catherine.
The limo was a bit much since it was just a semi-formal dance ‹ not tuxedos or anything like that. A few guys wore suits but most guys just wore a shirt and tie with a sweater over the top ‹ pure preppy. Guys preferred to dress like slobs while the girls would usually leave school an hour early to get their hair done and wear overdone getups trying to outdo one another. Catherine wore a dress that couldn't be called anything but a gown. It was blue satin dress where the top ended just below her shoulders.
"Hi boys," she said as she came out the front door.
"Catherine... wow," I said smiling. "You look beautiful!
Jay stood next to me with a look that almost resembled astonishment. "You look really great," he said finally
"Thanks," she said happily. "I really appreciate this guys. I know it's probably hard for you two to pretend to get along for my benefit but I really do appreciate it.
"No problem," Jay and I chorused. Jay flashed me an odd look as we made our way down the walk-way back to the waiting car
The twenty-five minute ride to the dance passed slowly but I guess it wasn't quite as bad now that our parents weren't sitting around Jay and me talking about us. We almost seemed to relax a little and said a few things directly to each other that didn't involve putting the other down. Once we were at the dance, though, things got really.... awkward
Try going to a dance with a girl and a guy. Let's keep in mind that it's definitely not cool to dance with the guy (although I wouldn't have minded personally if he hadn't been my mortal enemy and all). Once the music started to play I started wondering about the slow songs. I mean who'd dance with Catherine first? Needless to say once the first slow song came on Jay and I started the insults
"I asked her first so I should be able to dance with her first!" I said with an angry frown
"Yeah and she brought you with us out of charity.. so you go get the three of us some punch while Catherine and I dance," Jay said scrunching his own face up into an angry glare. Neither of us noticed that Catherine had wandered off to the table where there were sandwiches and stuff set up to eat. Even though the first battle had been averted, the situation came up two more times and finally I guess Catherine was really sick of our constant bickering and squabbling
"It's too bad that there isn't an April Fools day dance, cause the two of you would fit in great there!" Catherine said angrily. "I'm sick and tired of you two acting like idiots every time you're around each other! I didn't want to choose between the two of you because I care about you both and didn't want to hurt either of your feelings so I said we could all go together, but you know what? Screw it! I came with both of you but you two can go home together. I've had it... totally totally had it. The pair of you need to grow up!" Catherine finished and stormed away leaving Jay and me standing on our own
"Does this mean I'm going to have to ride home with you with just the two of us?" Jay asked still a little stunned
"I guess I'll walk the thirty miles home," I sulked
"No," Jay said with surprising quickness. "No we can make it from here home without killing each other.. at least I won't kill you.
"Thanks," I said trying to hide my relief at not having to walk
"I guess we fucked up huh?" Jay asked cracking a half smile
"Yeah.. big time," I said as we both chuckled a little
"Let's get outta here," Jay said after we had stood silently for a couple of minutes watching everyone else have fun. We walked out front to the parking lot where our limo had been parked, but the stretched white Lincoln was gone. "What the?"
"Where's our ride?" I asked stunned
We both realized at the same moment and turned to each other in disbelief. "Catherine!
"Well this fuckin sucks," Jay said with a half smile
"At least I won't be taking that thirty mile walk alone," I said chuckling
"If we cut through the conservation area it'll cut the distance by at least two thirds.. maybe more," Jay said looking out across the parking lot
"Yeah but it's night time, and it's dark in the forest," I said a little nervous
"Come on Ben, don't be a sissy!" Jay said as he smoothed his hair out of his face and started walking off towards the conservation area. The conservation area basically split our town in half. There was a service road many people took during the day to cut across the huge park, but at night a barrier was put up and the lights were turned off to deter vandalism and littering. There was an area designated for camping so no one really complained. It was just the corner that ran into our town, but the hall where our dance was held was actually 20 miles from our school which was situated right around the point of the c.a. My house was about 5-10 miles from the school and about 25-30 miles from the hall.
"Hey wait up," I said as I jogged a short distance to catch up with Jay. "You're sure you know where you're goin?" I asked
"Yeah all we have to do is cut across the conservation area and get to the ravine then follow it east and it'll take us home.
"The Ravine doesn't run east and west, it runs North-North-East to South-South-West," I said quickly
"For real?" Jay asked turning his head to look at me
"Yeah... From here we have to head east to catch the ravine before it gets too steep. Further to the north the sides get higher and harder to climb down.
"Wow... you really know this area huh?" Jay asked cracking a half smile. I just smiled back. "Okay so straight across this way should be east right?
"Nope, more on an angle to the right," I said
"How do you know?" Jay asked looking at me quizzically
"The stars," I answered simply. "That's the north star there, Polaris, so to head east we need to have it to our left, or to the right of Polaris. Then if you look off to the east, there's Virgo sittin there. just above the Horizon. Then you can use Orion as your point now too. It's... 10:57pm so Orion's to the south-west so we can just make sure he's behind us over our right shoulder and it'll point us to the east.
"Orion? Where?" Jay asked stopping me and searching the sky
"Come here," I said pulling him closer. "See those three stars on a bit of an angle sloping upward to the right there?" I said pointing. Jay drew nearer almost resting his head on my shoulder so that his line of sight ran straight along my arm
"Yeah the three bright stars in a row?
"Yeah, that's Orion's belt they talked about on Men In Black," I said smiling
"Cool!" Jay exclaimed. "Where's the rest of him?
"Well," I giggled. "Orion's not really anatomically correct so you have to sorta use your imagination," I said. Jay smiled and nodded. "Okay see that other bright star there below the third star and to the left?
"That's one of the other stars. Saiph, which is his left foot. Now look up above that and there's another semi-bright star. That one's Betelgeuse, his left shoulder. Then a buncha stars branch up from that that make up his left arm... now down and to the right at about a 45 degree angle is Bellatrix, his right shoulder...
"Hey yeah! And there's his arm that runs out from it!" Jay exclaimed. "Right?
"Yeah that's right," I said smiling. Then down below the belt are two stars that make up his other leg. The lower one is Rigel, which is his foot." I could have gotten into more detail on the other stars names, but figured Jay didn't really need a major astronomy lesson
"That's really kewl... how you know about stars and stuff," Jay said looking at me with a weird twinkle in his eye. At the time it almost looked like he was proud of me, but I quickly shrugged that idea off. "Do you know where my zodiac sign is?
"You're a Gemini right?" I asked. Jay nodded so I quickly searched out the group of stars just above and to the left of Orion. "Right there," I said pointing. "See the two stick-figures?
"Yeah," Jay smiled. "That's so cool! I bet you could probly name all the stars that make them up too huh?
"Most of them," I said smiling back. We stood looking up at the stars for a couple minutes in silence. I almost would have said Jason looked beautiful as he admired the stars hanging high above
"So we just head this way then?" Jay asked breaking the silence
"Yup," I said smiling as we set off. It was the first thing we had ever really done just the two of us. We made pretty good time across the large open field that stretched from the road. It was hard to make out the dimly lit street from the edge of the large forest. Once in the forest the trees partly blocked the clear sky so we guessed our way to the ravine. When we finally reached the ravine I realized we were too far to the north. "We need to head back south to get down the side," I said as I turned to my right to head south
"What do you mean? We can make it down this slope!
"No wait! It just rained yesterday the ground's gonna be..." I began my warning but I was too late. As Jay started his way down the steep slope he stepped on a patch of wet leaves that instantly gave way on the muddy soil and he started plummeting down the side
"Oh ssssssssshhhhhhhit!" Jay yelled as he began sliding faster and faster. I watched in dismay as Jay sped foot-first down the slippery slope-face. He hit a fallen tree at the bottom with his left foot and spun over the top landing in a pile of old wet leaves. I reached out in front of me and grabbed the side of a tree and began skittering down into the ravine, going from tree to tree. I reached the bottom about fifteen yards from Jay and quickly jogged over to where he lay holding his leg near the ankle
"Geez Jay you coulda gotten yourself killed! What did you hurt?" I asked concerned
"My ankle! I think it's sprained or broken," Jay said holding his ankle and rolling from side to side
"Are you okay?" I asked hiding my concern. I just wanted to get the hell outta the forest
"No my fuckin ankle hurts like a bitch you jackass!" Jason barked
"Okay well I'll see ya," I said standing up and turning to leave
"Where are you going?" Jay asked quickly
I took a step away and smiled to myself. Yeah I was really gonna get this asshole now. He ruined my night, and now I was gonna leave him alone in the forest. "I'm going home," I said
"Please!" Jason called after me in a scared voice. I turned back and looked at him sitting on the log. "Please don't leave me," he said quietly as his eyes shone like stars in the moonlight. Jay looked pleadingly at me and I stood looking at him
"Why shouldn't I leave you? All you ever do.. all you've ever done is treat me like shit. From the first day of highschool when we met, you've never had a nice thing to say to me. You hate me more than dog-shit on the sole of you shoe on a hot day! And now that we're thirty miles from nowhere, lost in a frigging forest at night, you want me to stay with you when you're injured? All you'll do is slow me down ‹ and that's if you can even walk. So tell me Jay, why shouldn't I leave you?
"Because," Jason said searching my face for compassion and finding none. Oh I was wavering a little on the inside, but the last thing I was gonna do was let him see that
"Because what?" I asked putting my hands on my hips
A few tears broke loose from Jay's eyes. "You should leave me," he said in a voice barely above a whisper. "If I were in your position, I'd probably leave you... I can't expect any different I guess.
Jay seemed absolutely defeated, and he put his head in his hands. I could see his shoulders shaking slightly and knew he was crying, but instead of feeling satisfied, I felt like crying myself. I don't think through all of our name-calling I had ever seen Jay cry before, and it actually stung like needles in my heart. I walked over next to him and sat down on the log. He lifted his now wet face out of his hands and looked at me with surprise. "What are you doing?" he asked
"What do you mean?
"Well shouldn't you be headed home?" Jay asked gazing at me shyly from beneath his eyebrows. I guess he was embarrassed at my seeing him cry
"Nope," I said simply. "You might have left me if we were in the same situation but it wouldn't have been right. Besides, I'm so turned around now I don't know which way is home.
"Just follow the ravine," Jay said quietly. "It leads to the Freeman's Street bridge.
"Well then let's get outta here," I said as I stood up
"I don't think I can walk Ben," Jay said unsurely
"I'll help you," I said extending a hand towards him. "Come on.
Jay looked from me to my hand, then grabbed it. I helped him up and swung his left arm over my shoulder and wrapped my right around around his back. Chills ran up and down my spine at the close contact, and as soon as Jay and I touched, I wanted more. I ignored it and we started on our way along the bottom of the ravine. I had figured it would take us maybe a half hour to get out, but with our slow pace a full hour passed and Freeman's Street was nowhere in sight
"I need a break," Jay said huffing
"Just a bit further," I said. "Come on we can make it.
"Please," Jay said pleadingly. "Just a quick break?
I sighed. "Okay," I said. I wanted to get home! It was getting colder, and darker, and I had always hated this forest at night since I had been here for a cub-scout camp and two other scouts and I got beaten up by a couple of drunken teenagers. I had decided then and there that no cubs should camp in this forest. Of course now I wished there were some so they could help us out
Jason and I sat down, or rather fell over onto the gentle side of the ravine, and Jason let out a long sigh. "Is it really hurting now?" I asked
"Yeah it's just pounding, er.. throbbing. Every step makes it hurt more and my shoe's pushing on it too.
"Can I look?" I asked meeting Jay's eyes for the first time since we had started our slow gimp along the ravine's bottom
"What are you a cub-scout?" Jay asked jokingly
"Actually," I laughed. "Yes I am.
"I guess you can look, but don't touch it okay?" Jay said quietly with a gentle smile on his face
"Okay," I said and crouched down by his feet. Jay was on an incline of about 30º so I wasn't close to any "personal items" so to speak, and that suited me just fine. I rolled his pant leg up to just below the knee and got a nice view of Jay's firm calf. "Can I take the shoe off?
"I guess... just be gentle okay?
I nodded my head and untied the laces slowly making sure I didn't put any undue pressure on Jay's foot or ankle. I held the shoe by the toes with one hand and by the heel with the other and gently slid it off his foot. Jay hissed and I snapped my head up. "Sorry Jay, I tried to be as gentle as I could.
"I know," he said quietly. His eyes were softened now and I so much wanted to slide up and hold him to me. I felt like the needle of a compass being pulled north, but unlike the needle I refused to go along with it. His ankle was really swollen, but I was glad to see no bones were sticking through
"No compound fractures," I said with a smile. I pulled up the leg of my pants, unhooked the tensor bandage I was wearing around my knee, and quickly unraveled it. I placed it on the inside of Jay's foot just above the arch and began winding it around his foot towards the heel, then up around the ankle for support. "Lucky thing I have this with me," I said as I started wrapping Jay's ankle
"How come you're wearing it?" Jay asked curiously
"I screwed up my knee playing soccer last year, and ever since if I do too much I get a shooting pain on the inside. My mom wants me to go to the doctor to get it checked out but I don't wanna cause I'll probly hafta have it scoped.
"That sucks dude," Jay said. "Are you gonna be okay to walk without it though Ben?" Jay asked actually sounding like he was genuinely concerned for my well being
"Yeah I'll be fine," I said. "All done Jay.
"You really were a cubscout," Jay giggled. His laughter was like music in the night air and got a few giggles out of me too
"Hey Jay can I ask you somethin?" I asked quietly
"I guess yeah, why?" Jay said softly
"I dunno... it's just been bothering me," I said. "Why did you write that thing about me in the bathroom stall?
"I didn't," Jay said looking down at me seriously
"Well it had your name underneath it," I shot back not believing him
"I know it did," Jay said maintaining a serious face and meeting my eyes with his. "Ben I promise I didn't write it. I might say some stuff sometimes, but I wouldn't write that." I looked at him quizzically but his eyes never left mine. "I swear.
"Who wrote it then?" I asked beginning to believe him
"Antonio Santana wrote it I think," Jay said. "He doesn't like either one of us," he added laughing
"Why would he write it?
"He said the other day that he's sick of listening to us fight all the time, and Danny said that Carlos wrote it," Jay said simply. The way he said it and the look on his face convinced me that either it was Antonio or someone else , but not Jason
"I say we find out who for sure and kick their ass," I said and giggled
Jason joined in for a second. "Yeah, I thought it was Danny at first.. when you came up to me that day and.. well told me that you hated me and all I didn't even know what I'd done to piss you off that much. I mean I like pissing you off but I thought you were planning to kill me!
"You wanna just leave your shoe off?" I asked changing the subject and remembering I wanted to get home. "I doubt we can get it back on over the tensor bandage.
"I guess... it'll be kinda gross walking on the ground without it on," Jay said biting the side of his bottom lip thoughtfully
"I'll still be helping you," I said as I stood up holding Jason's shoe
"I just need to rest for a couple more minutes. Then we can go again. My good leg is cramping up from all the hopping," Jay said resting his hands on his head and locking the fingers together
"Sure," I said simply, leaning against the side of the ravine next to Jay. I noticed as I lay next to him, that I missed the brief period where Jay and I had touched as I helped him along. For that brief period I had felt almost.."complete" I guess you could say. It's tough to describe I guess. Still I felt at peace for a change, and I mean I was next to Jay Daniels. It wasn't every day I could say that I was next to him and feeling relaxed! The sky above was crystal clear and so beautiful. The night sky looked as if someone had taken taken a dark blue sheet of plastic and poked holes through it, holding it in front of a light. The starlight was enhanced by the white glow cast on everything by the moon. The tops of all the tree branches shimmered with a soft hue of white light as they swayed back and forward in the cool evening breeze. "Sure is a nice night," I said, my mood verging on cheerful
"Yeah," Jay said in a hushed voice barely above a whisper. I looked at him next to me and noticed him shivering slightly
"Are you okay? Are you cold?" I asked concerned
"No... I... no," Jay said staring off into space. He had his arms wrapped around himself now
"Is your foot bothering you then? You're shaking," I said rolling onto my side facing him
"No my foot's feeling a lot better now," Jay continued in his subdued voice
"Well don't tell me you're shaking with rage at our close proximity cause that'll spoil this peaceful moment," I said jokingly
Jason let out a quick chuckle before his bottom lip started to tremble. I saw his eyes become suddenly shinier as a few stray tears broke loose and ran down his cheeks catching the silver moonlight and making Jay look almost angelic. "No.
I reached out my left hand hand, let it rest lightly on Jay's left arm and gave him a gentle squeeze. "Why are you shaking then dude?" I asked curiously
"Because I'm scared," Jay said low as his voice cracked
"Aaw don't be scared Jay," I said as sympathetically as I could. "We'll get home.
"I'm not worried about that," Jay said shaking his head slightly as he stared off into space
"What are you afraid of then? The dark?" I asked more tenderly. Jay shook his head giving no audible reply though his mouth moved. "What are you afraid of then Jay-dude? That your parents are gonna be mad when we get home late?" Jay made his same negative reply with a headshake and a few more tears. "I can't help if you don't tell me what's wrong Jay," I said feeling helpless. For all that Jay and I hadn't gotten along in the past, tonight after Catherine split on us I could almost say we had fun, or at least I had. I actually felt like Jay was my friend for the first time since we had started high school together and I actually felt content. Poor Jay, on the other hand, was going through some kind of fear or pain inside and I couldn't help him. "I can't figure you out Jay," I said quietly as I slid my hand off of his arm
"I can't figure me out either," Jay said quietly after a few seconds. I could barely hear him. He was talking too quietly. He turned his face towards me and met my eyes with his. "The feelings I have inside me tonight... they're so scary Ben!" Jay said quietly. "I've never had feelings like this before... I mean I have, but never this strong and it's not right... it can't be right!
"What kind of feelings?" I asked searching Jay's face for the answers I could use to help him anyway I could. "I promise I won't say anything to anyone," I continued after a short pause
Jay lay there for a long time looking at me before speaking. "You promise you won't tell anyone?" he asked
"Absolutely... I promise I won't tell anyone," I said evenly
Jay turned his head back looking straight ahead for a moment then quickly back to me. "You promise no matter what you won't flip out and leave me here?
"Yeah I promise no matter what I'll help you get back to my place.
"And you won't tell a soul right?" Jay repeated the first promise over again
I knew it must be something really important to him so I grabbed his arm again gently. "I promise," I said with as much conviction as I could
Jay turned his gaze away from me again and he closed his eyes before he began. "Tonight... when Catherine left I thought my whole night would suck. We were goin' home early, and then we had to walk home on top of it! I fell down the hill and messed up my ankle and all, and well... I figured you'd just up and leave me alone to fend for myself but you didn't and that really touched something inside of me Ben," Jay spoke softly. "When you helped me all the way here and then checked out my ankle for me, and took off your tensor bandage to help make me feel better the feelings just got stronger. Then just now when we were lying here looking at the stars just not saying anything, the whole world seemed so... so...
"Perfect," I said supplying what I hoped was Jay's answer
"Yeah," Jay said as I watched his bottom lip tremble again. "It'll probly freak you out and you'll hate me even more when I say it, but from the first time I saw you I felt... something. I had never ever felt it before and it scared me right from that first day of grade nine. It was like when I saw your face I already knew you, or wanted to know you, so I pushed you away. I treat you like shit... really bad, and you still didn't turn your back on me when it would have gotten back at me the most. But Ben the only reason I treat you like shit is so you'll treat me bad back. I knew that way I wouldn't have to deal with things. Look, what I'm trying to say is that I think I'm in love with you.
I jumped up half out of surprise, and half out of Joy. I couldn't believe it! He loved me! Jay really loved me and he said it! "There I said it! Now you can hit me or yell at me so that I can leave this whole set of fucked up feelings behind." I pulled him up onto his one foot and wrapped my arms around him tightly
"I'm not gonna hit you Jay. It's okay," I said trying to calm him and contain my own joy. I noticed tears were running down my cheeks now too, partly because I was so happy. Another part was simply because I couldn't help thinking of all the mean things I had said to Jason and how they must have made him feel, especially the more recent episode involving the bathroom stall
"I don't wanna be gay Ben!" Jay said breaking into tears and wrapping his own arms around me. He gripped me tightly and buried his face into my neck and shoulder. "I don't wanna be a queer! Why does the world have to suck this bad? I get good grades, I'm smart, I'm an okay athlete, I take my vitamins, and I say my prayers! Why do I have to be a fag?" Jay was speaking through broken sobs now as I held his trembling body tightly
"It's okay Jay," I said soothingly
"No it's not Benjamin," Jay said pulling back enough so that we could see each other. I stood about an inch taller than him on the unleveled ground and because Jay had no shoe on one foot. "I'm gonna be alone or unhappy all my life. Nobody's ever made me feel the way you have and that's just in one night spending time together! I've had more than that from girls who I thought I really cared about, but compared to this they were all a joke! What will I do on Monday when you and I go back to being enemies? I can't fight this anymore Ben I just.. I can't do it!" Jay said as his shoulders slouched
My hands were resting lightly on either side of Jay's torso just under his armpits and I slid them up over his chest to his neck. It was like one of those classical movie moments as I leaned forward slowly. Before Jay knew what was happening, our lips had met gently and in that instant I realized what people meant when they talked about the thin line between love and hate. The people you love the most can make you hurt the most, but I also learned that you can come back from the other side of that fine line. It was a kiss I know I'll remember for the rest of my life
Our lips parted ever so slightly as our delicate embrace became more passionate. I felt Jay's tongue slip along my lips gently as I brought my hands up to each side of his face and rubbed his cheeks with my thumbs softly. Then Jay moaned as his tongue advanced into my mouth. I mirrored his actions and we were soon groaning and grinding our bodies together in a long embrace that left us both out of breath a few moments later
"Whoa," Jay said giving his head a slight shake. "Did that just happen or was I pulling an 'Ally McBeal'?
"Hehe well I don't see any directors or cameras around to you?" I asked giggling
"Maybe they're hidden," Jay said smiling
"Well then I hope the viewers enjoyed the show," I said smiling as I brushed the stray hair from Jason's forehead. "I love you Jason.
Jay grabbed me and pulled me close again, holding me tightly. He let out a loud sigh and seemed to relax into my arms until it was like we were both floating and both hanging onto the other like we were what was keeping each other up. "It's kinda funny," Jay whispered. "All the time I spent agonizing over this whole thing... now that I've finally told you how I feel it's like it doesn't even matter.
"What do you mean?" I asked softly gently sliding my hands over Jason's back in small circles
"I was just so afraid of being labeled gay, or even just of being gay period ‹ like I was going to burst into flames suddenly or something, but now... it just seems so... right. If that makes me a queer then I can live with being a queer as long as I have you as my friend.
"Well," I said slowly. "I hope we can be more than just friends.
"Do you really love me? I mean after all the things I've said?
"Do you really love me?" I asked. "I've said some pretty harsh stuff myself!
"Yeah, but I started the whole thing.. You just said all those things cause I started it. I mean I hurt sooooo bad knowing that I've treated you so rotten over the last two years, and now that I've had a taste of these feelings, I'm sorta really wishing we could have started sooner.
"Who knows Jay... maybe that's the way things had to be! Maybe for us to build up enough passion to break through these barriers that have been put between us, we had to build it in a negative way. They say two negatives make a positive.
"That's a kinda neat way of looking at it," Jay giggled
"Well I try," I said squeezing him a little tighter. "Shit it's gettin kinda cold out and we're still stuck in the middle of nowhere! Let's get outta here shall we?
"Yeah let's hurry up and get home," Jay said releasing me. Jay grabbed his shoe, and we were soon on our way again, but this time we were on our way together. To be honest I figure that life will be a lot harder than it was to get out of that ravine that night, but together Jay and I got out with just a few minor injuries, and the way I see it we can do just about that very same thing with life if we do it together
Well there you have it, the full story of
"Hating With A Passion"... of course the next part would hafta have
a different name but would probly be under the same directory with a new name
or somethin cause David's really kewl with doin it that way with stories on
Nifty. I'd again like to thank everyone I've sent the early copies to who gave
me comments on the story. So anyways.... talk to ya later and I hope ya
enjoyed the story! :)
Take care & talk at ya later!