Date: Fri, 4 Nov 2005 18:27:22 EST
From: NEL114@aol.com
Subject: gay male highschool he was my bestfriend 9

Yea I know its been forever since I updated, *sorry*  all I can say is:
school has kept me busy as fuck, which is bad. But hopefully this chapter will be
worth the wait. If you've been reading my story this long you should know all
the legal shit sooo 3nJ0I!!

He was my best friend chapter 9: always

I couldn't sleep, I had too much on my mind. Like why did I act like that
when Johnny's mom let out that he has sex, I mean he is human after all and its
not like me and him are anything but friends....but still, I couldn't help but
feel something. I thought that all this time I was the only guy, I thought that
I was...I don't know. Special I guess. But I was wrong, I am not the only Guy
Johnny is into. But why does that bother me? Maybe if this was a few weeks,
days even but now. I should be happy with Josh, Happy that he's changing,
changing for me. But I'm not! I'm angry that Johnny has been with other people...I don
't want to be but I am. Its wrong and so selfish, I know but...I cant help it.

I should be happy for him, after all I've put him through. I should be happy
that at least he doesn't sleep alone...all the time. But why!! He's had chance
with me, like a lot of chances. It seems I'm not good enough for anyone. See?
that's me being selfish...and jealous. I guess some of Josh's nastier qualities
have rubbed of on me. I want to say " Yay Johnny you're finally getting
some!" but I cant. I know I shouldn't be acting this way, because he never has to
me. Johnny has always supported me even when it hurt him. So, I guess this is
what I need to accept. Accept that I cant have both Josh and Johnny. Be happy
for Johnny, maybe then he can move on, then maybe I can move on.

" your awake," it was more of a comment than a statement.

" so are you." I was laying on my back looking at the ceiling. I do this a
lot, I don't know why my ceiling is the most fascinating thing in the world at
times like these, maybe I should put posters or the glow in the dark stick on
things. Maybe then I can stare at my ceiling just to stare at it, not because I'
m sad or something.

" you wanna tell me why you were out so late?" Josh started. " I was worried."

"I'm sorry if you were, but you don't need to be." I whispered. At times
like these, when your awake this late, or early that it just doesn't feel right
to use your normal voice. Like your gonna get punished for being too loud. " me
and Johnny talked."

" that's it? About what." he asked, suspicion clear in his voice.

" we just talked nothing you need to worry about." I lied, he should be
worried. I'm jealous that Johnnies been with other people.... `other'? I make it
seem like me and him are together...

" oh really? So I don't need to worry about you ever kissing him then, should
I." he said emotionlessly. WHAT!??? I how-how did he find that out. No-no
maybe he's just like bluffing. Like when you think someone stole your favorite CD
and you ask then, then they go all guilty, yea that's what he's doing. But I
couldn't help but feel panicked, alone with Josh...after he found out I just
kissed another guy...I unconsciously moved further away from him.

" what are you talking about?" I asked carefully, still looking at my plain
ceiling.

" you wouldn't lie to me, would you?" he turned over on his side, facing me.

" Josh..." I was afraid now, afraid that he might loose his temper and Johnny
wasn't here to stop him...

" why'd you do it?"  I could feel his eyes on me but I couldn't look his
way, I was scared.

" you were SPYING on me?!" I whispered harshly, trying to turn the tables on
him.

" no," he replied.

" then how?" I asked still confused.

" I thought you were in trouble..."

" form Johnny?" I asked incredulously. " you and I both know Johnny would
never-"

" I heard him yelling, so did your mom. You should pay more attention to your
ventilation system." he explained. I was trying to be angry, angry that he
was spying but I couldn't. I wanted to feel anything but...guilt. Was it me this
time? The one that fucked things up. Yea, Josh was changing and I had to fuck
things up at the beginning. " so I walked up the stairs and put my head to the
door and I heard you and him arguing. I was going to walk in but...the
conversation was too-something I needed to hear." I turned on my side facing away from
him. I felt bad, real bad. He heard EVERYTHING? I felt like crying for some
reason, not for myself but for Josh. I could feel the emotion in his voice and
it wasn't a good feeling. I felt shivers go down my spine and Goosebumps cover
my body. " then Sparks opened the door, and you know the rest." his
emotionless tone of voice scared me but I still felt bad, he didn't deserve that. I
know I would've been pissed to walk in thinking he was hurt, only to find him
with someone else.

"..." damn I'm caught...what do I do now.

" so...are you gonna tell me what you talked about at his house?"

" you aren't mad?" I asked, josh was too calm about this.

" not yet, it seemed like something ya'll needed to do. I always felt like it
was something between you too. I could see it in the way he looked at you...I
felt bad for him. I felt like I wasn't the one that was supposed to be with
you-"

" don't say that, I may have feelings for him but I love you. You are the one
I'm supposed to be with." I said truthfully. Yes, I do have feelings for
Johnny but I love Josh, nothings going to change that.

" but you love him too," he was right. I did love Johnny. But was it the
friend love or was it more...no! I love Josh.

" he's not you, josh. No one is. He doesn't have my heart." the words came
from straight from my heart.

" yes he does. How do I know that he wont win you over, make you realize that
you don't really love me, that I was just a crush that lasted a little longer
than the rest..." he sounds so sad, so depressed.

" never, you are not just a crush! You never were, you're so many things but
a crush." What's wrong with you, why are you talking like this."

" when you left with him, I felt like you weren't coming back...that you'd
realize how much of a fuck up I am, like everybody else. I felt like you weren't
coming back to me." and I almost didn't. if Johnny's mom hadn't said anything
about the 'others' I probably would have slept with Johnny. But I expected
Josh to be anything other than sad. I expected anger and jealousy...but not said
and vulnerable. Josh was never that, he's the strong one.

" but I did. And I always will. I feel safe with you, you can make me feel
like no one else. You're my dream come true..."

"good." the sadness and vulnerability left him and his cocky attitude
returned. " if you left me I don't know what I would do." then it came right back.

" because I wont, so there's nothing you could do."

After a long silence Josh spoke. " what are we going to do?"

" what do you mean?" I asked.

"about us. I know I love you and that you love me but...what if love isn't
enough?"

" what are you saying..." I feared for the worst. Is he trying to dump me?

" you're afraid of me, the one person who shouldn't be."

" I'm not afraid...I just-"

"I hurt you, I PHYSICALLY hurt you...I don't think I can ever forgive myself
for that....I hit the one person who matters most, the person I'm supposed to be
protecting from the pain of the world...and I hurt you."

"we don't have to talk about this-"

"yes we do! I'm tired of you being afraid to tell me things cause you think I'
ll get mad... I want you to trust me."

" I do trust you, its just...I don't know, but I don't like the way your
talking..."

" I love you."

"Josh..."

"  do you trust me?"

" with my life."

"okay. Go to sleep."

"no! what's wrong, why are you talking like this, like were not going to wake
up together..." what the fuck...he has NEVER been this way...what have I done.

"I don't know. I just feel...weird. Like we aren't going to last longer, that
we've grown too far apart." what has gotten into him...was it about me and
Johnnies conversation.

" that's not true." I argued.

" then why is your back turned to me."

" stop..."

" we need to take-"

"STOP!!" no...josh we cant...don't leave me.

" baby listen...I think some time apart, to think about what we really need...
would do both of us good." I already know what I need. I need him, that's all.

" are you dumping me?" I felt my chest close, my breath disappear.

" we were done a long time ago, we just didn't want to deal with it. We were
scared." my world is over...josh doesn't want me anymore.

" I hate you...stop doing...this," I sobbed. We aren't done, he doesn't know
what he's talking about.

"..mark don't ever say you hate me...it hurts too bad." then " We have to do
this. YOU have to do this, after what I heard between you and Johnny I cant go
on knowing what's between you and him. every time I see you and him together
after today will feel...wrong. And I know I cant ask you to stop talking to him so
...this is the only way."

" Johnny doesn't want me and I don't want him. What you just described was
me and Johnny, not me and you. We are no where near our end...so stop..." I
started off strong but I finished so weak. " you cant leave me."

" turn around and look me in the eyes." he said softly, its been a while
since he talked like this. " I don't like to see you cry...but its all you ever do
when I'm around." he said, staring deeply in my eyes, in my soul.

" you don't make me cry...but if you left me its all I would do...so you cant."
I said and he knew it was true, so he stopped with the `time a part' thing.

" what are we gonna do Mark?" he stopped to think. "I cant go on hurting you
like I have but if we take a break I'll defeat the purpose."

" why do we have to talk about it? Why not forgive and forget-" if talking
about this makes him act and think this way, then I never EVER want to.

" because it doesn't work. I...feel so fucking bad for all the shit I put you
through. I've said I'm sorry so many times..."

" that stuff is all in the past, and its not like I never hurt you. We have
to forget about that, so we can move on." he can't do this. I wont let him feel
guilty. Especially not over me.

" I know baby, I know...but its hard. You don't even know about half this shit
I did...you always thought I was perfect, and I fucked up over and over again...
" I was getting tired, when you wake up on the middle of the night your not
supposed to stay up. " you still awake?" he asked after I stopped responding.

" Mm Hm," I said sleepily. I felt Josh soot closer to me.

" Roll over," I rolled over and josh spooned me from behind, back in our
sleeping positions. " this feels like the first time. When I held you after we had
sex. Do you remember?"

 Once I again I sleepily agreed. " yea..." then I yawned.

" I raped you..." that caught my attention, I was just about to fall asleep,
then he said that. Should I pretend I didn't hear him and go to sleep. Or
somehow comfort him.

" go to sleep Josh,"

" I raped you..." he said more to himself than to me.

" that wasn't you...." it wasn't him. I remember, he was drunk, like really
drunk. He didn't know what he was doing...plus I shouldn't have said no. he is my
boyfriend after all.

" what Johnny said was right...maybe you and him do belong together..." as long
as there's josh I don't want anybody else.

" stop saying that."

" you are so dumb when it comes to me...you should've left me a long time ago...
" he sounds like Johnny.

" Josh..." what is with this sudden mood change. What happened to my Josh and
where the hell did this person come from.

" you should've left me..." again with the depressed Josh.

" you're still going to be here when I wake up, right?" I asked, I would be
scared if I woke up without him.

" I don't know..."

" just say yes!" I needed to hear it from him. If he didn't say it then I
wouldn't go to sleep.

" ok."

" I love you, josh."

" I know... I love you." the way he's been talking theses last couple of
minutes is getting to me. every word is dripped with sadness.

" don't think trying to drop me off to Johnny is going to help anything, if
you left me it was hurt just as bad." I said after another silence. I knew what
he was thinking, but that isn't the solution to our problems.

" I have to protect you...from me..." he pulled me closer then kinda let me go.
" I raped you... I never knew I did that...why didn't you tell me?"

" cause I never wanted to admit it to myself." that was the truth. If Johnny
didn't like to remind me of it, I would've forgot by now.

" I cant touch...you..." I got fed up. I jumped out off my bed and Josh's arms
to turn on the lights. " what the fuck is wrong with you?" I whispered harshly.

" what's wrong with you? Why are you still with me? What do I do that he can'
t." he's making me think...I am not running to Johnny, I'm not leaving Josh.

" because I LOVE YOU!!" I Screamed.

" that's not enough...all the shit I did..."

" I've already dealt with that stuff! I'm over it...I jus want my boyfriend
back."

"NO! I wont hurt you again! I cant do that to you...I cant make you happy! I
fucking scare you...I'm not your boyfriend...I cant be, I'm not right for you..."

" yes you are! Stop talking like that..."

"no...I'm leaving, you need to forget about me." Josh get out of bed and tried
to put his clothes on, but I jumped in his lap. " don't make this harder then
it already is...I cant hurt you anymore...its already eating me from the inside."

" I don't care! don't leave me..."

" baby...no....NO!  were fucking done! Get off me!" He doesn't have the right to
say we're over...

Josh pushed me and I fell to the ground. I searched his eyes, seeing if he
was for real. I controlled them somewhat...but looking in his eyes. I broke...

" See? SEE!!? Do you see now why we cant be together." he grabbed his stuff
and left, in nothing but his boxers. But I wasn't going to let him walk away
from me, I wasn't going to let it be that easy. I got down the stairs as soon as
he was about to walk out.

" JOSH!" I yelled out, but he ignored me. " JOSH!!!" I yelled out again, he
stopped lowered his head then kept going. He was almost there, he was unlocking
the door...about to leave...and take my heart with him. " JOSH!...josh"

" forget me..." he was ready to walkout and leave me, but I he cant. He is too
much to me, if he leaves I'll die.

" if you leave me I swear to god...I'll kill myself... I swear to fucking god, I`
ll do it" I slumped down on the bottom stair.  I lowered my heads to my knees
and cried, if he was going to leave me then there's no need for me to be
here. If Josh isn't in my life I'll be just as dead.

" don't..." he dropped his stuff and ran over to me, took me in his arms. "
ever...say that." he was crying, not just misty eyed but actually crying. " don't
ever fucking say that again. I'm not worth it, no one is."

 We sat there on my stairs crying out years of pain onto he each other, our
pain. I was serious, if Josh ever left me I would kill myself.

" forever" josh whispered in my ear

" and always...I'll love you." I whispered back


A/n
So this is chapter nine. So, does this change some of your opinions about
Josh. Not as evil as you thought, eh. If you thought I updated too late or if you
just want to e-mail me saying you liked my story, do it nel114@aol.com or you
can aim me, at the same Sn. Welp see ya in chapter ten *whoop whoop* like ten
chapterz ~^~yay~&~. MYsPaCe rulez!! Sarah rulez! Umm and *thinking* *tiara%&*
and well everyone else *if I forgot don't like get mad, I'm rushing so it
can be out by tomorrow.  ^_^ I might be starting a yahoo group for some of my
other stories, tell me what you think. Nay or yay?