Date: Mon, 20 Oct 2003 05:27:36 -0700 (PDT)
From: Ray Morales <fyiord@yahoo.com>
Subject: Heartache 12

This story continues where Heartache 11 left off in the story 'Heartache'
in /High School/.

The long delay was due to me, me and me. Sorry. Thanks to all who emailed
continuously. I am so inspired by the support via your emails. Thanks. I
still can't believe it; we are now at Chapter 12. I know I could never have
made it this far without your continuing support and comments.

There are some stuff in Ch 12 that may offend you guys but the story writes
itself. The characters have their own say and I won't stop them. If you
want to comment on these controversial stuff just drop me an email at
fyiord@yahoo.com.

Note:

This story is fiction and is by no means depictive of the life of any
person, place or thing. It contains no penetrative sexual acts between
males YET and should only be read if it is legal to do so in your area.

Read at your own risk. All names are made up and any similarities are just
dumb luck.

Heartache 12
By Fjord

	So much for poetry. That was what I said to myself when I woke. I
had faded away to a dreamless and deep sleep and later opened my eyes to a
dimly lit room. Definitely not the afterlife. The room was small and its
walls were painted all in light blue with no windows except for a small
square one on the closed door. Even the door was painted light blue. There
was a round-shaped wall clock mounted on the wall in front of me. Framed
reproduction of Van Gogh's paintings decorated the plain light blue
walls. I guessed I was in a hospital room or something like that. At the
moment I was feeling quite good. My head wasn't feeling so heavy any
more. And sleeping quietly in a chair pulled up close to the bed was Jake
with both his hands clasped on his lap. He was still wearing the same
clothes. With eyes closed his long curly eyelashes stood out in contrast
with his face. He was so damn pretty. But so many other thoughts appeared
in my head the moment I saw his pretty blond head.
	Guilt. I remembered that I had wanted to die when I slipped into
unconsciousness earlier. It would have been a cowardly way but I knew that
if I did die then I wouldn't have to face coming out to my parents, friends
or anyone at all. I felt so incredibly selfish to just leave him like that
but it would have been for the best. However, I lived. Death was just
wishful thinking in the end.
	Sadness. Looking at Jake sleeping, I remembered that I had hurt him
and hadn't really worked things out with him yet. Sure, we did make up, but
for our relationship to last that wasn't nearly enough. And I wanted us to
last. That would be our only salvation, I hoped.
	Anger. Anger at myself for being so stupid. I should've just gone
to bed and slept and none of the subsequent events would have
happened. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
	I felt scared. I hoped Jake didn't open his big mouth and reveal
our more-than-friends relationship during all the shouting and panic I
caused while I was doing my death scene. Gosh, if he did, we would have to
face the music a bit earlier that I would have liked. I was sure my parents
would be okay with it but I wasn't ready yet. And there was a small chance
they would blame Jake for making me choose the alternative lifestyle. I
meant, it was one thing to accept another family's gay son but to accept
your own son as being one was another thing altogether.
	Anger again. Shit, I really should've gone to bed after my Mom
dropped me off, instead of going to Jake's house just to ram my already
bruised head onto their beautifully tiled kitchen floor. Maybe it was some
sort of punishment for thinking of a screwing session with Jake in the
kitchen, my screwed-up mind offered as explanation.
	Scared again. I saw Mrs. A looking at us at the backseat of their
car. Shit, she would have known just looking at my head on Jake's lap. Why
were his fingers brushing my hair so softly in front of her? So many
mistakes. Shitty, shitty, shit, shit.
	I felt anger towards Jake. Stupid Jake. He might as well have
unzipped his fly and taken out his penis and placed it on my cheek. I might
as well be sucking his dick on MTV or something. Fuck, I realized shouldn't
panic for crying out loud but my brain was going one million miles an
hour. I gotta calm down, I said to myself.
	I gave up thinking in the end. We were fucked anyway since we came
out to each other last Friday night. Fucked. Fucked. Fucked. Why, oh why
did Jake open his big mouth? Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
	"Eric?" Startled from my soundless swearing, I turned my head
towards Jake's voice. His wide eyes searched mine for whatever he was
searching for. I blinked.
	In that blink of my eyes, Jake had reached out to me and embraced
me. I tried to hug him back but I had been tucked in bed too well. I just
turned my head and kissed his blond head.
	"Jake," I said in a hoarse voice, "How long was I out?" Jake got
off me and touched my face. He ran his right hand over my face and ended up
with his thumb caressing my dry lips. Then he got closer and kissed me,
gently. With his the tip of his tongue he licked my lips until they were no
longer dry. It was ecstasy. I closed my eyes with a sigh. When he stopped
kissing me I opened my eyes again.
	"About five hours." Jake replied belatedly. I looked at the wall
clock and saw it was about 6.20 pm.
	"Could you switch on the lights please?" I asked. Jake got up and
flicked on the light switch near the door. It took me a few seconds to
adjust to the blinding brightness.
	"Where are my parents and your Mom?" I asked Jake as he pulled the
chair real close to the bed and sat.
	"They went home. I told them I wanted to stay." He paused. "We all
thought you were dying or going into a coma or something. Dr. Remus told us
you were just responding to some medication that he jabbed you with earlier
to help your head recover. I'm sure you heard your Mom scream for you?"
	"Yeah... You did too... I heard you."
	"Ehemmm... anyway it was like the end for you, man. We were all
screaming."
	"No... if I remember right only you and Mom did..."
	"Fuck you..." Jake said, embarrassed. I always knew how to play
with his mind. "I really thought you were gonna die. You would've done the
same thing if you were in my place."
	"Maybe..." I replied. "Okay... okay... I would do the same..." I
added real fast as Jake threatened to tickle me. Thankfully, he backed
down.
	"By the way, your parents gave the okay for your head to be scanned
while you were out." Jake said and smiled at me. "Both of them will be here
about seven to check on you."
	I smiled back weakly. "So, I'm gonna be okay. I'm not gonna die,
right?"
	"No, you're not gonna die and you better not. Dr. Remus explained
that you had a double concussion or something like that. However, he said
that the scan done while you were out showed good results and you would
probably wake up tonight once the drugs wear off. Your parents left after
that. They were relieved I tell ya. Anyway, seems you confirmed the
diagnosis although some people would prefer to die..." I looked at Jake,
confused.
	"Jake, what did you say?" I asked.
	Jake didn't reply. He just looked away from my inquiring eyes.
	"What's wrong now?" I asked again.
	Jake looked back at me with a flash of anger in his bright blue
eyes.
	"What?" I asked, loudly.
	He got up slowly from the chair and stepped back away from me. The
grating sound of the chair sliding backwards shattered the relative quiet
inside the room. What now?, I thought.
	"You wanted to die, didn't you?" Jake said calmly with his eyes
boring into my brown eyes. I couldn't look away and I knew he wasn't asking
for a confirmation. He wanted to find out why. How Jake knew about it, I
didn't know. And I also didn't know how to reply to that statement because
how do you say to someone that you wanted to die because you loved him. I
couldn't put it into any sentence. In fact, one of the reasons I wanted to
die may be just so that I didn't have to wake up and explain to Jake why I
wanted to die in the first place. Go figure, I thought. I had to stop
thinking and just say the first thing in my mind at that moment.
	"How did you know?"
	"I saw you..."
	I kept quiet but he stopped talking and waited for my explanation.
	"I'm really sorry Jake. A part of me wanted to just leave this
shitty world and..."
	"You wanted to leave me..." Jake cut me off in a resigned tone with
his eyes still bearing down on mine.
	"No! I didn't want to leave you. I really didn't think I was going
to die." I replied quickly. Fuck! He got it all wrong. I struggled to sit
up and tried to get out of the bed, which only caused my head to spin. I
guessed I was a bit too optimistic about my recovery. I only managed to
push the covers away and released the upper part of my body before I
started to slip off the bed headfirst. Jake saw this and in a second caught
me as I tried to make a dent on the floor with my head.
	"Shit!" Jake swore as he pushed me back into the bed. "Are you
trying to finish the job this time?" He looked into my eyes as he
rearranged my I-just-woke-up hairstyle with his fingers. He definitely
loved me.
	I lay back on the bed and my freed hands grabbed his hands. It felt
warm to the touch. Instantly, I placed his palms on my chest. "I'm
sorry... Please don't be mad at me. I love you but my head is still in a
mess. You know my beliefs. You know that I am against suicide. So I wasn't
trying to kill myself."
	"But you just gave up. I saw you gave up. You wanted to die,
Eric. I saw you."
	"I don't know why, Jake. It was just me wanting to give in to what
fate had in mind for me. Or what I thought fate had in mind for me. I'm
sorry, okay."
	"Don't ever do that to me again... If you had really died then, you
would've driven me off the edge. I just don't get it. Why, Eric? Why? I'm
not a good enough reason for you to fight for your life? You just let
go... just like that. If you had died I wouldn't even be able to say
goodbye." I was taking in all the stuff he said to me when he pulled his
hands away. He wasn't going to make this easy.
	"What do you mean by me driving you off the edge?" I asked knowing
full well what he meant. I wanted to hold his hands.
	"I mean not being able to live without you, you shithead. I told
you that already, remember." Jake said with such force that I felt like
sinking further into the bed. "I'm not going to make you happy by saying
after you die I'll recover and become normal as you wanted. That's what you
wanted isn't it? Me to be married to some girl with you out of the
picture. I know you, Eric. You and your religious shit. Well, fuck
you. I'll probably go to Hawaii just to spite you." I hated the word Hawaii
ever since his earlier confession. Jake was frowning at me. Even while
frowning he looked good to kiss.
	I was unable to say much. Jake was right. Me and my religious
beliefs (or shit as he put it) was one of the reasons I wanted to die. He
saw right through me. I gave my heart to Jake and there was no way I was
ever going to want it back. That was me giving myself away. I was raised in
teachings that values commitment till the end. But deep inside me, I
believed that if we got together for real, I would go to hell when I die. I
guessed that if I had died before we had a serious sexual relationship, I
would have some good points to bring before the Almighty to avoid hellfire
and Jake would be so brokenhearted and somehow decide not to pursue this
alternative lifestyle without me and get married to some pretty girl. My
crazy reasoning brought me to that hopeful conclusion.
	"I thought it was for the best..." I said in a small voice.
	"How can you say that? You love me, Eric. I can feel it inside
me. It's so real when we're together, when we hold each other. I can't
describe the feeling in any way but I know it's real. It's just so damn
real, man. Why would you think this is wrong? Can't you feel my love for
you inside your heart? Fuck! I know you do, Eric. When you look at me as I
held you in my arms I can see it in your eyes. You felt it too, damn
it. We're both so lucky to find this special love, Eric. You and I, we have
this love for each other that most people never find. We really love each
other, man. How could you just want to leave me? I wouldn't have been able
to go on..." I was crying softly as Jake spoke to me. He was crying too.
	"I can't help how I feel, Jake. I love you but I also have this
love for God and if we continue on this path both of us will end up in
hell. I believe that." I said to him.
	"Eric, if you really feel that way, talk to me. There must be a way
for us. I can compromise. We won't have to do much. Let's just be with each
other. I don't fucking care if we never have sex. I just want to be able to
kiss you and hold you as much as I can. We don't live too long in this
world, Eric. I want to take my chances with you."
	"I'm pretty sure you don't know what you're saying Jake. Sure we
can say now that but when we're in bed together, I'll probably be the one
asking you for sex. Even now, with you so near my dick is already hard." I
said to him with a weak smile.
	Jake blushed. He fucking blushed at my hard penis
description. "Yeah, whatever. But we still have to get together man. We
just gotta. I can't think of any other alternative."
	"I did think a lot about it Jake. My hopeful conclusion is that if
we ever gonna get a chance to get to heaven in the afterlife, is if we're
faithful to each other until we die. Or one of us die a natural death like
what I thought I was doing, before anything more serious sexual stuff
happens." Jake looked at me with so much love in his eyes that I was
feeling overwhelmed. I didn't deserve this much love. I could get by with
very little, I thought to myself. He reached out to me and wiped the tears
on my cheeks with his right hand. After that he used his left shirtsleeve
to wipe away his own tears.
	"Eric, you are one sick religious boy. But I don't care. I love
you, man. God or no God, I will never let you go. I just can't coz I know
you love me too."
	"God will always be in my life. I need God in my life but I need
you too. Anyway, I guess my go-with-fate plan didn't work. God still wants
me to go through this life with this... this love or whatever in me..."
	"It's not whatever, shithead. It's us. Don't put it so cheaply..."
Jake was getting mad at me again. Me and my big mouth.
	"Sorry. It's just so fucking tiring to think all this stuff
through. You know I think too much. I just can't help it." I
paused. "Listen Jake, I love you and you know I will die for you. I
guess... I mean, I know that was one of the stupid reasons I just let go. I
wanted to die for you."
	"That's what I thought too. You and your self-sacrifices. Shit,
that's why I fucking love you so much Eric." After he said this, Jake
covered his face with his hands for a second and then with one smooth
motion moved his hands upwards for his beautiful long fingers to rake his
long blond hair backwards. I just loved it when he does that. He looked so
damn sexy.
	"You really turn me on when you do that." I said with a smile.
	Josh blushed again. This time his ears were getting red too.
	"I dig it when you blush. You look so sweet that I wonder if your
dick is blushing right now."
	"Gosh, Eric, why do you make me think about that man? Shit!"
	"I'm just describing what your dick is doing, man. You are one
horny puppy."
	"We have to be serious about this, Eric." Jake tried to get me back
on the issues at hand. I just wanted to have fun.
	"Jake, you know I love you, right. And I know you do love me even
though I'm this religious gay boy who's so screwed up that he wanted to die
from a medication that was meant to make him sleep better..." I couldn't
continue as I started to giggle. Jake was giggling too. I guess after all
the tension, laughter is the best medicine. Afterwards, we just looked at
each other again with smiles on our faces, in silence. At the moment, we
understood enough where each of us were coming from to know that no matter
what had transpired earlier, we could work it out.
	"Enema before anal sex is good for you..." I interrupted our
silence with the first thought that popped up in my mind. It just appeared
from nowhere. Both of us played this game often but this time we were going
where we have never been before, meaning alternative sex. I just waited for
Jake to respond.
	"Yes, enema is advisable especially before rimming..." Jake quickly
countered. He kept his eyes on me with a strange smile on his face.
	"Eeeww! Gross, man, Real gross..." I regretted coming up with the
subject.
	"But not for the lickee..." He was staring at me.
	"You should know. Must've done it with Trey..."
	Jake looked slightly shocked. I bit my tongue too late. It had
slipped out and I waited for Jake to react with my eyes wide open. "I did
do it with Trey." Jake didn't blink yet.
	"Shit!" I didn't want to hear it. Game over please.
	"It was good."
	"Stop it!"I really didn't want to hear this.
	"It was fucking-A good."
	"Okay, okay, enough already." My face was getting hot.
	"He did it to me first and I did it to him after that."
	"I said, enough already." Now my ears were getting hot.
	"He said I learned fast."
	"Ni ni nu nu na no na no..." I muttered nonsense as I closed my
ears with my hands. I was reduced to acting like a sixth grader by Jake the
horror storyteller. That was when the room door opened and in walked
Dr. Remus. I shut my trap just in time.
	"Hah... the boy has awakened." Dr. Remus said cheerfully when he
saw me up in bed.
	"Thanks for your help, Doc." I thanked him for saving me from
Jake's yucky description of whatever.
	"You caused quite a commotion, did you know...?" Dr. Remus said as
he looked at me and then at Jake. Jake was looking quite nervous under the
doctor's stare.
	"I was told... I hope things weren't too messed up because of me."
I replied apologetically.
	"No... no... nothing of the sort but Pauline got the shock of her
life on her first day at work. But she'll be fine. Anyway, I got to do some
check up on you. If you don't mind Jake, please wait outside." Jake
reluctantly went out of the room. He was watching me through the door
see-through window though.
	Dr. Remus went through his checklist of tests on me and in the end
gave me a big smile. "You're gonna be fine, Eric. Just stop knocking your
head on hard floors and walls from now on. If you can help it, of course."
	I grinned through gritted teeth. Fuck, I would get this ribbing
from Dr. Remus from now on. I just gotta grin and bear it. I wanted to use
the motto 'Take it like a man' but with Jake and me that would mean a whole
lotta different scene. My only dignified response was, "Thanks, Doc.",
while imagining him as Elmor Fudd.
	"Okay, I'll give your parents a call, if they're not already here,
to pick you up. You're gonna be fine. In fact you can go to school tomorrow
but make sure you take lots of rests during classes. I would advise you to
go to school the day after tomorrow. But it's all up to your parents. Now,
I have to go otherwise your friend will go into another fit." Dr. Remus
said and winked at me conspiratorially. He obviously saw Jake and Mom
reacting to my 'death' scene and found it to be hilarious.
	Jake came in without the smile he had while punishing me with his
yucky description of rimming. I did get kinda hard listening to his lurid
description but it was still yucky and I hated Hawaii. I hadn't even been
to Hawaii.
	"What's wrong Jake? What have I done now?" I said with a knowing
grin.
	Jake sat on the chair again facing me and placed his hands on the
bed.
	"I have to tell you something before your parents get here."
	"What?" Jake was making me confused again. Things were really
getting back to normal before Dr. Remus came in.
	"I don't know how to say it..."
	"Just say it..." I said and placed my left hand on his right. He
reacted by placing his left hand on mine to make a sandwich. Gosh, I was
feeling hungry.
	"Please don't be mad at me after I say what I have to say..."
	"I promise..."
	"Promise...?"
	"I just did..." I was getting irritated by this time.
	"Okay... sorry..."
	"Come on, say it... They're gonna be coming any time now..."
	Jake glanced at the door and then looked back at me. He was real
nervous, I could see.
	"Okay..." He said and I waited for him to continue but nothing came
out of his pretty mouth.
	"Enough with the suspense, man. It can't be that bad..." I said in
exasperation.
	Jake looked at me nervously and said clearly, "They know."

TBC

I hope you like this one. Again, sorry for the long delay especially for
those who emailed me for the follow-up. Tell me what you think or whatever
else you want to say by email to fyiord@yahoo.com. I don't bite.