Date: Sun, 09 Oct 2005 11:32:08 -0400 From: S N Subject: Heavens_Just_A_Sin_Away, Chapter 20 Disclaimer: This is a FICTIONAL story describing the love triangle of a teenage boy. If you are not over 18 years of age, or if you find this type of story offensive, or viewing this material is illegal where you are, then refrain from reading it. The story consists of lust, passion, teenage romance, interracial, love and all the rest of the good stuff in that order... Prepare for sin Chapter 20: Uh Be Quiet. /~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~////~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~////~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~////~~~~~ Life was something interesting. When I finally found out what I wanted, it was taken. "You two are going together now?" I asked as though not hearing it right the first time. "Yeah." I stared at Byron. He was comfortably in Sampson's bed. I refused to believe it for a moment. I didn't know what to do or say. I wondered how I was supposed to react. It had never happened to me before. I wondered if I should cry or be relieved that I didn't have to confess myself to Sampson. "Oh," I said and smiled. I didn't know what else to do but smile. This was new to me. I felt sad, but I didn't know if it was right for me to be showing sorrow. I was confused. Sampson was touching his lips, where I'd kissed him. He was giving me a curious look. It was an awkward stare. I felt like an asshole for even doing it. How could I have been so forward? "So what's up Syn?" Byron asked. "Um," I said, turning to leave, "Sorry to interrupt. I just wanted to check up on Sampson. I wanted to make sure you were cool." I looked at Sampson. He was definitely cool. He was more then cool. He was real silent, though. He just looked at me, as though trying to figure something out. I stopped the eye contact with him. It was uncomfortable because it was so clear that he was thinking really hard about what my true intentions were. "How nice," Byron praised me, "You really getting nice. First you bring him flowers and now you are visiting him. Let me find out Syn's getting soft." He laughed and I laughed too. I wasn't laughing about what he said, I was just laughing at how corny he was. He probably believed that he was funny too. Fucking idiot. If he weren't my friend, I would have probably cursed him out. Sampson was always a bad judge of character. Byron just added to that pattern if you ask me. Sampson looked more serious then Byron looked when he said, "Syn, can I talk to you?" No he couldn't talk to me. I didn't know what to say. I had missed all the WB romance shows since I was like twelve years old. I didn't know how to react anymore. What would I say? I didn't want you when you were by yourself, but now that you are with Byron, you've become the only thing I can think about. "Ah I have to really get going," I excused and turned away, "I sort of left Yolanda in school and you know she went crazy." "Oh," Sampson said, "I'll call you later on, ok?" I shrugged and turned around to leave. Byron was such a waste of time for Sampson. Byron didn't know what he wanted. Then again, I didn't really know what I wanted so it would be hypocritical for me to have said anything. I didn't really say goodbye as I left. It wasn't that I was bitter or maybe it was. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~///~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~///~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~///~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "You didn't take Yolanda to her last four periods," T-Boy stated as he walked in. "Yolanda you mad?" I asked, Yolanda just stared at me like a ghost and then signaled a no, "See there you go." I had gone back home and T-Boy was there. Byron still hadn't gotten back from Sampson's house and my mind was really on him and Sampson. I was a little jealous and I had to admit it. I had finally realized that Sampson was whom I wanted. Sampson and I were complete opposite, but that was what turned me on to him so much. "Syn, you been acting weird since we broke up," T-Boy said. "You're imagining it." He had gotten up from his stool and walked over to me. He wrapped his arms around my back. His hands were strong. He hugged me from the back and rested his chin on my shoulder. "Maybe if we get back together " It felt so good. I missed him touching me like that. For a moment, I felt like if I couldn't have Sampson, then T-Boy was really the next best thing. He was always near me. Everyone already knew we had history together. He cared about me. He wanted me. He was sexy. I had closed my eyes, starting to enjoy him slowly licking on the back of my neck. When I opened my eyes I saw Yolanda watching, with her ghastly stare. I pulled away from him, "T-Boy, what are you doing?" "C'mon, Yolanda doesn't mind," T-Boy said, "Right Yolanda?" Yolanda shook her head and continued to stare as though studying us. She had become such a freaky ass chick. Her presence was eerie. Still, I almost wanted to thank her because I was really starting to fall to T-Boy's charm. "Its not her," I lied and said, "I need some time alone." "No you don't," he explained, "You need some time with me." He advanced slowly. He lifted one of my arms over my head and used it to back me up into the refrigerator. He pinned me there for a moment and leaned in to give me a kiss. I shoved him off, so hard that he fell backwards, "I said I need fucking time alone, didn't I?" He laughed, "I love it when you get like that. Hey come back!" I walked out of the room. I wasn't leaving him just to leave. The phone was actually ringing in the next room and I went to answer it. I walked into the living room to actually see Big Rob and a few of T-Boy's other friends. I didn't even know he invited them. The house had become like a local hangout for all of these losers. It was enough that I'd seen them in school. Even at home, I was outvoted. Yolanda didn't say anything, T-Boy had invited them and Byron liked to watch high school boys all the time. They were officially always welcome in the house. "Syn, your phone's ringing," Big Rob said. "I didn't know that," I sarcastically said, still a little annoyed with him for bugging Lamont earlier. I went up to the phone hoping that Big Rob and his cronies would leave soon so I could have a piece of mind. I really disliked these popular kids. They were annoying and they seemed to like to annoy me the most. No one was on the other line. I hung up the phone and as soon as I did, it rang again. "Syn, your phone's ringing," Big Rob had announced one again. He was so fucking annoying. I looked at him and T-Boy lazily watching T.V and replied, "Its your mother, she wants some more dick." T-Boy started to laugh and Big Rob just looked aggravated. Big Rob was one of those ugly guys that just got super ugly when he was embarrassed. He folded his arms and changed the channel to a loud ass music station. I picked up the phone again, despite the loud music. It was Ms. Nicole. Her annoying high-pitched voice was similar to nails on a chalkboard. I could imagine her cheesy grin even through the phone. I hated the small talk. Ms. Nicole seemed to love it though. I knew she would be on the phone forever if I didn't tell her to get to the point. It probably sounded rude, but that was exactly how I was trying to sound. Shit, it had slipped my mind. Discovering Sampson and Byron's relationship had made me forget all about taking Sampson to reunite with his real mother. I hung up the phone. I really hated the small talk. I was wondering exactly how I was going to get Sampson to come to the mountains with me. Now that he had a boyfriend, it was definitely going to be harder. I mean, how would it look if Sampson and I just went off to the mountains together? Byron knew Sampson used to have a crush on me. Byron was a fool for love, but he wasn't stupid. Then again Byron had a crush on me at a time too. I just noticed that two people who had crushes on me were now dating. How stupidly ironic was that? /////~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~//////~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~/////~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~///////~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Byron and Sampson both came over later on that day. T-Boy and his friends found out they went together and they found it weird as I did. Everyone knew Sampson had a thing for me, but no one really considered him gay since he had relationships with two girls. Before I knew it, Erica and her friend Monica came over as well. I remembered Monica very well. She was Sampson's friend. I had a feeling she had a crush on Sampson because when she heard the news that Sampson and Byron were going together, she sort of squirmed. Just like I did. "Yolanda. How are you coming along?" Erica asked, as her and Monica entered the house. Yolanda shrugged, nonchalantly. "She's still crazy," T-Boy said, almost excusing Yolanda's behavior. Erica and Monica nodded as though understanding. They gave her a look of pity. I myself felt bad for Yolanda. It was hard to see that a girl who once used to be vibrant and energetic turn into some kind of vegetable. Yolanda was like a ghost in the shell. Her presence was forgotten over and over. She was just there, but not to the point that anyone cared for her over a certain period of time. It was kind of like having a dog. You know there's a dog. You feed the dog, walk the dog and love the dog, but in the end all it did was eat, play and shit. "She just needs some hard dick if you ask me," Big Rob said, grabbing his crotch area and signaling to Yolanda. Yolanda grimaced a little. It was funny because she had made barely any expression the entire day and all of a sudden it was clear that she felt disgusted. "Don't hurt yourself," Erica told Big Rob, "She's been in this house with all these sexy ass guys this entire time. Why would she want you?" Big Rob rolled his eyes at Erica's remark. Erica was looking at me as she said 'sexy'. I smiled. The cute schoolgirl crush was definitely present and it wasn't hard to tell either. She was trying to be discreet, but she was still coming on just a little too hard. It was amusing. "Yeah, a lot of sexy guys in this house," Monica added, looking over at Sampson and Byron, "Seems like they all want one another too " I knew it was a gay joke. "Don't hate," Erica said, smiling, "You two make a good looking couple." Byron and Sampson looked at one another. They sort of blushed. They did look like a good couple. I couldn't lie about it. They were sitting close to each other. They complimented one another, because they were both handsome. Byron had a loud handsomeness and Sampson had a more subtle handsomeness. Byron was taller and older then Sampson, but Sampson definitely seemed like the more masculine of the two. Byron was dressed in a button up shirt and even though it looked nice, it still looked too Abercrombie. I didn't understand why he wore the fashion-week collection just to hang around the house all the time. Sampson had a more laid back, subtle style. It was more attractive to me at least. "T-Boy and Syn were a better couple," Big Rob pointed out, off-topic, "I didn't even like gay people until I found out they were together." A few people laughed. I saw Byron and Sampson give a charitable laugh, probably just so it wouldn't look like Big Rob offended them. T-Boy was cheesing with a wide smile. He gave me a look as though making sure that I heard how other people thought we were a good couple. "Why are you guys laughing? Does anyone think its kind of weird that he just said that?" I asked. Everyone got silent and looked at me as though thinking about my question. It just didn't make sense to me that Big Rob would awkwardly twist a compliment and put it back on T-Boy and I. I wasn't in a judging competition on whose relationship was better. Plus, it was just plain rude for him to say that in front of Sampson and Byron. Then he said that he didn't like gay people until T-Boy and I were in a relationship? Wow. How boorish and caveman-like could Big Rob get? "Hey Syn," one of T-Boy's friends said, "Someone is at the door for you." "Big Rob, don't die now that I'm leaving for a quick second, ok?" He looked at me as though wondering what that meant. I had meant that he was one of the people that seemed to live through my relationship with T-Boy. In school, he'd been acting like his parents had divorced or something when T-Boy and I separated. He had gotten people to walk up to me and ask why I wasn't with T-Boy. I went to the front door, leaving the voices to trail away. They were definitely being loud though. There were loud voices and laughter. I guessed they were having fun. As I went to the door, I saw Lamont. Lamont was standing on the second stair to the house. He had his hands tucked in his pants and he had a hood covering his head. He looked kind of 8-mile-ish, which wasn't that bad. "Hey," he said. "Lamont, what's up?" I asked and questioned him, "How'd you know where I live?" The whole stalking situation with Byron had put me on edge completely. Byron had definitely changed since then, which he credits Dr. Lopez for, but the whole stalker feeling still lingered within me. "I um live across the street," he said and pointed at an ugly green house. "Oh," I said, "I didn't know! You never came over." "I was kind of gathering the strength to say hi," Lamont said, "I'm a small town guy. I don't really know how to socialize that well I guess you noticed that though." Yeah I did. He was nervous even now. He still hadn't gotten used to talking to me, which was weird. As he talked, he kept leaving pauses between what he was saying as though he'd lost track of thought. "You're alright. So you want to come in?" He shook his head, "Um it looks like you have company." I smiled, "This house is in my name. You are with me. Come on. I'll protect you I promise." "I don't know," he said suddenly. "Come on." I grabbed him by his hand and pulled him in. He was so nervous that it was actually weird. I took him by the hand and walked him in the living room. His hand was sweating again. What the fuck was this cat so scared of? I couldn't imagine being the shy type so often, but then I wasn't new in town. I wasn't Lamont. As I took him the room, it seemed like they didn't see us at first. They had continued to keep talking. Lamont was staring at the wall or some shit. He was trying to walk out of the room and I could tell by how he was pulling his hand away from mine. "Everyone knows Sampson must have the biggest dick in the room," Byron said and laughed. "No way!" Big Rob retorted, "I have the biggest." I didn't even want to fucking know how the argument had started. I had imagined Byron would fit right in with the people in school. He seemed like he was used to being around popular people. He seemed like in high school, he was kind of popular himself. Him and Big Rob were joking like a couple of girls. Erica got up as though wanting attention, "Syn! I bet Syn has the biggest. Who do 'you' think has the biggest, Syn?" They all looked at me as though my answer would end the whole overdrawn testosterone driven battle. It was weird enough that Byron was battling Big Rob over Sampson's dick size, but now I had to say my opinion. I damn sure didn't want her to think I had the biggest, "Sampson does." It was weird how I said it because a couple people started to laugh at how sure I was of it. I was certain. I had seen Sampson's dick. It was definitely huge. I wasn't sure about Big Rob, but I had heard rumors that it wasn't too impressive. I forgot who said it, but I was almost sure it was actually Erica. "Um how do you know?" Byron asked. "Well we used to live together," Sampson stated, as though standing up for me. "Hey!" I suddenly called their attention, "Can we stop talking about dicks. I want everyone to meet my friend over here. His name is Lamont." A lot of people finally noticed him. Byron and Sampson both seemed to be friendly by giving Lamont a slight wave, but that was about it. Big Rob crossed his arms as soon as he noticed Lamont. T-Boy and the others all started to laugh as someone said something that was too low for me to hear. It was probably something rude. Sampson probably noticed the tension and thankfully he was above it. "Oh, I talked to you before," Sampson said, getting up to shake Lamont's hand. "Yeah at lunch," Lamont replied and smiled. "Nice to meet you, again." I wanted to kiss Sampson for being so nice to Lamont. I just felt this overwhelming pity for Lamont. He didn't really have any friends. He was a cool person, but no one seemed to even pay attention to him at all. The only time they knew he existed was when they were provoking him. "T-Boy," I said as Sampson sat down, "Lamont lives across the street." T-Boy shrugged, "I could care less." "Syn," Lamont interposed, probably feeling rejected, "Maybe I should go." "No," I retorted holding at him and then turned to T-Boy pleading, "T-Boy, don't act like that." T-Boy looked at me for a moment and then looked at Lamont. I knew he didn't like Lamont, but still I knew T-Boy wasn't really that bad of a person. He could be an intimidator, but just because he was self-conscious himself. "Ok," T-Boy said suddenly, "Lamont, why don't you sit down and chill." "Why?" Big Rob suddenly broke it. "Rob, be quiet," T-Boy said, "Lamont, I insist you have a seat." I encouragingly smiled at Lamont as he nervously went and took a seat next to Monica and Erica. I myself went and sat next to T-Boy. He definitely had gotten on my good side. I snuck him a kiss on the cheek when no one was looking to sort of thank him for being understanding of Lamont. He reddened. "So Lamont," Sampson said, "You enjoying your time in Brunswick?" Lamont shrugged. He didn't even look Sampson back in the eyes. I bit my lip. I definitely wanted to help Lamont out but I didn't know how. He was kind of breaking down in front of everyone. "He got the same thing Yolanda got?" Erica asked T-Boy as though Lamont wasn't in the room. "Hell if I know," T-Boy answered. "He probably does!" Big Rob cracked causing some awkward laughter. "No, dumbass, he's just shy," I told them. I gave Lamont a look. If I could just possess his body, I would get up and curse everybody out for being nasty to him. Lamont just sat there. He was kind of like Yolanda but she had no emotion at all. Lamont had a little expression and it showed through his constant fidgeting. He probably thought the people in this room were better then him. I didn't understand that. "Um, Syn, I think I should go," Lamont silently whispered. "Yeah," Big Rob agreed, "We got Monica, Yolanda and Erica. We don't need a fourth pussy anyway." This caused more laughter. I was so pissed. Lamont couldn't even lift up his head to look at Big Rob and notice that Big Rob had just insulted him. Lamont had this suppressed anger that just showed by the way his chest pumped air into his collapsing lungs. Lamont looked so weak. T-Boy noticed my mad face and said, "Ok, Rob. Enough. Leave the kid alone " Big Rob shook his head, "Fuck that. He tried to swing at me the other day. He's a fucking pussy." I couldn't help it; I broke through the laughter saying, "Lamont why don't you say something back?" The fact that I had to encourage Lamont to speak seemed to cause even more laughter. I even noticed that Byron had joined in finding this funny. Big Rob, Byron, Erica, Monica and the other boys that hung out with T-Boy were going on with this loud obnoxious laugh. Lamont stuttered, "I I " "Syn, don't make him say something he isn't ready to say," Sampson told me. What the fuck was he saying? Lamont needed to say something, whether he was ready or not! "Maybe he needs practice talking in front of the mirror," Erica commented, trying to maintain her lady-like structure meanwhile still adding to Lamont's torture. "Stop trying to be funny," I told Erica, "You are a failure at it." "Syn, its not that serious." I raised my finger, "Uh-be quiet. You all think you are so special? I'm tired of this bullshit for real! Get the fuck over yourselves!" They were still laughing. Lamont arms clutched his shoulders and drew them close. He looked cold, but it was hot in the room. I felt like I needed to protect him. I felt like he was a little kid who was falling all the time and all I wanted to do was give him knee pads so his fall was a little softer. Big Rob looked over at Lamont, "Look at him. He's gayer then you and at least you got an excuse saying that you like boys." More laughter. Lamont twitched a little, taking a look at the door. He was probably counting how many steps it would be to run out. He was probably waiting for the best time. He probably figured that he would get less attention when he left if he did it when they had switched topics. He had his palms clutched in his hands. I prayed he wouldn't hit Big Rob. It would just get his ass beat. Lamont needed to speak. A word could carry just as much meaning as a blow. Sampson got up, "Lamont, come on. I'll walk you home." I could tell Sampson felt sorry for him. Sampson was a sincere person like that, but Sampson was offering only a temporary cure for this paralysis of stupidity that surrounded the characteristics of these people "Good idea," Monica added with a slight giggle. "No! Sampson," I directed quickly, "This shit is ending now." "Syn, its not that serious," Erica repeated. Big Rob continued to go at Lamont, "That kid isn't worth being serious." Sampson continued to try to offer Lamont an escape, "Syn, lets just avoid issues and I'll take Lamont home." I interposed quickly, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Everyone got quiet. I wasn't exactly talking to just Sampson, but it included him. All of them needed to shut the fuck up for a moment. They really didn't understand what was going on. They were dressed up in their own little morals, but they didn't understand Lamont really. Lamont had asked me how I could know where he was coming from. I wasn't sure about the answer, even now, but I was willing to talk until I found it. "Syn " Sampson said. "Uh-be quiet," I continued, "All of you be quiet. I got something to say. Lamont is a human, just like the rest of us. What isn't human is the way that you all act. Robbie commented rudely, "Ok Gandhi. Anyway " "Shut up ugly," I replied quickly, incensed in fury, "I'm not the fucking one. Seriously. You all think popularity is something that will carry you forever. High school popularity is just a boat. Happiness are the waves and reality is the shore. The waves will carry that boat for so long but once it hits the shore, you realize that sand isn't so fucking easy to sail a boat on." Big Rob justified himself in a joking manner, "I'm no shitty sea captain " "Rob, let him talk," T-Boy shut him up, with a little seriousness in his voice. "Its cool if you don't like something about him," I suddenly explained, "To be truthful. I don't like any of you guys. I don't like how Monica and Erica seemed all have the same ex-boyfriends. I don't like how Big Rob tries to blame other guys for his lack of attractiveness." Monica and Erica looked at one another. T-Boy gave a slight laugh at the remark about Big Rob. They knew it was true. Monica and Erica acted as though the school wasn't full of different boys to choose from, but they had to date the same ones. Big Rob only beat up good-looking guys. "Oh and you are perfect right?" Big Rob asked, sarcastically "No I'm not perfect," I retorted, "I am brash and crude. I don't mind if you hate me for it. Hate is a beautiful thing if it's justified. I don't mind it at all. What I do mind is you hating Lamont, but for no reason. People hating people 'just because' is wrong." That was it. That was why I protected Lamont. Big Rob laughed, "A 'gay' person wants to tell me what is right and wrong." That was when T-Boy stood up. He got in Big Rob's face immediately, which had actually surprised me. I thought he was going to hit him. Big Rob was playing it off, but I could tell it kind of scared him when T-Boy jumped in front of his face. "That shy kid is one thing. You get smart with Syn, then we got a problem." Big Rob gave T-Boy a look and changed his attitude, "I got no problem with Syn. Its Lamont I got the problem with. If Lamont has a problem with how things are, then he should just leave." I turned to Lamont. He had finally lifted his eyes from the rug to see what was going on. He still wasn't talking, but I knew the fact that he looked so alert proved that he heard my words. I shook my head, "Nope. This is my house. You are the one that should leave." Everybody looked at Big Rob. They were stunned that I basically told him to get out. I guess they all had the feeling that this was just their 2nd home. I guess they were wrong though "You just going to kick me out?" Big Rob asked, astounded. I shook my head, "No, I'm kicking your friends out with you." That included Erica and Monica as well. I watched as Erica and Monica got up and gave me a look as though I had just gone nuts by kicking all of the popular crew out of my house. T-Boy's guy friends gave T-Boy an awkward good-bye and then just walked past me as though they didn't know me. Big Rob seemed the most dramatic of everyone. He was looking around the house with this house and muttering shit like some kind of retard. I felt relieved as the train of phoniness left my house. I wish they'd take Yolanda with them, but it wasn't so bad now that Yolanda was quiet. Sampson and Byron were sitting real close on the couch. T-Boy had gone to the door to let all of them out. I walked over to him, to see this solemn face on him, "T-Boy, I just wanted to say thanks for sticking up for me." "I care about you. I may not always agree with you, but I care," he said and kissed me softly on the cheek, "Hopefully one day you'll see that again." He walked past me and went upstairs to his room. There was this aura around him that made me think it had taken a lot out of him to do what he did by going against his friends and supporting me. I didn't know whether to feel appalled that he might have really wanted to agree with them or to feel complimented that he stood next to me even though he wanted to agree with them. Either way, T-Boy went upstairs, making me wonder what he was thinking. I sighed and turned my attention to Sampson and Byron. They were both kind of giving me a funny look. They were sitting so close to each other. Sampson's eyes connected with mine. I felt something "Sampson, shouldn't we go catch that movie?" Byron asked, "I heard they got midnight matinees." He had interrupted the connection that Sampson and I just had out of the blue. There was still a lot of tension left in the room. It seemed like the mood of the room was completely swallowed in itself. "Maybe Syn and Lamont can come," Sampson politely offered, "I'd like to get to know Lamont a little better. Seems like a good time." Lamont shook his head nervously, "I kind of got a curfew." Curfew? I felt a little embarrassed for him. I had never had a curfew since ever. Even when my parents were alive I really didn't have a curfew. Of course I chose to stay home most nights, but only by my own choice. I looked at Lamont. Even though he looked a little older then me, I wondered if he was younger. He was perhaps a junior in the school. Maybe he was even a sophomore "Yeah, I'm tired," I said, really feeling like I'd put everything in arguing with Big Rob. Byron didn't look disappointed, "Ok. Well, Sampson, I guess it's just the two of us." "Actually," I quickly added looking to Sampson, "I wanted to go ski in the mountains this weekend. Maybe you and Lamont can come." "Ski?" Byron asked, as though I'd invited him. I knew it sounded weird as hell. People in Brunswick didn't really add skiing to the list of local hobbies. Skiing had been really seen as a sport for rich people who had nothing else better to do but put their lives on a sloppy hill going downward. I didn't see a problem with skiing though. This was Brunswick a.k.a 'Buns'wick. We were all going downhill in one way or another so we might as well have fun while we were at it. Sampson unexpectedly smiled, "Sure. Lamont, you cool with that?" "Sure! I mean sure " Lamont replied, switching his voice patterns weirdly. "I want to come!" Byron said, suddenly excited, "T-Boy can stay here with Yolanda. They'll get to know each other." I smiled, noticing Byron's quick suspicions. He didn't say anything, but there was something about how he stared at Sampson and then stared at me while he spoke. He probably was skeptical of me. I rolled my eyes because I knew I was only doing this so that Sampson could rejoin his mother. With that, we had made plans for the weekend. I worried about them truthfully. I had not really had plans for inviting Lamont and Byron, but it just seemed like the timing was right. I worried about the whole reservations that Ms. Nicole had made. Byron and Sampson left, but I asked them to take Yolanda since she was still acting weird. I knew it wouldn't make a difference if Yolanda was in the house all night, but Byron would be mad if she crashed his quality time with Sampson. It wasn't that I cared whether or not Sampson had quality time with Byron. I just hated the fact that Byron wouldn't want me to have quality time with Sampson as well. She just made reservations for Sampson and I. That would mean probably two rooms with one bed in each room. Do I have to spell it out how awkward that would be? My mind was in the gutter, but do you blame me? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ /// ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ /// ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ /// ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Hey," I said to Lamont, as soon as Sampson and Byron had left. He had been sitting there the whole time. He'd probably gone through an emotional roller coaster in the last couple of minutes. I probably couldn't understand the things that he'd gone through. Yet, I realized that I'd been truly thinking about what he had on his mind the entire night. "Hey," Lamont smiled as I sat next to him. "That was crazy," I explained. He looked at me, "I know. I still don't get why you are so nice to me. I thought everyone in Brunswick was evil." "I'm not evil?" I asked. I thought about it. I probably was worse in my own ways then Big Rob or any of the popular kids. He really didn't know what true evil was. Truth was no high school student could really inhabit true evil not even Trash. "No," he smiled, "In my eyes, you are probably completely opposite." "I'm really not," I said, kind of embarrassed by his constant compliments. "You don't know it yet," he said and smiled, "I realized it today. Big Rob is a bad guy. Sampson is a nice guy. You aren't even on the page of them. The thing about you is that you have your own definition." "I'm just like this with you," I assured Lamont, "I don't know I got this protectiveness over you." He laughed, "Why? I'm bigger then you." "I don't know, its feels like I'm protecting a part of myself," I explained, "You are like how I would be if I just let the things inside me bottle up." He sat for a moment. It was weird how we were talking. It seemed a little deeper then my normal conversations that I had with Shane and different from the funny teases that T-Boy had with me. This conversation kind of reminded me of talking to Dr. Lopez, in a weird way. "I know I shouldn't be so bottled up," Lamont said, speaking freely, "I just can't help it. I have so much to say, but I don't know how to say it." It was nice to see him speak so openly with me. It was almost like he was slowly forgetting about being as nervous around me. He seemed to really be getting comfortable with me. "You shouldn't be so worried about how it comes out," I said and turned, "Just tell me what you're feeling." "It's weird." "Just tell me," I said and hit him on his arm, "No one else is here." "I thought about I thought about some things," Lamont explained, "It seems like there is so much in me and instead of saying those things I just want to hurt people like how I am hurting." "What do you mean?" I asked. "I'm scared," Lamont said, suddenly looking nervous again, "I'm so scared of who I am, that I thought of bringing my father's gun to school one time." I paused. The words that Lamont were saying were weird. I looked around the house, hoping that T-Boy hadn't heard them from upstairs. Yolanda, Byron and Sampson had gone to the movies, but I still figured that there was a way they could have heard them. The words worried me, but I was most worried that someone would hear them who didn't understand Lamont how I did. "Um " Lamont got up quickly, "Shit I knew I'm sorry I was way out of line for even telling you that " "Hush," I said, pulling Lamont back down, "It was just a thought. Everyone has crazy thoughts. You aren't weird because of it." "I have a weak mind though." "No," I shook my head, trying to convince him, "You are strong for not really doing it. You really have to think about it. Is anyone in Brunswick High really worth it?" Lamont sighed deeply, "I'm at rock bottom right now. I can't get any lower " "You aren't at rock bottom. Shut the hell up with that!" I said, getting a little mad, "You are perfectly fine. There are people in New Orleans with no houses! There are people in Rwanda worrying about civil war. You think you are bad?" "Syn " "Shut up," I explained and continued, "You are handsome. You get good grades. You got nice eyes. So what a couple people hate you? So what if they try to make your life miserable. Your life can always be worse. Everything can always get a little worse." He was pissing me off. I hated the fact that people took things so personal. Everywhere there were people going through the same predicaments that Lamont went through. Everyday they cried themselves to sleep when no one was looking. Everyday those same people fought the urge to keep their temper controlled even though being provoked constantly. Lamont was not fucking alone! "You're right," he agreed, "Its just hard." "You want to do something for me?" I asked. He looked at me weirdly. He still had those beautiful eyes that pierced. He still had that whole conscience of right and wrong that surrounded him. "Of course," he asked, "I'd probably do a lot if you want me to you're like my only male friend in Brunswick. Some of the girls, they like me, but they hide it from the popular kids. You are the only one that's been real. I'd do a lot for you." "Well anytime you feel so hurt that you want to take someone's life," I explained, "Go to a mirror. Look in the mirror for a long time and then smash your head into the mirror." "Um why?" "It will prove that there is something that hurts more then people messing with you all the time," I explained. I had to admit that I had tried it myself a couple of times. Of course, it was different. I was smashing my head into mirrors when I lived with my parents to prove to them that I was crazy and they'd better stop messing with me. Still, I had calmed down after I smashed my head. I realized what really mattered which was a painless head. Lamont found it funny even though I'd been giving him actual advice. He got up and looked at the time. He seemed a little worried. "I want to keep talking to you," he said, as though signaling it was almost time to go. "Oh, I get it," I said, realizing that it was probably coming to his curfew, "I'll see you in school tomorrow. Don't forget to ask your mother if you could go on the trip." "Yeah, I'll ask her tonight," he said. I had actually been joking about asking his mother, but I guess he really did have to ask her. I smiled at him. He definitely was lost. He definitely was angry. He would have been as innocent as Sampson but he had too much anger. He would have been as angry as me, but he didn't have enough voice. He was stuck somewhere but I was sure that it wasn't the bottom (like he thought it was). I walked him to the door. I didn't want to but since I had already shown him how sensitive I was to his feelings, I'd figured I would go all out. I watched as he stood at the door, probably really still wanting to talk. I would probably want to talk to him too if I weren't so hungry. I was hungry though and I wanted him to fucking leave already. "Ok, see you," I said, trying to close the door. "Wait," he said, sticking his hand in the door so quick I almost smashed his fingers, "I wanted to tell you that you are sweeter then you know. You let out hardcore demeanor, but I know you are real gentle and sentimental underneath it all." Gentle and sentimental? I guess he was trying to make it a compliment, but the last thing I saw myself as was gentle and sentimental. He was probably confused with Sampson. He was probably confused with how Byron 'claimed' he was. I definitely didn't claim to be, didn't want to be and wasn't a gentle person. "Goodnight." "Yeah, goodnight." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ //// ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ //// ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ //// ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ /// ~~~~ It was already Wednesday and I found myself in the counselor's office. He had been calling me down for a while, but I'd been avoiding him. It wasn't that I didn't want to talk about my future. It was more like I didn't want to talk about my future with him. I spent more of my time playing with these jacks that he had on his desk then really trying to pay him much attention. The guidance counselor had this monotone voice and seemed to have a problem with me not 'smiling'. I didn't get what his job had to do with me smiling. Every time I came, he would complain that I never smiled. I didn't know what exactly he wanted me to smile about. He probably thought he was so charming that I was supposed to look at him and smile. "Have you given much thought to colleges?" "Not really," I told him, "Nope. I've been thinking that I want to do something bigger then college." "Well Syn, college is a very big step." I rolled my eyes. I knew what the fuck kind of step that college was. I wasn't retarded. I understood exactly what going to college meant. The guidance counselor also thought I wasn't that smart. "No, I want to do something real BIG," I classified, gesturing with my hands how big I meant, "Sometimes I feel like I either want to start World War III or end world hunger." "What?" He looked surprised that I'd said it. I had been thinking about my future. I didn't want to be like everyone else. I had lived with this system for too long. I was tired of the technique. The dreaded technique! You go to high school; you graduate and go to college. After college you find a job, get a wife, have a kid and live in a pretty white house. I hated that technique so fucking much. I felt like I was on earth to do a lot more then live in a pretty white house with my wife and kids. I was gay I mean I had already broken the fucking technique. "I want to be huge," I described, "I don't care about if I'm good or evil. Truthfully does it really matter? It might hurt to hear it, but Mother Theresa and Hitler both left an impact on the world. It was a completely different impact, but it was an impact all together." "Hitler!" the guidance counselor started to bug, "You want to be Hitler?" "Did I say that?" I retorted, catching an attitude in the meanwhile, "I just said I want to be big. Hitler and Mother Theresa both had ethics. They believed in their morals no matter what. I want to be that kind of person." "Syn, Hitler also killed millions while he was at it." "Sir, you must not be hearing me," I continued to classify, "I am not Hitler. I am not Mother Theresa. I don't want to be. Even if I did, I couldn't be. I'll tell you one thing though; they would have never been able to be me either. You probably should try being gay it'd probably open your eyes like it did me." "You are the most outrageous cocky son ova " "Uh be quiet!" I intruded, knowing I'd probably get detention, "I am Syn hate it or love it."