Date: Sat, 15 Feb 2003 04:22:46 -0800 (PST)
From: fyiord@yahoo.com
Subject: Heartache

I was sitting under the shade of a big tree. Don't ask me whether its oak
or birch or whatever, because I wouldn't know. So there I was, alone. No,
I'm not a loner. I just wanted some time alone. I had a dry twig in my left
hand and was absent mindedly breaking it into small pieces with my right
hand, as my eyes looked towards the park, past it and beyond.

I needed time for myself. To be true to myself. Even if for an hour or so,
it helped. In front of my friends I have to be somebody else. In front of
my family I must not be who I am. It was easy because I had an IQ of 152.
Not too bad. Enough brains to be vigilant of my actions. Under the tree I
can be myself. With God as my witness and friend.

'Hei, Eric!". A familiar voice startled me. Together with a painful slap on
my right shoulder.

I knew who it was. I didn't even look at the person causing the dull pain
on my right shoulder. He sat next to me on my left side. The guilty hand
started to rub that dull throbbing pain. I tried to shrug it off but a
finger poked me in my left ribcage.

'Fuck, leave me alone', I said with a forced grin knowing it was a futile
request.

'Come on man, you're supposed to be at your house today. Remember our
date'.  Jake is 17 yrs old, the same age as me and we have been best
friends and neighbours since we were 14.  I could feel his eyes looking at
me. Always the flirt. One of the reasons I was here. I wanted to get away
from him but, as always, he knew where to find me. You see, he's just too
close to the truth sometimes. With his long blond hair and handsome face
and nice slim body (no bulky muscles) and cute smile and.. oh I can go on
and on, he's my perfect date. Now you get my drift. He's my best friend
though and I think I got no chance in this lifetime.

'You miss me. How cute,' I said and turned my head towards him with my
puppy dog eyes expression. This was my standard answer. If my mom asked me
where I had been or my teacher asked me why I was late for class etc...
that's my trademark and patented reply. It always worked with the adults as
I am pretty good looking with my silky black hair and cute as hell. I
turned my head to look forward again.

His hand stopped rubbing my shoulder. He just left it there. I knew what
was coming. He's going go in front of me to look into my eyes and say with
a mock romantic tone that he did miss me and that he loved me. This
scenario had been repeated hundreds of times during our friendship. It
killed me again and again everytime it happened. You know the sort of pain
in the heart that is so exquisitely heavenly and beautiful. I know he never
meant it.

The reply did not come. I actually wanted him to say it. It was stupid but
its better than nothing. The heartache that followed is bearable since I'm
used to it. I wanted him to look me in the eyes and say his usual reply.

'I can't do this anymore,' he said, still sitting next to me. His right
hand never left my right shoulder. I was intrigued. Sometimes, he does come
up with an ingenius reply. I decided to play along. My eyes were still
fixed to the distance.

'Yeah, we should stop meeting like this. People will know of our secret
love.' My heart rate increased as I said the words. Its my secret love.

There was a pause. I was worried. A long pause.

I looked to my left at Jake, his right hand still on my right shoulder. He
was gripping me hard on that shoulder. I saw the lone tear rolling down his
right cheek. I did not understand. I did not want to understand. I refused
to see the possibilities. I will not succumb. I will not... I can't. He
laid his head on my left shoulder. The twig broke in my left hand.. Still I
kept my mouth shut.

'Its too hard... too painful.', Jake whispered. 'I can't do it anymore.'

I could not stop myself. I turned my body to face him and then held his
head with my hands on his smooth cheeks. He's beautiful. I wanted him.

'What's wrong Jake?'. I realized that I was a total jerk. My Jake was
having some kind of personal problem and here I was thinking that he might
have some feelings for me.

He slowly wrapped his arm around my neck and started to cry quietly. His
head was pressed on my left shoulder with his cheek resting on my neck. My
arms found their way around his body, rubbing his back gently trying to
comfort him. Its funny, we've never been this close before. The closest
body contact we've had was just a quick hug during special occasions.

We stayed holding each other for quite a while. Everytime I tried to let
go, he just held me closer. I did not want it to end. At last I heard a
sigh and he finally broke our embrace.

We were now sitting crosslegged, close together facing each other. I put my
left hand on his right knee and asked him,' Wanna tell me?'. We were
looking at each other in the eyes. He looked downwards. He looked at me
again.

'Eric... there is this pain in my heart.. and I can't get rid of it. I
tried but it too hard. Too painful. It goes through my heart...' A pause. I
held my breath. '...everytime I'm with you... everytime I see you...
everytime I touch you..'. His tears started again.

Our eyes never left each other.

I started to speak but he cut me off with a stern look. I stiffened,
thinking that he's going to call off the bluff. But he did not.

'I don't care anymore.. you always cut me off with your funny replies. I
had to play along for so long... but not anymore.. You never got it did
you. I told you I loved you and how I missed you so many times. And I meant
it everytime. You just twisted it into a joke and made sure everything's
back to normal again.", he continued.

'Fuck normal! I can't stand this pain anymore,' he said as his right hand
pressed on the area just below his left breast. His tears were flowing
freely now. His left hand held my right hand tight. I could not breathe for
a moment. My eyes never left his. My thoughts were flying in all
directions. All the what ifs came out from my nimlbe brain. What if he is
doing his best leg pull ever on me? What if he's got a heart disease? What
if this is just a dream? What if this park is turned into a housing estate?
What if I hurt him? What if he's got a secret video cam taping all this for
$10,000 on AFV? What if he's telling the truth? What if both of us profess
our love for each other and he decided later to leave me? I can't do
this. I tried to think of a way out for him as well as for me.

'No pain no gain..." I said lamely.

' Stop it Eric! Don't do this to me. I don't care anymore.. Whatever you do
it will still hurt me. At least tell me you understand my feelings for
you. I love you and I want you to know this. No more lies.', he said with
steel in his voice.

I was angry. What did he want me to do? Just let go and tell him that I
understand and reciprocate his love. I loved him but I was also angry at
him for putting myself in a vulnerable position. If I told him the truth
and found out he lied I would die. If I lied and he was sincere then he
would be devastated.

'What the fuck do you want me to do?" I nearly shouted. Tears were still
flowing from my eyes as I looked at him. 'How am I supposed to reply to
that?'.'Why now? Why the hell are you telling me now?'. He just looked at
me dumbfounded. There's no stopping me now. I also didn't care anymore.

'Why can't you just let thing be? Why can't we be just best friends? Why do
you want to make things so complicated?...' I paused and whispered, 'Why
can't you just let me love you from afar? Why....'. I realised that I had
said it. Finally.

'Shit! Shit! Shit!', I said through clenched teeth as I put my hands to my
face and covered it. Warm tears soaked my hands. 'Please don't tell me this
is just a joke.', I said pleadingly. 'Please...'.

I felt his hands on my waist and he pulled me up to stand and face him. He
took my hands away from my face and our eyes met. We were still crying. He
brought his lips close to mine and kissed me. It was electric. It was our
first time. It was my first time. He started to kiss the tears from my wet
cheeks. I was terrified and stunned at the same time. And then he embraced
me tightly nuzzling and kissing my neck. His hands rubbed my back and my
neck gently. Our chest and groin were pressed hard together. We were hard
and hungry for each other. I found my hands roaming on his neck, his hair,
his back and his thighs. I kissed his cheeks, his lips, his ears, his
neck. I wanted to kiss my fears away. It was still there lurking at the
back of my mind. I wanted this to be true.

After a while, we just held each other with our heads resting on each other
shoulders. Finally, he pulled us apart and held my face on the cheeks.

'Please believe me Eric.. this is no joke. I really love you. I loved you
since we first met. Remember the day we moved in next door to you. You came
over to help and I dropped the expensive vase in front of you. I dropped it
when I saw you. You took my breath away. You were beautiful then.. and
now.' Jake smiled as he said this.

Yes. I remembered. I remembered the day I found out that heaven sent me an
angel with blond hair and cute smiles and cute everything. Even cuter when
his mom pulled his ear in anger with Jake crying out in pain and still
managing to slip me a mischievious wink. I love him.

'I love you too Jake. I fell in love with you the moment I set my eyes on
you that day. And yes I remembered the vase and the red ears.', I said this
grinning at him.

Come on... lets sit down', I said and took his right hand withn my left and
brought him to sit on my left. We automatically got our fingers intertwined
like an old couple.

'We have so much to talk about.', I said to him. He nodded and so we sat
there for hour and hours just talking and expressing our love for each
other.